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SophiaG

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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. your relationship didn't just "run its course," but you developed feelings for this "cute guy at work," allowed yourself to drift away from your relationship and basically emotionally cheated on your ex with the new guy (and he did the same on his ex - or are they still together?). People like this guy, who gets involved with someone in a relationship while they themselves are also in a relationship, are often looking for some side fun, not any real attachment. Why are you surprised that he wasn't so thrilled when you dumped your ex and now he owes you a relationship? Also know that should you stay with him he would be capable of cheating on you, just as he did with his LDR ex/gf. You really didn't lose anything here. As for your ex, I hope you don't try to go back to him now that you've lost "two guys at once." He doesn't deserve that.
  2. Sadly your 2 month online chatting does not carry the same significance to him as it is to you, and understandably so. It would be wise to not get too emotionally invested in someone so far away and who you know so little of.
  3. Sorry Jkno1. Ending a very long relationship is not easy. The sadness, anger, stress, etc could bring out the worst part of some people. It is not uncommon for exes to act hot/cold, aggressive, or confused like your ex does. You probably both need a lot more time to process the breakup and to heal from it. Yes, it would be best for you to ignore his mood swings and focus on moving forward. Why does he act this way? He could be trying to make you jealous, to keep you around as a backup option, or just to get a reaction out of you so that he knows you are not over him. In any of these possibilities, he is doing what he's doing to make HIMSELF feel better, not you. He doesn't have your best interest in mind, or he would either be consistently kind or leave you alone so you can move on. Look out for yourself and don't let him play with your feelings.
  4. You are right it cannot keep going the way it is. The chance of a real relationship, let alone a happy one, with this guy is next to zero. So your best course of action would be (1) end things with him before his wife or your husband finds out and things get even messier; (2) think long and hard whether you want to try to save your marriage. If the answer is yes, be fully committed to it and work together with your husband to fix things. However, know that your husband may simply decide he doesn't want to live with a cheater. Be prepared to accept that and do what's best for your children.
  5. I am so sorry but you have to get out of this as soon as possible. Ideally right now. Instead of blaming his mom for "poisoning his heart and mind" and hoping one day he will wake up and realize she's wrong, accept that this is a grown man who has his own values and make his own decisions. His values are skewed and his actions are abusive and narcissistic. I know currently you can't help but see tremendous significance in everything he says or does, but once you are able to get out of all this you will realize your quality and value as a person do not depend on him. What he thinks of you does not matter as he is a toxic scumbag. There is absolutely no love in this relationship as he doesn't respect you. Actually, I doubt he will ever respect any women, virgins or not. He is a very sad human being but that's not your problem. Don't waste any more of your life on him.
  6. I once had to break up with someone that I still loved due to deep disappointment in their behavior. I did have second thoughts as I mourned the relationship, but mostly I knew that I needed the breakup, that I should move on and not look back. I did give in a few times to the emotions after the breakup and talked to my ex, but I did not regret the decision or want to get back together knowing he has not changed. People react to breakups in various ways, but most do suffer from it. Your ex could also be devastated and is probably not over you yet in just a week. It is somewhat comforting, knowing that you are not the only one in pain, but that doesn't really change anything in the grand scheme of things. As time passes one person usually recovers before the other does - it could be her, or it could be you. If you keep tracking her actions and reactions you might be badly hurt again when you find out she has moved on before you do. Focus on yourself. Map out your goals and take one day at a time. She was not happy in a relationship with you as you are. She wished you could be someone that you were not ("the new you" is as much you, if not more, as "the old you" as this is who she had to live with before your breakup.) but it was neither possible nor fair for her to force you to change so she left. If you also see yourself in a few years more like "the old you", take this chance to explore what caused you to lose that vibe and how to better cope with adversity like unemployment in future. Work on yourself for you and your next relationship. Do not approach her in another few weeks and try to convince her you have changed. These changes do not happen overnight and most certainly do not magically happen for your desire to keep an incompatible partner. If - and this is a really far-stretched if - you do grow more into that person and you two become more compatible in future, maybe you will find your way back to each other and have a more fulfilling relationship. But that's a slim possibility and I wouldn't dwell on it. I understand your need for company but please be careful about going back to live with your parents. They are likely older and have higher risk from Covid 19 complications. Do not expose them to more social contact than what's absolutely necessary just because you are lonely.
  7. Unfortunately you can't change the past but you can take steps to prevent further damage. Leave her alone and avoid getting involved with married men in future.
  8. Sorry for what you are going through OP. Different religions are a very real incompatibility and one of the common deal breakers in relationships. He's being honest about not wanting to remain friends and to see you with another person. You cannot have a genuine friendship as long as one party still holds romantic feelings. It is difficult but you made the right choice and will be better off in the long run.
  9. Sorry OP. Neither of these sound like they had any significance; however I know it doesn't feel that way when you are still deep in the emotions following a breakup. Are you saying you were going to marry her 2 years ago or you two broke up two years ago? Two random encounters in 2 years barely warrant this kind of analysis if you have been properly healing and moving on yourself. I would focus on that, since your ex clearly has.
  10. 12 years is a long period of time. It takes time to process the breakup and to move on. Many people will not be completely over an ex that they shared such a significant chunk of their lives with in six months. Does your current gf know you are so fresh out of a long term relationship? It is not fair to her that you are still thinking about your ex and using her company as a lovely distraction.
  11. It is a tough situation as I can see the remote possibility that this friend or some other witness (if any) may remember the incident and later let it out. Other than that, I don't think it's cheating and worth discussing with your fiance. I would feel violated being kissed by someone I don't even like. Distance yourself from this friend if possible and don't get so drunk if you want to avoid similar incidents.
  12. Here you go, problem solved. You and people close to you will accept you either way, so why would it matter? Being straight, bi, or bi curious (?) doesn't define you as a person. You are who you are and applying a new label to yourself won't make you a whole new person.
  13. Welcome Cindy! There is really no "should" or "shouldn't," "right" or "wrong" in this. You feel what you feel and need what you need. Don't let anybody tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or should feel that way, or that you are being jealous, needy, or selfish to express your feelings and needs. People all have different needs and preferences. I personally prefer daily contact/calling but I know and respect people who are more comfortable with a lower frequency. It doesn't make their needs more legitimate than mine, or me needier than them. Discuss your needs and preferences with your bf and see if you can meet each other halfway. Knowing and communicating what you want show strength and confidence, and who doesn't like a confident girl? Now that you've had this little episode where your boyfriend seems to have prioritized video chatting with his friends over his exam, sleeping schedule or chatting with you. You are understandably hurt and maybe a little angry. These are very valid feelings and I can say his behavior would not sit well with most girls I know. But if you don't think he was intentionally neglecting you or in general dismissive of your needs (how was your relationship before all this?), you may want to approach it with a calmer head and start with explaining your feelings and how you prefer things to be, instead of focusing on what he did. Listen to what he says and if he deflects the issue, gets angry or tells you you are needy, then you know he's not the right person for you.
  14. How old are you? You have decided your parents/religion/background made the relationship impossible so you ended it. What has changed in that regard? Do not get back with him only for the same issues to re-emerge and break up with him again. Jerking people around is not cool.
  15. You are describing some contradictory thoughts here and in your last post, OP. Again, all these thoughts while we are in isolation are just that, obsession and keeping yourself trapped in your own head. Many people get curious, perhaps confused, and they figure it out in the real world. Really no need to label yourself one way or the other before you have experienced it. Keep exploring your thoughts and why they are so overwhelming to you with your therapist.
  16. You have every right to want a partner that's monogamous, doesn't have casual sex, etc. But requiring them to devote the rest of their lives to you and only you is unfair and unrealistic. Even if someone makes that promise when they are in love, how do you even know for sure? I mean, how can THEY even know for sure? I know people who were so gripped with grief when losing their spouses and didn't think they'd ever love again, but over time they were able to heal and became open to the idea of another relationship. As another poster mentioned, people who have had loving marriages/relationships tend to want to date again eventually, because that's the lifestyle they like. Granted, it would be hurtful when someone starts dating immediately once their spouse exhaled the last breath, but most loving, loyal (by common definition, which can be a bit different from yours) partners will not act that way. So, if you really need to know that your partner will not want to date again after you pass, your best bet would be a cold, aloof person who doesn't enjoy or value another human being's company very much. That way they wouldn't feel much loss after losing a partner and may choose to live the rest of their lives enjoying being single. Note that your expectation should go both ways. How would you feel if your partner passes first and you have to live lonely for the rest 30-40 years? Would you be able to guarantee that you would never have feelings for someone again, or when you do you will suppress that feeling and never act on it? Would you judge yourself for being not loyal, should you want to be loved again? Also, love suicide is by no means "extremely popular" in Japan or anywhere. It exists, perhaps in many cultures and societies, but always rare unless one party (usually women) is forced to sacrifice themselves when their partners die. That is oppression, not loyalty.
  17. From the rest of your post, it seems that you were actually incompatible in some very important ways. But since he already "fixed" the ex issue, what exactly do you expect him to do to fix things? Fix his high blood pressure? Be more sexually active? Unfortunately these are hard to manage and even if he can change, it will probably take longer than two weeks. You have made your decision that you couldn't stay in the relationship as it was. Missing an ex is perfectly normal, especially during this difficult time. Don't backpedal.
  18. When you develop romantic feelings toward a friend it isn't the same friendship anymore. I lost some of my best friends growing up that way. Just accept it and move on.
  19. I understand the comfort in seeing all of it just from his side, she's crazy, her emotional attachment is one-sided, he doesn't love her, he just couldn't care less, etc. etc. But think about this: your bf had two children with his ex. If he's such a great guy and she's so terrible why did he even waste so much time on her? They must also have had happy, loving moments like you two are having now. Even if that love is no more, even if she annoys him now, he could have been the bigger person and respect her as the mother of his children. Instead he puts all blame on her and drags you into the endless arguments between them. A man who talks about his exes immediately turns me off. One day he could talk about you in the same manner. You want to know for sure that he has only negative feelings toward her, that you are truly winning the game. But is the prize - his affection - really that great? No matter if he hates or loves her, with all the emotional energy he pours into their interaction there will be less remaining for you and your connection. You will never have him all for yourself; his ex will always be part of the picture. When their arguments "revolve around you" it was not really about you; it could be about any other woman that he introduces into his life. Clearly she is not ready to share him with another woman, and he is not ready to lay down clear boundaries and cut their communication to strictly about co-parenting. A man who cannot handle his own business and let his anger/hatred spill all over your relationship doesn't sound like a great guy to me. It sounds like he never got too involved with raising his children, and he bailed out when he was supposed to move in and take more responsibility of being a father. There are hundreds of legitimate reasons his ex should be mad at him, but we are not talking to his ex here - the question is why YOU want to be in the mix?
  20. As frustrating as the situation is, I think if or what feelings he still has for his ex should be the least of your concerns. Be careful with men who get very angry, call names and refuse to apologize or ever own up to their wrong doings. He will treat you with the same tactics sooner or later, if not worse. As for his ex? It sounds like they spent years together and had only broken up for a short while before you entered the picture. It wouldn't be surprising if they still had feelings for each other, or this could be another episode in their love/hate, on/off relationship. Worse still, they seem rather toxic to each other. Now you've seen that dynamic and decided you didn't like it, but due to the children they will always continue to interact with each other. Is this an ideal setting for a long-term relationship? I think you'll be better off leave them be and find someone more emotionally stable and not so involved with an ex.
  21. Most definitely not. I have to admit I'm not a great fan of the taste of semen, and I don't really mind my own taste, but never had I thought "am I lesbian?" because of that lol. Like you said everyone's taste is different, shower before sex helps, and most of times in the heat of the moment people just don't care (unless the smell/taste is offensive or due to bad hygiene/infections). And again there are girls who don't even like being eaten out. Good to hear you are exploring these thoughts with a therapist - they should be able to help you with this sudden realization and the related anxiety, too. Once this pandemic is over, get out there, meet some new people, and learn your sexuality and preference together when you build a new relationship.
  22. Oh, sorry I missed that part in your original post. Do you think the "am I gay?" question contributed to your relationships never going beyond making out? Or are there some other factors in that pattern? Are you afraid when things progress there will be the expectation for you to go down there again?
  23. It seems rather pointless to be trapped in your own mind over all this when you are all by yourself. There is not a love interest in the picture, man or woman, so how do you know you wouldn't enjoy oral sex next time you are with a girl you like? Pretty much everyone experienced some awkward moments when exploring sexuality, what they and their partners like and don't like, etc. You live and learn. And even if after experimenting, learning and communicating you still don't like giving oral? That's fine too. As long as you don't expect unreciprocal oral sex, there are plenty of girls who ain't crazy about orals either and will probably happily omit that part. From what you described, I don't think you are attracted to men. More likely you are just confused by those early awkward moments when you were young, inexperienced and experimenting sex. May I ask if you have met or dated any other women since then? Did your underlying doubts hold you back from investing in or getting sexually involved with another woman?
  24. Only you can tell if you are okay with his vaping. There is no wrong answer here. Some would consider vaping/smoking to be virtually the same thing while some would accept vaping but not smoking. I personally met someone in the same boat - who is using vaping to quit smoking and has to vape every hour or so. Smoking is also a deal breaker to me. Vaping seems marginally better as you don't get the second- or third-hand cigarette smell, but after meeting this guy I decided that vaping also belongs on my deal breaker list. I think it's the addiction part that I'm not comfortable with.
  25. I like board games and I found a lot of apps/websites to have virtual game nights, play chess, DnD, etc. online with my friends. There are also many cooperative video games to play with your partner. I can think of (and tried) many things to do with someone you've been dating when you cannot see each other, just like in a temporarily online relationship. That said, I agree this is not a great time to meet someone new, unless for friendship. If you use meetup you might see many virtual events - again, playing games online, watching movies/concerts, trivia, workout sessions, eating takeout together from a nice local restaurant, you name it. A great way to get some social interaction outside of your old circle and who knows, you might meet someone cooler than in the current online dating pool!
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