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SophiaG

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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. It is just hypothetical. But ENA is public and who knows if the gf is also on it. Especially since she checks his laptop, etc. she might discover it one day. But it doesn't matter if she ever sees the thread or not. My point is that OP doesn't respect his gf. He continues to see her as somehow troubled, needs to change, etc. while not willing to let go. I don't think anyone can diagnose her with any concrete mental disorder here only hearing OP's one-sided story. The original post was mostly fact (her snooping and lying about it) but a lot of the stuff in OP's recent posts are subjective ("she's a very stubborn individual," "inability to accept change," etc.). Her perspective could all be very different. This might apply to a lot of posts here but my personal rule of thumb is if someone posts something about their partner that they wouldn't be comfortable telling them, it doesn't bode well for the relationship.
  2. I didn't say he shouldn't take offence. I'm just saying his gf will very likely also take offence in all what people are saying here about her, derived from her bf's description, if she sees this thread. If one has to describe one's partner like this on a public forum the relationship is very much over. Yet OP is still contemplating taking another two years to figure out what he wants, or just going ahead to get married. Like I said I never understood people who call their partners needy but stay with them. Substitute "needy" with "jealous," "insecure," "immature" etc. is what I see here and cannot understand.
  3. I can't help but wonder why you are so intent on diagnosing, or having us help you diagnose what the problem is with her. Like how you take offense in DF's comment, I wonder what your gf would feel should she come across this thread and recognize it, seeing how by your description she is being diagnosed with all kinds of mental problems by people who've never heard her side of things. Do you think that's fair? Or rather, does all this cyber diagnosis help you make up your mind and decide on what to do? I notice that you skipped over the parts of my suggestions about respecting your gf as an equal and understanding her needs before dismissing them as "jealousy" or "insecurity". Yes, she might be immature and insecure. She might have unhealthy coping strategies due to past abuse or baggage. She might very well benefit from therapy and self help. But in your trying to diagnose and treat her you are continuing the parent-child dynamic and, again, not respecting her ability as a grown adult to grow and learn. You mentioned several times that you "talked her off the ledge" when she was about to make impulsive or self-destructive decisions. Know what? Her world probably wouldn't collapse either were you not there to overrule her decisions. She is a very young, (according to you) intelligent woman. She is allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. What if she quit her job? If she could land a fantastic job in the first place she could find another one. If it took a long time in between, she would think twice before quitting her job again. The same thing with losing a friend, or a boyfriend. You live and learn. Your gf didn't get a lot of chance to learn and face her own issues, in that regard. That's why I said your relationship hindered her growth. And now you are complaining that she never learns. It takes two to dance. Honestly I don't know how much of your gf's "insecurity" "maladaption" is due to childhood abuse and how much is developed in her relationship with you. I also feel all the analysis on your gf's mental stability is kind of missing the point. The more mentally unstable you decide your gf is, the more you should reflect on yourself as it somehow worked for you, for five years. Whether she wants children or not (it sounds like she does want marriage), I think it is indeed selfish if you drag this any longer without making any real effort in changing the imbalanced dynamic. As you acknowledged yourself she is suffering. You also acknowledge that you didn't take her seriously but it seems you continue to do so in this thread. As long as you see her as a troubled, somewhat "broken" individual that dynamic will never change as you do not respect her.
  4. Ouch. That does sound weird! I felt the picture comment can be really innocuous though, if it sounds like more of a compliment than criticism. Maybe it's just me as I've always hoped my bf can take professional grade pictures for me
  5. Glad you enjoyed the date! I would see this as a simple compliment and an offer of service, maybe a fun activity for a future date.
  6. It is nice that you realize this, so tell yourself, next time that you want to "endure" the bad so that you can continue to enjoy the "good" part of her, that you are also hurting her by doing so. It is actually a selfish thing to do. I can imagine both your and her frustration around this. I think it suffice to say it doesn't have to be cheating or lying that can trigger her jealousy/insecurity/whatever you call it. Sometimes it's simply disrespect. I'm not saying you disrespected her as I don't know your dynamic and what exactly made her think that way, but it can be very subjective/depending on who's judging. For example I have no qualms about discussing exes but I wouldn't be thrilled about my bf traveling alone with a female friend. It is not even about what will or might happen on the trip, or if they have anything going between them - and no amount of reassurance such as "how much he loves me," "their relations in detail," "answering honestly," will make me comfortable about it. However, instead of tearing him up about it and monitoring them throughout the trip, I would acknowledge that we are incompatible and leave it at that. I'm quite a few years older than your gf though, and I could see myself being less decisive about it when I was younger. The point here is she is just reacting to something that hurt her, perhaps in the wrong ways, but not because she's dense or something and can't understand the obvious, you know? Unfortunately it seems your relationship in the past 5 years didn't help her grow; it could have actually hindered it due to her dependence on you and this parent-child dynamic.
  7. I feel for you, and I know it is a hard choice either way. Sad as it is things would have been easier if you had stood up to your own terms much early on in the relationship. You might have broken up, but it would have been long ago, likely from a much shorter and less invested relationship, and both of you could move on and find your own happiness much sooner. You didn't want to let go, but know that making the relationship work will take a lot more than just sticking around. The only way I can see it possible is for both of you to really understand each other's boundaries and have a candid discussion as in what you can and cannot accept. That way you might be able to find a middle ground where both of you feel comfortable and secure. But any compromises should be made on the basis of you or her genuinely understanding and accepting the other's needs, not just to make peace. As you've learned the hard way accepting certain "ground rules" but not the underlying boundaries for them will only build resentment and mutual dissatisfaction. The first step is probably for you to start seeing her as an equal, not a younger partner who needs your guidance to her emotional maturity. This is good - I never understood people who call their partners "needy" yet remain with them. People are obviously comfortable with different levels of affection and those who prefer less are not somehow superior than those who prefer more; they are just incompatible. Try to apply the same logic here. Stop calling her jealous and make a real effort in seeing her side of things. Understand that she is acting in a "jealous" way because some of her needs in the relationship are not met. She probably wouldn't be "jealous" at all if her bf shares her values in terms of boundaries around female friends. Of course you don't have to agree to or accept her boundaries, but they are as valid as your own. At the end of the day you might as well both decide the gap between your and her preferences is too wide to bridge. But you have to respect her and her needs before communication can possibly help.
  8. It doesn't seem to me getting back into a relationship is on the table here. When you actually dating him it wasn't that great either. Did I read this correctly? This ex wanted to cheat on you and yet you want him as a bf again?
  9. Sorry, he is taken and a cheater. No need to figure out what a liar is thinking and why they did what they did. Take care so you don't get hurt by people like this again.
  10. I'm confused. What I read from the post is that the guy acknowledged that he was emotionally unavailable and suggested they just be friends. If there was a lot of contact leading to the meeting (which always ends at his place) and followed by days or weeks of silence, it does seem that he was just looking for friends with benefits.
  11. I stopped reading here - your "tolerating" her boundaries for the sake of staying together was just as bad as her staying in a relationship with no trust and tormenting both of you as a result. You two have different boundaries. Instead of acknowledging that you might be incompatible you accepted her "ground rules" begrudgingly and secretly wished she would change. Sadly it didn't work that way. People with tighter relationship boundaries generally apply them in all aspects of a relationship. It is not about "dictating" who you can see or what you can do, but about laying your cards on the table so you can find someone you are comfortable and compatible with. It is very likely that your interactions with your close female friends, however platonic it can be, crossed a line for your gf (not to say she's right and you're wrong, but obviously her boundaries are tighter than yours) and triggered her "intense jealousy." She is probably insecure and immature, but I don't think she would be so angry, emotional and snooping on you if she is with someone who actually shares her boundaries and whose behavior doesn't set her off. When you call her "jealous" and describe all your problems as her being unreasonable while you did nothing wrong, you might as well break up with her because you don't respect her or her boundaries. I dare say this relationship is not very happy for her either.
  12. Interesting. I just checked this and while Japan does have a relatively high suicide rate, it is not the highest in the world. South Korea has it higher. The highest are Lithuania and Russia. Still, even in a country with strong suicidal culture a very small minority of the population actually choose that route. From what I know of Japan today many of the young people simply can't be bothered with love or marriage. I doubt the idea of love suicide would be very appealing to them. You seem to be fascinated by Japan, or at least this specific part of the Japanese culture. Have you lived in the country or dated Japanese women? Maybe you will have a better chance meeting someone with similar ideals from Japan?
  13. With respect, Skeptic, I laughed at this because it is funny to see the "game plan" from a male perspective. I'm sure this can work on some women, but I also know many (me included) that will not react as planned here at all. Given that every person and relationship is different, I doubt there is any "right" approach to it that applies to everyone. OP, you know your ex better than anybody here. How can you expect any stranger here to help you craft the best game plan to get someone back when they don't even know her? I agree with this though. Eventually it depends on whether she wants you back or not. Any game plan that "tricks" her into thinking she wants you back (if that's even possible) would be manipulative, and the result won't be authentic. You can certainly ask her to reconcile again, but be prepared that she may still say no. If you can handle the rejection, I don't see the point in hiding your feelings and playing lengthy games around it. Meanwhile, there is always no harm in working on personal growth and development. If you broke up because you were not the best boyfriend when you were together, think about what you can (and want to) improve and work on that. In time if you grow into a better person she might change her mind. Or better, you might get over her and find a more compatible partner.
  14. Sounds like you are becoming insecure about yourself and feeling less attractive. Do you find pregnant women unattractive? It could be helpful to find a good therapist and start counseling (which should also help with adjusting to being a new mom). Explore your self image and possible trauma from past abuse in counseling.
  15. I am not comfortable talking to people I haven't met either. I did it once or twice in the past and it never made me feel more connected. It is unfortunate that you gave in to this dynamic, and now he things it's the norm to talk every day. He could well be a great guy, but you need to be more firm about your preference to not talk over the phone so much until you meet in person. Otherwise you are building up resentment before you even get to know him.
  16. I had something similar. Rationally we both know it was natural and understandable but it was not a pleasant thought. What I did was, I gave myself a bit of time (a couple weeks if I remember correctly) during which I put this aside and focused on my current feelings about the relationship. After a short while it felt like a non-issue. If it came back to bother me later it would be more likely a reflection of some other problems in the relationship, and I would look at those problems instead. How is the new relationship in general? Do you feel loved and respected? Do you feel secure, or somewhat threatened by the women he might have dated or slept with in the past year? Are you still carrying the old issues that led to your previous breakup? Did you date or try to date yourself during the time apart? Ultimately only you can decide if it is okay with you or not. If it continues to bother you, the relationship will become too upsetting to stay in.
  17. From what you describe it didn't sound like a stable relationship with the intention or potential for long-term. You were probably both young, intoxicated by love and unrealistic promises like "never let go," "I could die for you," etc. while in reality you knew full well it was temporary, you were going to leave the country and he actually let go quite easily for some trivial stuff and acted cold and mean toward you. Sometimes we mistake dramatic actions for passion, but after 7 years you would not be in the same confused head space if you had properly moved on. As for the last kiss, it doesn't have to mean anything. Many people hug, kiss, or have sex one last time before they part ways forever. That last bit of intimacy doesn't keep a permanent seal on either party's heart, if it even carries much affection at all. It might be helpful to discuss these thoughts with a therapist. They can surely undermine your relationship with your husband.
  18. He has given you plenty of hints that he's no longer interested. You're not ghosting him, you are simply taking his hint and leaving him alone. Sorry it didn't work out, but most online relationships fizzle out eventually. This is an unfortunate time for new relationships, and you two haven't had much time to build a deeper connection before it turned into a virtual dating situation. Sure he could have been more upfront about losing interest instead of slow fading on you, but it won't change anything will it? Now you've seen some undesirable traits in him (unreliable, etc), you didn't miss any great chance here. He is just not a good match for you.
  19. My experience is there is no point in trying to understand a messed up person. They can want this and that for all their warped reasons but it doesn't mean you have to comply.
  20. I'm saying this with the presumption that he is aware about your feelings for him. And I tend to agree with DancingFool that he knows, especially since you said you've known each other for so long and he knows so much about you. Maybe not to the full extent, but he likely chose you as the "sex friend" because he knew you wouldn't be able to reject him. And if he knows you want more than sex with him, he obviously knows that his terms are cruel and would cause you pain. This is not the same situation as this guy and OP are in. Having casual sex with people who want/need the same is different from approaching someone who holds deep feelings for you and offering them breadcrumbs with the confidence that they can't resist.
  21. I wonder this too. I see two separate (or perhaps related) things - the way he chooses to grieve, and whether he's been still thinking of her while in a relationship with you. If it's only the former, there is no need to take it personal. You do not know his ex, so it's more like a friend from his past but not a mutual friend. He might feel it's inappropriate to drown you with these emotions. The latter however would be a deal breaker.
  22. I may not be the best person to comment on on-again/off-again relationships as I'm still seeing the person that brought me here, after we had a few broke ups. A few years earlier my view would have been totally different, but now that I've lived through it all, I can relate to the desire to go back and try to make things right. I would say however it is hard to move on from the past hurt and to rebuild trust, probably way harder than getting to know and trust a new person, and this is with no cheating on either side. We are both very forthcoming and to my knowledge never lied to each other in any non-trivial way. We both dated others in a longer "off" phase, and it was difficult for both of us. We were able to move past that only with 100% transparency and dedication. If there are any signs of deception it would be called off immediately and forever. I had been with someone who's less trustworthy before and it felt like sh*t. I don't think he actually cheated, but he was more of a ladies' man and actually lied to me at least once "in case I got jealous." Since I found out I felt a strong need to know what he was doing when he was out, who he was talking to, and about what. I started questioning him more and threw a fit when he stayed late outside or talked to certain girls over the phone. Did I feel controlling doing all of this? Yes, and I didn't like it one bit. I realized before long that it was not working for me and ended it. I know you don't want to think about leaving your bf, but your specific request cannot be interpreted out of context. Telling people who they can and cannot follow on social media is controlling. But your request doesn't make you a controlling or jealous person, as he puts you in a position where you have to go to these last resort tactics to defend your relationship. However, these tactics will not make him more trustworthy; they will only undermine your sanity, make you look like the stereotypical crazy girlfriend and make you lose respect for yourself. Unless you like this dynamic (it doesn't sound like you do) you will only be less and less happy in the relationship as this is not a one-time thing to move on from, it is an endless ongoing struggle. You two have completely different values and boundaries. Sorry but I don't see any other way out of this.
  23. OP, I'm sorry to say this but it is very likely he's approaching YOU for sex because he is aware of your feelings, not because he sees you as the special, amazing person you are. It is convenient for him as rarely any other woman would be interested in his terms. He is taking advantage of your feelings while probably knowing all the pain it is causing you. Think about that.
  24. It sounds like you really don't like him enough to be in a relationship. He could do whatever he wants to try to "win you over" but ultimately you decided to be his girlfriend. Don't blame it on him as if he forced you. Reflect on your standards. Don't settle for people you feel little attraction to just because they are nice to you and then get annoyed with them being themselves.
  25. I am sorry Saira but please have faith in yourself. Everyone deserves love, but not everyone you meet is going to love you the way you deserve. Like the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the prince. Hang in there. Love yourself and maintain high standards so any random stranger can not affect you like this.
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