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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. So I seem to be interpreting your situation as you drunk kissed some girl and told your gf (now your ex) and she broke up with you. Totally understandable. But if you did this after you broke up and told her... completely different story...
  2. For all you know P could be making up stories and playing you both. Don't rely on a third party, let alone someone you think is "toxic" to relay important messages. If you can't even talk directly to B now, how will a relationship with him ever work?
  3. Good for you to respect her and tell her the truth. You said you "kissed her back" and you've been out getting drunk with other girls, so in some sense you allowed something like this to happen. Unfortunately some mistakes cannot be undone. Use this opportunity to learn and avoid similar mistakes in your future relationship.
  4. Do you like to bring up your ex every now and then in all kinds of conversations? There are people who are cool with talking about exes or staying close friends. There are also people who would frown at any mention of an ex. No right or wrong here, just different preferences. The key is to find someone who's compatible with you on these matters so you don't constantly get on each other's nerves. If she hates mentioning exes and not being able to talk about your ex doesn't bother you at all, why not just drop it? A bike in your garage is a bike in your garage. She doesn't have to know if it used to belong to your ex or your grandma. Also avoid making comparisons even if you mean it as a compliment. Nobody likes being compared to an ex. Can't you compliment her in some other way? Can you imagine someone saying to their partner after a particularly satisfying sex session, "That was great babe. My ex could never do that for me."?
  5. It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who
  6. I'm guessing my comments in your former post were classified as "not so positive ones," but I don't think any of us were trying to say you are a bad person or this is all your fault. When you have difficulty seeing another person's perspective, look for advice from third parties, and then decide on whether those suggestions are positive depending on how well they align with your point of view, you risk reinforcing your own opinion and still not being able to see where she's coming from. Honestly it sounds more like that's the theme YOU picked for her. I don't know her but from your description she sounds like an adult who's capable of feeling things and making decisions on her own. Maybe with some emotional baggage, poor conflict resolution skills, etc., but most of us have some of those. Nothing I see warrants this kind of special diagnosis and treatment. It would be more beneficial if you spend this time and energy exploring your own inner self and your needs to always assert your "truth" over others. All of this is still you trying to feed yourself the same story, she is a trauma victim and therefore irrational, she is delusional, she doesn't know what's good for her, what she felt and thought were simply not true, she is WRONG and only if you can somehow make her see the light of truth... Keep in mind that her side of things could be very different. Whereas you felt things were going great maybe she was holding her disappointment in to not rock the boat. When you thought you treated her with respect and kindness she could have felt not respected or valued all along. Maybe she didn't say anything about that to keep the peace until finally she couldn't take it anymore. I hope you are not paying for this "expert team." The best outcome of following their advice and playing their game of "getting your ex back" is a temporary episode of reconciliation built on emotional manipulation. I'm saying this as someone who did get back with an ex more than once... oops Maybe this will work on some people, but if I'm already frustrated by someone who simply can't listen or understand? And the said person looks into my eyes and says "It's alright, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." LOL, I'd be so pissed. What do you think I am, a scared child throwing a fit to get some attention?
  7. While the other things could be the lockdown overthinking this does sound like a red flag. How exactly did you discuss this with him (was it a fight where you accused him of having feelings for his ex or more of a calm conversation)? It sounds like you live together - did he consult with you before changing the curtains? Have you ever met his ex or been present when she visits?
  8. It sounds like you just don't get along. It is still very new (just a few months) and once the initial excitement wears off your personalities start to clash. You could both be amazing people but not a good match for each other. I would not chalk everything up to "her insecurities."
  9. Oh I meant supporting her when she was working on nursing school, learning the language, adapting to the new country, etc. Those were hard times and if she didn't feel your support (or you didn't support her in the way she needs) that could have damaged your relationship. And you seem to be talking about "supporting" her current decision to not get married. That's different - there really isn't an option for you to "not support" her decision here, as you can't marry someone against their will. You can only accept and try to understand her point of view. After 2 years apart and with so much disconnect it does seem reckless to rush into marriage now.
  10. Good for you to come clean to her. Be very sincere and willing to admit that you lied due to fear of losing her, and you would not do that again. Otherwise no need to talk about the heavy stuff until she's ready. Enjoy your fun time together. This quarantine is making local relationships feel like LDRs and I've been doing a lot of that too (video calling, virtual dates, online games, etc). Not easy, but still nice and plenty of fun!
  11. Your concerns are not shallow at all. I'm not a big social media person and never posted anything about my S/O or my relationship status. But I can't see a legit reason to refuse to connect with the person I'm dating if they want to, or to hide my profile from them. Him being angry when you brought it up is a huge red flag. He sounds shady and manipulative.
  12. Like you said it is impossible to know what exactly she is thinking. Distance kills romance most of the time. I'm guessing it can be either of two things, or both: 1. The two of you simply grew apart with your different life experiences, and now she no longer sees a future with you (as I explained in the previous post); 2. She was not happy with how the relationship went down in the past two years (you mentioned lack of contact, distant and cold, etc.) and lost connection with you. If it's merely the latter, maybe things can improve when the distance is removed. Otherwise there may not be much left to fight for. She may or may not have met someone. You never know. If you want to try to save this, I think the only option now is to be respectful and give her the time and space to come to her own conclusion. Let her know you are there for her and ready to put in the effort to be with her, but don't push her for any answers or promises or blame her for "wanting to quit." When July comes, listen to what she wants before trying to force a solution or plan on her. It will be hard but try to approach it with an open mind and prepare yourself for either outcome. Meanwhile, stop lying or playing any games. Don't withhold information or affection in hopes of getting a better assessment of her commitment or getting a certain response. Nothing wrong to compliment and support your partner. The right person will not think less of you just because you admire them. What do you mean by this? How does supporting her conflict with your mental health?
  13. Personally, if someone has so clearly lost interest in "us" I would let them go. Sad, I know, but don't you think you deserve a partner who's equally enthusiastic about seeing you and marrying you? "Feelings" can be volatile and short-lived. The rush of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. with physical contact doesn't last long and isn't sufficient to sustain a relationship. Deep down there is the belief (or lack of) that you are a good match, and with that belief people will work through tough times even if at times they may not feel the "feelings." When she said she's not sure about her feelings, the real reason could be that she no longer believes you two are a good match. If she's still attracted to you, which she might well be, spending some time in person could temporarily boost the "feelings" but, if she's a more rational person, will not change her hesitation in the long run. She has overcome a lot and learned a lot in these two years. She's a new person now. How about you? Have you been striving for a similar level of personal growth and career development? Do you feel somehow left behind? Does she still see you as an equal partner, or is she maybe a little disappointed by your lack of growth?
  14. I'm so sorry. This should have been enough for you to realize he's f**ked up. He abused your trust and had zero consideration for what you wanted and needed in life. Trying to make sense of his behavior is counterproductive because it tricks your mind into making up more and more excuse for him. Whether he was intentionally cruel and manipulative or just incredibly immature and irresponsible, it doesn't change the fact that he has made little contribution to your family and been a constant source of pain and upset. It will not get better until you cut him out of your life.
  15. You said you started this together but sounds like she's doing most of the hard work. Going to nurse school, learning a new language, going to a new country to build a new life - these are not easy tasks. I'm sure you've been supporting her in your ways during all this but she's the one doing it all. Do you think she could have outgrown the relationship after experiencing all this? Even if she doesn't want to continue the relationship now, she's not "quitting" from this new life she built for herself with all the career/life changes. I'm sorry but there is little you can do at this point if she's no longer interested in sharing that life with you.
  16. I see. Your title is a bit misleading it sounds like you're asking if women like men who are both short and older than them. Again every woman is different. If a girl goes for the tall guys for vanity or peer pressure, then yeah, they could grow out of it as they become more mature. But if it's their natural preference then it's less likely to change. I prefer taller men, and that hasn't changed since I started to develop an interest in the opposite sex. But like I said there were times in my life where I was incredibly attracted to "shorter" guys and at that point, their height no longer matters to me. So, even among the women who prefer taller guys, it is rarely a determining factor. It is the whole package that's important. Of course there will be women with rigid standards say they won't even look at guys below 5'10 - so what? Their preference doesn't mean you're of less worth, it simply means you're not their type. Still plenty of fish in the sea. Be careful not to develop a resentful attitude toward women because "they all go for the top 20%, they deserve to be played with." Bitterness is not attractive. When a girl chooses a taller guy over you, accept it with grace and don't try to make things feel better by attacking her or his personality (she's superficial, he's a player, etc. etc.). Look elsewhere. Bars are unfortunately an environment where people assess one another primarily by looks. The few times I took a date from a bar/club it always turned out we had little in common. Since you have more to offer, try to expand your social circle and meet people in other events, volunteering, group sports, book club, etc. Lose those "friends" who have dubious moral values and make fun of you, and definitely don't settle for any women just to be in a relationship.
  17. Sorry but this great mystery that you solved was simply not true. There are billions of women in the world and they don't all like the same things. Every individual is different. Relationships are between two individuals, not you facing "women" as the entire gender. Generally speaking being short, either for men or women, is not a great advantage in terms of physical attractiveness. But it's far from the worst even in that department, and there is so much more that make someone attractive beyond physical features. There are plenty of short, older men and women who have happy relationships. I wouldn't say it is them being short and/or old that attracted their partners to them, but it didn't stop it, right? Instead of focusing on the things that you cannot change, work on the good things you can bring to a relationship. I see you mentioned your academic/career success and high earning potential. That's good, but why do you immediately jump to "what if girls are only with me for my money"? People are attracted to successful people not just for the money but also for the whole package: intelligence, confidence, ambition, which are all parts of you. How is it different than, according to your theory, girls being attracted to tall guys (let's assume for a second that's true)? Do the tall guys think, "heck, what if she's just with me because I'm tall?!" I doubt so. Also, why would you be an "older" man? Are you imagining still only dating 20-somethings when you're 35-40? Practice self-love. Learn to see beauty not just in good looks, and remind yourself every now and then all the great things about yourself, that you're perfectly lovable, that you are you, a uniquely beautiful individual not just some "short, old man." And all you need is to find one person that is a good match for you, not for all the women in the world to like you. I've mostly dated taller guys but for a good while in high school I was super attracted to a boy who you can call short. He's smart, confident and pretty good at sports. My crush ended when I found he had a rather arrogant personality, but there were a lot more girls who liked him - probably where his overconfidence came from. He's also very successful after school and now married with kids. I don't think he ever worried for a second whether women would like him as a short man, or if they liked him only for his money, you know?
  18. You already said it all. Pretty much nothing works for everybody except air, water, food, sleep, and maybe good sex. I had both good and bad experiences with therapy. When it helped it wasn't because the therapist told me something I didn't know or found some magical solution for my problems. Sometimes I simply needed the time and space to talk about things, in a way that I don't feel like doing with my family/friends/partner, to calm my mind and to figure it out on my own. It was not cheap but in general I felt it was worth it. I only used therapy when I was in some kind of crisis or transition. When I start to feel the cost outweighs the benefit I stop. The person matters, too. A therapist that other people strongly recommends may not click with you. I always try to shop around and meet a few to start when I want to see a therapist. It's a bit like dating - you have to find someone who you're comfortable with. I know the feeling of sitting through a session with a therapist and everything they say just rubs you the wrong way. Not fun. Sorry you never had a real therapeutical experience with therapists. I think therapy is an important part of mental health care. Not many people who are just going through a tough time need to see a psychiatrist/doctor. And then there is marriage/relationship counseling - which I haven't tried but I heard can be a lifesaver for some. Likely a waste of time and money for others, of course. I agree with your sentiment that recommendation for therapy (or even psychiatrist/doctors) can be overused sometimes on this forum. In many cases there are other ways of self care, many of which far predate modern therapy, that can work just as well. There are people who are simply not in in the position financially to afford therapy. There are parts of the world where therapy is not as popular/accessible and still associated with strong stigma. Everyone's situation is different. Recommending therapy is probably a simple "one-size-fits-all" prescription that presumes a lot of these things, like many doctors who, facing a new patient, often start with the most common condition/treatment that fits their symptoms and see how it goes. More generally, what many people are seeking on this forum is not that different from therapy - someone to talk to, a listening ear, maybe with some advice. The advice here comes for free but from people who don't necessarily have any training or experience, people who are often facing the same troubles themselves. So it should be a given that any such advice comes with the bias/limits of that person, just like how what therapists can offer are limited, but even more so. You can see how a user's advice is shaped by their own experience of the world, their own stories, their own perceptions. But here you hear from different people with different perspectives, so you can feel free to take the parts that are helpful and ignore the parts that are not (e.g., therapy). Not much unlike what I do with therapists, I'd say.
  19. People who "fool around" with you and then start missing and chasing you are often emotionally unavailable and have issues of their own. Stick to your guns and be honest to yourself. If love is what you want, continue to look for that. Don't hide your real desire and hope you "run into" someone while engaging in casual sex who will end up falling in love with you. It's like looking for an orange in an apple tree.
  20. This might be just too much of an incompatibility. To me sometimes the statements or actions of some politicians are plainly stupid if not ill-intentioned. Is that too much nastiness for you? I don't know, there are political opinions that I disagree with but respect and can have an amiable conversation over, and there are some that makes me question the holder's personality.
  21. Sorry, but this last conversation seems to exactly reflect how she feels unheard and devalued. Your lady friend's reality is different from your reality. Her truth is different from your truth and your experience. The whole thread is about this and somehow you were shocked by this. All you were trying to tell her was that her reality was wrong, she shouldn't be feeling that way, the truth was xxx (your own experience). You were rejecting her experience and her reality as invalid. That is exactly how being unheard and devalued feels and it is very much a turnoff. So you got a taste of it too. Didn't feel great did it? If it were your lady friend posting here don't you think she would say exactly the same things "he just wasn't capable of hearing me"? Your ex example was just another demonstration of this. She expressed a concern, and you rushed to try to quench it by telling her it was not like that, you were over your ex, you and your ex were not like her ex and his ex, she was all wrong, etc. etc. You were talking in circles with both of you refusing to hear each other and keeping repeating yourself. It was exhausting just to read. I suspect she eventually gave in just because she was too tired of arguing, not because she was actually convinced. Have you thought all this could have gone a completely different direction and left both of you feeling more respected and connected, if you start by acknowledging and "hearing" her concerns, understanding the needs and trying to identify where you guys agree rather than disagree, instead of jumping to defend yourself and shoot her down? Read up "nonviolence communication." It might help.
  22. He's not your soulmate. He's verbally abusive and it could develop to physical. Look up online resources for abuse victims and start planning an exit.
  23. Sorry about the misunderstanding. Glad you are going to address it sooner rather than later. I explained my reasoning in the following posts, but to put it in simple terms: would you be comfortable showing this thread to your gf? Do you think she would feel hurt in seeing your depiction of her and the relationship? Note that my personal rule of thumb is that when someone posts something (feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc.) that they'd rather hide from their partner there is a problem. Everyone has their own reality of a situation. You can certainly openly talk about your reality and it doesn't have to be "biased" even if it is subjective. But if your reality is too far from her reality, or any reality that she can possibly accept, it does seem to me that the relationship is over. Plus there is always the possibility that she could actually come across the thread.
  24. You are welcome OP. Sorry about the harsh comments. I still think you should have let her go sooner, but we all were (or are) selfish in relationships sometime, in some way. It is natural. Obviously you care for her, so try to make the best decision for both of your futures. I wish you and your gf all the best.
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