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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. Exactly. Your decision to end things is just that - a decision, not a negotiation or an ultimatum for him to do this or that. You are in a relationship not a marriage. When you are done you are done - a breakup doesn't need his cooperation. His reactions just showed again what a emotionally immature, manipulative and self-centered person he is and confirmed you made a right decision IMO. After being manipulated by him for so long it takes time and effort to recondition yourself so you are not affected by his finger pointing and playing victim. Don't feel bad for this. If he badmouths you after the breakup, know that only further reflects who he is. Cut him out of your social circle. Any "mutual friends" who take his side and blame you are not your friends. Leave them behind and choose people who are capable of seeing your perspective as friends and partner.
  2. I don't think you talking to him is strange at all. People meet and talk via online games, forums, etc all the time. I do find it a bit strange that you claim to have no intention of dating him but compare your connection to people meeting on dating sites while like you said that's not really comparable to your situation. To my knowledge people on dating sites tend to search for local matches and rule out emotionally unstable/unavailable people early on. They also don't get this wrapped up with the mental health issues of an online match. If someone I consider as a friend only sends an explicit photo uninvited he will not be my friend anymore. There's obviously something beyond friendship between you two.
  3. This is what I'm thinking as well. I think you are tricking yourself with this "we are just friends" "I just want to be there for him" "he's the one who wants to meet" "I'm not looking to date him but why should I rule that out just because he has mental issues?" narrative. There is nothing wrong with meeting friends online and eventually wanting to meet them. Nothing wrong with supporting a friend with mental issues either. However most people don't get this preoccupied with an online friend they haven't met and don't compare their online friendships with meeting people on dating apps. People who met on dating apps have very straightforward intentions, while your intention with this guy seems always murky. You keep saying you don't want to date him but you are open to flirting and explicit photos. Friends don't sext, unless you are trying to become FWBs. Sure you can say he's initiating all that, etc. but you played along. Would you reciprocate if just any random person you met online starts flirting and sending you explicit photos? While no one can tell what he's really thinking I think it's worthwhile to turn inward and ask yourself what YOU want out of this friendship/relationship. He's not necessarily lying or a bad person, but it's more important to be honest with yourself and your hidden expectations. Otherwise you can be setting yourself up for major disappointment.
  4. He sounds abusive, controlling and shady in my books. But regardless whether you define his behavior as abusive, his double standards, short temper and inability to communicate are huge red flags and should be deal breakers IMO. Why do you stay in an unhappy relationship without any hope to improve (he isn't even open to discuss it)?
  5. There really doesn't have to be any deeper reason for his actions (remove you or not). You've dated a month and broken up for many months, with no contact for at least 5. Maybe he was simply cleaning up his friends list and removing a bunch of people at once. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what you've been posting. It shouldn't have any impact on you either. Don't show up uninvited. Most people would not react nicely to this kind of surprise. Even my bf who stays at my place frequently knows better than to show up without letting me know. And it's not because I have anything to hide from him. For an ex it would be stalking and harassment. I've actually had someone out of state showing up uninvited at my doorstep once and trying to wait for me to get home. It was CREEPY. I completely agree with his reaction to your visit.
  6. Sorry about your cat. Hugs. He is not your friend though. "Let's be friends" is just something people say when breaking up. You tried twice with this guy in five years and you and he remain the same different, incompatible people. Also he got into a relationship within weeks after your last fallout, so it doesn't sound like he was always that slow with relationships. Maybe he just doesn't feel you two are a match. When you talk about chemistry you are not in a "friends" mindset. You can't be friends if either of you still have romantic feelings for the other, especially if he's still in a relationship. You risk hurting yourself again if you reach out to him for friendship. Do you have other friends or family for emotional support?
  7. I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. It was a mistake to quit your job before getting married. Now you see who he is and of course he doesn't want to break up because it's not always this easy to find a free babysitter, maid and cook that comes with sex and financial support. Write him off, get a job when you can and go back to live your life for yourself.
  8. Are you sure this is his sister? She sounds like a second girlfriend.
  9. This could be him simply wanting to focus his attention on you. Or he puts the phone down and pretends to be doing something else? I do this a lot when I get into a new game on my phone and can't stop playing it. LOL The other signs sound suspicious, especially if he wasn't like that before and only recently started acting this way. But if he's always been protective with his phone maybe that's just who he is. Anyway, why not share your observation with him and see what he has to say? If he gets defensive or deflects the question, maybe he's not trustworthy.
  10. Instead of playing hard to get and pretending to be not overly attached, do distract yourself with other interests, work and friends so you don't get so emotionally invested in someone you don't really know. Otherwise you can be setting yourself up for major disappointment. I second that there is no need to say you don't message first in your profile. If you don't feel like messaging first, just don't.
  11. I get emotional and tear up easily in arguments too. I used to hate it and researched ways to control my tears. It helps in workplace or other professional settings, but in personal arguments (especially with a bf) I find it very hard. Or sometimes I don't really want to control it. When there are a lot of arguments that trigger my emotional response that's usually a sign that the relationship is not working. When I'm happy in my relationship those tearful arguments are almost nonexistent and I can hardly remember the last time I cried. I think your ex is contributing equally, if not mostly, to your prolonged arguments. If he refuses to see his fault and blames it all on your emotions, getting back with him will only cause more tears and pain for you.
  12. If he is indeed a great human being as you said he will find his happiness alone or with friends, family or another great person. You can't be the only one in the world who can see his greatness. You can only sacrifice your happiness for someone else's for so long, as you have discovered.
  13. Sure he might come back but it probably won't be happy ever after. He mentioned you two wanted different things, and I don't see how that has changed. Especially as you push him to give another try and he's been always on the fence. He doesn't want to settle down with you now or in the foreseeable future. If you are looking for a lifelong partner, would you be willing to waste another few precious years for him to figure it out? Chance is he won't.
  14. This is offensive and I don't blame you for being upset. He doesn't sound like an easy person to be around. You were talking about your "improvement," what about his anger issues? Is he going to work on them or even own his part in the fallout? Why does it sound like you're the only one who needs to put in the work for another chance?
  15. Are these the only incidence where you get annoyed by him? Do you feel the same annoyance when he spends money on something he likes without going out? Or if he's going out without you but not spending money?
  16. So why haven't you discussed where you both stand in each other's lives? Did he tell you if he's seeing other people at the same time? Is he even looking for a relationship? What are plans for future? All the other things sound sweet and fun but without the explicit commitment to an exclusive relationship they don't necessarily mean anything.
  17. I think the hard truth is this is not a man that you can "settle down" with anytime soon, if ever. Only you can decide which is more important for you. Finding a stable, loving relationship and maybe leading to marriage/family etc? Or hanging on to this man and his drama?
  18. Good call. Seems like he's eager to find someone else to pay for his vacations. That might have explained why he hasn't even offered a cup of coffee...
  19. That's fair. I personally wouldn't want to leave my place for my newly ex to pack, and I wouldn't ask them to if I'm the one packing. So I think it's not always a reasonable expectation although you can certainly suggest it and see what she thinks. She might be upset though especially if it comes across as you don't want to face her for another second. Possibly. But again it really depends on what she thinks. She might prefer to be elsewhere, or she might hate the idea. If you are totally okay with either outcome, I'd say ask away. It just sounded like you would strongly prefer her to be away while you pack, so I read it more as a demand than a suggestion.
  20. In general I don't think people should expect someone they are breaking up with to leave their own homes just so that they can pack in peace. The pandemic situation only makes it more unreasonable. If they offer to leave and give you the space, great. But you posting here seems to suggest that you know she's not the kind of person that would be naturally comfortable with it. You can of course ask if she'd be willing to but be prepared for her saying no while getting even more emotional and upset. I mean it's not exactly fair to ask her to leave while you are afraid of leaving your belongings with her. What if she's also worried that you might mess with her stuff in her absence? I read your previous posts, and it sounds like you were already feeling a lot of guilt for the breakup. It is understandably uncomfortable, but pretty much all breakups are like that. It is not the most pleasant or convenient thing to go through. Since you're already feeling bad about all of it, you might find some comfort in being kind to your soon-to-be ex and avoiding inconveniencing her too much for your own convenience. Be willing to make some small sacrifices in the process, such as packing in a less optimal environment, facing some awkwardness, and maybe leaving some non-essential belongings behind. It can't be that bad compared to your freedom, a new life without all the drama and hurt. This is not the time for neatness, perfectionism or contemplated moves. Get what's valuable and important to you as quickly as you can and offer to come back later and pick up the rest or leave them at her disposal. If she threatens, screams or otherwise makes it hard to even take your essential belongings, ask a family member or friend to come help you pack. Call the police if needed.
  21. I have a different take on this than most posters here. I have a close relationship with my parents. We don't interfere with each other's relationships, but if my mom or dad accidentally finds that my S/O is cheating and just stays out of it and not let me know? I'd be pretty upset when I find out. Same thing with a close friend. Feels like some kind of betrayal if they could help me see a cheater but choose not to. There can be health consequences such as STDs as well. Your situation is a bit different as you don't know for sure if there's something going on. Also it's your mom and your dad, presumably two of the most important individuals in your life - no matter what you do it could be seen as picking sides and the one you didn't side with could become resentful. It is indeed a tricky situation and I think eventually only you and maybe your siblings know what's the best to do. How are your relationships with each of your parents? Do you think they are possibly having an open marriage? Do you think your mom would be the kind of person who has zero tolerance for infidelity or someone who would rather not know? I won't blame you for "snooping" though. Sometimes you see things accidentally and you can't just unsee them. Even if you don't say or do anything it has probably already stained your relationship with your dad unless both of you can fully forget this incident, but I doubt either will.
  22. There you go. Explain this to him and see if he's cool with it. Pretty much all the guys I've dated want to kiss/hold hands/have sex sooner than I would like. I'd just explain this is my pace and of course, some of them got offended and thought I was "leading them on." Others were glad to hear that it wasn't my lack of interest and willing to spend more time getting to know each other. I find it a necessary filter anyway. It won't do anyone any good to force yourself to kiss/touch someone you're not yet comfortable with. Besides, wise to be guarded with the coronavirus!
  23. I typically kiss a guy after 5 dates or more. I have germ-phobia and prefer not to share germs with some random guy just because they are cute lol. Especially during a pandemic! You know your own pace. Do you typically get comfortable physically much sooner? You said you "like him and want to continue seeing him," to me that sounds like enough interest to keep exploring this early stage connection. If he keeps pushing or disrespect your boundaries you might just be turned off in time and there is your answer.
  24. That sounds frustrating. Hugs. I've recently had some setback in work too and for a while got quite emotional with it. Different story but essentially I felt unappreciated and meanwhile dissatisfied with my progress in my career or I won't have to be dealing with these people (so I thought!). Took me a moment to get over it and eventually recognize it was more of a waste of my time and energy to get upset with people who are, ultimately, merely professional agents and nothing more in my life. There is no point holding the kind of expectations for them like I would for a friend. They are not my friend and will stay that way. I also realized that there could be such disappointments and setbacks no matter where I am in my career, so it doesn't have to be a verdict against me or my achievements. I'm trying to use that energy of anger to fuel my work so I can get where I want sooner.
  25. Do you teach little kids, teenagers, or young adults? Unless you work exclusively with adults, keep in mind that the "behavioral analysis" that you find helpful at work will not work well on a romantic partner. When you said you use "positive language," "encourage her to think positively," it does sound to me very educational - but an adult relationship is not meant to be educational. When you "encourage" someone to think in a certain way, essentially you are trying to tell them their answer is wrong and to teach them the right answer. But it is not a standardized test and in most cases there are no right or wrong answers, just your opinion versus theirs. When you try to bend an adult's mind so they'll abandon their own opinion and adopt yours, 99% of the time it won't work, no matter how "positive" you make it sound. Be very careful not to treat your partner like one of your students. It can be very off putting. Unless, of course, your partner somehow functions like a child. But is that the kind of relationship you want?
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