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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. These seem to be way bigger problems than him having exes on his fb. He sounds like an arrogant attention seeker and more importantly, he doesn't respect you. You have no say in this relationship. Why do you think he's a great person when he treats you this way? Back to your question, you are not wrong for not wanting him to stay in contact with those exes. He's not wrong for wanting to keep them either. You are just not on the same page in that aspect. A very important aspect of a relationship IMO. There is no point trying to bend him to fit into your boundaries if he doesn't want to. However what happens now is that you are bending over backwards yourself to fit in his ways. Not fair and not sustainable.
  2. Maybe this is why she's broken up and your relationship was dying. When someone told you you looked like flirting with another girl while in a relationship you should have paused and reflected on that. You brushed it off and carried on with disrespectful behavior to both your gf and her ex which very likely contributed to the demise of your relationships. The result of cheating or emotional cheating is not pure love; it is two selfish individuals seeking whatever makes themselves feel good at the moment at the expense of others - not even strangers, but the partners they are supposed to love and care for. I cannot trust someone who does this to their partners. She was never 100% available to you. First there was her bf and when he's out of the picture she still doesn't want to date you. Even if she agrees to date you, do you really believe she will not start flirting with other guys and telling them they could make a better couple at some point, as soon as your relationship gets stale? Why do you find this trait attractive?
  3. To answer your question in the title, Ksen, he was not totally honest because he was afraid you would not date him should you know earlier, as you said yourself. He waited until you "fell in love with him," until he had more confidence that you would not leave. Some people might say he's a genuine guy just slow to open up. To me he was manipulative and deliberately wasted your time. Other than that, this relationship sounds fraught with issues. You are long distance and he barely communicates or cares about what you think or want. Don't obligate yourself to a relationship just because he made the trip to your country. You deserve much more than that.
  4. Have you ever discussed each other's opinion about marriage before? Are you guys on the same page with respect to that? In my experience people divulge if they were married and divorced way before getting exclusive. You said you were already in a relationship - plenty of chances for him to mention that. There are people who would not want to deal with a divorcee especially if they're very young. To withhold that information until the other person gets emotionally attached is not being honest. I'd consider it a major red flag, or more likely a deal breaker, if someone I'm dating casually refers to his ex as if she was just an ex-girlfriend, until we were official then he suddenly discloses that they were actually married.
  5. So were you exclusive at the 2 month point? When did you actually agree to become exclusive, if you ever had that conversation? Other than agreeing with what's already been said by other posters, I notice that you said you've lost respect for him due to his lying (and rightfully so). I wouldn't stay long in a relationship with someone I don't respect. Can you really trust and respect each other from now on?
  6. It sounds to me that you are romanticizing this relationship way too much due to dissatisfaction with your current circumstances. Unfortunately, few partners can live up to this level of fantasy. A relationship may enrich your life and make it wonderful in many ways, but it cannot turn an otherwise horrible life 180 around and make it perfect. You will probably feel much happier if you address the problems in your life first before entering a relationship. Distance yourself from toxic family, become financially and emotionally independent, improve your career, make good friends and develop healthy hobbies. When you feel comfortable with your own life you wouldn't put so much hope on a man and feel the need to hang on as if he's the only light in your world. You will notice all the red flags and move on swiftly if he doesn't treat you right. What do you mean you've never been with him? Have you ever met in person or is it a purely online relationship? If you can easily go to his country without his help, why not just go and visit? It can be also exciting to move to a new country without any existing ties - you are fully open and available to explore, to meet new people, and to date guys who will probably treat you much better than your long-distance boyfriend.
  7. Like you said you are currently talking daily for hours instead of meeting up due to circumstances (covid etc.). Her circumstances might have just changed. It could be literally anything and could go any direction just like your very early, fledgling romance. No use for speculation at this point. I would just be careful not to get overly attached before you actually meet the person.
  8. Have you met up in person? It's been only 9 hours and she said she was busy. You don't know each other that well so if there was a family emergency or something she may not feel comfortable to overshare. Relax and give her space. You can send her a simple "Good night" or "Good morning" text when you go to bed or get up but don't push her for a response. When she's ready to contact you she will.
  9. Happy belated birthday! It doesn't matter what love language you both speak, he just sounds lazy and complacent IMO. If you used to celebrate each other's birthday and get each other gifts it's not "unrealistic expectation" to expect him to reciprocate. Some people are fine with just a text; some people don't even remember their own birthdays. But it should be based on mutual understanding, i.e., if he knows you don't care about birthdays and you both agreed to not celebrate then what he did would have sufficed. That is obviously not the case for you. He just decided to make the minimal effort and when you are disappointed he got mad. He sounds like the very opposite of a caring, thoughtful boyfriend. From what you describe of your relationship though, this birthday disappointment might be the smallest of your problems. All you said about his good traits are what he says: him telling you he loves you and wants to start a family with you. Remember words are cheap. Even if he does love you and wants to marry you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an endless series of disappointments like this? Because it will not get better. He doesn't care about your feelings and needs, or he would have at least listened to your complaints and tried to do what it takes to please you on your birthday. Don't make "sacrifices" for him. Why do you have to stay up late to talk to him? If he is not willing to adjust his schedule to make time to talk with you, he doesn't care about the relationship. Don't be the only person dragging the relationship forward. Stop treating him as the top priority in your life as he doesn't prioritize you. He doesn't appreciate your "sacrifices," you are just building up resentment toward him. I would leave him if I were you. The relationship sounds very dissatisfying. Why do you "barely trust men" though? Don't let your bf or a few exes define your perception of men. There are probably as many reliable, trustworthy men in this world as there are loving and caring women. But you have to lose the lousy ones before you can find a good one.
  10. I didn't realize you were the OP who posted a while ago asking if your relationship was abusive. Kudos to you for taking actions and ending the relationship - but know that the weeks following the breakup can be the hardest. Second guessing is very common even if you have all the right reasons to end the relationship. It is also common to tell yourself "I'm so done" while secretly, even subconsciously harboring the thought "if only he could do this or that..." the relationship could have worked. Distract yourself with work, hobbies, friends and don't fall back into the trap of over analyzing and obsessing with every single thing he says or does. Know what's the most empowering thing you can do? Moving on with your life regardless of how he lives his. Don't backpedal.
  11. If that's the case he and she sound a lot closer than "just met and started to date." Also he'd be doing things behind her back if he promised her to block you but still try to keep in contact with you.
  12. Have you considered the possibility that maybe she already found out your sexting and was upset and maybe that's why he had to block you so abruptly? ...
  13. There is nothing petty or immature about unfriending someone on Facebook. I unfriended an ex after breaking up and he called to ask why I did that. I told him I didn't want to stay friends and therefore there was no point keeping him on my facebook. I recently unfriended someone who keeps posting provocative misinformation. A mature person can take control of their social media and social circle without having to fret about what their exes or ex-friends think of it. If he's been abusive it should be even easier - he is not your friend, why keep him on your facebook friends list?
  14. Since you are already convinced that she was playing mind games with you and lost interest in her, I would cancel the date. I won't consider it flaking if you have a good reason and let her know well in advance. Tell her as soon as possible so she can make other arrangements. The alternative (still going on the date but act platonic) sounds disingenuous and just a waste of her time. At least you should let her know that you see this (lunch? coffee? whatever activities) as just friends hanging out. She might as well decide she's not interested in that case. Approaching the date with a "I don't care if she's put off, I'm done, but if she makes a move things might change." attitude is counterproductive. If she makes a move during the date and starts chasing you will it change your opinion about her "playing mind games"? If so, it sounds contradictory to your high standards. And chance is, a woman who will tolerate your hot and cold behavior and fall to this push-pull dynamic is likely one that is capable of playing mind games. Yes, going on a "date" with no romantic intentions just waiting to see what the other has to offer sounds like playing mind games to me too.
  15. Because you are not supposed to forget them. Not so soon anyway. Some hurtful things, once said or done, cause permanent damage that can't be undone. Not to mention he says those things pretty regularly from your description. Never condone abuse physical or verbal. It probably wont be long before he slips again, I'm afraid.
  16. He is an abusive, cheating, gaslighting, disgusting person. Don't you think you deserve better? And really, your situation sounds incredibly dangerous to me. He gets angry with you on the smallest things and hurts you. He's exposing you to who knows what STDs. Staying in this relationship could literally cost your life.
  17. Your anxiety is not about moving in per se but about allowing her and her kids further into your life. Obviously her vision for the relationship is different from yours, and you can only keep her at arms length for so long. Even you can keep her from moving in for a while the relationship will not work eventually because you can't be the partner she needs. This is selfish. You can't just take the part of her that you like and keep ignoring the rest. Let her go.
  18. No, just a general observation. I do get this impression sometimes (not so long ago from another thread here regarding sex/kissing in the early stage of dating) that when a person (typically a woman) feels uncertain about getting physical with someone they just started dating they can be criticized as leading them on.
  19. So you know she doesn't care if she comes across as being rude to you. Or she simply doesn't feel a need to respond (I feel the same way sometimes when a simple question got answered or the conversation is naturally coming to an end). Someone has to end the conversation at some point. Basically if the only reason I reply to someone's messages is not wanting to be rude, it wouldn't bother me if they don't reply back. If you feel this annoyed by her not replying, it seems like you are still holding some expectations or wanting to talk to her. I don't typically recommend "block+delete" but if you can't bring yourself to ignore her messages or not be disturbed by them, maybe that's the best way to move on.
  20. What do you mean by her "ignoring" you? If you get this distressed whenever she doesn't reply to a message within 30 minutes, you might be better off working on your anxiety and direct your attention elsewhere rather than blocking/unblocking and getting back into contact to question why she is ignoring you. You and she are no longer an item and people have their own lives. I might be on and off in talking with a friend where some messages can be replied days later and we pick up where we left off. If the topic is not urgent nobody gets upset over such thing. You said you didn't want to talk so why are you still talking to her? You can ignore her messages too.
  21. Just want to point out that many people do subconsciously get pressured into having sex before they feel completely ready to. They "consented" at the moment only to late regret it and feel bad about themselves. It is sad but it happens with well-grown adults. And the other party doesn't even have to be overtly pushing in their advances. You might be surprised how many people are so reluctant to upset/disappoint other people that they suppress their own needs instead. This "if you aren't interested in sex you're leading them on" argument certainly plays a role in it. Taking more time to know someone before starting a sexual relationship is different from depriving them of a sexually fulfilling relationship.
  22. I would probably at least not reply, or he might think you actually enjoy it and be encouraged to send more I think you can ask it in a generic way, like "what are your goals regarding dating at this point?" "what would an ideal relationship for you look like?" I've also had guys asking "do you believe in the institution of marriage?" "what are your plans for life in the next 3-5 years?" "at what age do you want to have kids?" Lol. Some of these questions might scare some people off. But again it doesn't have to be an all serious conversation. You are still in the stage of getting to know each other and relationship goals are an important aspect to learn about a potential partner. If he reacts negatively to something that means much to you, say, a long-term relationship, then again you can find out early on and avoid wasting more time on a poor match. I wouldn't assume that just because a guy invested in a few dates with you he must be looking for something more serious than hook up. But I wouldn't care too much either as their intentions generally get revealed over time. If you feel any hesitation, queasiness, etc. about having sex with someone, just don't. I would be even more cautious now due to the pandemic. But here is the thing - even if he's looking for a serious relationship with you, and you two have had sex, it might not work out. You might break up in a few months because of other incompatibilities. Would you be okay with that and not think "I should have known he was just after the sex"?
  23. Nothing wrong with slowing down the pace if it feels rushed to you. Let him know you are physically attracted to him but don't want to have sex so soon. I personally would find videos with explicit sexual content from someone I've been on a few dates with off putting. If his comments or behavior make you uncomfortable, gently let him know and if he gets defensive and rude, then you know you are not a good match. You can and probably should talk about this. It doesn't have to slip into defining your relationship - however, the longer you wait before touching this topic, the more likely it will. In my experience most of the guys I go on a date with will ask some version of the question "so, what are you looking for?" within the first 2-3 dates. At that point there is almost no risk of being cornered to define our nonexistent "relationship." However if someone I've been seeing 3 months but not in an official relationship with asks this question? It would sound like he wants to know where we are.
  24. You broke up with her. I'm not sure why you still expect her to reply to every one of your messages. Even a friend doesn't have this much responsibility let alone an ex. You decided you didn't want her in your life anymore. Why demand to know what she wants you to do now as if she has all the power? Stop using the block/unblock as a punishment or a way to get her attention. It won't work.
  25. Did you ask him why he is suddenly doing this? Like you said you haven't been doing much naughty stuff lately so maybe he's just missing that aspect of your relationship? If that's the case, kindly describe to him the things that stimulate you and the kind of experience you would like instead. Plan for some time and activities together so you can both relax and share an intimate moment every now and then.
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