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About Markus86

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  1. The best way that I can summarise how I feel is that it is a feeling of not being able to express myself the way I want to do it in front of people, combined with an occasional stinging feeling of loneliness. But on a positive note, I do actually seem to notice changes in myself lately; I seem to have been able to relax a lot more when I have talked to the cashiers and receptionists who I sometimes see when I go shopping or go to the gym, and the fact that I have felt significantly more at ease in front of them than I have done in probably a couple years now feels like a very positive firs
  2. I haven't ignored your suggestions - I will definitely look into volunteer work opportunities, I just haven't thought about responding to that particular suggestion in my last posts. That sounds like a good idea.
  3. Yeah I realise that people are generally different as adults compared to when they were teenagers; however, you can still have a certain "core personality" that works perfectly fine in all stages of life, and that feels most natural to different people. And I have noticed very clearly that I feel a whole lot better about myself when I get good opportunities to talk to people in a relaxed way, and that's also what I was a lot like throughout pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence, and I keep finding myself feeling my best when I get into that "state". In fact, I think I have already
  4. The girls at my university are at least 19 years old, and a lot of them are around 25-30. But that's not my actual goal, I just said that one difference that I have noticed is that I could flirt with girls much more effortlessly when I was a teenager, and that skill is not related to age. I consider it a sign that I was on some level more comfortable among people in general when I was a teenager, and I am planning on re-developing that relaxed attitude among people. I also remember that I had a super-relaxed attitude in front of cashiers when I went shopping, in fact to the point that I a
  5. Well that wasn't what I meant, I just meant that I would notice a significant improvement if I started being able to flirt like that again, since this is something that I currently feel very awkward about doing, regardless of whether those girls are my age or not - and I think that one big reason for this is because I still need to work on a lot of things regardless my social life in general. And my planned visits at the school's night club are only meant to be a way for me to get used to hanging out in those environments, and exposing myself to "new" situations. I am actually not sure if I
  6. Yes, basically I am just aiming to get back my relaxed personality that I had back then. I think that the fact that my teenage self could easily make eye contact with girls and casually flirt with them without feeling the least bit awkward summarises quite well what kind of social level that I am aiming for - because if you are gonna be able to do something like that in a relaxed and effortless way then you generally need to feel very confident in yourself and have a light-hearted personality, otherwise it will just feel stiff and awkward. So I will definitely know that I have made some sign
  7. One of the very first and most important steps when you interact with girls is to make them feel comfortable around you. One very common reason why girls step away from a guy is because they feel that he gives off insecure vibes or seems desperate or demanding in some way, and they generally don't like that at all; and this is bigger deal for girls, since they are typically at a physical disadvantage in front of guys and thus need to be more careful. I would suggest that you allow yourself to take a temporary break from thinking about women too much, and spend a couple weeks or months on
  8. Yeah, I visited the gym earlier today, and that wasn't a problem, so it feels good to get that part of my life going again. One annoying problem that I find myself having among people, though, is that due to my overall insecurity among them I very easily feel judged when I receive eye contact from someone who looks grave or serious in some way - it is a bit draining for me to get eye contact with someone who has that grave look, because it gives me the feeling that they dislike my presence or something, kind of as if their eyes as saying "what are you doing here?", which is kinda weird sinc
  9. Yes I am aware that I should focus more on paying attention to other things than myself, it's just really hard to avoid falling into that self-absorbed state where I worry about myself because that's what I have been doing for several years now. My social skills also depend a lot on the situation; I can have relaxed conversations with people once one of us have started on a topic that I am reasonably interested in, and then have long discussions about that with no problem. So it's a little bit diffuse sometimes, but basically I need more practice in avoiding those self-absorbed thoughts a
  10. The biggest "roadblock" for me at the moment is that I very easily feel awkward in front of other people, and feel that I don't have any "backbone". I often find myself mumbling or stuttering if the conversations take an unexpected turn, like for example if I am about to pay for a gym card at my school and then there is some problem with something - that can throw me off very easily and make me insecure. I also usually feel very tense, and find it hard to speak with a strong and clear voice, although for some reason I become much, much more confident when I speak in front of the class and th
  11. Well, most people want to feel noticed and validated. Also, hanging out with people similarly to how I did as a teenager is a timeless lifestyle, and if I keep noticing that I feel much, much better when I end up in anything even remotely approaching a casual conversation with people, then that's worth striving for. My mother is 57 years old and she still goes to parties with lots of friends whenever she gets the chance and has casual relationships with men, and that certainly seems a million times more interesting then my own current life at university at the moment. Most of my classma
  12. Yeah, I do sometimes get chances to "break out" of my shell and act more like my ideal self in those situations where I have a good excuse to say something, and those moments feel incredibly good. It is like a huge burst of energy where I feel "fulfilled" and like I can finally be myself for a moment, and where my whole body language basically says "yeah, this is what I am like when I am actually relaxed", and it is always fun to see people's astonished reactions when that happens.
  13. Yes, but I don't enjoy being alone like this - it feels wrong and almost always bothers me to some degree, even though I can usually ignore it enough to not get too frustrated - and I always feel a million times better when I get good chances to have conversations with people and express myself, so that's something that I should change.
  14. Yeah, I asked for a reservation yesterday via mail, and they sent an automatic response where they said that they would keep contact with me next week. It's not necessarily the feeling of being alone in itself that bothers me the most, the most annoying thing about this is to have those nostalgic memories of my teenage years when I was this cool and interesting guy who both guys and girls found interesting and wanted to hang out with, and where there was this relaxed and open attitude both from me and from them that escalated back and forth between us - I would feel relaxed right from the s
  15. I figured that I might as well try asking them if they know about something if I haven't found anything myself until Monday. If they don't know anything about it, then they can probably still tell me which part of the university that I should go to.
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