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Posts posted by Komerebi

  1. Thanks everyone for your replies. I’ll say that just finding a safe space where I could voice my frustrations with this openly, and reading all of your thoughtful responses, has broken the hold my thought pattern had. The thought of my ex is less complete, hardly there. I am not ruminating or feeling frustrated. 

    Towards the end of that relationship I couldn’t wait to be free of it, not just no contact but completely free emotionally as well. I knew as soon as I was emotionally open and available, I’d get snatched up by the right man. I just needed this guy to sit down already so the gentleman waiting behind him could step up, metaphorically. 

    But I wasn’t focused on the men, or finding a man - My sense of self-worth grew exponentially, I knew what I didn’t want and wouldn’t stand. I felt protective of my happiness and joy. I committed to my playfulness and sense of freedom. I wanted to keep the energy light - no pain, no drama, no time wasted on mixed messages. 

    I am still doing just that 💕 which is why I really wanted to clear the frustration. Thanks for listening!

    • Like 2
  2. 3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

    My toxic ex crosses my mind to this day and we broke up in 2009.

    I have trouble forgiving myself for the way I behaved in that relationship. I was willing to do anything, anything at all try to get that awful guy to love me. I humiliated and shamed myself for him. And sadly, HE broke up with ME. I didn't even have enough self esteem to leave him.

    I think that's why I still think about it. And it's why I post on this forum.

    We need to learn to forgive ourselves. It's ok for us to have made bad decisions in the past. But we won't do that anymore, will we?

    This resonates with me on such a level I feel I could have written. The last 10% of the closure I need has nothing to do with the guy, and everything to do with me forgiving myself for getting stuck in something so empty. 

    I feel tired of the past coming to mind and am ready to do that last bit of letting go. I just have been struggling with how and getting frustrated. 

    I think the comment above from SooSad33 has the advice I know I need to take - probably just need a few more sessions with my old therapist. 

    • Like 1
  3. So a toxic ex keeps popping into my mind. It was a poor relationship that I stayed in too long, which I realize was my fault and my one regret is not walking away sooner. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, and I feel indifferent to the guy. We aren’t connected on social media and I feel really happy with my life. I shed everything that was a reminder of our time quite a while back and I have since moved on to a loving, healthy relationship.

    So why does he keep circling through my thoughts then? And how do I make it stop? 

    If there is some lingering healing to do, what do I need to do to heal?

  4. If I were to sum up my experiences with dating thus far, I would say I was focused on learning how to date (how I like to date), experiencing different personalities romantically, becoming aware and taking ownership of my own patterns, getting comfortable putting myself out there while upholding my standards, and learning how to navigate expressing my needs and wants. My approach was a bit aimless, like I thought something magic would just happen while I was open to even not the best experiences for the sake of figuring things out. But as I come in to 2020 I am more prepared and ready than ever to date with the intent of finding my partner for life. For the first time in my life, I am writing out what I am looking for in a relationship, the qualities I find most attractive in a man, and my deal breakers. I have a clearer sense of my own needs, an appreciation for everything I bring to the table within a partnership, and I know my standards. In the past I was hesitant to walk away from good men that weren’t good fits, but now I want to date and be picky about it. Friend zone people more quickly at the first signs we aren’t compatible.


    I’m 34 and live in NYC. A lot of people have a negative slant when it comes to dating in NYC, especially as a woman, but I’ve always held out hope that something would work out for me. I want to keep my positive attitude up. I’ve yet to date with this much intent to find my guy and be his girl. I would love a masculine man with his own passions and interests who has self-awareness and understands how to care for a relationship in his own ways.


    I welcome all and any advice! I welcome personal stories and helpful tips as to what worked for you, what didn’t. For some reason, I feel a bit apprehensive taking this direct of an approach - I’ve always enjoyed the fun of dating, but I feel some men misinterpreted that fun-loving spirit as not serious material. I still want to be my playful self - but stay open to all possibilities until the right man steps up. How do I do this?

  5. Thank you everyone for sharing your input and guidance. I’m not sure why I indulged in this for so long, but he indulged me as well and not in a way that was leading me on. I did get emotionally attached and I do care about him. I absolutely hate the finality of break ups - so I’m glad we left each other with some happy memories and on a very positive note. I don’t want to carry any hate, or animosity, or a victimized attitude about what was happening between us. I wasn’t a fool - I saw he wasn’t stepping up, and no matter the reason for it I wanted more out of life and love. I didn’t think more time would “fix him” or that I could change him to being what I wanted.


    When I started aligning my own actions (being less available, saying no more often, not initiating anything) with the reality of the situation was when he ended it.


    I know my own need for validation wants to believe it all meant something. That it wasn’t for nothing. I’m ok if he moves on - he should, I want him to be happy. But is it so bad to want to feel I will be missed? I don’t want to continue what we had, but he will certainly be on my mind. We spent so much time together in the last year, I’ll notice his absence and need to focus (which I have been) on life outside of whatever it was we had.


    Pulling back was the best thing I could’ve done because it’s allowing me to bounce back faster. I’m not sure I want to date right now and while I long for a serious relationship I don’t want to look for one right now. I signed up for a NYC speed dating in January for the fun of connecting with new people and because I usually have a great, playful attitude going into first dates - might as well have a bunch of “first dates” in a single night.

  6. Sorry to hear this. An amicable breakup is best but it sounds like you are deliberately leaving things open wishing and hoping it gets better. It was never good if it was rocky, nebulous, confusing and not committed.


    He will probably move on, and so should you. Next time do not remain in anything this conflicted for this long.


    Thanks, Wiseman2. I always hoped it got better when we were together and it never did. At this point, I feel great about moving on and am surprised how quickly I’ve accepted it. I was ready. I’ll miss him, no doubt. He lives so close to me and i had just moved to this area of NYC when we met so a lot of the places I know around here are because of us. And it’s normal to hope our paths one day cross again still on good terms. I don’t want to see him in this moment - I want to move on. And I don’t want so many of things we had in our relationship. I wouldn’t want to get back together. 2020 is coming - I deserve a fresh start!


    And agreed - I learned so much through the last year about red flags. I don’t intend to repeat this mistake. No regrets this time around, but moving forward from here.

  7. So I was dating this guy for much of 2019 and it was a bit rocky for some of it. At our best we were great, but then there was a lot of mixed messages, uncertainty, and confusion that marred the relationship. I felt him holding back and while I wasn’t holding back in the beginning I too begin to withdraw just out of self-protection. We were never committed, never clear on exclusivity, and eventually it felt like we were stuck on the tarmac. I felt unwanted, understandably, and come fall I was working to get in a place where I just accepted the unknowns of our relationship while focusing on self love.


    The subtle shift in my priorities seemed to push him away, for he initiated a break up a couple of weeks ago and even that was confusing. It opened the door for us to finally have an open and honest and raw conversation that really brought us closer together. Following that we were still hanging out and doing everything we always did as if it was always us. And he started initiating all these plans - concerts we should see, performances to go to, and dinners he’d cook for me. Of course my heart got up. But then the real break up happened this last weekend, initiated by him again.


    It was odd how well we ended it.... I could choose to hate him for being so damn confused. But I don’t. On Saturday night we spent about three hours on FaceTime with both of us upset. I told him that if he didn’t want to date than I couldn’t see him anymore. That I would need some space. We both didn’t want to say goodbye on FaceTime so on Sunday we spent much of the day together with the intent of doing some last things that we had always wanted to do together. I didn’t leave his apartment until Wednesday. It was the most time we’d spend together in months and it was a beautiful time. We both knew it was over, we were both upset, we both cried, we both didn’t want to let go. We laughed and joked as well and I got some of my favorite memories from our time together in those last days. In many ways because we have nothing to lose the level of our intimacy increased. We were both open hearted and forthcoming. A lot of the block to communication that frustrated me came out into the open. There was no more holding back, at least not to the degree we had been throughout the year. Some hurtful words came out, but most were full of loving kindness as we savored each other’s presence and honored our time together. We joked that it would’ve been so much easier if I could be a raging b*tch and he could be an a$shole. But there was so much love in the room, it seems poetic that our relationship of confusion ends upside down.


    Ultimately I think it was the best decision for us to break. I was looking for a man who would stand up and say I want you in my life, this hasn’t been working, here’s what we should do to fix it. But I never got that from him. He had the opportunity to do that and he didn’t take it. I don’t think it’s necessarily a fault of his and I’m not going to wallow in my not being wanted enough. While there may be some truth there, I see it as a combination of both our own limitations with intimacy and relationships, and both of own unique need for growth. He has his own to deal with too and in one of our last conversations he made a comment that seeing me process so much of my own baggage and my own growth was inspiring him to work on this stuff. On my part there’s no judgment here wherever he was in his development, we all have our shadows and not everyone has taken the steps necessary to love these parts of ourselves. We can only love as deeply as the work we have done on self - And there was so much holding back. With the relationship that never really reached its full potential, I certainly see mistakes that I made from my own limitations and don’t wish to make again that will ultimately make me a better person and high value partner.


    Anyways, I am now in the no contact period. I miss him, so the story goes. It’s only been three days. We left it intentionally without any promises for the future to reconnect. We live in the same neighborhood it’s likely we will run into one another. And he did say that he felt one day down the line he would reach out to me. So long as I am emotionally moved on, I welcome that with no expectations.


    But I was wondering if anyone has ever had a break up experience like this? Has anyone ever had a relationship end where the intimacy grows right in the throes of the break up? What happened down the line?

  8. So whats really going on here, why do you say you dont have a history of dating?

    Why havent you in the past?


    The million dollar question... without getting too much into it, I will say I’ve moved around a lot... about every year for 15 years across states and between countries. Some moves were circumstances, some were for school, some for career, some adventures with the economy crashing. I lived for many years abroad and even then moved around. I would say I was definitely pursuing a vision and my passions, I wasn’t prioritizing relationships and with each new location I knew it was more or less for a year. I traveled, learned languages, got my masters, collected hobbies. I was always focusing on what was next to come. About 5 years ago I was more or less planted and much more interested in relationships, but then life threw me a new one and I went from thriving to surviving. I was exhausted and all my energy went to getting myself into a position where I was thriving again. The move to NYC was really my first big break and the first time I have felt both feet are firmly on the ground and I am no longer living one foot out the door. Everything finally came together.


    So yeah, overall my life has been good and I’m ready to share it with someone special.

  9. Did you date when you were back home 2 years ago? Has the difficulty only been since your recent move? Are you dating people who are too different from your culture, religion, age, educational or socioeconomic background? It seems you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and wish to be understood in a the way a parent or therapist would.


    Perhaps you need to stick to people with more similar backgrounds so you feel more understood as far as your repeatedly mentioning "your values". . Also at 30 most men have dated quite a bit, so the naivety may be too difficult for them to deal with. If virginity is important to you before marriage, it's another reason to date within your own culture. The thing is, you are in fact 30 not 3 and men see this.


    So I only mentioned values once.... just saying.


    The guys I've dated have been cool with my relationship history... or lack thereof. I found if I am confident about it, they were accepting of it. It has taken a lot of courage on my part to just dive in and own it. Sure, it makes navigating the dating scene a bit more challenging and I feel this last year has been one intense masterclass, but I'm leveling up as I go. It hasn't been a problem to the guy sitting across from me because I don't make it one - and if a guy did have an issue with it, he's just not my guy.

  10. You can't get this unless you're willing to start screening OUT people who are incapable of giving it to you.


    Use dating apps to set up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. If someone stands you up, take you coffee with you, nothing is lost, and move on to meet the next person the next night. Spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with an agreement that neither of you will corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if the answer is no, then no response is necessary.


    This is a great tactic! I do like the first date to be drinks (coffee, wine, whatever - recently met someone over juice), nothing serious and meant to be drawn out. Did you use this in dating? Do you know of anyone it worked for?


    That first line is so true... you meet people where they are and I was barking up the wrong tree with the guy I was seeing last. I don't want to admit it was a waste of time... we had fun, we enjoyed each others company, but now I'm just done with it and ready to shake things up in meeting a ton of new people with clearer intentions on my part.


    Head high, take breaks when you need them, and recognize that every time you pass on the wrong person, you move yourself one step closer to finding the RIGHT person for you.


    Thank you for the encouragement! This is a great mantra.

  11. Thanks, reinventmyself! I am a toddler - I see it! My friends were surprised to learn I'd never been in a relationship, I seemed too "evolved" and yet there is this part of me that is lovingly niave and fumbling her way about as if still learning to walk. I'm cool with it.


    I do feel I am right where I need to be. And I feel that's why the guy I mentioned above and I stayed in this for so long. In so many ways, he was also a toddler and I think that gave us a degree of freedom and comfort with one another. I'm ready to graduate to the next level though and I do hope I find it...

  12. ... basically saying "I'm looking for a partner" and spending time with people who said "So am I." Most of those people, of course, didn't work out. They weren't into me, or I wasn't into them, or after a few week or so "So am I" turned out to mean "I'm processing a lot more right now than I realized and..." Snooze. Cool, process away! Best of luck! But not the limbo stick I was interested in navigating.


    Heh... I had this conversation with Mr. Febs early on. He asked me what I wanted and I said just that... partnership. And I won't get into all that unraveled from there, because ultimately we both stayed too long in something we both knew the other didn't want. Both of us were wishy-washy - me on my desire for a partnership, and him on his wavering sense of commitment. Truth is, I wanted to play things out and see what happened probably just as much as he did even while both of us knowing he wasn't the man for me and I was not his girl. I tend to focus on the silver lining in situations like this, but I don't want to dwell on it anymore. It happened and I'm ready to move forward. I do appreciate your candor and need to get better about walking away when it's clear things are not going to work. It'll help if I work on what Batya suggested and hold on to a clearer picture of what I'm looking for.


    I like how you write... btw. That petri dish line was great!


    My other suggestion is volunteer backstage at a community theater - several friends met romantic partners and great friends this way. I did not volunteer like that but I did volunteer weekly at a local homeless shelter for 7 years and met some lovely people including a few guys who wanted to date me (but I wasn't available at those times).


    I've been looking for something extra to get involved with and a volunteer opportunity I recently went for fell through. This is a great idea!

  13. Getting specific forces you to face truths about yourself that relying on those broader terms often cannot accomplish.


    Hi Batya, I really appreciate everything you've shared and will look at each section from your prior post. This last year has been about diving in and tearing off bandaids to whatever was holding me back before. I used to think NYC dictated the dating scene (really intimidating with its reputation!), then that evolved to letting guys define what we were and going with it, but now I feel much more empowered to be the one who calls the shots of what i do and don't want in my life. I feel that's why I am satisfied I didn't rush into a relationship, and am embracing that so far nothing has worked out. Now I want to use my singleness to really breakdown each of the sections you went over, define what I want, what my dealbreakers are, soundly walk away from those clearly not meant for me rather than stick it out and go with the flow. I am focusing on "fun" and "playfulness" as exercises to break away from ruminating and desecting myself to bits, to get out of my own way as you suggested - I didn't mean to make light of your advice. I still feel I am a ways off from getting where I'd like to be as far as mindset and defined intentions. One day at a time.



    So let's cut to to bones, shall we? You're 30something, a bit lonely at the moment, frustrated, it seems, by the casual encounters that blur into a kind of blur. Cool. That puts you in great company, a room full of millions of people of both genders, not a room of your own. Now, why are you struggling to connect with those millions in the same room?


    Rather than answer that question from an angle of psychoanalysis, maybe it can be answered in simpler terms. Do you find a certain pattern emerging? If so, what can be done to alter that pattern?


    You have great insight, too! Patterns, yes. So clear! I'm working with a therapist to break through them. And I loved what you shared about the millions in the room. I am a bit lonely now... I worked really hard at building a core group of friends in the city (I've been here for 2 years) and that has recently fragmented. And I was seeing a guy consistently since February, but I believe it's become clear to both of us that we are not combatible and he is pulling a slow fade. Which sucks and feels like crap, but all the same I'm just ready to move forward and with what we have been through together I'm happy he seems to be ready too. Not going to lie about it though, those two things happening at the same time has left a vacuum. It is frustrating to feel I am back in the same circumstances I was a year ago! And connections that were once strong (or at least growing) were just not meant to last. I've begun taking steps to reconnect to those millions of others out there, but it takes time. In the meantime, I am focusing on the things that bring out my smile.

  14. Given what your situation is as you described it I'd get a lot simpler and basic. I'd avoid the whole focus on "dynamics" and "align" and that kind of thing and force yourself to be simple about it. Sometimes I find people get in their own way by complicating basic stuff about how people interact and date and get serious sometimes.


    I know you’re right! My mom has been telling me for years to get out of my own head - i can be very analytical, it’s part of my personality. Part of my focus this year has been to have more fun, so your comments resonate.


    Thanks for your input!

  15. I still feel I am learning the ropes with relationship dynamics and dating, so I hesitate to approach it in the hopes of marriage. Though I do want to get married and have a family. At this stage, I would say long-term commitment. I’m seeking compatibility, looking for a man whose purpose I can align with, and someone who shares my values. All the while, dating openly with some degree of casualness while I figure out what I am looking for. I do have fun, I have cried a lot (processing internally and getting that thick skin!), I have no (well... maybe a few) regrets.

  16. I hear you, but I think you’re missing my point. Looking for a date to pull me along vs. a partnership where we both encourage each other are two very different places to be in. I feel as if one thing I said above has been mischaracterized and now we are on a tangent based on sub context that’s misconstrued.

  17. Thank you for your reply! I am sure context would have helped - I meant I am looking for someone who is supportive of the efforts I make to reach my full potential. I dated a guy where we shared that, which felt awesome. And I recently lost a close friend who seemed to do what she could to undermine my efforts and put me down in public for them. And the guy I’ve been seeing wants to avoid addressing any issues that may be a bit uncomfortable so of course he can’t connect with me on that level... My work continues regardless, but I’d love to be able to share the process and progress with someone I’m close to.

  18. Hey! New to the site and wanted to share a bit about myself and my recent experiences. I’m in my early to mid-30s and really only started dating in the last year. I dove right in, and have been able to maintain a positive attitude giving the guys I’ve dated a lot of grace perhaps out of my own desire for compassion. Honestly, they’ve all treated me less than great and I’ve stayed in “situationships” far too long, taking (excusing??) every phase as a much-needed learning lesson.


    After a year of dating, I am actually grateful I have yet to be in a relationship although I still want a relationship. I’m not one of those women with a long list of traits who is holding out for Mr. Right. I’m more interested in developing better communication skills and learning how to navigate relationships (romantic and otherwise) while seeking something that is in alignment with my values and standards. I desire someone who supports my self-growth and development, someone who treats me right, someone who is committed to building a healthy relationship.


    Anyways, that’s what brings me to this forum. Because dating is hard and I’m feeling discouraged. I’m hurting and wishing sometimes things played out differently... not necessarily resulting in a relationship, but simply handled with more respect and care. And I’m feeling a bit lonely in all of this... it hasn’t been easy discovering my patterns, pitfalls, and imperfections all while hoping you come across someone who celebrates you for you... when that’s something you’ve never even experienced!! All the while learning to let go... especially when you’re testing out vulnerability, learning to communicate boundaries, and having to constantly reset your practice of self care, self love, self worth, self acceptance... all the “selves”.


    Yeah, I could really use some encouragement! Relationships are not easy! And support isn’t always readily available. I know I am on the right track, but this is no cake walk!

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