She (26) broke up with me (32) out of the blue. We were in what I'd describe as a very, very happy, very secure and very fun relationship for 98% of the relationship - never really fought, arguments were benign and easily resolved. But she said she was unhappy and needed to break up with me as she was crying. I did the classic begging, pleading, crying... I pushed for more... she said she didnt feel anything for me anymore. I asked whether there was anyone else, she said no. I asked how long she felt this way... she said a couple of months. I asked her whether she saw us ever getting back together... she said never and apologized for having that shortcoming. I begged and pleaded some more - told her she was my best friend - before she said goodbye. She agreed to meet up a couple days later.
I had planned a whole speech filled with impregnable logic to try to get her to give us another chance. In the end, I simply accepted that it was over. I told her I didnt need any more explanation other than she said she was unhappy - as that's all I truly cared about. I said I regretted some of the ways I acted towards her but I dont regret any of the time we spent together - she immediately jumped in to say that she didnt either. It was amicable. She hugged me. Said goodbye using her pet name for me - and that was the last time we spoke/saw each other.
I've had a lot of time to reflect in the past month. Everyday, the story of our breakup becomes more full of detail. From my perspective, in the last few months before the BU, I was under a lot of stress and feeling a ton of anxiety about my and our future. Even though I had just graduated from a top flight business school, secured a high-paying job - I felt this immense pressure to play catch up to my peers. I stopped seeing her as a partner who I could build a future with materially. So I pushed her to realize my vision of a future without much effort to consult her on what she wanted. Among other things, I found myself becoming resentful of her in many ways - that she was a bit uncouth, that she wasn't stimulating me intellectually, that she maybe holding me back from my full potential. I may have even thought about breaking up with her on some nights - but I loved her too much. No doubt she sensed my detaching in some capacity - I was being less patient with her, being more snippy and just giving her the leftovers of my day, all the while asking for all of her.
Being dumped has a way of making someone you were uncertain about or maybe didn't even want any longer become the sole object of your desire. I am struggling immensely now with blaming myself entirely for the dissolution of the relationship, and thinking I'm not giving myself enough credit for things I was unsatisfied with. I've decided to go NC to figure out what I really want. Was my dissatisfaction warranted because I had outgrown the relationship, or was my desires simply shrouded by my insecurities and anxieties? Ultimately I recognized the relationship we had - as great as it was - was always doomed to fail. It takes two to tango. But for all my missteps, she never really indicated that she was unhappy and gave me a chance to change. She's always been super independent and made big emotional decisions unilaterally. I realize that for any real relationship to last through the next stages of real commitment, both parties need to desire and have the patience to resolve feelings of dissatisfaction.
I miss her dearly. She truly was my best friend. She is beautiful, and one of the funniest people I've ever known all at once. Being dumped sucks. NC sucks. And I feel like I've been feeling worse and worse.
I cling onto hope of reconciliation because I feel like our story isn't over. I feel directionally, the things I was pushing her/us to become were not truly things I wanted for myself, but things I wanted to project success - I recognize this is a huge insecurity and I have been actively working on it and for the sake of my love for her, would not accept reconciliation until I have overcome it. But I also understand that I may never get the chance to explain this to her - that she's made up her mind and truly never want me back - and this kills me.
Today, I simply put faith in the fact that the overwhelmingly positive experience of our relationship will push her to reconsider reconciliation. But I will not cling onto hope either.