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SixOfOne

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Posts posted by SixOfOne

  1. It’s been ten days now since I told my ex that I couldn’t/wouldn’t continue a relationship with her as her ‘friend’. I’m feeling a little better each day, and for the larger part of most days I somehow manage not to focus on how much I already miss her. But then along comes a day like this.

     

    From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, she’s been everywhere I look and in everything I hear. All I can think of is being with her and seeing her face, hearing her voice again. We never fought, we rarely argued, we shared so many common interests, and our time together was joyous and loving and fun. There was no cheating, no abuse, and our split was not bitter or hostile or blaming.

     

    I know that in previous posts I mentioned that I was needy and desperate and clingy, and I was. But that’s so out of character for me, and it only occurred during the last few months of our two+ years together, when I was confused to feel the distance beginning to grow between us, and she was too uncertain of her feelings to be able to state them clearly to either of us.

     

    So I can’t explain why this has happened, except to acknowledge that she simply fell out of love with me. It just happens sometimes, I know, and most often for reasons no one can explain. But it horrifies me, frankly, that something apparently so solid and stable and real can end up with little more substance than a dream.

     

    This isn’t my first rodeo, y’all, trust me. So I definitely have a firm grasp on the vagaries of love and relationships. Even so, if I believed in the concept of someone being ‘The One’, I’d have bet the house that it was her. Despite my prior life experiences, I’ve never known anything like this.

     

    Now I wonder how I’ll ever trust that feeling again, or even if that’ll ever be an option for me. I’d give everything I have to be with her again, though I don’t harbor any hopes for that happening, as much as I’d like to.

     

    So I don’t really have a question, not really looking for advice. I’m just very sad today, to understate the issue, and I suppose I’m just looking for a shoulder to cry on. I miss her so much, and I still love her with all my broken heart. But no matter; it’s just another day.

  2. I suspect you understand this by now, but just to be completely clear: any time a woman says she ‘needs space’, it means disappear from her life unless and until she contacts you, which very likely may be never. Despite your best intentions, she doesn’t want to know how you feel or what you think. At all, period. And if she had the slightest doubt about you and whether she may have made a mistake, you’re helping confirm her decision every time you text, call, show your face, connect through social media… anything. This applies to her and any woman you may ever know going forward. There are few things more attractive than self-confidence, and by not explicitly honoring her wishes you’re displaying your lack of it. Sorry this happened but be thankful for the time you had with her and move on. Best wishes to you.

  3. As for Cathy....I do question why she is interested in me when I really think she is out of my league.

     

    At the risk of hijacking the main theme of these posts, let me tell you from experience that when you're interested in a woman that turns heads and excites you and is interested in you, the only answer to the question of 'why' should be 'Because I'm worthy of this. She's lucky to have met me.' When you start thinking things like 'out of my league' and doubting your worthiness, that lack of confidence radiates off of you like a beacon. Every woman in the world can sense that, and not a single one of them would find that attractive. I'm not even talking specifically about Cathy, but rather any woman you encounter that affects you this way, if you hope to have any chance at all of her being with you and staying with you for any length of time. Work on that confidence and self-esteem, man. Just my 2¢ worth...

  4. That sounds amazing. For me, most definitely would be much less cinematic than Mt. Fuji. Texas is about the most exotic destination that's available to me at this time (although Key West is calling my name), but I catch your drift.

     

    And I find myself starting conversations with complete strangers almost every time I leave the house. Never anything romantic. Could be the bag boy at the grocery store, the old lady behind the deli counter, the clerk at the UPS store... I've never done this in my entire life. The words just spring out of my mouth. It surprises me and it feels good at the same time. Makes me smile, involuntarily. Must be part of that affirmation you mentioned.

  5. All great ideas. Right after she broke up with me in June I went to Texas for two weeks to spend some time with my daughter. I also stayed with two of my closest friends, guys I've known since third grade (one hundred years ago). These guys are closer to me than my actual brothers. All people that love me unconditionally. And I noticed during that trip how fun and easy it was to strike up conversations with total strangers, which is totally out of character for me, in the airports and the Ubers and the restaurants. The trip did me a world of good, and as soon as time and money allow I'll be inclined to seek out that random destination where I don't know a soul. Maybe a beach somewhere...?

  6. ...a guy who spent a lot of early life dodging humility with ninja-like gusto.

     

    Oh my god this made me laugh. 😆 And I know exactly what you mean about walking away with dignity as opposed to attempting to manipulate with grief. I have to give myself credit: at no time during the breakup did I beg and plead and cry and argue. I honored her desire to split and didn't bombard her with texts and emails and phone calls. I didn't see or hear anything from her for at least a month, at which time she suggested a get-together. It was then that she expressed the hope for us to remain friends, and it was then that I agreed. Big mistake, but during it all I feel it was the only overt mistake I made. But I've rectified that now, so it's history. On we go.

  7. Focus on healing, and make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for yourself. If there's a shot in hell of ex returning, THAT would be the most fertile ground for it. It's your percentage play: either ex will respect your recovery and be curious about you in the future, or you'll have legitimately healed and she will become less and less relevant over time.

     

    This is exactly my goal and my intention, and one I'm actively pursuing. The breakup has been a months-long process, and I've had lots of time to explore methods and activities to improve myself as a man and as a human being. Admittedly I began this project long ago with the hopes of it making a difference for her and us, but now it's all about evolving physically and mentally and spiritually for the sake of my own betterment. Step one, step one..

     

    And yes it's occurred to me that if the improbable opportunity arises to try again, I doubt I'll be interested in her anymore. By then my attraction level will be more on a par with hers as it stands today, which is to say zero. Thanks so much for your insights.

  8. Why was it a good idea? Well, it was your truth, best you could understand it, when you expressed it. And even at our most vulnerable, even when our truth is a thin, nearly hopeless hope, I think there is freedom—and ultimately strength—in expressing it.

     

    This is so close to home it brought tears to my eyes. Even in my darkest second-guessing, I couldn't truly regret leaving that door open. Because it came from my heart, and I said it while I had the chance to say it, and ultimately it's unlikely to matter anyway. Yes it was a long post, bc, and I appreciate you taking the time to write it, because yes it does resonate. Every word. Thank you.

  9. As I said in some previous posts, my ex wanted to be friends but it was too painful for me because I'm still in love and she's not. So as advised by some of the good people on this site, I broke that off with her but said she should get in touch if she ever considers reconciliation. That was four days ago and I still have much grieving to do, but every day is a bit better. My question is: why was it a good idea to leave the door open for her? Why is it a good idea to allow her to think I'm hers for the taking if/when things don't work out for her in the dating world? My gut tells me it's the right thing to do, my heart hopes to hear from her again someday, but my brain says I'm a real dumba$$.

  10. If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.

  11. If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.

  12. Please remember that her decision wasnt made lightly. People that make the decision to end a relationship have been considering and coming to terms with it long before they act on it.

     

    Dont let the tears confuse you because not matter what, it is a loss for her too. But not to be confused with wanting to reconcile.

     

    Oh I know that's right. I'd been feeling something was wrong for months. Her father had died right around the time I first felt things going sideways (March '19), and I attributed the new off-centered nature of things to her grief and depression, which very well may have been the case, as it turns out. In fact yesterday she confirmed that it was around the time of his death that she became depressed and preoccupied with thoughts about the brevity of live and whatnot, and also said yesterday that she had only recently felt the veil of grief lifting from her. Maybe that's why she's now ready to get into the dating world. Anyway, yes this had been in the works for a long time, and I know it was a very difficult thing for her to do, much as it was for me yesterday. Even so it came as quite a shock to me because as I said I saw it as related to the death rather than the relationship (which it partially was, of course) and believed it would improve with time. But grief will have its way.

     

    And no I didn't mis-read the tears. There have been no tears from her until yesterday when I told her I wouldn't see her anymore, but they were no different than the tears one might expect from someone who'd just lost their best friend. It was painfully clear, especially since there were also no verbal reassurances of hope or expectation. I immediately felt it was really over, and honestly I doubt she'll ever come back. She's never been one to change her mind about much of anything. Even so, stranger things have happened, so hope lives on.

  13. I would hope you will know when to throw in the towel. Probably when you start noticing attractive women again.

     

    I trust myself to know when, but I'm certain it'll be less than 25 years! 😄 Also, I always notice attractive women, and until the end of this relationship I was with the most attractive woman in the room. Any room.

     

    Thanks for your input, truly.

  14. Your daughter and friends are right. You don't delete her and remove the ability for her to contact you, you will sit and wait.

     

    Well it's like I told them - you may be right, but I don't think so. Anyway, I'll take my chances. She's worth it.

     

    But thanks for the warning. :)

  15. Thank you both. I admit that I expected to be doubting myself, but not before the end of the day! It just shatters me that even though she was terribly sad and unhappy that I broke off the 'friendship', she basically said 'OK' and walked out the door without a hint of doubt or hesitation, and without a trace of hope. This was never intended as an ultimatum, but I could never have anticipated the sensation of utter finality as she left. She's obviously so committed to the course she's chosen, even the thought of losing me forever didn't even make her blink. In fact, it left me wondering if I was the one who'd made the mistake by cutting her out of my life, even as just a 'friend'. My mind knows it wasn't a mistake at all, but god my heart is so completely broken, and it's not interested in reason or logic or sensibility or even self-respect. Having said all of that, no I won't be asking her if she's sure. I'm convinced of that already. Or at least my mind is, anyway.

    So now my daughter and my friends are all insistent that I eliminate her from my life completely, that I should delete her from my contacts, block her calls and texts and emails, deprive her of any means of reaching out to me. And they all love me and mean well and have my best interests at heart, I know. They all say that she's going to find the dating world to be a wasteland, that she's going to be lonely some night six weeks or four months from now or whenever, that she'll realize what a good thing we had and will eventually get in touch and want to see me again. They worry that when that happens it'll undo the healing that's taken place with me, that I'll be hurt again and have to start all over again. And I can't argue that they're completely wrong. But to eliminate all means of contact is not consistent with my telling her to let me know if she ever considers reconciliation. So they're all frustrated with me for telling them I'm not going to do that, and they're really not happy to hear me say that her reaching out to re-establish connection is exactly what I hope will happen. The possibility of being hurt again is the risk any of us takes for the sake of loving and being loved, so it's a risk I'll gladly face. I'll burn that bridge when and if I get to it.

    So how does one handle the fact that the one you love has decided they don't love you, that they're also willing to face risks, the ones that include losing you forever in their quest for someone else? And if some day this loved one discovers that they made a mistake and wants you back, how do you justify their wanting to be with you by default, because it turns out there's actually no one better for them out there? And what if that never happens at all, they find someone and you never see them again? Again, the risks. In my case I see it as something she has to do for herself for whatever her reasons may be; because there were problems in our relationship that she needs to reconcile with time and space and the possibility of completely changing her life? because she's met someone else? because it's the only way she can see to begin again, whether with me or not? I can't know her reasons. All I know is that through all of this, she's done nothing to hurt me intentionally. She's been upfront with me through every step of this agonizing process, whether I liked it or not. So I find that I'm compelled to honor whatever it is she needs to do, and can only hope it leads her back to me some day. So my friends say I'm being blind and naive. Maybe so, but I find it impossible to stop loving her for choosing to follow her heart. But that's my mind talking again; my heart says shut up. So be it.

     

    “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

  16. So now I’m lying awake in the middle of the night, wondering if I’ve blown the only chance I may have had with her. Wondering why, after making it clear that I hoped for another chance for us someday, her only response was to say ‘I know you do.’ And wondering why I didn’t ask her directly if there was any reason for me to continue hoping, or not. Wondering if it’s too late to ask her that question and still maintain a shred of self-respect, wondering if she even knows the answer herself, and wondering which I fear the most: the truth of a simple yes or no, or the uncertainty of ‘I don’t know’.

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