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SixOfOne

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Posts posted by SixOfOne

  1. 46 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

    Rebound?

    Yes, that's what it would've been. So I told her I couldn't do it, she suggested the FWB thing, and I, having never done that before, said yes. No avoidance, no fear.

     

    50 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

    many times we create our own bad timing without even knowing it...

    I agree but that just wasn't the case here.

     

    51 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

    She protected herself and might have even hoped months ago that you would change your mind.  Special women come along rarely, treat the next one accordingly.

    I think I protected her too. And myself, for that matter. I easily could've dived into a relationship from the start instead of being open with her. Not good. I treated her as well as I knew how under the circumstances, but I get your point. Very true.

     

    54 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

     I am sure your story will have a happy ending

    Thank you so much. I believe that too. And hey, we had a fantastic year of fun and friendship, and that's not even getting into the 'benefits'. We laughed a lot (a lot) and had each other's backs, always. We were as happy as could be for as long as it lasted, and no matter the nature of the relationship, It would be difficult to hope for more than that. We split with no hard feelings, no resentment, no hostility, no regrets, and she'll always be one of my best friends no matter the circumstances. I trust her to do what she needs to do for herself to be healthy and happy, and I wish nothing less than what's best for her. And as for me, I'll be fine. I just happened to have missed that boat, but luckily I know how to swim. 🙂

     

    • Like 1
  2. 2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

    I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from her

    I wouldn't either. I know some folks think 'second choice' here, but I'd be happy to see her again just as a friend. So that really isn't relevant to me.

     

    2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

    Be true to yourself and don't fall back into a fwb situation again

    Oh no worries about that! This was the first and last time. Thank you!

  3. 2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

    When exactly did you realize these "feelings" for her?  When you first knew about some other guy sniffing around your girl? or well before you knew he existed? 

    We took a road trip together in mid-October. That's when I felt the shift in me. She told me about the other during the last week of November. I had no clue.

     

    2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

    Were you kidding yourself that you didn't want a real relationship with her or at all right now or were you afraid of what that might entail?

    Not sure I completely understand your question. I couldn't have the kind of relationship she wanted at first, but the passing of time changed that. No fear of any kind, just awful timing.

     

    2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

    suck it up that he offered something you weren't willing to give (at least initially) and learn this big lesson

    Oh I totally accept this. Lesson learned.

     

    2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

    Some of the biggest growths in my life have come from mistakes I have made not being honest with myself.  It is okay to feel down that you lost her just as long as you do not wallow in it.

    Agreed, except for the not being honest with myself part. No wallowing going on here. I posted originally because I respect the opinion of you guys, and was wondering if this is unusual. Apparently it is not.

    Thank you!

     

  4. 4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

    Not a problem to solve or a verdict on my life, but just a tough little juncture

    That's how I see this, too. I believe all will be well, one way or another. I'm really not committed to a specific outcome, just a bit untethered currently.

     

    4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

    it speaks highly of her sense of self that she wasn't interested in forcing anything or trying to excavate something from you that you said wasn't there.  

    Absolutely. She does not lack self-esteem, that's for sure.

     

    4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

    a dynamic that began with you rejecting the possibility of a relationship

    I rejected that possibility at the time because I knew it wouldn't be more than a rebound for me, and she deserves more than that.

     

    4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

    If you can find a way to start celebrating that as a fact

    I do celebrate having met her and experiencing this. I've learned a lot, such as 'no more FWB' for me.

    • Like 2
  5. 3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

     .. if someone gets attached when you KNOW you can't take it- don't use them.

    Funny, because this is what I told her shortly after we met, that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship like she wanted. So she suggested the FWB thing with that understanding. Lately I've dated casually and infrequently; not trying to jump into another relationship, not misleading anyone, not using anyone. So yes, I do agree with you, thanks. 

    • Like 1
  6. 1 minute ago, abitbroken said:

    And what kind of scruples does she have if she likes stringing someone along "until she finds someone better?"

    Thank you, but I don't think you're understanding my original post. ✌️

  7. 2 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

    If you really wanted her, you would say "i have feelings for you, but i know you don't have the same for me. I can't be FWB anymore.

    That's exactly what I said as soon as she told me about the other guy. So now we're keeping our distance, and I'm moving towards the moving on. Very difficult, though. I miss her friendship more than the benefits, honestly. Her personality can't be replaced. 

  8. My FWB and I agreed to stay together until and unless either of us met someone else. That was clearly understood. We were genuine friends and enjoyed each other’s company in every way. But after several months I found myself in love with her at just about the same time she informed me that she'd met someone else. I told her how I felt and she said she wanted to explore this other guy and see how she felt about him. Said she didn’t want to lose me, that she needed some time to figure out what she wants, but that she also didn’t expect me to wait for her. She’s been completely honest and up front the whole time, so it’s not as if she’s cheated or lied or betrayed me. She was only playing by our agreed-to rules. I’m the one that broke the rules by getting emotionally involved. So it’s a dilemma. I miss her terribly and yet I don’t feel comfortable with contacting her in any way in order to honor her request for time, and she hasn’t contacted me either. And I’ve been dating just a bit but my heart really isn’t in it. So for two months I’ve drifted in this limbo of not knowing how she is or where her head is at, not knowing what to do or how to handle this situation. I can’t ‘break up’ with her, because there was never a commitment to exclusivity, so there’s nothing to break. I can’t tell her I won’t keep waiting, because she’s already made it clear that she doesn’t expect me to. I can’t (won’t) contact her because.. what would I say? “Hey, just checking to see if you’ve decided anything yet.” Umm.. no. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m asking, exactly, but I’m just kinda spinning around here. Never have I ever been in such an awkward situation, have you?

  9. Mariane, you’re on the right track regarding your understanding of your situation. I experienced a relationship with a person that shares a similar, if not identical, psychological disorder as your ex. It doesn’t matter whether he’s labeled a narcissist or not. He treated you very poorly in the same way a narcissist would, and that’s close enough.

     

    But I would suggest that you also have a personality disorder, one that perfectly dovetailed with his. Call it codependency if you like, but it’s basically a lack of love for yourself. It originates in the very early stages of childhood development as the result of lack of attention from a caregiver, emotional abuse, and neglect, to name a few. We develop an overwhelming fear of abandonment, so we learn to gain attention by being ‘good’, not rocking the boat, not causing trouble. We begin to feel that it’s the only way people will ever love and accept us, and we carry it straight into our adulthood. (I would bet you’re a people-pleaser, right?) We become easy prey for people like your ex, because (at first) they shower us with attention, admiration, validation, and ‘love’. And although they do these things for their own benefit, they become like a drug we need to survive. Then one day they become bored with us, and it’s over. No closure, no discussion, and certainly no apology or explanation.

     

    Trauma bonding is very real, and it’s extremely difficult to get past. It’s what you’re left with during your ‘withdrawal’ from your favorite ‘drug’. Whatever you do, please understand that the breakup wasn’t because of you. You were there, yes. You made mistakes and behaved badly, yes. But the relationship was doomed from day one, no matter what you did or didn’t do, as difficult as that may be to swallow. It had absolutely nothing to do with you being ‘not enough’ for him. All along, you were so much more than he deserved.

     

    It’s crucial that you have absolutely no contact of any kind with this person. No calls, no text, no social media. Block him in every way you can think of, and definitely don’t respond or react to anything he says or does. Don’t even talk to mutual friends about him. He’s not your favorite drug any more. He’s poison, and he knows it.

     

    The good news is that you can change yourself for the better, so that this kind of thing will never happen again. It’s not easy and it takes time and hard work, but you can do that. He can’t and never will, because he doesn’t see a problem with himself.

     

    Let me encourage you to continue your therapy. Learn to love yourself. Give yourself all that you were hoping to receive from him. Regain your self-esteem and never give it away to someone who doesn’t deserve you. You can do so much better. Seek out people that recognize your worth. But more importantly, learn to recognize your own worth, and don’t accept mistreatment from anyone that doesn’t. Ever. In my opinion, these are the baby steps toward becoming ‘unstuck’. But don’t trust my 2 cents worth; ask your therapist.

     

    I wish you all the best. Hang in there. You’ve got this.

    • Like 1
  10. Are you familiar with attachment styles? I’m thinking, in your case (and mine), specifically of avoidant-dismissive and anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and how they interact in romantic relationships. If you’re not familiar with the topic, I encourage you do some online research and bring yourself up to speed. You’ll be glad you did. There’s a bazillion online sources on attachment styles, including YouTube videos, some better than others. Here’s a place to start, if you like:

    http://jebkinnison.com/2014/08/04/anxious-preoccupied-stuck-on-the-dismissive/

     

    You might also consider studying narcissism and codependency. (Ditto the bazillion online sources). I think you’ll see a lot of yourself and your ex in those subjects.

     

    Learn all you can about all of these topics (while you’re young) and it can make a phenomenal difference in your ability to know and love yourself, and the impact that will have on your next relationship(s).

     

    In the meantime, pay close attention to the advice of your fellow enotaloners. They know what they’re talking about, so please consider listening to them. These wise words from catfeeder are the truest I’ve read/heard in a very long time:

     

    “Nobody can fault you for loving who you love, but some people are best loved from far, far away.”

     

    Best wishes for you and your future. Hang in there.

  11. Day 84

     

    OK, I'm finally accepting that it's over. No more grief, no more anger, no more denial. I'm learning to truly love myself and to understand on a gut level that I deserve to be happy without compromise, without giving myself away for nothing in return. Not looking forward to these upcoming holidays, the first since the breakup, but this too shall pass. Hang in there, y'all. It really does get better.

  12. Fighting the urge to break NC. To recap, my gf broke up with me in June but wanted to remain friends. I said no but that only lasted a week, maybe. So we saw each other occasionally on a friendly basis for the next two months, but it was torture being with her as a ‘friend’. So then one day she told me she was going to begin dating, and that seemed like the time to tell her I can’t see her anymore. So I did.

     

    That was four and a half weeks ago, which I realize is less than a blink. Even so, I miss her so much I can hardly stand it.

     

    My thinking was that she broke up with me, so if anyone breaks NC it should be her. But she’s a real stickler for boundaries. Takes that very seriously. And I know her. She remembers that I said that it hurt me to see her and I can’t be her friend. She’s going to honor that boundary of mine forever, no matter what, unless and until I say otherwise. That’s just how she is.

     

    So basically, she’s never (ever) going to contact me under these conditions I’ve set. And since I’m technically the one that initiated the most recent breaking of our friendship, maybe it’s actually up to me to be the one to reach out first.

     

    That’s how I rationalize things anyway. I actually know that this line of thinking is only a lame excuse to try to ease my desire to be part of her life again. I know that contacting her won’t accomplish a thing except maybe to earn a spot in the friend zone again. Been there, done that. So… nope. But holy sh*t I miss her.

     

    So as I said, someone please talk me down.

  13. I’m sorry you’re faced with what’s ultimately going to be a very rough road for you. I know this because I was in a very similar ‘situationship’ until recently.

     

    We were together for two and a half years. We had so many things in common and loved spending time together. We had fun, we laughed a lot, we enjoyed one another’s company immensely. She introduced me to her family and her friends, and they all loved me and welcomed me and I felt like one of them. Our sex life was beyond anything I could have ever expected or hoped for, and she felt the same. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with, and it excited me just to see her walk into a room. I was so much in love, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. But…

     

    The depth of our connection and communication and intimacy ended at the bedroom door. Outside of that we were really good friends that had adventures together, period. I often tried to share my hopes and dreams for our future together and I was met with one and two word answers and a change of subject. We had no future plans, shared no common goal. We just drifted on a sea of oxytocin without a rudder. Eventually our dilemma became clear to me: I wanted more from her than she was willing and/or able to give, and she wanted less from me that I needed to give. I tried to express this to her once and she told me she thought I’d be happier with someone else. And you know what? She was right. I will be.

     

    Tough to walk away from all that was so good, but when you have two people that have such strongly opposing wants and needs, that’s called ‘incompatibility’. There’s no cure for that. As has been pointed out already, if you want a person to be different, you want a different person. The end. So we broke up about three months ago and the days are slowly getting better.

     

    Please don’t invest too much more of your life in someone who isn’t right for you, for both of your sakes. You’re just delaying the inevitable. Trust me. I wish you all the best.

    • Like 2
  14. She takes a while to respond to my texts or if she does, it’s just a word or two response...

    ...I feel like she doesn’t respect me anymore and it’s making me insecure about myself and questioning if I’m making things worse.

     

    After she dumps you for being so needy you'll wish you were getting any response from her at all, ever, to texts or anything else. You should pay more attention to your own self-respect and her respect will follow. She can't make you feel insecure about yourself; only you can do that. Back up and take a good look at yourself if you want to continue to have this person in your life.

  15. You deserve so much better than this. You’re not being silly to break up with this guy. Break it off with him completely and don’t ever doubt yourself, don’t ever look back. You don’t have to settle for anyone that treats you this way. There are many more good times ahead of you with someone else that cherishes you and appreciates your value in their lives. Best wishes for you.

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