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  1. asalways

    Red flags

    Man, what you're experiencing has been rinsed and repeated so much that it's listed in the dictionary under "beating a dead horse". Don't worry, I was young and naive once too. You're doing the right thing for questioning all this. 99.999% she is done with you, she just don't have the decency to tell you; and it's so much more fun to mess with your head and keep you hanging on then just tell you outright. She's spending time with her friends, but she can't find 5 minutes to communicate with you beyond a few words over text. That seals the deal, anything else is just making meatballs. Do the right thing, drop her and move on as quickly as possible. She already dropped you, you just didn't get the proverbial memo yet.
  2. Must be a local thing, for a relationship to even start in this situation, because in the Northeast US region, a guy living with his parents is a big red flag, and interacting with his parents on a daily basis, is an almost guaranteed let's just be friends. And no one cares about the details, it's the finish that counts. Disregard the 4 years thing, none of that matters, people come and go without skipping a beat. If you are going to go start dating anew, either move to an area where you can afford to live by yourself, or do something, because I'm telling you, no one cares about the why, it's whether you live alone or not.
  3. I can sense a lot of engulfment and urgency in your writing, and I learned a long time ago, don't play with your mind. The mind is one fragile and delicate thing, and while others may joke and he-he, ha-ha about obsessions and thoughts, they won't be laughing if they're sitting in front of a $400 / hour psychiatrist. So, if I were you, I'd resolve this quickly, and go one way, or the other. Letting this linger is the absolute, worst possible thing you can do. Whatever happens, don't let this hurt your work, since you mention work, because then the situation can just spiral out of control. You did the right thing by putting this out here. One group of people will tell you that a year or two is nothing, another group will tell you that it's something, so that's a debatable topic. I'm all for quality over quantity, so I wouldn't put a timed meter on this. I also know that arguing over insignificant things is some people's way of ending a relationship. They don't have enough courage to be blunt and direct, so they pick on minuscule things and make a whole situation out of it, with the hope that the other person goes away quietly. You did the right thing by confronting him, that's a great first step. If he didn't make a move in a week, either he is playing, testing, or done with it. You made the first move, he acknowledged it, and he let a week go by with nothing. To me, it sounds like he is done, so unless you are willing to succumb to the games and the waiting and the dragging, I think it's best to let it be and move on. If you make the move, then you're the initiator, then you show weakness, then he's got the upper hand, and you'll need to walk on egg-shells around him paying attention to his every eye roll, grunt, and heavy breath. Life is too short for that. Best of luck and take care of yourself first!
  4. In my neck of the woods, living with parents yields an automatic rejection 99% of the time. This used to get on my nerves and I would counter that with "My parents live with me", because I paid the full ride for the whole household. Actually, interacting with parents was and is still frowned upon in my community; but it's all good when these geniuses get fired and have 1000 dollars to their name and then come quietly crawling back to their parents' house. I live alone now, my own house, my own everything, but I won't lie, being looked upon as a victim degenerate for living in the same house as my parents, didn't go unnoticed. Anyway, small aside. 2 hours could be a lot, could be a little. The probability of success is inversely proportional with distance. As the distance grows, every time you want to me up, it becomes a whole event. There can be 10 things which can come up which will destroy your plans. If you're close by to each other, those reasons and excuses don't hold a lot of weight. This is why I personally will not spend more than 45 minutes each way. I can understand if you live in some rural community where the closest neighbor is 10 miles away; otherwise, I don't see the reason, a lot of investment which can be rendered useless very quickly. Relationships are difficult enough without the extra logistics of travel and all that goes along with it.
  5. Man, ghost her and keep it moving. If she gets smart, tell her that you'll take night classes in high order mathematics if you want to get tested.
  6. What did the OP say that would elicit such a response? Really, enlighten me, a guy mentions nothing about anything sexual and then your question comes out of the blue.
  7. Focus on surroundings, like tell her look at that guy dancing, that's so cool, look at her shoes, they're shiny, look at that painting, it has so many colors, etc. Whatever happens, do not under any circumstances talk about anything 9th grade level and up. If you do, you will be "too serious", "too intense", and you won't generate "any spark." Since I don't drink alcohol, I can't kill a bunch of brain cells in prep of doing all this, so what I do, is I just concentrate on something else so only a part of my brain is engaged. Small tangent, why do you think that these days, grown men watch Disney cartoons like Hulk and Spiderman and call them movies? Because today, people don't want to think too hard, they want to take it easy, and that's how you should approach the club/bar situation. Take 30% off your IQ and you'll be all set.
  8. After a lot of experience with this, this one is easy as day for me. Texting is for when you want to buy a used washer and dryer on Craigslist and you don't want to spend 30 minutes chit-chatting with the dude, you just need a price, yes, no, bye. Texting carries with it a power game - who texted who first, how long are the texts, how long did it take to answer, etc. etc. I'm meeting multiple people right now, I don't call it dating anymore, and the only texts I send are of the form can I call you at x oclock. I do that because a straight up phone call out of the blue with 10 people around her is not cool. I also text about I'm here in the parking lot, I'm sitting beside the window at the coffee shop, etc. Other than that, I call. If someone is too busy to answer a planned phone call or do FaceTime or Skype, then I'm very sorry, we can compare our 1040's/W-2's and see whose time is more valuable! What does it mean in your context? It means the guy is afraid of confrontation and would rather play texts to try to smooth things out. There was a situation where I chose text over voice, but that went nowhere, and I only did it because I knew she preferred text over voice. But I'd never do that today. You need to hear a person's voice, their grunts, their sighs, their breathing, etc, otherwise, you start playing mindreader and that will go nowhere.
  9. Agreed, a change of scenery is definitely in the works in terms of my social circle. Thanks!
  10. Sad to say, those were the exact words, that's why they stuck to me so hard. You guys bring up great points about expanding my social circle. I think that's the whole problem, I've been circling around the same tired people. Exactly, why did they give me all these comments without actually doing something that will help me by giving me actual contacts, is a great question. Honestly, I never thought about the fact that the people they'd recommend, could be coming from the same mindset. So why I even kept pushing the subject with these people, that's on me, I should not have. One thing you guys brought up was, to meet new people, outside of my circle, and not limit myself. I think that is extremely valuable advice. I'll search for some Meetup events and start going over there, and other interests groups. Thanks, this is great advice.
  11. Agreed, I could pick someone apart inside and out if I wanted to, I never have. That's generally good advice, to never give advice on such matters as body image and such unless asked for it.
  12. You raise good points, the reason why I am so sensitive to other opinions is there is the mantra of "we like you for who you are, just be yourself" which then turns into "but you should do this, that and the other". That's a good coin metaphor, 2 sides to the story. It's not just the hair thing, I've had this happen to me for a very long time. Even at 25, I've had women tell me how nice my arms and calves are, but that stomach, what a disgrace. So I took care of that, and then came the gold and jewelry I like to wear, yuck, that's so gross and conceited. And now the hair lol, so yeah, it's a sequence of events, if it were just the hair, it would be the first strike, perhaps I wouldn't react so strongly towards it. I don't feel women have it in for me, and I don't take it as personal attacks, but when I ask around in my social circle about if someone they know is single, and they reply with how I should change, that's not cool. How the dating profile fits in, is I was wondering how the fuller hair would be interpreted. In response to Hollyj, why I created the thread, was because I was curious about the jealousy perspective versus the style perspective. Of course I have no intention of changing, I've been changing to conform to others all my life, everyone's got their stopping point. So ok, the consensus is the chance of jealousy is very low, and it is indeed a matter of style. I accept both. Thanks!
  13. Classic beta nice-guy mistake, don't worry, I've been there too. First mistake - giving gifts and paying for the restaurant before establishing the relationship. Despite popular opinion, this is not being a gentleman, this is being needy, desperate and pathetic. Your no-contact move, good choice, you're getting warmer. But don't post the pictures and updates for the sake of her checking in on you, remember - we live in a disposable society; people throw each other way all the time, people don't know what they want, today it's this, tomorrow it's that, the next day they are sorry. Life is too short, meet up new women and stop wasting your energy. Just be at peace with the fact that she will have to remember that she lost a good guy, and good luck to her in finding someone else like you. Sorry, tough words, but it's about time that men step up and stop being the victim, because it's open season on the nice guys and we can't let this slide any longer.
  14. Thanks for all the replies. It's full bodied, thick, and well brushed. No pony tail or anything like that, but if I were to put a label on it, sure, it's more of an 70's look than it is from today. I looked up famous people who have my hairstyle, and Adam Brody is a good match, to give you reference. Who do I hear this from? Women who are in my social circle where in the majority their husbands and significant others fall into the bald / thinning hair category. Perhaps my circle is so small that I don't have enough of a sample size to make a clear judgement call. Their comments roll in when the topic of relationships come up and they find out that I am single, so they start with their checklists which I don't even ask for. I only ask around if they know anyone single who matches my criteria, but it usually doesn't get to that, it's stops at what they think I should change about myself. I just have difficulty conforming to the latest and greatest norms, because all it takes is some famous Instagram celebrity to make a new trend and here we go, what was terrible yesterday is the greatest today. I'll be bald some day, so while I have it, I'll enjoy it. I'm definitely keeping my hair style. This whole thing seems small, but for me, it's empowering. If everyone starts following the latest and greatest, everyone will eventually look the same. Regarding the jealousy thing, I can't read their minds, I don't know, I guess it could go either way.
  15. Hello! Interesting question about hairstyle. Compared to the people I know and see around me and my social networks, at 38 years, my full head of hair is beyond what the other guys I know can even hope for. They're balding, half-balding, thin-haired, etc. Yet, I've heard comments that I should cut my hair shorter. Is this just another example of people being jealous of me or is having a nice full head of hair not cool anymore? I'm proud of my hair, I'm not going to change that for anyone, but I'm curious - is the current style of short hair cuts a result of actual style or is it because men at this age are balding and they must have a short hair style otherwise they don't look good? Thanks!
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