Jump to content

drivenfuture

Members
  • Posts

    42
  • Joined

Posts posted by drivenfuture

  1. However keep in mind that just because someone is preaching a certain faith and things like "love thy neighbour", doesn't actually mean they are obliged to be friends with you. Friendship is actually a choice and we should be friends with who we genuinely want. If we pressure ourselves to be friends out of obligation or pity, that's not right either.

     

    It's very obvious that this pastor and his children don't actually want to be friends with you on a personal level. I know it hurts but they don't actually have to. Maybe you just weren't getting the hint that they're not interested. I mean you had signs of that, even from comments where the brother said that you are "barely tolerable". That was actually your cue to leave them alone and stop trying to be friends. At that point you should have stopped commenting on their social media and otherwise engaging with them. If you didn't stop then that was probably seen by the family as you being pushy and creepy. Again, I don't actually know the situation.

     

    However what I think the pastor has no right to do is to pressure you to leave the church and get involved in your mental health stuff. You should have still been allowed to go to your church unless you did something actually wrong. Obviously the pastor's kids were not that fond of you, so he wanted you to move on. That is pushing his own personal agenda and not being true to his role in the church. People should be allowed to go there, whether he and his family personally like them or not. However you also need to respect that if people don't want to be friends, no actually means "no" and you need to back off.

     

     

    I think there were a few things missed from a few of the posts reading through--so this is meant to be a clarification for a few of the last posts.

    I do believe that I may have been "overbearing" in the sense of being annoying; though at the time it was happening I was not aware.

    Although the pastor's children and I were very close in age, I was slightly older and leading the youth group (the youth pastor convinced me to be a helper and then shortly after I joined, he quit). So, I knew the pastor's children from 15-18, 16-19, and 18-21 where I was 20-23. The cutoff came before I ever displayed any mental illness; the paranoia had to do with 2 things--because I knew them as minors, I came across an article about emotional abuse with minors and how it could be illegal, and convinced myself that was the issue; so when I went to the police I said I might have done something illegal but wasn't sure (I don't think that now, but at the time I was obsessed with trying to figure out what I did wrong)--that is when they contacted the pastor. The hospital said they actually were required to share my mental health information with the family due to them being minors when we were in contact.

    I don't believe any hints were dropped--the barely tolerable comment wasn't a "hint"--that was the breakup, at least how I saw it--they just went from one day friends to next day complete cutoff and insult--I, for the most part, ceased contact at that point. The only exceptions were at the advice of the assistant pastor, and several months later when I learned I was moving and figured there was nothing to lose, contacting only the pastor in both cases---whom met me with more and more mixed signals.

    The mental episode was my one and only episode (well technically, I would become depressed for the next few months, but all in all this episode was my only episode ever).

  2. I think you're way too fixated on the pastor and his family. In your mind, you need to really back off and stop allowing them to preoccupy your every thought day and night. Stop obsessing over them because they're not worth it.

     

    If you're moving faraway, find another church.

     

    Be careful with friends and relationships including at church. Tread lightly and don't be overbearing in person and with online correspondence, social media and the like. People don't like it when you get too involved with them and don't take the initiative to establish your own boundaries with them. Exercise discretion. Be kind but don't get too chummy nor close because too much familiarity breeds contempt. Also, don't become high maintenance otherwise you'll be perceived as high drama, creepy and mentally unstable which scares people away. :eek: If you want to be perceived as calm, stable and normal, then act like it.

     

    I've learned that whenever I'm disrespected, I let people go even if it means we exit each other's lives. It wasn't meant to be. Either people are compatible or they're not. Either people are interested in you and cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships with you or they don't wish to put forth the effort to continue contact with you.

     

    Don't psychoanalyze anything to death otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Let it go. Learn to forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on, don't hold grudges and start anew in your own life. Stop living in the past. Keep moving forward.

     

    Also, change your ways. Be more discreet and don't get too involved with people otherwise they'll think you're weird and will cut you off.

     

    to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.

    Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.

    Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.

    Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.

    But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.

    And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.

  3. Here is the message spaced out (hopefully; I'm not good with these things).

     

     

    This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.

    I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health.

     

     

    After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all).

     

     

    I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger.

     

     

     

    Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; and this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

  4. This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.

    I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health. After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all). I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger. Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; adn this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

  5. I had a pretty huge falling out with this girl--she was the pastor's daughter. the thing is, I'm not really sure what to think. We had been friends for 5 years or so and never had any issues that I was aware of. Then one day randomly she ignored me and her brother approached me and said I was barely tolerable. I should mention there were more events after this but I'm having a very hard time piecing together everything that happened, but will discuss what I do know.

    So, for those who don't know, the phrase "barely tolerable" I knew to be a direct reference to one of her favorite books, Pride & Prejudice--in particular the scene where Elizabeth Bennett overhears him say it to Bingley, and then when Darcy mentions dancing as an act of affection, Bennett replies, "only if one's partner is barely tolerable."

     

    All I know is the girl ignored me and her brother said the words...she never gave me a reason and blocked me on Facebook. At first glance I assumed this meant she was annoyed by me...but without her telling me it was very hard to know for sure. Some time later I wondered if the father had a part in all this, perhaps not approving of us being close with each other (close only in the sense of friends), and decided to end it.

    Sometimes I wonder if she had a crush on me and I never realized it...there are plenty of occurrences that could have suggested this...but again...I will never know.

    Sometimes I wonder if her dad said no more and she said barely tolerable to get me to know the reference to Pride & Prejudice? This whole ordeal has confused me so much, and the only person who really knows the truth is her, and she has not spoken to me at all since the incident.

  6. No offense but that is not at all a mature and healthy way to handle issues in relationships or life. OP should not tolerate that.

     

    Also, the way you worded the second bit I highlighted does not make it clear which side of emotional cheating you draw the line. Emotional cheating is not as bad as physical cheating, but it should still be unacceptable to any woman who respects herself.

     

    Finally I think the trust bit is irrelevant at this bit. Even if by some bizarre set of circumstances, he is not cheating, he is treating the OP with zero respect and consideration. She deserves better.

     

    OP, end this and move on, and seek therapy to figure out why you tolerate being treated this way for 5 years.

     

    I didn't say it was healthy...I'm just saying it may not be as bad as everyone is making it seem.

  7. Let's be fair here...while it doesn't look promising, I know myself and I can honestly say that the way I deal with conflict can be avoidance. There are many times I dealt with issues by locking myself away in my room playing video games for hours--or going to the gym, or the library...because either I was feeling smothered or there was an issue I was avoiding.

    HOWEVER, I can attest that the secretive passwords probably is something you won't like--could be pornography...could be having "emotional affairs" with women...he could be talking with them without ever having visited them---for me this is where I draw the line and go no further.

    Is it possible he's cheating? Very possible. But you gotta talk to him and just be honest and tell him, straight to the point exactly your feelings. No mixed messages, no him trying to guess...just shoot straight....otherwise it WILL continue.

    And until you have solid conclusive evidence I would do my best to trust him until proven guilty.

  8. Read up on "situational ED", this is when there is no chronic physiological issue, just anxiety or other issues such as tiredness, drinking, etc. Try to relax and get the appropriate setting such as privacy, not too late, limit drinking, a partner that isn't this iffy. Although if you smoke, do drugs or drink heavily, have undiagnosed diabetes or cardiovascular disease things can start affecting you more often as early as 35 y/o.

     

    The only ones here that potentially apply is the experience factor...and possibly undiagnosed diabetes...I'm not sure about the anxiety, maybe she had anxiety but I thought I was fine.

  9. Kinda personal questions but:

     

    - How old are you?

    - Do you watch porn regularly?

    - Was your ‘first time’ not a nice experience and does this girl remind you of that time in any way?

    - Are you fresh out of a relationship and still grieving over an ex?

     

    Carus*

     

    35

    My first time was fine...I don't really have any emotions attached to that really...though that girl pursued me very heavily.

    I'm not grieving over an ex per se...but I am still battling with emotions to a family of friends I lost some time ago...a pastoral family...but in particular it heavily involved one of the girls of that family...we were just friends but I had a hard time with the friend breakup.

    The current girl doesn't remind me of anyone from my past...like at all.

    Yes I watch porn pretty regularly.

  10. I wouldn't quite say it's necessary yet...I can masturbate perfectly fine---and with the first girl it worked the next time we tried...it could just be that I haven't done it in so long maybe little Timmy is regaining traction...idk.

  11. I almost went all the way with this cute Vietnamese girl...did pretty much everything up until the end...and lost my erection at some point and couldn't get it hard again.

    Very frustrating...this would have been the first time in 10 years. The same thing happened my first time too (as in the girl I lost my virginity too). idk what the problem is :-/ But needless to say I'm very frustrated.

    She's super sweet I feel like a tool now.

  12. lol...actually...we kissed before she said that lol. so hence thats why I thought she was talking about labeling as boyfriend and girlfriend...but perhaps she just wants to know I'm serious.

    But then again, this is also after I drove an hour to see her, brought her to a park, and according to her, was the 1st man to meet her parents.

    soooo.....I'm not sure why she wouldn't think I was serious.

  13. I agree with the above answer. I am confused why you are associating a label on the relationship as an immediate equivalent to having to say "I love you", though. Seems like a big jump to me.

     

    Along with admitting that you don't know what the two of you are, you could say something along the lines of, "I really like you and want to keep seeing you". A simple "I don't know" with no encouragement to keep exploring may end your budding involvement.

     

    2 separate things...as I said she said yes to the bf/gf thing but that wasn't what she was looking for in her question...so now I'm trying to figure out what she wants to hear, and thats why the I love you thing came up...but they are not the same thing. I just can't figure out what she's looking for, and if thats what she wants to hear...I'm not ready for that.

    Much like you stated, I had said I liked her and cared about her and that it's very early in the relationship...but none of this swayed her from texting me for a different answer later on.

  14. Pretty sure you answered wrong? You didn't answer at all. And honestly, that's ok. You were caught off guard and not on the same page as her. Entirely understandable.

     

    But if either of you feel she deserves an answer, tell her what you told us. You aren't ready to define something 5 dates in and that's perfectly ok.

     

    She may feel differently, but that may be the very thing that sets you two apart.

     

    Or. . she may agree to slow her roll and let things unfold at a later time.

     

    But answer her question. `I don't know yet' - is an answer.

     

    My answer was asking if she was talking about labeling us as boyfriend and girlfriend if thats what she was talking about, and she said yes...so I thought that was it...but I found out later that wasn't what she was looking for.

  15. she asked me this while at a nice park.

    I thought she was referring to our labeling the relationship, as it's very early in the relationship (5 dates)...so I asked if that was what she was talking about...she laughed and didn't answer...

    She texted me later in the night telling me to think about it, saying I hadn't answered...I mean I'm not ready to say I love you yet...we only just started dating.

  16. So today she texts me, what am I doing. I flirt a little bit over text, say some joke or something, and mentioned I made homemade guacamole, and then got mad at me for not inviting her over to test it with me? ? I just invited her over before and she rejected it and she wont kiss on the 4th date but now is mad I didnt invite her, AGAIN, to my place even though shes already told me no.

  17. Been on 4 dates with a religious girl...and it's all out of whack.

    1st date had my arm around her...but no kiss.

    2nd date went awkward because essentially I broke my foot and couldn't walk.

    3rd date literally nothing happened, I walked her to her door but just got the hug.

    4th date was weird. I had my arm around her...she was stroking my chest, night came to a close...I went for a kiss...she said give her more time to get to know me.

    Super frustrating...I respected it and said it's totally fine...but for me it really isn't fine. she texts me every day so I know she's interested.

    What the heck do I do here? Or is she not as interested as I think?

×
×
  • Create New...