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Drychemical9

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  1. Thank you so much again - all of you - for your advice and input. What you all wrote has really resonated with me and has allowed me to see it in a new light - and with my current journey toward positivity, it really did hit home. Thanks again, I really do appreciate it :)
  2. Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it. Firstly, I'm not "dumping" my guilt on my son, I think that's a very harsh way to put it, even though I said Ive apologised to him for not being there. I think it's a natural reaction considering the ups and downs over the past couple of years. Through the counselling Ive had since moving here, I realised I actually need to apologise to myself and I needed to leave the situation I was in to begin to heal. Counselling brought a lot of realities into existence and yes, Ive not had a great realtionship with my mother and that's a big part of my healing process. I 100 percent agree that my problem has been with not setting boundaries to protect myself and my kids. Again, a realisation I was able to understand being away from the problem. My son isn't living with his father; their dad moved interstate when I separated from him and he only sees them on school holidays. My son is living with my cousin and her husband and while he's happy, and they're happy to have had him, I feel that he needs to have a parent around - he's coming into some important years in his life - and the last time we spoke he admitted that he wants me to come back. He's a very independent young man, he's sensible and mature for his age but hes still young. He sees that I've landed on my feet, he understands why I made the decision to leave and after having gone through what we have I feel it's time to have my family back in the one place! I won't be in the same place emotionally, I know this because the reason life got the way it did was my mental weakness, my usual giving into my mother and letting her move into my house - she never left! She took over my house, she refused to budge and I was too weak to fight her (a little more complicated than that, she has her own issues). She and my dad are now living on the other side of the city and I will not put myself in that situation again.
  3. I have talked with my son - last night in fact. I always apologise to him for not being there with him. It just about rips me into pieces when I think about it. There are no issues with any ex, the toxic situation was emotionally abusive and it was with my mother! When you say you can not go back - do you mean go back home? Or, is staying where I am going backwards.
  4. Hello all I'm not feeling very 'mother of the year' at the moment. Due to my very bad mental state at the end of last year, I made a drastic decision to move interstate - its just me and my 2 kids (older, 1 is 16 and 1 is 11) - and I feel that it was a bad choice, purely based mostly on fear and then hope. I wasn't in a violent or life threatenting situation but it was a mentally/emotionally toxic environment and in my haste to better the situation for myself and my kids, I decided to stay where I was holidaying interstate and now I am living with that decison and unfortunately, despite the good things that have happened (off my meds; have a great job) I am missing my son (the 16 year old, who chose to go back to the state we lived in to continue at his high school) - and I mean missing my son to the full extent of those words. Its like a part of me is missing. Not only that, the change meant my daughter had to adapt into a new school - which she has done, very proud of her strength - but now that the dust has settled, and I feel I am on the road to recovery, I am missing home. Well, the place I called home for 7 years and where my kids 'grew up'. Am I nuts for wanting to move back? I mean, I got rid of all my furniture, everything, to 'start over' - which I have done - but I honestly don't think I can continue living away from my son like this. I feel I did what I had to do at the time (move interstate) to save my sanity, my mental health ( i was very close to admitting myself into the nearest mental health facility; I wasn't considering anything drastic or anything serious - I think I just needed a mental break and had no where else to go). Coming off the meds has made me realise how much I have been hiding behind them (this is just me; I am absolutely not making any judgements on other peoples necessity in taking them). But now that these thoughts and realisations are crashing down on me, I'm realising what a stupid and really stupid thing I thought that I could live away from my child. My daughter is happy to go back home too as she misses her brother. Im feeling a mix of guilt and all at the same time. This is a vent I guess, a what would you do and a please help me see logic post all at once. Thanks for getting this far :)
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