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pink334

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Posts posted by pink334

  1. I'm not sure what you've been through, but rejection, disappointment, and hard times do not have to lead to a fear-based mode of processing things. Much of life, at least from what I've gathered in 39 years, is rejection, disappointment, and hard times.

     

    Lord knows I've got some good stories—and wounds—from stuff like that. Name an arrow that can cut into the heart, and odds are its found me. But I'm not scared of more, because I just don't want to be guided by fear. I think that's a choice we make far more than it's the result of trauma. Indeed, it's a choice some of us make to cope with trauma, but it has its limitations.

     

    I think when you see people on here suggesting therapy what they're seeing is that maybe your coping mechanisms aren't really helping you cope. This happens, from time to time, and we need to reset the scales. Maybe it's not therapy for you, but it might be worth questioning if you'd like to find an approach to hardship that is not fear-based.

     

    Up until the second break up I was living positively and believed my hardships made me into the better person I am today. I still live positively in every aspect now except relationships. Now I think my hardships messed me up. If I never had my hardships then maybe things would have worked with this guy because then I would have had nothing to worry about.

  2. Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got!

     

    I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition.

     

    If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off.

     

    What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too.

     

    Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be.

     

    Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this.

     

    I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves.

     

    Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.

     

    Yeah what we're going through sounds similar I do agree with what you said about. I agree that it would be hard for us to get back together and like you said about your situation. Here too communication was bad before both breakups. I do not understand what happened either time.

    I think it will take years to make things right with him or for me to even meet another guy if I somehow decide to date again. This guy has raised my standards so high.

    I have been sitting with my feelings for months though and with more time that passes, I just feel like things are getting worse. I feel like the only way to make it better is by talking to him. Especially because we run into each other all the time. But I don't want to have a conversation and just hear stuff like "you'll find someone else... blahblahblah" because those are not the things I want to hear and hearing them will not make things better for me. If I wanted someone else, I would have broken up with him. I still feel bad about some things that were said during the break up on both of our sides and I feel guilty and mad about them. I have never reacted so badly, it really isn't in my character. I almost never get mad

  3.  

    Now you might say, well no guy ever sticks with me, and I say because you are so damn negative! I mean no disrespect but your negativity and self-pity is literally dripping from your pores; we can all see it dripping on this forum in nearly every post you write.

     

    And trust me no matter how hard you try to hide by acting indifferent or however you act, these men can see it! They can sense it from your energy. You can't hide your energy pink no matter how hard you try.

     

    Again, not trying to be mean or hurt you, but we’ve tried to help you kindly and compassionately and still you choose to see nothing but negative.

     

    Yes it IS exhausting, you are absolutely right! And not just for you either, but for everyone in your life, those who choose to stick around, that is.

     

    Again, it's your choice. Live it, own it, however you deem fit.

     

    And if you choose misery over happiness, that's your choice too, and if that's the case, if that's your truth, then own it and accept it.

     

    But if you choose happiness, then for the love of *, stop whining about it and take steps to achieve it!

     

    I'm actually really bubbly and happy in person. No one can even imagine me being upset and they all tell me this. That's what most people and guys like about me, But I cannot stop being unhappy about this situation. I even had to see him today and I could barely smile around him. I tried to but I can't even pretend. I really want things to be ok between us but what I really think I need is an apology or something from him which I don't think I'll get when I can barely look at him. I'm not angry at him but I am so unhappy with the situation

  4. I will leave you with one last thought pink, then I gotta run.

     

    There is a recurrent theme in all your posts, and that is "fear."

     

    Please, don't allow fear to control you because fear can be all consuming and has the potential of eventually destroying all your relationships and your life.

     

    I know you're against therapy, and agree it probably won't help you get over this guy, but what it might help you with is gaining insight into your behavior, why you make the choices you make, why you've become so fearful and why you allow that fear to control your decisions and your life, including relationships.

     

    well that's probably because I have faced a lot of rejection, disappointment, and hard times in my life. Then every time I try to go forwards anyways like this happens to me. I have been to therapy before and honestly I would go again if it had been helpful. But evidently it has not been otherwise I would probably be in a happy relationship right now or at least not dealing with these emotions

  5. Okay fair enough, then may I ask why you started this thread? It appears it wasn't for any sort of help or feedback, being that none of us know you, so couldn't possibly understand or help you (according to you).

     

    If it was simply to vent your feelings, that's fine, but know there is a journal section for doing just that.

     

    Perhaps this thread should be moved there? That way no one will feel inclined to respond, unless you ask.

     

    It will be your own personal journal.

     

    Most people just tell me to keep unintentionally ignoring him but that actually makes me feel worse.

  6. Actually despite agree with bluecastle's post, I think it's the opposite. I think the best thing you can do right now, is NOTHING.

     

    The best thing for him too. It will allow him to experience life without you and to [possibly] miss you. Wonder about you, wonder why you're not falling pieces, even though you are, but he doesn't have to know that, nor should he.

     

    pink, I don't say this to hurt you but it seems like your nature is to hold on to things tightly, too tightly; I mean even now you're holding on too tightly even though you're broken up.

     

    Have you ever considered the possibility that one reason why these guys want to move on from you is because you tend to hand on so tightly?

     

    I mean, if you're still holding on this tightly, I shudder to think how tightly you held on to him while actually dating him!

     

    Again, not trying to hurt you more than you already are, just something for you to consider as you move forward.

     

    Actually my boyfriends would probably think the exact opposite of me holding on too tightly. Lately, I have wondered if that is the difficulty I face in relationships. It is hard for me to be the first to text etc.. To them I probably look indifferent or not so into them when really I do like them. I think it probably takes me a lot longer than most girls to feel comfortable doing that stuff. I wouldn't say I move slower, I just get nervous when I like someone and overthink that stuff. I think then I overcompensate after the relationship with the emotions I feel.

    I did break up with a 2 year relationship and never thought about him afterwards though and the first guy I ever dated (who also broke up with me) I never even thought about trying to get back so who knows. Might just depend on the situation.

     

    It's been already a few months though. I'm sure he missed me near the start of the break up and he probably wonders how I'm doing now. I just think that at this point too much time has passed. But then again stuff did happen in between. Like with him traveling and then dealing with his health so then again maybe something could still happen. I have had a rough couple months as well. At one point I think I was getting better but then something else happened in my life. I got upset about that event and then even more upset about the break up afterwards. It has been exhausting.

  7. Accept that he's the best man for you, that you'll love him forever, that you'll never meet someone this perfect again, that you don't even want to, because you and him are meant to be. No point fighting all that, since you've said it's true. So live that truth, fully. Indulge it without apology. All good, because it just means this is the truth you're meant to live. So live it, enjoy it.

     

    At first I thought bluecastle's post was sarcasm, until I read further and realized it was not.

     

    It's sort of the same thing I said, and emphasizes ACCEPTANCE. Stop fighting the feelings, stop being angry at yourself for having those feelings, and stop being angry at him for not.

     

    And just accept them, own them, all of it. And be happy.

     

    It's your truth and that's OKAY.

     

    Yeah I am really angry at myself. I am not angry at him but I do wish he could have done some stuff differently. He was bad at communicating and sometimes I wasn't the best either. I am angry about that and I feel like I didn't do enough to keep him. I still don't know if he is actually moving or not and a part of me wonders if that was the issue for the break up. He pretty much broke up with me saying that he was moving but then said that he didn't know if he was moving. Bad communication on his part. And I guess that is the one question I have for him but I don't want to ask and find out differently so maybe I just still have to wait. I do still very much love him and wish things could have been different. I wish we could start over because things were really good.

    Someone told me that some people just don't deal well with the unknown so maybe that is really why he broke up with me. I know he did like me because why else would he date me.

    I just thought eventually things would get easier and it hasn't so I feel like I have to do something. I don't know if that's by reaching out or smiling over at him or what.

  8. Well no one said it's not gonna hurt pink. Yes of course it hurts, it hurts like hell, life hurts!

     

    I cried my eyes out when I finally let it sink in the man I spoke about in my first post didn't want me. It was only a short "relationship" but I became quite emotionally attached to him.

     

    I didn't fight those painful feelings, I allowed myself to experience them, all the pain, and eventually it lifted.

     

    As John Gray says, I allowed myself to experience those feelings, to eventually be released.

     

    This may sound weird, but I released the pain, but not the love. The love is still there, not as intense as it once was, but it's still there on some level and probably always will be.

     

    You will too, I promise you! But it's gonna take time, be patient with yourself.

     

    STOP telling yourself things like you will never get over him, or love again, or want to love again, blah blah.

     

    That's your PAIN talking.

     

    He may have been your first great love, but I assure you he will NOT be the last.

     

    Look pink, I don't have time to get into all the pain, heartship, and frankly bullshyt I have experienced in my life, but if I can move on from all of that, you can too.

     

    Keep telling yourself that, you'll be okay.

     

    it already took me a lot of personal reflection to allow myself to develop feelings for him. i once in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who i think i loved. I do not have it in my heart to feel like that for someone else again. He will be the only person and if he doesn't want me then I will accept being alone. thank you for your time.

  9. "For me, even though the relationship was short. It was the best I ever had and I just know I won't be lucky enough to find something like that again which is why I'm holding on I guess." Unhealthy thinking and what is preventing you from moving on. Please seek therapy!

     

    you know what. this is the way i feel and i don't think anything will stop me from feeling this way. i also don't like that your one piece of advice is therapy because it doesn't help everyone.

  10. Pink, not sure if you read my last post, or if you even want to, but re your dance, continue with that. Don't lose your friends, friends are hard to come by, at least good ones.

     

    If you run into him anywhere, remain pleasant.

     

    But if you truly want to move on with your life, is as I said in my previous post, you must ACCEPT it's over.

     

    Again, it's okay to still love him, think about him, care about him, none of those emotions are going to kill you, or even harm you, not if you don't allow them too.

     

    Like I said too, there are going to be people you meet and get involved with in your life, short while, long while, who will always remain within you.

     

    That's OKAY, it means you experienced spending time with someone special (to you), someone who taught you a lot (about yourself mostly), that you are capable of loving and that is a good thing!

     

    Imagine living your life never being able to love anyone, or ever have a feeling/emotion about someone.

     

    That would be far worse, don't you think? I have experienced that (depression) and I think it is (far worse).

     

    But I always have feelings for the guy and they never have them for me. I thought things were different this time. He did all the things a guy does when they really liked someone. I don't ever want to fall in love again if I am only going to get hurt. I don't think I will after him. He was so special to me.

    Also, I am not always been pleasant around him because I can't. I can barely look him in the eyes. He probably thinks I'm being rude or mean to him, which he doesn't deserve but I am so hurt.

     

    edit: i can maybe accept loving him from a far but I feel like part of that for me would be to be more pleasant around him. I just can't imagine talking (or even dancing) with him without feeling emotional

  11. Why don't you ask them out to dinner, a picnic, hike. You said you did a lot of things with them and they were great friends. I am confused. You're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

     

    I have said, those things are nice but the way I have really connected with these people is through our hobby. I also want to continue getting better at it and I know it's not helping me because I will have to see but why should I stop doing it because of my ex. I do want to still be with him but I also want my hobby. If I can't be with him at least I can still have my hobby.

  12. Pink, our stories are so alike, down to the flirting with another girl in front of me. The difference is, my goal is to get over him. I suspect that you haven't gone through all the stages of a break up and instead, you're planning on how to get him back. If you are doing this, no amount of hobbies will help you get over him.

     

    If you are mentally trying to get over him, then I do suggest you stop your hobby for a bit, not forever of course. This is exactly what I did with our common hobby. I stopped doing it for a month so I wouldn't bump into him and met our mutual friends elsewhere. I didn't unfriend him on fb, just unfollowed, because like you said, I'd still see what he's up to because of all our mutual friends. I've also tried really hard, to not check his page. It took me a little over a month to stop doing that.

     

    I told him not to text me or anything and that I will text him when I'm over it. I haven't. Lately I've been wanting to text him, as a friend, but as I see I still have , maybe 1/10 of the feelings I had for him but they're still there, I'm not going to. Thing is, I too have thought "maybe he wants to talk to me but he can't because I forbid him to do so". I immediately stop my train of thoughts saying"if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't break up with me twice". In your case, he has all the freedom to text you and hasn't. The only indicator you have are glimpses. It's too weak, you can't go on that. Don't read too much into it.

     

    I know it was short term, but there must have been some negative things about him. Even the fact that he flirted with another woman in front of you. Both explanations of this are negative. Would you really like to be with a guy who uses another person to make you jealous? Or, would you really want to be with a guy who doesn't consider your feelings by flirting with another woman in front of you?(I'm assuming this happened soon after the break up, if it happened months after, than it doesn't count). I wouldn't.

     

    Was what you had SOO good? I don't need an answer, just think about it. Even if you were perfectly fine with what you had, apparently he wasn't, and called it. It sucks, but it happens.

     

    Best part, and this is what I kept telling myself on the rough days, even if you did get back together and everything was perfect the third time round, how can you possibly trust that he won't up and leave randomly?

     

    Note: check out the attachment theory.

     

    Well I'm glad someone is going through something similar. I have said this before though, he was actually gone for over a month so I had no choice but to not see him. Even that forced not seeing each other thing did not help me though. If I stop going to my hobby, it will probably be permanently or for at least a year. I don't want to stop because then I have no way to get better and practice. It's also now so ingrained in who I am as a person and what I do often. I don't even want to do something else on the evenings where it is hosted. I will probably stay at home and do nothing if I don't go and I think that would make things worse for me.

     

    I know you are right, if he wants to contact me he will. I know the signs I have gotten from him are small but I know him. I can tell that he wants to talk to me even if it is to just be friendly. I just wonder if he thinks I am still angry at him.

     

    The flirting with another woman thing was shortly after breaking up. Nothing like that has happened since. It did make me lose some attraction for him at the time but I have realized that he did it because he was hurt. I don't know what he was thinking would happen after he broke up with me a second time over text though.

     

    For me, even though the relationship was short. It was the best I ever had and I just know I won't be lucky enough to find something like that again which is why I'm holding on I guess.

     

    The second time we dated, things were maybe a bit awkward from breaking up once but he only started acting weird when he found out he might be moving. I don't think is fair to break up just because he is anxious about the future but I do think that was the underlying issue the second time around more than anything else. I would honestly give things another go if he ever admitted to that being the issue.

     

    Have checked out attachment theory. I have secure attachment in most relationships. However, when a guy gets distant I immediately turn anxious. And that is because a guy I once dated used the silent treatment on me as a way to control me. I didn't even realize this was something I still had difficulty with until this relationship. I did recognize this and tried to deal with it but obviously I still have some traumatic stress from that incident. I wish I had gotten rid of all that before I started seeing the most recent guy, because then things would probably have been a lot better.

  13. Totally ego, and it is huge. She cannot fathom that this guy is not into her, and keeps making all of these silly excuses.

     

    I would actually like to point out that I have been broken up with more times than I have been the dumper. I am more used to a guy not liking me. I also never did any of the chasing with this guy. He did.

     

    And I will see my friends a lot less often if I don't go to my hobby. I don't know what else we would do if I stop going. I occasionally watch a movie with some of them or they host a party but it's just not the same as enjoying our hobby together.

  14. Pink? Have you ever dated someone—for a day, a weekend, a few months—who you lost feelings for, had doubts about, ended things with before they really took off? Have you ever had someone be "into" you, in any capacity, you you aren't "into" back?

     

    Speaking for myself, whenever I've been hurt by someone not liking me the way I like them I remind myself of that feeling. Because it's just life, human, the way things go sometimes. Sometimes you're in your shoes, sometimes in his. It's a thing that happens.

     

    Refusing to accept that things that happen, well, happen is a recipe for disaster and spiritual corrosion. It's allowing pride and ego—not genuine feelings—to drive your ship. Or, really, to sink it.

     

    Life has much harder moments in store for you than this. I don't mean to dismiss this being hard, but us adults? We have to learn how to deal with hard moments, and to not turn little stings into tsunamis. Because when the real tsunamis come—when relationships turn south after years, when friends get sick and die, when job security vanishes in a day—we need to be able to avoid drowning. Right now you are making an active choice to down in what is, I'm sorry, a puddle that your imagination is turning into an ocean.

     

    Big picture here? You just liked a guy more than he liked you. That story is playing out a million times over as I write this sentence. Had you been with this guy for years, or married to him—well, I'd cut you a bit more slack to be spinning around about it 5 months later. But you've spent more time spinning around than you spent with him, and that speaks less about your connection and feelings than something inside of you screaming to be addressed. This is your spirit calling out for help, not your heart missing a man.

     

    Actually I have never broken up with a guy after only dating a short time. If I do not like a guy, I will know immediately after meeting them or after the first date. I will then stop all contact and not lead them on. The only time I have broken up with someone, was after a 2 year relationship. And really that relationship should only have lasted a couple months. We were not right for each other in any sense. I don't get why that relationship was so long and this one short. It should have been the other way around.

    In all honestly, getting broken up with after only dating a short time has now happened to me for the third time. The only difference is that the other times I got broken up with, I still had hope. Any other guy I meet just can't compare and that's why I wish we were back together.

  15. You know sometimes I am so upset that I do wonder if our time together meant anything. I even wonder if we are right for each other. Obviously I felt like that when we were dating and I did want to continue dating. I feel like we were just getting to know each other. However, despite all the things I have done to become indifferent. I still do really care about him. Maybe I just have to own that part of myself and stop pretending that I don't. And maybe then I will feel better about everything .

  16. That's not true. It matters because you added him back for the express purpose of messaging him, by your own admission. Keeping him there keeps the door open to communication, in your mind.

     

    Having mutual friends is not the same as being on each other's friend list on social media, either. You are going to be getting a front-row seat to his life which will hurt when a new woman does eventually surface. Having mutual friends does not permit that kind of access. You need to at least be honest with yourself about that. Sure, you might hear through the grapevine what he's up to or see glimpses through others' social media, but being in a direct line of contact is a different ball game.

     

    Go ahead and talk to him if you want. Perhaps you need to learn the hard way that he isn't into you like that any longer and you won't ultimately wind up together; I don't want to encourage you to do something that I think will make things worse for you but I am not sure you will get the hint otherwise.

     

    Well I went about 4 months with him not on it and that didn't help me move on either. Literally nothing has helped. I still want to talk to him. If you have a suggestion of what to say please tell me.

  17. Unfortunately, he's just not that into you. You can continue to chase him, but it will continue to be heartbreaking.

    So just people saying that to me does not help me get over him. Obviously I still do really like him and I probably eventually will cave and say something. If someone has a suggestion of what to say please tell me. That is probably the best advice you can give me because I don't have enough strength to keep ignoring him.

  18. You're not really helping yourself as much as you could be, though.

     

    Adding him back to your social media is an example. You keep trying to find ways to keep the door open so it should come as no surprise that you aren't moving on. You can't have it both ways, OP.

     

    I have a feeling he's fine with things. It's you who thinks things aren't fine, and that's only because you're not talking to each other. I don't think he gives this anywhere near as much thought as you do, to be blunt.

     

    It doesn't matter if I have him on social media or not. We have so many mutual friends that I cannot avoid him. I will always know what he's doing.

     

    I do want to talk with him though and I don't know if he is fine with things. He used to come talk to me actually but then he found out I deleted his number which surprisingly really upset him. He even flirted with another girl right in front of me to make me jealous I'm guessing. He later quickly ignored this girl and was visibly upset when I had to talk to him a couple days later. Since then he hasn't talked to me and it's probably because he thinks I don't want to. But that is not true. I just don't know how to talk to him.

  19. Keep working on those other hobbies, too.

     

    You're operating under the assumption that your ex will always be there. He might not be. When he starts dating someone else, his attention could easily drift elsewhere and you naturally won't see him as much anymore. Or, he might simply prioritize other interests.

     

    I think your biggest problem right now is that you don't want to let go, so you are making all kinds of excuses not to do so. You want someone here to encourage you to reach out to him, as I'm reading it, so you are trying to frame your situation as having basically no other options so you might as well get in touch with him. That's my strong impression from your posts, for what it's worth. As long as you keep that up, you will remain in a painful place for a very long time.

     

    I have done a lot of things to move on and nothing has helped. I am starting to accept that I will not move on. I really still want to reach out though so we can at least be nice to each other. Even though he doesn't want me and will eventually find someone else. I can be happy knowing that things are ok between us.

  20. This is your wake-up call that you need to expand your life, OP.

     

    Centering your whole world around some guy you dated a few months and one single hobby isn't healthy. You badly need to look at extending your horizons, making new friends, and building up your life so you aren't totally lost when one aspect of it doesn't work out.

     

    This could be part of the reason he ended it with you. Most men are not going to be comfortable if they sense a woman doesn't have much of a life outside of them and depend too heavily on them for purpose and happiness, especially when the relationship was quite short. It's too much pressure and just not attractive. The more you write, the more I am convinced that he saw this in you and backed away. If it's obvious to us here on the anonymous internet, it will magnified in person. I guarantee it.

     

    ok i am a bit emotional so i think that is coming across more than anything but i do have lots of other hobbies.

     

    I have even found new hobbies since the break up to keep myself busy. And there were hobbies i had that kept me busy during certain nights of the week while we were dating so he knows i have other things. He even said that he was happy with me doing my own thing. I kept myself busy on nights too when he had his own thing going on. I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to do that as a couple. Actually it was quite refreshing because the guy i dated before him didn't have his own stuff. I had to see him every saturday night to hangout for example because he didn't have anything else going on.

     

    The reason i keep saying that i won't have something else is because i have made a lot of friends in this hobby. I feel like i have finally found my niche and that was such a hard thing to find

  21. The problem is is that she sees him at the dance. She cannot get over him if she sees him on a regular basis.

     

    my dance group does lots of things together. sometimes he is there, sometimes he is not. i want to continue doing this style of dance though. i have already signed myself up for a weekend near the end of this month (not sure if he will be there) and I plan on going to an out-of-town event in a few months (he will probably be there). honestly, stopping is not going to go well for me. i really enjoy this and i don't really want another hobby. i thought eventually seeing him would get easier but it has not.

  22. Another one of my projects was in Chinatown teaching computer basics,. Made a lot of friends through that group. All of the groups that I volunteer with on a weekly basis allows me to make friends and interact with others.

     

    those all sound nice but they are not my thing. i like being active and socializing which is why dance works for me. i have met way more people since i started doing this than any other volunteer gig I've had (and i have done many) or other hobby. I used to volunteer for a convention in my city, had friends through there but the leadership changed and I am not really into the convention anymore anyways.

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