Jinx

I haven't posted in a bit about my situation as of the moment and decided for a post that was based on updates for what has gone on since last time. Right about now I am trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, I've spent the past week or more to myself trying to sort out what I want and want to do. Going to different towns looking around, mini vacation as much as a College student at my stage can. Aside of my own confusion on the professional front I've had to deal with the "love" front. My friend is Bisexual as it turns out and she has been flirting shamlessly with me whenever we talk yet she will not let go of her boyfriend or any of the like, she knows I don't approve of cheating matters and won't be involved in it but she continues. On the other half, I met a woman who I fell for extremely so, and we both can just spend hours chatting about anything and enjoy each others company extremely. She was the one to really show interest initially now that I think about it, and I have to say I'm stricken too. She has all the traits I've thought about in a woman and she says it is the same for me. One major huge hang up that put a damper on the day, she is only about 17 years my senior. She has her degrees, she has a professional career, she has a home and is well established. I on the other hand am only a student finishing a Bachelors and wanting to get into Graduate school, I am renting, and my employment is still on the casual minimum wage front. Technically, we're two absolute opposites. Not in goals, just in stages. While we share the same views and eventual ideas about life despite the gap, neither of us are sure whether it is worth pursuing or not. Worst part is, when we've been out together, even in the most liberal area we've been to, even with as close as we tend to act and be, people have a tendency to ask if we are relatives or such. At least no one has asked if I'm her daughter yet, maybe we don't look that far apart for people to say that or they just think and don't speak. On another point is jealousy. While my friend would refuse to get rid of her boyfriend if she were actually interested in me beyond a crushing bi-curiosity, I find the green eyed monster loves to rear its ugly head when I tell her that the other woman and I are say going out for lunch or coffee. She isn't really rude but she is cold about the fact. Really, what does she expect me to do? I don't see why I should be getting the attitude about all of this for moving along. At least this other woman knows she is a lesbian, open about it, and has known for a long while. With her, the woman whom is older than I, I don't have to worry (or at least I hope not...) about being Gay, having a relationship with a woman and midway going into a crisis about "My parents said I need to marry a man, sorry sucker, I'm off. Hope you enjoyed." Love my friend dearly but I don't trust her to remain a Bisexual interested in women. I could be terribly wrong, that she isn't confused in her female interest and won't go haywire mid relationship. To me personally it would be more devastating to date a Bisexual woman or confused "lesbian", invest years into a relationship then out of the blue one day she states that she wants a man and a year later is married to one. I can much better tolerate the thought of loving a lesbian and her leaving for another woman. Oh, and the lovely catch on the end of this is my Bisexual friend wants to meet me and spend time with me over the Summer and that makes me very nervous. I get this odd impulse to think that spending time with me over the Summer isn't to catch up on schoolwork, life and employment topics. I want to say no, but she isn't an idiot and will catch on that it is the fact she seems interested in me and I don't want to deal with it. Secondly, I am not at all on good terms with my family at current so it isn't like I can say I'm going "home" to be with them while she is in the area. Anyhow, looks like I'm going to be here for awhile longer (School has gone to hell in a handbasket for me) and not going to be any escaping the issue for awhile, so I've just been debating about the to-do's and not-to-do's of these complex little bumps in life that come about.

As for the ladies comment, he might of well been testing you to see your response. Now that I've gotten out more into the gay community where I can, sometimes for myself when the women aren't sure about me (or some, themselves but still are trying to flirt just to experiment I suppose) they will say, "Hey did you see him look at you?" by now I just chuckle and say it doesn't matter a bit to me, he can look all he wants, never is a chance. That, if the woman is curious will often open the doors to more conversation which for particular eventually more brazen individuals to openly ask about my sexuality now. You can always turn the tables on this, and when you two are sitting together or in the general area. If a woman looks at you two, even if she is obviously looking at your or some man or woman beyond you two, you can always take one of those straight man approaches and tell him, "Hey, she was giving you 'the look'." it is quite open ended, you're not pushing him by puntuating it with a "Go get her" so that he has to fake. Having it open ended as such will allow for a broader answer opportunity. You can build on it if he tells you No, not interested. You can ask in a subtle manner, about the why behind it. He may not catch bait, but a lot of people will when asked in such a manner. You could learn a lot from just a simple comment like that. His body language to his verbal response, if they counteract one another or are in sync with the answer. Of course it doesn't always work because some closeted individuals have mastered the art of lying in situations like that, and you just can't tell. I just find it odd myself that a guy would out of the blue say you've got all the ladies unless he is jealous, gay or just was trying to say something random, even then it is an odd opening statement to conversation that it is like he wanted you to bloat your ego by saying, "Yes I do" and play along or if you'd just laugh and brush off the very thought. I myself would think the best option here is to develop as much of a friendship as possible then to the point which you two may be able to spend time outside of the work area. Once he is comfortable with you, and you've made it clear you don't judge he'll most likely open up with his own viewpoints as to whether he is homophobic, accepting or homosexual. I think the key would be asking questions which are open ended, with a slightly straight twist, you being open about being open minded, and coming up with things that you find he likes to chitter chatter about so that he leads and you're able to nod and listen to take it everything.

Personally I'd say, what do you believe you will be getting out of telling her? Is it because you feel guilty of having a crush and her not knowing, do you think there is potential or what exactly is the pushing force. Even people who appear open minded aren't when it comes to certain issues, including gay crushes. Some will just seem like the most open minded you've ever met when it pertains to gay issues, but once they are involved in the issue itself (ie gay crush) they will not accept it at that level. Instead the individual will become withdrawn, and lost a friend. All the while yes there is always the potential that she may herself turn out to be * * * * * as well or be straight and take it well, though in my personal experience this is rarely the case, of course it varies from person to person and their social group. Some overall just take these things better than do others. If it is a burden to you, to the point it is bothering you constantly in everyday life you may consider telling her just to help yourself but full well knowing that it may actually cause more pain by her leaving you and what really did you accomplish. On the flip side of this is the same scenario but you have the bricks off your back over the issue of liking her on a out of sight, out of mind, and you've cleared yourself of those feelings you were harboring it was just up to her to decide. I've never had any success in any way shape or form with telling a woman that I was interested in her unless I knew up front she was a Lesbian. That is why I speak as I do, I've lost more than I have ever gained. The only comfort I received from any of these type of ordeals is the fact that I no longer had the burden of a secret interest that could explode into something at any given point in time, a full out "I love you" or like, however in a most inappropriate situation. Yet when those women left did it really matter; they're gone. On the flip side, you get a better judge of their character depending on the response I suppose. On the flip side again, there is always the slim but always possible chance she will turn around and say the golden words that it is a mutual interest or simply state she is flattered but isn't interested. Both of which typically are much better in end result terms.

I'm not sure if this topic would fit perfectly in this category but closest I think to which it applies. During my life since the beginning of adolescence I've had these random, for lack of a better term, phases where I'd become primarily restless and tend to be irritable but it would pass as soon as it showed up, and I always assumed with the timing of it, just to be another one of the PMS symptoms, but as of late it isn't going away. Right now I am trying to complete my degree early by taking the intense Summer Sessions and before they've always been a fly by for me even though all the hours needed to be put into it. I could apply myself and get most of the course work on the schedule done way before the due dates. Right now, sad as it is, I'm struggling to get partial credit on assignments well past their due date in two courses. Very, very bad I know. So far in both courses I'm averaging, about oh say, a borderline D at very best. I did the Math today. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. I can't afford to drop the courses and If I can't get my act together this entirely blows my chance of getting to my choice Grad school because of the GPA and general requirements. Yet even though I realize all this I cannot apply myself to anything. I've taken up procrastinating until the last moment because I have about the concentration level of a fish and fall victim to boredom easily. Only at last minute when I insist I have to sit down and do something I can for hours without pause, but I have to talk myself into it. An example is this post itself, I thought a couple times through it and during replies I've made to other posts earlier, that I'd get up and go find something else and come back later. Of course I already know, I'd never finish it if I didn't get it all done right now. I've also had an increasingly shorter patience level with people. Where I used to take everything in stride and not let it bother me, if someone states something negative at me I'd find a deal more joy in just turning around and giving a livid explanation about the stupidity of whatever they've said or claimed. Nonetheless, where this Apartment used to keep my entertained beyond belief and here and there between studies I would go out with friends if I had time, I just hate being here anymore. I almost feel claustraphobic in a whole apartment. I have to go out and do something, if I stay around for too long I'll drive myself up a wall with pacing and looking out the window watching people or whatever happens to be out there. Secondly, I find it much more entertaining to travel somewhere, anywhere than be here. This is a metropolitan area, you'd think I'd be happy as a lark, everything you'd need to see or do is relatively speaking, here somewhere to be found. Yet I'd rather go out to somewhere in the boonies just to entertain myself with travel, that is my attitude, anywhere but here. Then last, while the issue is about as non-feasible as they come, I've had this horrible urge just to find a girlfriend. It is almost like a mission my mind has set up rather than want to pursue. On the switch side, I find a woman who intrigues me and is obviously interested, and I brush it off and find I cannot find it in myself to commit in any shape or form such as suggesting a date, or if they offer, "If you're not busy..." I always will make myself busy whether I am or not. When I'm out mingling, just keeping myself busy with all that I've mentioned above, I'm just as happy as a lark. For me, that is odd, very odd. Outside of doing that when I'm in the apartment or can actually get myself to study, I can't quite say I'm not happy, I'm just kind of so-so and spend most of the time thinking what I want to do instead of what I am doing. There isn't much time for me to sulk, and then again I have no urge to be morose. Just feel like I need to be somewhere doing something other than what I should be. [Edit] Don't know how I forgot this tidbit but another bothersome point of this is, since the restlessness has become worst, I've also had nightly bouts of nightmares. Some are just mildly spooking, the kind you wake up at 2:00 in the morning look around to see all is well and fall back asleep, whereas others are extremely bothersome and can't go back to sleep for quite awhile due to the disturbing, yet utterly pointless far as I can tell, images. So all of this is affecting my sleep too, which probably isn't helping the problem either but all seem to be going hand it hand. I'll probably end up seeing a Doctor or something over it, but I really don't know how much of this would actually qualify as a health problem, but just don't know what to do. I can't wander aimlessly whenever and to blow my education this far into the game would be suicidal, and logically I realize none of this I feel are feasible options but my logical side is not the overwhelming power at the moment, for whatever reason. [Edited : For second to last paragraph]

Out or no out, it seems they have an idea that you're gay and this is their way of trying to nip this "choice" in the bud. I have a tendency to think they're at least a tad homophobic and in semi-denial of the obvious. Well I'm sure if your parents had the perfect answer to that question it would be prying you apart and keeping a mass level of "close but not close" ness. Really it depends on the parents. My mother accepts me as does one of my siblings and that is one side, they also accept all my friends on an individual level depending who they are as people not who they are by who they love. Now the male part of my family they seem to get giddy playing "Point out the * * * * * *" and they don't care if the man or woman is the most friendly sociable nicest person they could ever meet. Their sexuality and sameness to the male family member's beliefs of being a normal human, is all that matters. Probably has to do with why a majority of their connections are heterosexist chauvinistic homophobic type folk. The only homo they like is homogenous in so-called morale. Further on friends, my best female friend, her mother and it seems some of her other family members have developed an extreme paranoia over the fact I am lesbian. So I hear from her, if she contacts them and says something about me, I am the hot topic. I'd be proud of being a conversation hot topic, bloat my ego and all but in reality the only reason I'm being talked about is because I'm a lesbian. Very very bad to them. Nevermind some of them know no more about me that what comes from her mouth, and her mother only knows me as her best friend who she once seen in a suit and probably if it was legal would of tried killing on spot just because I was me. I am a sexuality, not a human to them. I've met a lot of people like this since coming out. All too aware. It really depends on the individualistic views, they start with or eventually reach a ground where you're a living breathing human with bodily functions and cognitive processes OR you're just gay. Like a piece of furniture. With such dehumanizing attitudes that run about I'm amazed I haven't seen a kid go, "Ooh! Look Mommy! Its a Gay! " Little extreme but example of the point. I'd have to say there isn't a lot you can do to change the ideas flowing through the heads of the parents. Once it is embedded, especially the father, that you may be gay, oh my, he will continue as long as that is a threat. Thus, long as you remain as close to your friend he will most likely intervene negatively. Personally, I don't know exactly what you can do. You can tell your friend that you want to remain friends but may reach some obstacles as your father has a severe block about men potentially being extremely close platonic friends. I'd say make a statement to your father but of course that would be extremely misleading if you were to come out while still at home. It is a mixed bag honestly. As for coming out to the friend, which you probably already know, does not particularly seem to go hand in hand positively with "I love you". You may first test the grounds by coming out when you two are alone in an extremely relaxed but open area. Not to say the friend would do anything but, eh, its always nice to have that benefit. See his initial reaction to this, he may already have the assumption himself for that. If he has a positive reaction then you've just gone up one positive point BUT as far as love goes, I have friends who are entirely fully accepting of Homosexuality but in terms of Homosexuality that is far as it goes. They're just extremely secure in their sexuality, they don't fear "gay conversion seduction" like some do. So that is questionable but it would be the first step. Positive is good. Positive can also be bad, you'll just need to watch and keep notes of how he acts around you after the fact. After the fact, even months after, that is when you get to see the real person come out on the coming out issue. It gives enough time for the thoughts to brew if they're going to have a further reaction to it. Most of the relatively not so good experiences I've had after coming out were a few months after the fact, women got a case of the "What If" paranoia and what not.

It probably seems odd if you're not used to it, and that is what they're actually doing (Cultural such as). Where I live and my own family, though two much different cultures, celebrate death as more of a happy time for the relief of pain, moving on and upward, and what they did and accomplished in life. But, 5 hours? I've never had any celebration make progress that fast, that is what strikes me odd and crude potential that if he was bothersome to them, they're just simply happy he is gone. It really depends. I think the positive is thinking of this as a happiness for what he had in life and the suffering is gone, rather than the later.

I think if you haven't already you just need to tell her bluntly about the situation. You're looking into the future, She is looking into next week. You want a commited relationship, yes? And she from what you've mentioned seems to just want a place filler and that happens to be you but there is no future if she is bisexual and wants life with a man. You just need to let it go, tell her if there is no future then it should end now and cut all ties because it is too much to be friends. Offer that before she offers friends. It is a No Contact situation I think. She is just twisting it so she gets her benefits out of it, but you get absolutely nothing unless you consider emotional pain in the end of it all. This has been my problem personally in finding women and dating, I've met a deal more Bisexual women than Lesbians but the problem is they call themselves Bisexual with this attitude, "I'll play with you right now, but in the long run its a man in my picture perfect life." that I guess is fine and dandy for them but to be caught up in it just for a temporary filler person wouldn't be fun for the lesbian. I'd never want caught up in the game. Especially for the one who is thinking about a long term relationship, not a nighttime romp. Far as mistakes go, don't blame yourself for these things, look at everything she has done. It hasn't helped you. Unless you're doing all the behaviors you've described as her doing there I would presume be much more blame to her side. Then saying you're not in her future is just the Cherry on top.

I've been in that boat before to a degree, I once had a woman tell me I didn't look Lesbian enough. That was a real nice boost to my sexuality. Anyhow, you'll get stereotypes from both the gay and straight community I found. The woman who said I personally didn't look lesbian enough was, yes, a lesbian herself. Anyhow, I love gay friendly, gay run, and/or gay district cafe's. While I don't anyone well enough by my standards to consider dating or such, I still am still gaining gay and lesbian acquaintances and developing friendships with the men and women. A good gay cafe should have a friendly welcoming environment, but it would help to know whether the clinets are primarily gay or straight. If it is gay friendly but primarily straight serving then you're just up the creek without a paddle, still. Then there are the organizations for the GLBT community. If you don't have one in your area then most likely the closest metro area will have quite a few options available, I'd assume anyhow. Again all on location, I've heard some good things about Pride events and people meeting people there. Now I'm absolutely clueless though about locations, times and such but it would be well worth checking out I'd think. Personally at this phase in my life I've taken to trying to make friendships with other lesbians and seeing where it may take me eventually. At least knowing they are lesbians up front in the acquaintance stage leaves less room for problems later on. Much better than chasing straight and closeted women I'll say at the very least of it all.

Relatively speaking College is an open minded melting pot when it concerns students. I think everyone at some point has the "High School is over, everyone is gone, no one will remember me, uh-oh now what will I do?". As much as I wanted to leave home I still had it, I was just not verbal about it. A deal of people I know today years later finally state just how scared they were about leaving home and being alone, it just for some was a pride thing, that being scared was a weakness point for them I guess. College for myself was a nice new start, I loved it then, love it now. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once I enter a graduate school and eventually finished my degree work. You will need to consider this important point, most all other freshman at the University level are in your shoes to some level, some more than you some less than you. It may take a bit but most people are looking for acquaintances to develop into friendships. I eventually just made it a habit to talk to anyone and now I have a good acquaintance network a mile long and what friends I have are the best I could probably hope for, most of which came out of it. One of my best things to do was when I was in a primarily Freshman based 101 class, I'd find myself a person who looked just as lost as I did and talk. Random things, small talk, What class, what they think, if its a good sized University ask where they are from, degree, etc... Small questions can lead into a lot. Eventually after socializing within the classes you'll find people that will attach to you, and people you attach to. Good point was finding someone who had an hour's break or something between courses at the same time as I and had nothing really to do with their time. Most are very open to having a person walk around, share lunch, socialize during that period. Also you'll learn, who you were in High School means absolutely nothing in College. That status goes out the window and you have a new clean slate to grow with. As for looks, think ugly be ugly I guess. Someone can be relatively unattractive but if their personality shines it doesn't really matter. You have to love yourself really before you can love another or else you will fall to this mass level of insecurity you seem to of taken on. Furthermore, being on the Football team I tend to think that would give you brownie points with some of the women there, looks or no looks. If you can develop a more confident outlook but also be pleasant to be around and social, you'll have it made well. College takes some time and adjusting to but once you get your niche and start being around others it is one of the best experiences.

Well eye contact if you're not used to it is one of those things that are awkward to work with at first. If you're not use to using it period anyone is a good option. That is how I got used to it, just make strong constant eye contact with everyone and eventually it just becomes a regular habit which is positive in its own right.

I'll second, third, however on mccarleighp's advice. If you approach him directly and he isn't out or ready to disclose his sexuality if say he is gay or bisexual, he may back out anyways and act odd as though he were straight. I think turning it into a joke with the "Fancy me" line isn't as scary. It will make him think too, and when people are having fun sometimes a lot more will come out than when you back them into a corner and just be blunt. Further, you never quite know what a guy may do if you question his sexuality blunt like. If he is straight and just touchy feely he may not take it all well and end up in a negative potentially harmful situation emotionally or physically, the latter being the worst at that point but possible. How does he react to your touch? You described that he runs up and holds you and rests his head. If you were to do the same or something kind of like that or if you have, how does or do you think he would respond? If it is strictly one sided and you've tried, I'd question reading too far into it as he may a closet ornament in no rush to be taken down. Now, if you haven't tried, when you two are alone or in a peaceful open situation, plantonic but questionable contact such as sitting close, eye contact (not touch but...), hand on shoulder and thigh for conversation emphasis, etc... Does he move, squirm away, act nervous, make excuses, etc... The little things and reactions can me so much. They're not nearly as scary, either it seems. vbmenu_register("postmenu_1070256", true);

Well if he is still texting you and everything else and acting normal I doubt it bothered him that much or if it did, it wasn't major. For your sake and just to make sure, you can always just make a casual comment that You're sorry that you got carried away at the party but meant it in fun, didn't mean to bother. You've got it covered pretty much and its open enough that he can judge. Then you'll just need to keep a minor mental note to avoid such grief to yourself over thinking, "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't." Sounds like he may be potentially interested if he was that intent, as for the arms around you, I've had guys gay and straight do that to me under what they consider a friendly gesture and do that among themselves but it isn't prolonged. I think you may consider just how long he keeps his hand there and when he does. Like I said in my experience personally and observing some guys use it for an emphasis point in conversation, a "Stop already and listen" in a passive manner, or for momentary greeting in a way. As for the looks like I said, if it was intent it may be a good sign but never completely positive. I don't know if I mentioned this in my prior post or if you mentioned this maybe, but try having a conversation with him and keep eye contact. See just how long he holds or how he reacts, then watch him interacting with other guys he is friends with. That seems to tell at least some between gay men. Hopefully more positive will come out of this. Keep us updated.

Depending just how you look at it, this could very well be like when one of us, in a way, is head over heels with someone whom we are pretty sure is straight with no leaning tendencies. We know they have a partner and/or opposite sex history but go through with the love statement nonetheless. Then you have the complications, the awkward feelings, and so forth when none of it is returned and the other person is just not comfortable. Sometimes I've heard people say it is easier to admit love and be rejected than hold it inside forever. It just isn't for the gay community, happens with the heterosexual portion too. Then you have to think, graduation, you get that kind of doom feeling with admitting things. Kind of now or never, I'm not going to see so and so again so what the hey take a chance and see how bad it turns out, if its bad maybe I won't see them anymore. Secondly, since she was in a bad breakup like others mentioned she is going through that period where she needs someone. Since you've only shown her nothing but kindness, sweet and caring she has fallen for you, again, despite she knows you're out and proud gay to them. I think she just needs you to reassure you're gay and there is no bending on this but you will always be there for her. She can make up her mind then. It depends on her attitude and how she takes it but one of the worst things is to be alienated for such reasons. I know how it feels simply to be alienated for being a lesbian when people start feeling awkward that I'm going to fall in love with them, and they leave me never to speak again. While we are on different fronts so to speak, as she was speaking her like of you and I'm just being myself, it would probably be the worst thing just to leave her high and dry in silence and never resolve the issue. Just need to stand your ground, be firm when needed but still open to being her friend when she does need the caring person like you. If you could contact her face to face it would be best, though an email gives you more time to express your point. It really depends. You just need to simply bluntly let her know that a relationship isn't possible, you're not available, you're in love with a man and thats how the cookie crumbles. You'll be there but never for romance, just for a shoulder. I don't know about adding in a bit that she'll find someone else, that would seem a tad harsh if she is having a hard time already but its always an option to make your point crisp. Her comment which was similar to "Gee, you're gay, I love you, what else can happen to me..." kind of reminds me of the situation with my friend who has taken it upon herself to say things about what a wonderful person I am, how much she likes and loves this and that about me, goes on and on, you know, builds my ego until it comes to a point of, "But unfortunately you're a woman," Nice ending. Kind of reminded me of her statement in a way.

I read the post and there is potential he is gay, bi or just secure in his sexuality and is a friendly being who likes you as a friend. True, that is possible, but to ask my best friend she probably would of said the same thing before I came out directly to her. I don't know how she can possibly conclude he is entirely straight unless he is seeing someone, states that he is secure in a non-homophobic way but not interest, or they've got a friendship with benefits going or something that gives her in depth insight. I often wonder if asking the straight best friend whom is of the opposite sex. If she likes him better than a friend, even if he were gay, if she has a jealous bug she'd never tell you. Competition for something she'd never get, but still can try. Her attitude may swing his comments too. It is really hard to decide based on a best friend's comments unless you're absolutely sure he is being truthful with her, and she is being absolutely truthful with you. There is such a broad potential for little tidbits and things to be left out. Like others said I think the best would to get to know him and judge for yourself. Its the best way I think. I wouldn't give up but nor would I get my hopes up too much this early into the "game" so to speak.

Just to add in my two cents, if I'm correct for those which believe in this, there are several soulmates to every person. They are the ones that technically walk the same life as you in each lifetime if I'm correct and they're there to teach you a lesson about life and provide something. This can be love potentially but not always. Typically soulmates can be strictly platonic friends and the like, too. Twin Flames I think is more of the concept you're looking for. Like I say I'm not an expert on this whole concept but a twin flame is the one that upon creation was split from you, the one true love you'll be looking for and your partner. Yet unlike soulmates you may or may not know your twin flame though eventually you will meet up in some life time and be perfectly compatible as partners. The best possible. Yet it is believed that one can meet their twin flame like a soulmate over several life spans but only when the twin flames have reached their compatible points once again in the same life will they rejoin. I also believe soulmates and twin flames, gender is quite fluid through the life spans and the whole process of reincarnation I believe would be the term. So typically if you do go for the soulmates and twin flame idea, yes that would make sense. Because you may be compatible with a soulmate or twin flame in a life but of the same gender and so forth. As far as platonic soulmates go, I've got my crew which I'm pleased about, that isn't a problem with me seeking and finding that half. Now as far as the soulmate concept may go with love, nope. Lesbians, not finding anything in this barren wasteland of the gay community. Furthermore, pool is relatively itsy bitsy microscopic in comparison to the Heterosexual potential all together. While like was mentioned we may have an easier connection being say both male both female and orientation is the same, thats all there is really. It is like a quote I seen once that was about a dating couple of lesbians. Someone asked why they fell in love and what they had in common. Answer was related to the fact they were both lesbians, nothing more. Being * * * * * is only a quarter portion, and individuality actually makes it harder in addition to the pool being small to start out with. I've met other lesbians, I have bisexual friends, very few of them would actually be dating material to me to start out with. We don't share interests, we're opposites to the point we're only acquaintances, we don't have the same aspirations and goals in life and so forth. So really for me to look into, I actually think it is harder to find that one true love. BUT and big but here, most settled gay and lesbian couples I do know that are older, once they find that special someone they are like soulmates and year wise has outlasted a lot more heterosexual marriages and couplings that began around the same time frame. See another thing in that deal is, they're bound together for love. Especially in areas where the thought of gay marriage makes people wince, people openly state they'd rather see children in an orphanage than a gay home, no gay unit benefits, nothing. It is what is between them, not what is between them and society.

Speaking of personal conclusions mine is now, that she is bisexual at best. While I could be wrong, she and I had a conversation that seemed to give her away and the way she was speaking and approaching the topic it didn't seem fluid. Anyhow we got into a conversation which eventually lead to how our parents perceive us in different situations. I went on and told her that when I bring a girlfriend home, if I ever do, parents will accept it or not. They start yelling, not much I can do. She then proceeded on about if she brought a girlfriend home "supposedly", that her parents wouldn't approve thus she can't do that. She has to be with a man. She had a tense change, and I didn't call her on it. She kept herself in the present "how it is" tense. Then I mentioned jokingly what if she brought me home again. She said the parents wouldn't be happy, see how much they'd throw at us and say they'd never see us again. She then went on and laughed and said, no matter how she felt she could never do that to her parents. They've provided too much to displease them now. She said marrying a man of a different religion, race or nationality would be bad enough. A woman is not even to be considered. As I sit here thinking about the conversation, which if I had the transcript of it probably would of proved her slips better than anything else I can try repeating here, and I wonder how long she'll tolerate pleasing her parents. I could be wrong but straight women just don't put themselves in lesbian shoes like that and word it that way. I doubt much more a straight woman would merge in talking as if it were in the here and now; the straight woman I'd assume would keep everything a maybe or possibly or could be sense at the most. Yet for the time being, just having that conversation I guess, caused something in me to pretty much lose interest in her as a crush. I don't know what it was, but since that conversation, I have thought nothing of her in a more than friendly fashion. Which is good for me, now. This may finally be stamped case closed, I don't know, but sounds good enough for me.

I think just about everything has been covered here but I'll add in my $0.02 I think the manual wouldn't be bad. I mean we're not exposed to homosexual sexuality like we are heterosexual sex. Actually to think of a woman is a half bit job because even though there is a grasp of what can be done, you have to fill in the blanks which personally for me is a task I've yet to master. Yet on the orgasm portion, it really depends on your lover too. If you've got a half hearted partner gay or straight its going to be a blah experience. You can have the best looking man around but if his skills are horrible and he is extremely one sided on his own pleasure well you're probably not going to get squat out of it personally. Now on the other hand, you have the man that you love and he is decent to good, all is well and given that he is truly is one that you're attracted to, unlike with a woman, orgasm will not only be more easily achieved I presume but also much more satisfying. With all due respect going to the fact that the brain is the main sex organ. Brain doesn't like it, nothing is going to go right. Brain is happy, so is the rest of the body.

Isn't that nice. To think some of these people are probably ones who fret like nothing else over the fact we'll be in committed, long term relationships someday and possibly even married. Hm. What standards. That I agree fully with. At your age and mine people a lot of people say they'll last forever with their partner, well needless to say, if that is true I've been through a lot of forevers in my life. Then others just want to live the moment, get as much done as they can in their youth because it is like they believe there is no life after commitment and marriage. Honestly for myself, I think that is just a better step up in life and sign of being stable and mature. Not many want to look at it like that then again. I've actually softened a deal about the idea of marriage (gay or otherwise) and thinking it is a step I'll probably take eventually if the law somewhere will allow a future partner and I to do so. It is me just growing older I think that has helped, thinking more towards family and what is to come eventually. I don't strive to live all my youth and have all the experiences now. I think I might need to allow all experiences to come fluidly and enjoy life. Nonetheless, it isn't a popular thought pattern it seems these days. Yet neither of us are ruining our lives like others are with such behavior. Building up towards alcoholism, addiction, contracting an STD, so forth. They still have that sense of adolescent immortality that they cannot be burnt. Well I presume with those individuals its going to take a huge smack over the head with the reality stick in order for it to click in that This isn't the land of fun and games where no one gets hurt. I love your points in that paragraph but for lengths sake I'll quote one sentence. It is true. I was out just the other night to an event where I was receiving a Scholarship honor. Dressed in a suit, that itself made many people turn their heads at whatever angles to look. Some you could see were whispering to each other as I looked for my table. I am trying to be myself but it really is a downer when you can't dress in what is comfortable for you because of stereotypical profiling. While yes I am a lesbian, what about the woman who is straight as can be and just thinks it is more comfortable wear? She gets labeled too. I could tell the women in this room had already made their decisions. The men were more open. Came up shaked hands, couple hugs, pat on the back. General stuff. The women for most part wouldn't of touched me with a ten foot pole hadn't it been the husbands and sons came to congratulate me here and there. There was but one woman who (I knew already) came up and approached me easily. It was a sad affair. Some just treat us more like nuclear waste than fellow humans. It is true about the flirting. You'll see, even at this event I was at, they mingle and see a man or woman who they haven't put any stereotypes to and will approach. They converse merrily without problem and no one cares. I or a gay man approach another in such a manner we have to stay on guard to make sure we're not going to get hurt over it. I can't even approach some women just for casual conversation because they get the jitters that I'm trying to 'seduce' them. Unless my words and tongue are one heck of a persuasive seduction team that leaves the woman fretting that she is going to come along with me through sudden temptation, they really have nothing to fear. Furthermore, one night stands are not appealing to me, no seduction needed in that case anyhow. Mmhmm. Just keep watching, it gets worst, progressively. I spend a deal of my do nothing time just watching others converse. One part of gaining social skills and understanding others is watching interaction but I will say a deal of it is disturbing. Way people treat another and the basis for which they do or make assumptions on in order to accept or decline. The bad part is how many become fellow outcasts because of labels being thrown around like confetti, constantly. We are not alone in that.

Think I worded that improperly, she isn't living with them currently but she is still under their thumb thinking wise. She still manages to receive such a load of stress and pressure from them I don't think she'd change her views unless she went off their radar completely but that is doubtful to happen. She has it embedded that whatever her parents say is the right way. That is one reason she had such a brief problem with me, not knowing how to cope because like she tells me. Her two most important people are (1) her mother (2) me. Of course we are polar opposites. The worst part is, she might as well be living with them. They still influence her decisions so heavily she is an extension yet to cut the apron strings in certain ways. It isn't just the religion she belongs to but the parents plus the religion pushing that does it. Nonetheless, there isn't any real way to approach the topic and get an honest answer from her. I think she'd deny to her dying day if it meant losing the approval of her family. For myself, I've pretty much decided, crush on her or not I need to get on with my life. I think I may need to become slacking on our conversation. Like reverting back to just emails. Because with the more in depth kind of contact it just isn't doing me any good on this crush. I don't want to but think its the last option. See if it helps any.

Well wishful thinking at the moment is that I won't see him again, unfortunately that probably won't happen. I'll try talking to him in such a manner as you suggested Ballys, then if he just cannot get the idea I'm going to go the road you both suggested about the situation. That was my thought. Since I've recognized the fact I'm a lesbian I've always had at least a minor attraction to her, but not without cause. That is my problem as I've documented in more posts than I have fingers. Before I really started coping with sexuality, I notice now, she'd do things that often are listed in articles and what not about "How lesbians flirt." she actually almost hit the whole list at one point. Yet when she was doing such things I was still in my teeter totter stage of being Homophobic or being in Love with women and I entirely rejected any of this close behavior and acted disgusted by the whole lot she laid upon me. Later on when I opened myself towards it, more accepting. She quit. Out of the blue. She changed her once before somewhat accepting idea of homosexuality. I spent the next years up until I recently came out to her listening to her spewing the homophobic stuff but never at the insanity level I reached in trying to protect myself. We parted our ways for the higher education route with her believing I was still a raging homophobic too. I toned it down and finally quit, when I was content with my sexuality. Then when I came out she acted like she was hurt she wasn't the first to be told and we worked it out eventually though. Yet all the same she had been homophobic before that is why I was worried. Still there were acceptance and rejection assumptions on both sides. Needless to say, we met again in person not too long ago, we needed that make up and catch up time between us. Relating back to being vague, she has been with her boyfriends, always. Like when we did catch up her mother whom is currently hating my guts for all she is worth, enlightened the situation by adding in how she had recently broke up with a man. Then because I, obviously at that moment by steretypical lesbian profiling, her mother knew I was a lesbian she nearly blew her head off at the both of us over it. Not a pretty scenario. She spent forever about how confused she was to feel about homosexuality because the bible says "No" and the humanity side says, "Yes" and what not and so forth. Since then she had been searching for a boyfriend and got one. Like I say, very very murky about the boyfriends and I don't even know the details and don't ask because I don't get much so I don't bother anyhow. Now suddenly she is dating this guy which I think I knew in HS that went to the same University as she, and both have been attending. If it is and I think so, he is a good man and well off, quite a combination that is why it threw me off as well. Yet in the final analysis herein lies the problem. We do happen to have one major difference in our thought and value patterns. She is entirely absolutely stuck to a family oriented, men rule, care for your family before others, follow every word and tradition ways and the bible dictates most. She is a follower. She likes the tried true without controversy. I on the other hand was raised in this environment and thought, "Oh well, if family doesn't like, family doesn't like it. I'm going to be happy." I have a screw tradition kind of attitude to put it crudely and I make my own personal decisions and if it goes with the family thats a plus, I think. I'm independent. For me a little controversy never hurt too much. That is the problem. Despite for all reality purposes I should let go, these little actions, words, wishes, and to-do's are really crushing my ability, to well, end this crush. There is just something about her that will not let me rest my case like I have did with other women that said they were straight, true or not. I often think I'd be better off if she'd be more attached to her boyfriend. More driven to settle down and have a family. Less following of me. But like I say, she is so vague about her boyfriends it is like she either just does not care or doesn't want me to know that much, for whatever reasons. Most women I know, if they had the guy she has right now, they'd be doing at least some parading around or show some sign of life about that novelty romance stage. Far as I can tell, they'd be better platonic roommates than the two of us. I've hinted at it before and after the coming out fact, or she has made assumptions or brought it up herself. She has made comments about it would be "Extremely wrong in so many ways" if a woman wanted to kiss her in a mouth to mouth way. She used to insist that people can be gay as long as they're not gay around her. She hasn't said the latter recently, but used to a lot. Then again she used to make openly homophobic statements too and quit that. One reason I didn't come out to her sooner. Yet despite she says all these things she talks as would a man or openly out lesbian flirting/hitting on me. Other times she has asked me odd questions pertaining to being Out and being in love with woman and who I have feelings for. Well I can't quite be honest ("You're my one and only crush. How do you feel?") about it so I have to beat around the bush. Then when she wasn't dating a man and we'd play these crush "games" she'd insist it was no one or if she said someone it was like she was trying to seek my approval of the idea first. All of this confuses me. She insists she wants nothing to do with same sex affection, visually physically mentally so forth yet on the other hand she displays so many things and presents so many questions.

That he is, yes.

This post is really just an accumulation of happenings for what is it worth and my handful of problems. Far as the title goes, I've gotten this one statement from both my best friends recently and I'm not sure why and in a way I think I should be complimented but in still another it bothers me extremely. My friend and I were talking about what we want to do family wise in the years to come. She mentions to me the whole husband and kids, thing. Fine by me of course as I'm talking "Wife" and kids. Then she suddenly states out of the clear blue, "I really wish you were a man." Of course as the conversation and comments went on someone telling me I happen to have the wrong plumbing for romance was not quite appealing. Yet in another way she was telling me she loves my personality and who I am. My best male friend, he did this too. In a humorous way but nonetheless, he made a comment about how he wished I were a gay man and how wonderfully compatible we'd be if so. How in the world is one supposed to respond to these comments? The male friend, he does this kind of offbeat humor and comments at times and with the way it was presented it didn't bother me much. I think it is partially the fact he is a man too. The female friend on the other hand I just didn't know whether to be warm or cold it was an odd sensation trying to come up with a response. On a whole other note, my best friend who I have this crush on. This crush as many may know from my posts is like a bad weed that just won't die no matter what you try, it keeps coming up time after time. Any how I told her I wanted a roommate; I told her that I'd like not to be alone at Grad school; I told her how I want to travel. She is taking me up on all three of these. None of these were directed specifically at her either, just general statements. She said that the Grad schools I want to go to have the same major she is interested in with quality programs that she'd like to try applying too, it would look good and I'd be there most probably if all worked out at one of them. She said that if that does work out she'd be more than willing to share rent or bills if I get approved for this small home and land I've been investigating and will one of these days go out and look at in person before making any commitments of course. She offered one of these days when we have a free open summer we should travel where we can afford, two of us. Thats all fine and dandy I suppose BUT she has a boyfriend now I believe. She is being awfully vague about this one. Nonetheless, If I'm right with the guy that she is going out with, he is a lot better off than I am financially and if she went to a Grad school with him and worked out to living together, she'd have it a lot better off than living with her fiscally tight lesbian who if it isn't falling down, not too many holes in the roof and is within budget its liveable and has budget living to an art. It just struck me odd, because if one spoke so highly of whom I presume to be a boyfriend, wouldn't you rather stay where the boyfriend is? More so stay in state where you'd get the In State tuition, cheaper living costs, see your boyfriend daily without doing it LDR style, and get Grad schools of a decent caliber in that major? For that I think she has had some decent offers for in state schools and nonetheless, if she lived with the boyfriend like I mentioned he has a well off family so I don't think they'd be living out in the boonies somewhere just because its cheaper and it isn't a metro apartment place, like I am prone to. More importantly, as the purpose of this section, I don't know as though I could live comfortably with her. I have a horrendous crush, and I've tried just about everything to kill it except admitting to her how I feel and no contact, both of which I have deemed pointless and futile to myself. Yet, this crush will not go away. I think it in part is one reason why I just cannot click with any of these new women I am meeting who are obviously and openly bisexual or lesbians, more so. Needless to say it is really starting to bother me, and I am at my wits end nearly over it. I can't get rid of it by imperfections sake either. I can't really find any fault with her. She has never annoyed me, we never argue, we know the living style of each other too so it isn't like I can use that against her, she has the same ideals as I do, we have the same level of organization and the list goes on. I can find absolutely nothing to do with this problem. On another problematic attraction level, there is a guy who will not leave me alone. I'm thinking eventually I'm going to need a restraining order against him or something drastic. He is not a popular guy, I have nothing against the stereotypical "nerd" as he is down pat but that and his mannerisms do not make him first choice with others. He has the social skills of a cucumber. I really hate being mean about someone but this is no prize winner and no matter what I say, how polite or how harsh it does not sink in. At times he will follow me like a lost puppy. Telling him I am a lesbian does not scare him in any shape or form in terms of his wanting to date me (which he was quite blunt about the attraction, one more turn off, had to be there to get the full effect of his asking out method). I actually think this was a mistake that made him want to pursue me even more, fueled his efforts. He hasn't quite made it to stalker status yet and if I have my way it won't but needless to say, have we had such cases one can reflect on that will work when everything else won't? I'm really not wanting to make a scene of this but my patience which is usually extensive is slowly dwindling via his efforts. Edited: Because fickle wasn't the word I was looking for.

As others have mentioned there are a couple roads with this situation. (A) You're not interested and have plans for the future thus a relationship is not feasible. Of course if she is that hell bent on you, she'll probably wait her heart out for you to be "ready". (B) You could say you're gay and go away. Yet, if she is a gossip type, the rest of the office will know when you walk in the door the next morning. Nonetheless, she may be nice now but I've met a lot of women who were gossip driven and when they get mad, nothing was below them in rumorville. © You are flattered by her attention but you're not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Period. I think that may end up being the best because it does not give her the gossip opportunity as much as you didn't give the direct reason, nor did you give her the idea that there may be a chance in the future to follow up on. She kind of reminds me of this guy that is bothering me now. Though the difference in the situation is he knows I'm a lesbian and still cannot get the idea to go take a hike. Some people, just don't know what to say about them taking up on certain liberties.

Sounds like quite the fun group to work with, my coworkers are so uptight it isn't even funny. I'd like to trade them in sometimes if I could. Yes, some women are just open and have no qualms about such comments because they're secure in their sexuality, there is nothing to hide or fear really, and it is light hearted fun for most. Mmhmm, reminds me of my friend. Then again, sometimes she surprises me at the oddest times. I think that might be the best, she may just be really open and friendly as such and since you seemed to take it all in stride or humor there is no harm. If so she may assume the other coworker is not as open, didn't click or doesn't want to know her as well for some reason. I'm sure her intentions will show soon if she is that brazen. If she isn't straight I doubt after all this she will have any problems bringing it up but most women I've met that are lesbians and myself included, wouldn't be that outgoing with a woman we like for the fear that we'd have problems. I'd actually be more free feeling like that if I didn't like the woman that way. So its probably nothing to worry any about.

I think it really depends on the individual woman. I had a woman who said she was straight, had her head on my lap or shoulder half of the time, she'd make comments about how another woman looked, etc... For her it was all normal behavior. Other women, such as my best friend and next closest female friend, if I told either of them about what a cute this or that they had, I'd probably get slapped or verbally repremanded for it, friend or no friend. It just varies. You could always question more playful than serious about her attraction to you and everything, that may actually get more answers than if you got her into a corner and started asking yes or no questions.