This is probably going to be longer. I will be grateful for your responses.
Let me start by telling you that last month was pretty rough for me because of school. In a month I am taking a school leaving exam so that is the reason why I have been busy because all of the studying.
We were together for almost 1.5 year (Im 19,shes 18), she broke up with me week ago.
Last month I wasnt able to meet with her that often because of school (we are at the same one but she is in grade 2 and I am in grade 4), she was really sad about it but I always met her at the weekends except one week when I was at the vacation with family for 4 days. We had a serious talk once during that month. She told me that it really bothers her how we dont spend that much time together, that she has mixed feelings about me and she is not sure if she loves me anymore. After that conversation I woke up and tried my best, I organised my time better and was able to meet her more often. During week I accompanied her on her way home from school, she would invite me in, and at the weekend we were also together. It was a lot better, we were chatting a lot and it was getting better. She would text me how she is looking forward to be with me and we were also intimate.
Then something went wrong again, she was quiet with me, did not talk that much, and I was suffering as well because I could se that something is wrong again (she had some problems at home too) I really tried to be there for her, listen to her. Then again it was better, we were chatting a lot but I realized that I am the one who always initiated the conversation so for once I did not write her and she didnt initiate.
Next day at school I went to her and she looked devastated (probably because I didnt write her - you know, for that time we were together, we wished each other good night almost every night). But when she saw me when I entered her classroom, she went happy in a moment, she had a smile on her face and I could tell that she is happy to see me. I sat next to her, we were holding hands, talking. I mentioned that I have a lot to study during weekend so I am not sure if I am going to able to meet her this weekend. As I said that, she automatically stoped holding my hands and was disappointed.. I had to go because my class was beginning, but I went to here again druing next break. Told her I want to make her company on her way home, she refused at first but I told her that I insisnt and she agreed.
I had to wait her because she had another class so I went to a store to by her something sweet to cheer her up. When we met, she didnt want to take the sweets, she was quiet, I asked if she wants to talk about something in private, she agreed (I knew what is going to happen). We sat on a bench, I asked her what is going on and she said: I am not happy in this relationship.
I told her that I really care about her and want to make her happy, and (I dont know why but I said this) if breaking up is going to make her happy... I asked her if she wants it this way: she nodded yes.... We hugged, I told her to take the sweets and give it to her little sister, she was crying, sobbing, I was comforting her. We hugged and went different ways... (I also told her that I wont be able to remain friends with her - I just cant, she is my best friend, well, was I guess, but I would not be able to do that, she understood)
Those hours after that were terible, I felt dead inside, could not do anything, I started to realize what actually happened. In the evening I wrote her this:
I know that I should not write you right after break up, but I wont follow those make up rules same as I didnt follow them after we first met each other and I wrote you on next day (she was always making a fun of me that I wtote her that soon but always told me how glad she was) Im not going to be like others because what is important is that you are not the same as the others, I am going to be on a playground in front of you house at 9pm, if you want to talk come outside, if not, I will accept that and I will wish you all the best in your life.
Its 9AM. I am there, she wasnt online, she didnt read my message... (I should text her I know, but I wasnt thinking back then) Well, I see there is a light in her room. So I decided to grab some gravel, and threw few tiny rocks to her window (I could not tell if I hit, it was that dark) It was like 9:20 back then and I didnt know what to do next, suddenly she is outside, I rushed to her and hugged her, she heard the rocks and knew it was me (I always told her that once I am going to do that because her window is not that high from the street). She looked depressed, We had a talk- I told her how much I care about her and I want to solve our issues because I truly care about her. She said how she felt when I could not meet her, how painful it was for her. She told me that se could see how I tried the last week, that we were seeing each other more often but that it was too late. She is hurt. She said she likes me a lot but doesnt love me anymore and she made her decision, and that she is sorry bout how it ended, that she didnt want it this way.
So we had this serious breakup talk lets say, we were conforting each other, but we managed to somehow change the topic, and suddenly we were having a great time together, she was laughing, she even took my hand with words: Your palm is freezing let me change that.. And she was holding it since then. We were there for an hour, holding hands, smiling, laughing. It was cold so I asked her if she doesnt want to leave but she assured me that she is having a good time and she doesnt want to leave, she wanted to stay there with me. Then we stood up, had this passionate hug (I could tell that she took a deep breath during that hug like if she wanted to scent my parfume... ) And we were there, eyes to eyes, smiling, (I knew that look in her eyes, I saw it before) I went for a kiss.... But she nodded her head down with words: We cant.. I apologized. She still didnt want to leave, we were still holding hands, it was cold so we entered the , there we were doing the same, hugging, holding hands, she was telling me how she wants me to fulfill my dreams, that now I have as much time as I need. That there are plenty of girls where I am heading (going to study at the university in different city 300kms away) I told her that I have to leave, I could not handle her holding my hands and hugging. I had to leave, Hugged her last time and left .
Next day, No contact, I didnt even go to school because I didnt feel like that.
Day after that: I texted her in the morning that I would like to meet her and say her few things I need to say. I wrote that I know she wants to spend the day with her friends (told me that evening on the playground) so if she has some free time she could text me. She texted me that we can meet after school, that she doesnt have much time but we can.
Firstly I asked about her day, how the things are at home etc. she asked about mine etc. Then she wanted to know why I wanted to see her what I have to say, I said we should go sit somewhere to have some privacy so we started to heading to one place.. While walking we had a talk, you could hear that we had different voices, were talking more quiet but it was pretty rich on the content.. So we sat down on bench and started talking:
I know that sometimes you felt like being a hindrance in my life but that is not true (she was feeling like that sometimes), you are my goal and I rather have school and everything else as hindrance than vice versa, I know that I wont be able to forgive myself about screwing it, but I wont be able to forgive myself if I dont try to make it work again. I know that your feelings towards me may have changed but I belive that by showing you that I am here for you, by making you feel the security and safety I could bring those feelings back. We both know that at first was only fantasizing about you, and made an image of you, but I got to know you and you were different (I had a crush on her at first, then we met) but I fell in love with the real you, not the image I had made. I dont expect you throwing over me right now, but I would be glad if we could try it together, because I know that I wont find you again. I would like to start by making you company on your way home. (Well, she wasnt lookin at me when I was saying this, but I think at some points of my monologue she was moved)
Her response: She told me that it was unpleasant that my friend wrote her (I didnt know that he is going to unitl he told me that he did it, he just wanted to help I guess) and that she wrote to him exact things that she wrote to me(the reasons etc.) I agreed that this is only between us and we are the ones to solve this situation, at first, she said that she made her decision, right after that she said that it wont be just like that(the change), and she cant even promise me a chance. We stood up, she said that she would prefer her going home on her own, so I just accompanied her to the bus stop but before that she wanted to go to her friends who were like 10m away from us that moment when we were walking to the bus stop so she hugged me and went to them.
We didnt talk for a week, I wanted to give her some time, I wrote her yesterday, we chatted a bit but her responses were dry I would say.. Even when I tried to lead interesting dialogue (not like, how are you etc..) Then she even didnt respond, she responded at 2:30AM... I read it this morning and it was only a one sentence which I truly cant even reply to.. So her texts were dry, short, we exchanged life 20messages...
Now, I dont know what to do, I really care about her and it hurts me how the things are now. I try to be active, I work out, I feel good about myself and my physique, Also I am doing great at school, I really try to stay calm and not to panic or fall to depression.
I truly care about this girl, We had a beautiful realtionship, We always could communicate and we didnt even fight, we always could talk. We have plenty of memories, but I agree that that last month wasnt great because we didnt spend much time together. And I can tell that she was crazy about me, she really was. We had that connection. I dont want to surrender, it is just something I cant do, I am honestly willing to suffer than just surrender and walk off, and people may even tell me crazy but I wont, especially then, and if this is not the love worth fighting for, then nothing is worth fighting for.
But I start to overthink, like if there is maybe someone else, Last month, she mentioned me she know that someone has a crush on her but that that someone know about me. She was telling it as a fun I also took it like that (we were together in her room then, it was that better period of last month) But when I saw her during the break at school (that day she broke up with me) I saw she was texting with someone, she was showing me spotify playlist and I saw the messenger head of some boy. And during next break she was texting again with somebody and when I wanted to look at time because I had a classm shen I picked her phone which were right in front of me and wanted to look, she took it and showed me time on the classmates phone - it was weird
Look, I trust her, but I start to overthink which is not the best.
I hope that someone made it through, and I wish you the best.