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jameswan

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  1. I agree, thats its partially my fault for fostering such behavior, but i have not misrepresented myself to her. She did not live with me at first so i always had to do the chores in the first place. As time goes by, she gradually “moved” in with me; staying from 1 time a week to gradually 3-5 times a week over the span of 2-3 years. I wouldnt expect her to do chores if she was staying maybe 1-2 times a week with me, so its natural for me doing all the chires as it is my house and my mess that ik cleaning up. When she pretty much stayed 3-5 days a week, nothing really changed with regards to the chores. At first i did not really mind, as i was basically doing the same thing for the past years anyways, but eventually the more she stayed the more i realize that there is an imbalance. It is not that i was inauthentical, as i generally do not mind doing chores, as long as she contributes as well or atleast offers to do so. If she would only do cooking and ironing for example, and do the rest i wouldnt even mind. It was not intentional to foster an environment where i had to do everything in the house, but due to ambiguity in whether she was a “guest” in my house or actually living with me, the current pattern of chores was maintained by both of us. This does not make it right or wrong...
  2. Thanks for the advice, im 33 and she is 26, almost 27. I do have a tendency to stay in relationship because i have invested a lot of time in my partner . Furthermore, i always try and have a positive and constructive attitude when it comes to working on the relationship. I can always convince myself that its not bad and that it will be alright in the end, which it always has. But when facing the question, whether i should continue and marry her, or set her free, i’m lost. I truly believe that she is great, and possess alot of good qualities. When it comes to compatibility, i believe we mostly are on the same wavelengtht when it comes to kids, carreer, plans, interest, but it usually differs on the “how” question rather than the “what”. We have different way of doing things, such as copign witth problems, raising and teaching kids, and even our pets, even to do point of how we do chores. I sometimes wonder if my expectations of my oartner are not just way too high or unrealistic, which controlibutes to my “unhappiness”. I like how you phrased the first paragraph, because i do have a tendency to overthink thinks, or over rationalizing thoughts.
  3. Hi all, Currently, I am in a 5 year relationship with a lady who is around 7 years younger than I am. The past years have not always been great, but it has not been terrible either. From the outside we seem a good a couple and seemingly have it all, but on the inside we have our fair share of problems. These problems are mainly the result of my inability to take our relationship to the next step, namely marriage and eventually children. This has been the discussion for the last 1-1,5 years now and currently my partner is giving me an ultimatum: either fully commit and marry her or part ways. The past maybe 3-4 years i have been trying to know myself, and find out what i want in life, because it seems that no matter how successful I am, I don't know whether i'm happy or not. I'm not sure whether I am capable of being happy or can only be "content". This currently mainly affects my relationship as my partner does not know whether i'm happy with her, and whether i will stay with her. I understand that it's difficult for her, because i currently do not give her security that she needs and wants from me. She is afraid that I'll leave if i have found my answer to happiness which may not include her in the picture. She has been patient, but has also pushed me the past years to make a decision, because she wants to follow her planned out timeline of marriage and having kids at her ideal age. For me, marriage is not a must, but i'll do it for my partner if i'm ready. For some reason, something is holding me back of actually proposing to my partner and i'm not sure why. I had doubts of us before, but can not pinpoint what exactly is the issue. She is nice and pretty, has a good relationship with my family, loves kids, and is supportive in whatever i do. Sometimes though, i feel like our relationship is imbalanced, in the sense that i'm contributing more than she does. For example, i cook, bring in the money, do groceries, wash the dishes, wash clothes, iron them, vacuum etc.... sometimes i feel like i have a daughter. Although she changed, and picked up some of the chores, it still feels like i'm doing the bulk of the things. She is also always negative about things, while i'm more positive. She always has problems with work, friends and family, which i need to help with every day. Even though i love to help, its sometimes exhausting hearing negative things every day. This has made me anxious about the future with her... what do i have to when we get married? What will happen if we have kids? Will i have to do everything? Will she be negative about everything? She has grown impatient of waiting for me... and i feel guilty aswell for making her wait for my decision. I don't want to waste our time, because i'm not sure what to do. On one hand, i believe she might be a good wife, but on the other hand i'm afraid and doubtful of something that i myself don't even know what it is.... I have had difficult youth, which i went to therapy for. The bottom line is that i have grown to be very rational, and rarely emotional to the point that i'm a robot, monotone emotions. This makes me to believe that im unable to love or feel the excitement of happiness, which makes me believe that i'll feel more than "content". For example, i have never missed my partner (or exes) in the past and have never had "butterflies" in my stomach. I don't even know what a crush or feeling in love means to be honest...which makes me a robot. Some of my friend say that i'm just incapable of doing that, or that i have not found the right lady that could make you feel that way... I'm not really sure what to do right now... take a leap of faith and marry her? or... leave a potentially good partner in search for my "happiness"? I'm stuck in a dilemma... Sorry for the long post, i hope some of you might be able to give me advice or shed some light on certain things... or share your experiences. James
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