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TaraMbohaidi

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  1. Hello everyone, I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. We have had a long distance relationship. I left my country to join him and although I have lived in Germany for a year we only recently moved into the same place. I had always wanted to get married to him but we didn’t really discuss it before he proposed so it was a bit of a shock. I said yes anyway and spent 2 months adjusting. At first I thought the shock may just have been regular engagement nerves but now I’m not sure I want to marry him anymore? We don’t have much in common. I’m a devout Christian and he sometimes mocks my faith. He only recently warmed up to the idea of kids, iv always wanted them. I can pick out more differences than I can commonalities but according to many, this isn’t a problem. My problems: * He is very violent in his speech. Often condescending and sarcastic and mean. It hurts me deeply, he apologizes and repeats a few days later. It’s like automatic. * He shouts and yells and treats me like a child. I haven’t got my drivers license and he has to help me with a lot of my documents because the system here is daunting and foreign. But he does it when he wants to and I have to kiss his ass first. * He watches me cry when I’m upset about something he has done and doesn’t react. On many occasions id cry in the car for 2 hours and it’s like I’m not even there. For me someone crying is a big deal. I don’t know if I cry so much that he is now desensitized or if he just doesn’t care? * Im looking for a job. It’s stressful and I don’t speak German fluently either. We chose to move in together and move out of Berlin to a smaller town for his job which isn’t the best idea for my career but I was willing for our relationship. It’s depressing because I’m really struggling to find something and he has picked up the habit of insinuating he works hard and I just sit around doing nothing. * He belittles my bouts with depression and says I’m just not focused and need to get over it and work and stop being lazy. * He calls me his little egg - because I’m so fragile. * He must be stressed at work and he takes it out on me. I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells I don’t want to upset him and get into trouble. But it’s also putting distance between us as I feel I can’t share things unless I know it won’t irritate him. * I feel when I express my emotions he doesn’t take me seriously n plays along to revert things back to normal but it never changes. * Yesterday he hurt me with his sharp tongue and I responded in silent treatment. When I was ready to talk he was unresponsive and has been ignoring me for 2 days now. But he is the one that hurt me - why has he turned the tables? * I think his dad was a bit emotionally abusive to him and his mom, she was always depressed and crying. I wonder if this adds to why he treats me like this? * He has bad night terrors and screams and talks in his sleep at least 3 nights in a week. He strangled me twice in his sleep but unconsciously (it could have been anyone don’t think it’s got anything to do with me). His sister attempted suicide and his mom was always depressed. His dad was very very hard on him. I have told him to seek counseling but he is not proactive. I understand that context can get lost and I am by no means perfect. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sad. I don’t know anymore what to expect from a relationship. If it’s just a rough patch, if things will change, if I am indeed overly sensitive and dependent. I am too ashamed to call of the engagement, my parents would be embarrassed. And I do think I love this man but I’m not sure if these are warning signs or just the pains that come with transitioning from long distance to living with each other. I am so far from home. I have no friends in this country and don’t want to let any of my real friends or family know what’s happening. Please help me 😭😭😭
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