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Grizzly584

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  • Birthday 04/06/1986

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  1. @Lambert Thanks...that's all good advice. Also wondering about when the queues remain positive but you still don't meet their criteria. I guess your third paragraph addresses that. Or you could always just find out what their 'checklist' is through conversation...down the road.
  2. This is an unusual twist to a topic that's been brought up often. I'm one of those reclusive types, so do not have much real-world experience to go by, but would like to change that if quarantine ends. I did "luck out" in the facial-aesthetics department (not bragging, as you'll see..just explaining the circumstances). So I almost always get the stunned/attractive eyes from girls/women, repeated eye contact, etc. And they're almost always eager & willing to converse initially. However, I'm only 5'8". I wouldn't think twice about this if it weren't for the consensus I've seen online...height is generally the most important physical feature, and many women have strict cutoffs here. I hadn't even thought about this for years, but then I saw a 5'9" YouTuber girl doing a Q&A session, and she was asked "would you date someone shorter than you?" She reacted with a cringe and mockery, and everyone thought it was funny. This set off an alarm for me and reactivated an old concern. It seems that, if a man's on the short side, being average-looking (or below) would actually be easier. Why? Because if she's not interested, she won't send any signals (or will just reject you) and you won't waste your time. But if she's initially attracted, it will come through (because it's involuntary) and you won't be rejected outright, or right away. They might even continue acting interested, because they're still acting on their feelings (attraction) and not their numerical height requirement. Still, just based on stats, there has to be a percentage of women that have the height as a deal-breaker, no matter what they feel or what their first impression was. I already expect this if they're my height or taller...but if they're in the 5'6"-5'7" range, it's the trickiest. At some point down the line, they'd have to make it known that he doesn't pass her checklist. So in this case, when she's still attracted to him instinctively, how exactly does she do the rejecting? I know from experience they don't do it when you first start talking. So would most women do it as soon as he first asks her out...or is she likely to keep 'leading him on' for a while, even to the point of dates or making out, and then find a subtle way to disappear? This doesn't just apply to height...the same thing exists with income, race, and all other objective criteria the guy doesn't meet. Nothing's more frustrating than having things seem good and then disappear out of the blue. So I'm hoping I can get an idea of how to spot and prevent it ahead of time.
  3. Interesting...all the 'extreme' opinions were expressed in the morning, and all the 'middle-of-the-road' ones in the evening.
  4. That's true too, and I don't think I would...I don't even have family here in So-Cal, and prefer to keep my prospects here. It's only the puzzling behavior I'm questioning, since it can apply to others. But yeah, she was probably trying to be gracious towards the mother...so why couldn't she just let it go instead of continuing dangling the carrot when my mother wasn't even there?
  5. In this particular case, because she lived out of the country and I can't text/call internationally. Just to confirm, maew, you're female too, right? Your gender doesn't show up. I just wanted to make sure, because I found it interesting that you had an opposite take on the situation from everyone else.
  6. Oh, I'm not even thinking about pursuing her...I just used this as an example to illustrate the point, because it was the clearest I one I could think of. Again, this was years ago anyway.
  7. This is a common pattern I've seen, and I wanted to see if any women here could offer their perspective. Here's a story (one example of several) from a few years ago. I met a young woman while visiting my mother out of the country (the two were already good friends). She and I chatted, exchanged emails, and she seemed only somewhat interested in me as a person. A couple of months down the road, we had added each other on Facebook, and I sent her a message (to initiate conversation) when she was online. I tried again a few weeks later, because I wasn't sure if my first one went through. Later on, Messenger showed she had read and ignored both of them. So it was clear I was beating a dead horse...I deleted her and wrote her off. When I was visiting my mother again (later that year), the young woman was there again. My mom asked, "Do you remember our son, (my name)?" and she (unexpectedly) said "Yes, of course!" with her face and eyes lighting up as if I were her knight in shining armor. She reached out to hug me and kiss me on the cheek, as if taking it for granted that I would be thrilled to see her. When I saw her around town the next few days, whenever we made eye contact, she would give the 'attracted/flirty' expression. Then when she saw me alone, she came up and touched me and asked me how I was. I remained aloof and said "fine, thanks" without even making eye contact. She then continued, saying "nice to see you" in a forceful tone, as if frustrated that I didn't reciprocate. Also, she had a boyfriend by then too...I still think she was just seeking attention. Still, I'm wondering if there's any motivation you're aware of for this inconsistent behavior with messages vs. in-person. Also, why (in cases like this) would she proceed as if she hadn't blown me off and we were always on the best of terms?
  8. I had been 'courting' this girl off-and-on for three years. She works at a restaurant I deliver for--she's an employee; I'm an independent contractor. I then began eating there frequently when she was there--she always showed interest, making it more obvious as time went on--touching me, calling me her love, asking about my life, etc. I'm a novelist, and she bought a hard copy of my book--says she's going to read it and then her sister is. The last few months (until this week), she had no car, so I would drive her from this restaurant to her second job. It's a natural route for me throughout the day, so I wasn't going 'out of my way' for her (at least it didn't look like it). The last couple of Fridays, her shift at the second place didn't start for an extra hour, so she asked me if I wanted to hang out for that time. We had two mini pseudo-dates (lunch & iced coffee--back-to-back Fridays). Conversation went well--we discussed our short-term and long-term plans, she wanted to go door-knocking with me to help me flip houses (she's the outgoing charismatic one), and she wanted to use the book I wrote for a college book report. She also insisted on paying for lunch/coffee in exchange for me driving her (I took her up on the coffee the second time, but not the lunch the first time). We did have a plan for Knott's Berry Farm a couple of weeks ago, but it fell through, because she said she wanted to 'take it easy' that Saturday evening (which actually meant going clubbing with her friends, as her Snapchat proved), so I ended up selling the tickets. When we hung out this last Friday afternoon, though, she did show interest again. My birthday is this Saturday (the 6th). She had gotten me a Christmas gift that's still at her house, and I said we'd have to make that a birthday gift instead. She insisted on doing both, so I said (half-teasing) that the birthday one could be taking me somewhere. She asked what day it fell on, and seemed excited when I said Saturday (the one day she's free). I playfully said, "it's fate," and she agreed. During that time together, she would have me feel her hair, ask me how her lipstick looked, laugh hard at a few not-that-funny things I said, etc. I agreed to pick her up at midnight (from her second job) that night and drive her back to where her car was parked. She unexpectedly brought a co-worker, asking if he could get a ride too. Her plan was then to take him on a ride to pick up her sister from the airport, then take everyone home. She invited me to come along, but I declined, as there seemed to be no point...I didn't want to appear too eager, and I would have preferred spending time with her one-on-one (didn't actually say this last part). When she said goodbye that night (before she got in her car with the co-worker), she leaned in and hugged me, then got out of my car, then got back in and hugged again (as if soliciting a kiss). I now see she may have been fishing for one, but the other guy (a stranger to me) was standing a few feet away. Also, she told me with certainty that she wanted to hang out 'tomorrow' (now 2 days ago), and that she would hit me up after work (and if not then, Sunday for sure). She said she'd be getting off at work early afternoon and would call and see what I was doing; I planned my delivery route around this. When Saturday actually came, she never contacted me after work. I sent a casual conversational text in the early evening, and she said she had fallen asleep. I told her I got off at 10, and that I could swing by if she were still up for going out for boba (and if not, it was fine since I could keep delivery driving). She finally responded, saying she would "let me know," but never did--only to stay up all night clubbing once again. Her texts throughout this time were briefer and 'cooler' than normal. She never contacted me again after this (which I expected--it's common for her to be gung-ho about a plan, then cease all contact until she sees me in person days or weeks later). I'm now in a catch-22: I know she's not going to contact me again, and if I keep doing the pursuing too aggressively, she could easily become turned off (if she's not already). I have been the only one initiating any contact lately, even when she says she will. So I definitely won't be spending my birthday with her. What I could/should have done differently: I should probably have acted more confident/spontaneous in our first pseudo-date lunch--I was a little tense and caught-off-guard, because I was only expecting a short car ride at that moment. Perhaps I should have also let her pay for lunch, instead of letting my ego get the better of me--this could have helped her see me as a 'provider' type she can use for favors. Finally, I could possibly have found a way to be more assertive and direct in asking her somewhere (like Knotts) early on. Since we've been discussing doing such things for months (but never actually done them), she may have stopped taking the idea seriously. Plan of Action: "Fold my hand." Consider this a 'dropped pearl' and remove all hopes and attachments. I can't be needy and keep doing the pursuing several weeks in a row, so I won't be eating there anymore. I'll see if she contacts me first (which she likely won't), and I have deleted her number from my phone to avoid temptation. If I end up seeing her through work (picking up a delivery), I'll be nonchalant and act as if I only know her professionally and gauge her reaction. Any thoughts? Am I being too pessimistic, or does it sound like she's jerking me around? Note: Even if I were in a committed relationship, I'd have no problem with the girl going to clubs with friends on the weekend while I stayed at home with my books and computer. We'd both be doing the thing we'd rather do at that time, and I value independence and security--it's good to have other pursuits and be able to 'do our own thing' without being controlled or oppressed. That being said: I prefer consistency; since she said she definitely wanted to hang out on Saturday, it seems she was blowing me off by abandoning the idea.
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