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Iamtheworst

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About Iamtheworst

  • Birthday May 8

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  1. I don’t really know where to begin here. My partner and I have been dating for 4.5 years now, and have been engaged a little over a year. He really is my best friend without a doubt, and I do love him. He is 27 and I’m 23. We met back home and I ended up moving to a different state with him because he wanted to go to college in this particular city. I ended up transferring schools and all was great. He took some time off after we moved before starting again, so he has 2 years left while I will be graduating this semester. I’m going to be applying to medical school here soon, and then the plan is to move to wherever I get in (he would be able to most likely get a job anywhere given what he wants to do). We plan on getting married next summer closer to home. It’s important you know how great we are together. We fell in love almost instantly, and progressed our relationship quite quickly. He is the most patient, understanding person you’ll ever meet. I genuinely don’t have a single bad thing to say about his character. We get along great, and when we don’t, we always communicate well and figure out what the issue is. We goof around a lot and are super weird together! Like I said, he is my best friend. However, sometimes it just feels like we’re friends…like there is a lack of romance in the relationship. We rarely have sex…like maybe once or twice a month. We spend a lot of time apart, usually because we are both so busy, but also because when we are home together, we spend time in different rooms. While this is devastating to me and I previously would have just addressed it with him so we could work on improving our relationship, I just don’t want to. I have talked to him about these things in the past. He always says repeatedly how much he loves me and how we’ll ‘figure it out’. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him anymore, at least I don’t think so. Mostly I don’t want to lose him, it’s pure selfishness really. I really do love him and care about him and his family SO much. My family is ty sometimes so his family is really mine at this point. We have our whole future planned out it seems. Which is why I feel so lost and confused right now. I think when it comes down to it and I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure if I want to be with him anymore. It kills me, really. I would be devastated and would lose so much: my best friend, a family, and my entire future. Not to mention, I would lose over 50% of my income. I would not be able to afford living costs AND get ready to go to medical school without financial help that he and his parents provide for us. I know this last part is really selfish…trust me. I also fear the judgment I would receive if we broke off our engagement. It would shock everyone because our relationship seems so perfect from the outside, even to him I think. I feel stuck. Perhaps stuck for the rest of my life. I wonder too if I end things with him I will regret it forever. I don’t think I could ever find another partner as understanding, calm and communicative as he is. Sometimes I just think that I don’t want to be in a long-term relationship in general. I know that can’t be true though. I get lonely easily so I think that would be hard for me. Now that I’ve typed this out I am thinking about giving it to him. I know that this would rip his heart out, and the thought of that makes me want to kill myself (actually). I’m worried I will muscle through the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled because I’m too afraid of the risk and too afraid to hurt someone. If all of this weren’t enough…I’ve also been cheating (basically). My “ex” (it’s complicated) messaged me a few weeks ago. Keep in mind I am wildly attracted to this guy. He is a notorious player and knows all the right things to say. We ended up exchanging sexual conversation (including photos). We stopped talking recently and it made me crave any sexual attention I could get. I started posting nude photos online and ‘sexting’ with several men; one in particular. I know what I’m doing is NOT helping the situation at all. Is it a really ty thing to do, but I also catch feeling quickly for people, so I think when I talk to other people it contributes to my lack of desire for him. I’m not sure why I’m even posting this for everyone to see…maybe for advice, but also because I need to tell someone since I’ve been burying it deep inside. I don’t want anyone to know. All of my friends and family think he is perfect. In some ways he is, but in other ways I feel deeply neglected. He can be very wrapped up in his own world sometimes. I really don’t think he has a clue I feel this way. I have been really good at hiding it, mostly. Other times I’ll get snippy or annoyed with him. So this is my ed up lie of a life. I really appreciate anyone who reads this and would love any feedback. I have a feeling I already know what advice I’ll receive…that I should a) tell him this and/or b) I should break up with him…but I don’t want to…but also do. Tldr; my almost perfect fiancé has become my roommate, and probably has no clue I feel this way. I fear I’m going to lose everything if I end it and fear I’ll hate myself if I don’t.
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