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Everything posted by Alwaystrying

  1. Hello again all, I am so overwhelmed at the response you have all given. It made me cry to see so many people take the time to reply when you have all got your own lives, thank you from the bottom of my heart. From reading all the replies, I see that, yes the best option is for me to finally deal with this in some way. I am not sure which way yet but will re read all of this to form a way forward. Without going into detail as that is the part I am struggling with, and sometimes wonder if I would be believed anyway...... I have been physically, mentally and sexually abused from my earliest memory to the age of 18. Mainly physical, my mum, until she died when I was a young teen, my older brother, during this time and after. Then my uncle carried on until I was so scared for my life I fled in the night at 18. Throughout my school life I was bullied relentlessly. I married at 19 to the first man who showed me affection, he was a controlling alcoholic emotionally abusive cheating man and I finally found the strength to leave after 12 yrs. I moved straight on to the next alcoholic and cheating man and finally with my self esteem at rock bottom, left after 16 yrs. I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment... Then straight onto the next, he was the nice guy, and not my type but he treated me like I was someone special, I finally thought I had hit the jackpot until I found messages from another woman. I didn't stay this time. No million chances for this one. I spent 30 yrs in relationships and have 2 amazing kids. And so here I am on my own for a year by choice, as I cannot trust my heart not to be broken again, and it's for the last few months that my tightly sealed box has been opened. And thank you all, I truly see that it needs to be sifted and let go of. My next step after reading all your replies is firmly within my grasp, she says with fear and trepidation. I'm sad you are all dealing with your own demons, and I wish you all well. I'm so sorry this is so long, but am eternally grateful that I found this board and amazing people and I will ofcourse keep you updated on my journey. Thank you x
  2. Hello I'm nearly 50, single female with amazing family and friends, I try to always be happy and grateful for what I have, however for some reason this year has brought so many memories that I had locked away, to the front of my mind. They are encroaching on every desicion I make, and have completely stopped me from moving forward, for the first time in my life. I no longer feel like the adult, I feel like the abused child again, and memories are becoming more vivid. I feel like someone has lifted the lid on the box that has been chained and hidden away. I don't want to open the box. I want it to stay where I put it over 30 years ago. I have always just accepted that these things happened but I'm still here and I think, relatively 'normal' if there is such a thing. I'm just so confused as to why now, who unlocked the box. I don't want it open, but how can I shut it. For the first time I'm wondering if therapy would be helpful, but I'm scared to say it all out loud. I am extremely aware that it is the reason that I am who I am, however I have never used it as an excuse for my behaviours l no longer know or see how to move forward. Sorry for the long entrance and thank you in advance to anyone who can maybe point me in the right direction.
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