Hello again all, I am so overwhelmed at the response you have all given. It made me cry to see so many people take the time to reply when you have all got your own lives, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
From reading all the replies, I see that, yes the best option is for me to finally deal with this in some way. I am not sure which way yet but will re read all of this to form a way forward.
Without going into detail as that is the part I am struggling with, and sometimes wonder if I would be believed anyway......
I have been physically, mentally and sexually abused from my earliest memory to the age of 18. Mainly physical, my mum, until she died when I was a young teen, my older brother, during this time and after. Then my uncle carried on until I was so scared for my life I fled in the night at 18. Throughout my school life I was bullied relentlessly.
I married at 19 to the first man who showed me affection, he was a controlling alcoholic emotionally abusive cheating man and I finally found the strength to leave after 12 yrs.
I moved straight on to the next alcoholic and cheating man and finally with my self esteem at rock bottom, left after 16 yrs. I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment...
Then straight onto the next, he was the nice guy, and not my type but he treated me like I was someone special, I finally thought I had hit the jackpot until I found messages from another woman. I didn't stay this time. No million chances for this one. I spent 30 yrs in relationships and have 2 amazing kids.
And so here I am on my own for a year by choice, as I cannot trust my heart not to be broken again, and it's for the last few months that my tightly sealed box has been opened. And thank you all, I truly see that it needs to be sifted and let go of. My next step after reading all your replies is firmly within my grasp, she says with fear and trepidation.
I'm sad you are all dealing with your own demons, and I wish you all well. I'm so sorry this is so long, but am eternally grateful that I found this board and amazing people and I will ofcourse keep you updated on my journey.
Thank you x