RoJo5

Today was supposed to be our wedding day! Sadly, i'm here posting to this forum to release some of the thoughts i have in my head. It's funny how it takes losing someone to realize (fully) just how valuable they are to you. I could kick myself! I wish I'd known just how much those words i said in the heat of the moment affected you. I certainly know now. S, I really do love you despite it all. However, I'm super proud of you for recognizing that this just would not have worked given our current state. You're truly a lovely and awesome woman. I've been seeing a therapist who has been helping me unpack many of the issues i refused to see during our relationship. It helped me to see that our marriage would have never succeeded the way things were. It's Bittersweet really. On the one hand i'm grieving the lose of my best friend and the love of my life. On the other hand, so much has been revealed to me about who i really am! It's really ugly. You don't (didn't) deserve that. You deserve far better. I'm trusting the process and believing that i will come out of this a much better man. If i'm being honest, i'm doing a lot of this for you. But, i know it's best i just do this for myself and hope that my next relationship (whether we reconnect or i meet someone new) is free of the deep rooted darkness that is inside me. Thank You for loving me and showing me so much grace while we were together. I pray nothing but peace and joy over your life... Especially today.