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Calohboy

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Everything posted by Calohboy

  1. Kudos to this guy for being honest with you.
  2. I doubt she knows. She talks to me more than they talk. However, I could be wrong. I guess I’ll find out. I have made up my mind and I will tell her we aren’t seeing each other anymore and that I’d rather not get into why and details. I will also tell her that I value our friendship and that even though her brother and I aren’t seeing each other, I’d still like to be friends. Then, hopefully we can change the subject and talk about things we normally do. We didn’t talk about her brother or our relationship before anyway.
  3. It is true that I do care about what she thinks. Since she doesn’t know her brother very well, it’s also important to me that she doesn’t think he is an ass. My initial thought was to just let her know we weren’t seeing each other anymore, and I just am stressed about how to answer questions if she asks. And I know her well enough that she will ask. I even thought of not saying anything at all, because we don’t normally talk about her brother anyway. But then I thought she may feel deceived if I didn’t say anything about it. I like being honest. But, I don’t feel it’s my place to even bring up my ex’s ex. He was ashamed that he stayed in that relationship so long and that she had a live in boyfriend. But, the fact is that we’d still be seeing each other if she hadn’t shown back up. I doubt he ever told his sister about that relationship. He didn’t tell me until I was tipped off by his son’s wife. And he only met his sister just over a year ago. I think I’m going to just explain to her that it would be better for her to get details from her brother. Our friendship is casual because we’ve only known each other for about 8 months and live 2 hrs away from each other. However, we meet for lunch, she comes to my ranch and rides with me, she has done overnight girls nights here and considers me a good friend. She was battling depression and our friendship has really helped her. I also consider her a good friend.
  4. So...my ex bf’s sister called yesterday. (We’ve been split for 2 weeks and NC) I was busy and said we could chat today. She does not know about the break up that I am aware of. We chat a few times a month and consider each other friends. I’m pretty sure we communicated more than my ex and she did. She would always contact me to make plans to see her brother, lol. Probably because he was always with me on the weekends. The interesting thing is that they actually only met a year and a half ago...shortly before ex and I got together. Do I tell her we broke up? Do I tell her that I ended it? I feel like I need to explain myself if I tell her that I broke it off. If I don’t and he tells her, she may get the wrong idea. I didn’t break it off because I don’t love him. I don’t want to cast him in a bad light either. I do think he loved me, he just wasn’t over his ex and wasn’t honest with me about it. Is it okay to remain friends with his sister or? Help!
  5. I am 49 and I was sexually abused as a child. I can tell you that therapy really helped me, so much so, that I now help other women. I learned that most people don’t deal with it until their fourth or fifth decade. It’s a process that really requires someone that understands and has been through the same type of abuse. So, whatever your abuse entailed, try to find a therapist that specializes in that. I found a free group in my local area years ago. I still get counseling on and off as issues come up. Being aware is the first step. Congratulations.
  6. Definitely tell her the truth. It probably won’t matter, but her finding out later could cause unnecessary trust issues. You got this!
  7. I’m so sorry you are hurting. You have been undervalued and I know what they feels like. However, the truth is that just because she didn’t value you does not mean you aren’t valuable. I know it feels that way right now. You can’t change her and I seriously doubt you want to live a lifetime like this, do you? Get help for depression if you need to and talk to someone about this. No contact will help bring clarity so please block and delete her and do not talk to her for at least 30 days. Of course you have this site and it’s so helpful. I’m hurting too as many of us are. My mantra right now is “I do love him, but I love me more” Here’s the deal, they can’t love people they don’t respect and when we allow them to treat us as less than, not a priority, etc...they lose respect for us and WE lose respect for ourselves. We have to put ourselves and our feelings first because they have proven they won’t! I was also alone on Christmas and New Years for almost the exact reason you were. It hurt so bad. They obviously didn’t care how it affected us. Please put yourself first now and go no contact. Hugs!
  8. Of course this morning I have to fight the battle in my head all over again. I really am hurting. I know I’m doing the right thing and it isn’t easy. It feels so sappy to say, but I truly loved this guy and he lit up my world. People would say I lit up like the 4th of July when we were together. We had fun doing anything together and because I live such a busy lifestyle, I made a point to push the pause button every weekend for him. The first 10 months was total quality time and always fun. Any issues we had which were very few, were super minor and easy to work out. I had no idea that his heart was torn and that he wasn’t over his ex. I honestly thought he loved me the same way that I loved him. When things started to change, it took me 2 months to get to the bottom of it all. In that time I experienced several rejections from him, confusion, and so much inconsistency. My heart and ego and self esteem have taken a pretty good beating. But, at least I know at 49 years old, that I am still capable of loving and trusting. I do feel betrayed somewhat, but I don’t even think he truly understood his feelings until she showed back up. As a matter of fact, I still don’t think he is being completely honest with even himself about what he feels. I know I need to just feel the feelings and I hate it! Had a stupid dream this morning. I was on a plane that was going to crash. I wasn’t going to call anyone, but at the last minute, I wanted to call him and tell him I loved him...but, my phone wouldn’t work...lol. I woke up before the plane went down.😀
  9. Oh, I can’t thank those enough that replied to my initial post. And, I spent a lot of time on this site reading other posts, replies etc last night. Recap...I broke it off almost two weeks ago for the second time in the last 2 1/2 months because I was on a roller coaster and didn’t know why. After a solid 10 months of consistent behavior and good displays of character, I had learned that the roller coaster was caused by my boyfriend’s ex of 10 yrs showing back up. Mind you, I never knew about that relationship, nor the fact that his ex had a live in boyfriend the entire time they were seeing each other! Anyhow, today I gathered his belongings that were left here. I drove them to his house (he was at work) and left them on his porch. I did leave a note...and that was for me...For my closure...as I had acted out of character in my recent insecurity and while I did the right thing by ending it, I didn’t do it from a high value stand point. I reacted emotionally and with hurt and anger and I did want to redeem myself, for me.. The note said that I didn’t want the last words he received from me to be words spoken in anger. I reiterated that I was moving on, thanked him for the good times we had and wished him well. I didn’t mention anything about what he had done or anything that would remotely require answers to questions or any validation. I also stated that nothing that I may have at his place is anything I want or need, so he was free to keep it or trash it. (Things like pans, Tupperware, etc) I then deleted our entire texting history (over a years worth). Blocked him and deleted him from my phone. To anyone that struggles with no contact...PLEASE be diligent! No contact will give you clarity and strength. Then, once you have it, don’t allow them access to your head or you will go back to square one! Something I saw on this site last night was something I said over and over to myself as I was driving to his place...”I DO love him, but I love myself MORE and I have to do this for ME” Be strong everyone! Thanks for the support!
  10. Thank you all. I know it had to end and yes, I have lost respect and trust. (Lost some respect for myself too. Took an ego beating as well) I didn’t see it coming. I believed him to be a man of good character. Actions proved me wrong. He did say he didn’t tell me about it because he was ashamed. But, he obviously wasn’t too ashamed to continue seeing someone that was with someone else. Supposedly she gave him all of the excuses and told him they didn’t even sleep in the same room. But, come on! All cheaters lie. I did also put the emotionally unavailable piece together. Have had no contact for a week and a half and plan on keeping it that way. I am hurting. I know I’ll heal. It just sucks as you all know.
  11. My first thought is that he may be a sexual abuse survivor. I am and when I am triggered, I get sick to my stomach. It’s a very common thing with survivors. If he was abused and hasn’t dealt with it, it could be the problem. O
  12. Hi. New here and just looking for some advice, maybe even validation. I was dating a wonderful man for the last year. We took things slow and the relationship deepened gradually. We are both older, me 49 and him 50. He hadnt been in a serious relationship for 20 years (or so I thought) We also lived an hour apart. So we mostly saw each other on weekends. Now and then towards the end he would stay over occasionally during the week. Everything was going really well until the week after Thanksgiving which was our 10 month mark. Suddenly he started forgetting things...like my birthday, dates, would show up late, make last minute plans and sometimes no plans at all. I actually broke it off just after Christmas because of all of this. He had no explanation for the change and I told him I didn’t feel like a priority to him anymore. I also said that I wanted a relationship in which I was someone’s priority. We didn’t see each other for a few weeks and both missed each other. He was an awful communicator, but had really started to try. One thing that I brought up to discuss was that I had heard on Thanksgiving from one of his family members that he had “waited” for his last girlfriend for 10 years. She evidently had a live in boyfriend and never did leave him. At first, my ex was angry and dodging the conversation. I wanted to know if they had had closure. He was very vague. The next time we talked about it (a few days later) he said she had shown up at his house a couple of months ago and was crying saying he abandoned her. He say he did abandon her. I could tell he still cared and this had hurt him. I asked him if it was before or after Thanksgiving and he said it was just after, which was when his behavior really changed. He said they had closure that evening, but again was very vague and wouldn’t really answer my questions. He said he wanted to make us work and stayed the weekend a couple of weeks ago. Came a couple of days later and did my brakes and stayed the night. However, the next evening he didn’t try to make contact until 8:30 at night and I was already in bed (is off work and home by 4) and didn’t text his normal morning text the following morning. (He used to text me every morning on his way to work) I got upset and told him I didn’t want to talk that night and then told him (via text) that I couldn’t t do this anymore and it was over. The last couple of moths was a real roller coaster for me. He was not honest and open about that relationship and it took me by total surprise that she showed up and it messed his head up at the very least. For all I know, he could have started seeing her again. When I mentioned that it was awfully coincidental that all of this started right about the time she showed up, he dismissed it saying it had nothing to do with anything. Truth be told, I can’t be forgotten about and treated like I’m on a shelf. However, I feel like I may have overreacted this last time and it bothers me. Of course he had an excuse for not making contact til late (fell asleep when he got home) and then “forgot to hit send” on the text the next morning. I’m not an insecure person, but the events over the last two months sent me into and insecure tail spin. I honestly had the thought the night he didn’t call til late “maybe she showed up again”. He never did apologize or even understood where I was coming from when I was so upset about being forgotten, made last, our plans forgotten about etc. Then after learning about her, and the fact he never even mentioned a 10 year off and on relationship that he supposedly ended just before meeting me? He couldn’t understand why I wanted to talk about it, had some questions and why I was now feeling insecure. It was a straw that broke this camels back. Or was it just a straw? I’ll never know for sure.😩
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