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  1. Yes, I agree with you. I have been more honest with myself recently which is why I realised I couldn’t continue some crappy friendship with him and needed to cut off completely. I continued initially because I cared for him, was possibly wrapped up in his words and wanted to believe that he was in the process of leaving his wife. It didn’t last long before I recognised no progress was being made and I couldn’t continue to go against my own morality. My father cheated on my mum and broke up my family, I was also cheated on by a previous boyfriend so I know how much it can affect people, families and would never want to inflict that on anyone. I just harboured a great deal of hope that he would very soon leave the situation and be available, but I realised soon that these were just words and not backed up by intention. Having just left a difficult relationship when I ‘met’ this guy, I was vulnerable, sensitive and more willing to believe his sweet talk than I should have been. Also having been in a difficult relationship, the fact that Neil was so far away, allowed me to keep him at a distance and was somehow ‘safer’. I have a lot of compassion for his wife, being in that situation. To the best of my understanding, she has forgiven his past indiscretion which just enables him to continue with no conscience about it, but that isn’t aligned with my own values. I realise I have a lot of self-exploration to do, thanks for allowing me to explore that.
  2. Ok, sorry to make an assumption but your words are harsh and weren't representative of my outlook when I first met this person. The assumption being that I intended to get with a married man and go against a woman. It wasn't like that AT ALL. If you knew me, you'd know I am conscientious and go out of my way to ensure I don't hurt anyone. The supposition that I enjoyed being with a married man is wrong. I didn't even know I was with one and when I had more insight into the situation, I was the one to change the dynamic and eventually end it. To say I deserve to be heart broken and karma will get me is unkind.
  3. I intend to stay away from him. I don't see what good can get out of the situation. I argue that it wasn't a 'twisted' fantasy though. At the time, he was someone I had an emotional connection with and it developed. I imagined being with him which I think is fairly normal under the circumstances. My worst quality was that I was naive, but I never ever want to hurt anyone, hence I got out of it. I fell for someone who told me he was separated and who said he loved me. I may have been naive but I certainly didn't create a twisted fantasy.
  4. I never intended to get with a married man. I never would. I was told the marriage was over. I understand now that he was lying about this.
  5. This is unfair. When I found out the reality of the situation, I said we needed to just be friends, which was difficult for me as I loved him. You've obviously been hurt in the past and that's awful, but don't assume that everyone who finds themselves with a married man had the intention to hurt anyone, or to even be involved with a married man. I certainly did not and feel I took the right action when the truth became clear. I regret even getting involved with him, but you tend to believe someone when they say their marriage is over.
  6. Ouch. I don't think it's as black and white as this. Home wrecker? No. I didn't even know there was a home to wreck, a relationship to be involved in! I definitely played a part in the situation but I was lied to, constantly assured that the marriage was over and that he was on his way out. Yes, I shouldn't have so easily believed him, but as far as I knew, he was telling the truth. I don't think it's quite so easy as leaving as soon as you find out it's a lie. I was sweet-talked. Yes, I have harboured a great deal of guilt for this but I absolutely did not go 'after' someone else's man and never would. Don't judge until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes. The fact is, I was the one to feel guilt and shame, and I ended it. I was not the one who was in a relationship, lying and cheating. Please don't make such bold assumptions.
  7. You're right. I'm still in that stage of grief over the whole dynamic but there's also a lot of it that is becoming very clear to me. The fact that, if he did leave his wife, I would constantly be suspecting he was cheating, and with good reason. Your ex saying 'I know who I am' is such a man thing to say! I recently spoke to someone I know, a married man whose marriage is pretty much asexual, and who frequently goes on dating websites to look for girls. He told me he had come to accept this harlequin side of himself. Accepting this, knowing who you are, having self-compassion...it's all BS terminology for 'I want to cheat and I don't want to feel guilty'. Good riddance!
  8. You're so right. He has cheated throughout his marriage and rationalised it by saying 'I used to feel shame but now have unconditional self-compassion'. It's just sad because I felt very strongly towards him but I was probably one of many. I'm not willing to put up with that behaviour so I doubt I'll hear from him again unless he decides to leave his wife, which seems highly unlikely. xx
  9. Yes, this does help. We video chatted every day, and I formed an impression of what he'd be like in person. I guess that's all part of the fantasy that I need to get over. The reality is probably very different and I'll never know.
  10. I agree, this community is so loving and supportive. I definitely want to heed the advice you've given me so far by staying on the no contact path. This man has been a prominent part of my life for a long time now so I don't imagine it will be easy to be without him, but as my mum said 'you never had him in the first place'. Sometimes breaking away from the potential of someone, the fantasy, is the most difficult part. xx
  11. Thank you Lost (your username betrays your wisdom!) You're so right. During my last breakup, I made it my intention to get fit, lose weight and be consistent with diet and exercise. I've been very successful with this. My emotional health is another issue! I still seek validation from men, specifically Mr Married. Obviously this is something that will need to change, though I'm not quite sure where to begin. Definitely something to ponder xx
  12. Absolutely. I was addicted to a feeling, not a reality. What a revelation it is and brings you back to life with a thud but at least I see it for what it is now.
  13. So perceptive, thank you! You're right. I replaced one rubbish guy for another, who told me he was a feminist and supporter of women, but actually screwed over his wife again and again. I intend to seriously heal now. I don't know what that will look like or what form it will take but that is my intention. I have no desire to find another guy anytime soon.
  14. Yes you're so right. I was naive and accepted behaviour I now consider unacceptable. I definitely need to see through the personas that people present to who they really are. I can't believe I was so naive.
  15. I would argue that while I knew he was married, he introduced himself as being separated. Obviously it was not my intention to fall in love with a married man. However, you are right that it was too easy to do so and this is something I need to examine.
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