Afjl

Hey everyone, I posted some words of encouragement and my story about two years ago. I promised that I would come back and update things in case there are changes. Well, there are updates for sure…just not the updates I was originally wanting from two years ago. However, I feel like what has happened was something necessary for both parties. A quick summary for anyone wondering about what happened. My ex of 4 years was very confused about her feelings for me for a long time and had a wandering eye. Eventually, she left me to be with someone else who in hindsight, wasn’t a very good choice. Said all the things in the book, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “I love you like family”, “you are my best friend” etc. Was completely infatuated with this new person from the first week and was terrible and cruel towards me (tunnel visioned pretty hard). Well, fastforward to two and a half years since the break up, I finally got that text I had wished for for months after the break up! Now, I sort of expected it one day when her new relationship goes through the ups and downs, and everything I had suspected would happen, did happen. However, she ended up in another relationship quickly after that one failed, and then this second one failed too. This second person doesn’t sound very compatible or the best choice either, but who knows. How do I feel about all this now that I’m in a more logical and better mental state? A little bit sad, a little bit hopeful, and a little bit vindicated. But I don’t feel good at all. Because the whole “revenge” mindset that I had when I was angry was only temporary. I also know that deep down in my heart, I still love her deeply, as real love never truly goes away no matter how long. There was still a connection. I learned a valuable lesson through finding myself during the break up and that has helped me gain confidence, my own identity, friendships, a positive attitude in life, and also a stronger foundation of maturity. I know she has a lot of growing to do, as I have done my own and gone through the motions of pain. I supported her as a temporary cushion through the initial stages of her most recent break up (she hasn’t been alone truly for 16 years now, jump from one to the next). I found the closure I needed through working in myself and my insecurities, but I also got the closure I wanted her from her reaching out with sincere remorse on what she did. For the longest time, I wonder if she cared. I questioned it. And I know she does now, for certain. How does she feel? Well, she is at the same place mentally with regards to a dependency on a relationship for happiness. She is very hurt from everything she went through after me, and has grown a lot during the timespan of us being apart. I have faith in her to continue growing and recognize her patterns which would lead to a lifetime of unhappiness if she continues this way. She has mentioned she always loved me, but didn’t know if it was romantic enough. But she knows that out of anyone in her life, I’ll always be setting the bar and I’ll always be the one who treated her with the most respect, empathy, and effort. She is doing better now and I had to be the one to let her go this time, for both our own good. She is now trying to move on and do the self-reflection that is long overdue. So what does this all mean? I am at the point where I know that I’ll be happy with or without her. Of course, a part of me believes her and I would be happier if we are with each other, but she isn’t ready. I spent the last two years growing significantly and focusing on myself everyday in ways she has not, and her journey is now behind me. A lot of people have this misconception that reconciliation just happens because an ex sudden realizes their love for the other person after making a mistake and come swoop them off their feet. I call this the reverse Disney-fantasy. While most dumpers chase after that disney fantasy relationship, dumpees chase after that disney fantasy reconciliation. What some don’t realize, is that your ex tends to go through a process before coming to the conclusion that maybe they let a really good thing go. Of course, we as the heartbroken see it, but it doesn’t mean they see it. It hurts thinking of them being with someone else, it hurts thinking about them all happy without you, and it hurts having obsessive thoughts about them constantly for months (maybe years if you were together for a decade or more). But this is something they HAVE TO go through. How else will they learn and realize the lessons that we had to go through? It’s just that the journeys are reversed, but all parties must go through the journey. It’s part of why many reconciliations don’t work out. Because one or both people are not on that same stage of growth. Success is hard because we want it so bad when we think we have it, and it comes crashing down when we realize we don’t. Through time, you start recognizing that the version of your ex from the past is not what you want, and you would like the potential of who they can be. But the person they can be doesn’t exist, yet. And many will only exist by the time it’s too late. People rarely ever change their patterns. Only through intense trauma or pain, do we truly reflect on how to prevent the same mistakes from happening again. We will eventually move on and learn to accept all outcomes. Here were mine: 1. My ex comes back to me lovingly and shows me intense regret, after growing up and changing her mentality of what love is (being on the same page as me) - I wanted this in the first year, but realistically? It would have taken many years of life hardships for her to reflect on this. 2. My ex goes through the next relationship, and the next, and the next until she burns out and settles for something less than what will really make her fulfilled. That’s a very sad thought but I see many people doing this, and they are normally the ones who can’t be alone. 3. My ex goes through some relationships and eventually learns that she has hurt me deeply and regrets doing that. But still has a lot of figuring out to do, however, understood that the old relationship ran its course and had its issues. She will be on the first or second step of the journey by the time she reaches out to at least make sure I know she acknowledges what she has done. - This happened and was the most realistic. It isn’t that she learned 100% or learned nothing. She is in the middle of it. It’s possible she will regress or continue growing. No one really knows what will happen in the future. But we both know our doors are open. She wanted me as a friend, but I also don’t think it’s feasible due to feelings and her needing an emotional crutch to go through the motions. I did not want to let her go, hoping to stay in her life and rekindle something more, but I know I had to for both of us. Reconciliation doesn’t just happen. The right conditions and mindset must be in place before there is even a chance. Sometimes, it takes a tough decision to get there too. Just know that your ex made the decision at the time of dumping you, with the mindset that it would make them happy. People are chasing their own happiness, and you cannot control the reality they believe in. What you can do is manage your perspective and control what you do in the long run. Good luck everyone on moving on. Time really does heal all. Will my ex and I get back together? Well, she came back on the wrong terms (as she left selfishly, she should come back into my life on my terms afterall). And maybe one day, she will come back on the right terms (we will be on the same page). I can only wish her well and send her on her way. I am at the point where I truly am very fond of her and have let go of the past (but it seems she has not yet, as she didn't do the growing that I did). You'd be surprised on how long growth can be delayed if we let it. I unconditionally want her to be happy. Ideally, it would be with me. And if it happens, it was meant to be. If it doesn't, then so be it. I have a new "healing" I have to do now, as I miss her again after catching up. When you come to terms that you miss the person they could have been, not the person they truly were, then you truly find the freedom from the pain.

Hi all, it has been roughly 4 months since my ex of 4 years left me and started seeing someone else a week after our break up (and only a week of knowing the new girl too before we broke up). It has been a long journey and I can feel my healing process slowly coming to fruition. I’ve received so much support and emotional strength reading through all these stories. I do have some I can share. Story 1: - A coworker of mine (M) and her now husband (S) split up for almost a year back then when they were dating. They both were fighting a lot and going through issues. Eventually they mutually split up out of anger (she couldn’t even remember who broke up with who). S eventually moved away. They both went NC for the whole year and moved on with their lives, never expecting to be together again. Then a year later they happened to reconnect through social media and still knew they cared for each other. M didn’t date anyone in between. Not sure about S. But they decided to give it a go again and took it very slow from then on and grew up from the communication issues. 20 years later they are married and have kids! Story 2: - not a successful one but exes do come back. A really good friend of mine who is helping me cope with my toxic break up told me her story. She was the dumper (but felt like the dumpee because her ex was abusive and flirting around with other women in front of her). She left him and took a long time to heal. This was well over a year ago and she is still healing from the abusive scars (but she does not love him anymore). He eventually wanted to move to another country and live a different life (grass is greener) and couldn’t care less about my friend who was heartbroken. She gave the relationship her all and got nothing in return. A few months after the break up and hard NC from my friend, the ex-bf comes back to test the waters. She ignored him. Then weeks go by and he starts being desperate and telling her he has grown up and leaned his mistakes. That he is full of regret. She absolutely hates him to this day with the way he treated her. And at the same time to this day, he still wants her back. Story 3 - my first ex and I were LDR for three years. It was a toxic relationship and full of drama and trust issues. Eventually my ex left me for someone else that was a coworker. I was devastated and being young and dumb, begged for a couple of weeks and cried my heart off. I went through the darkest time of my life. Eventually I moved on and I am now being sad over my most recent ex. Ironically the moment I started dating my recent ex back then (4 years ago), was the day my first ex reached out with texts almost every week! I wasn’t sure if my first ex wanted me back or was looking for an ego boost, but I NEVER expected to hear from them again back then when they left me. I ignored all texts for a while. Last I heard she has moved on and is married with a kid coming along. I’m really happy for her and wish her the best. I’m indifferent to her though in terms of our random once in a year catch ups. We never know what life may bring us. It takes two very mature people who have gone through the motions of many painful events in order to take the time to reflect on what true love is. And that true love is also a full time job despite what movies and Disney-logic wants us to believe, which is that it’s easy and happily ever after. I’ve come to realize that my situation is nothing special. It’s the typical ‘I love you but not in love with you’ reason. At the time of the break up, I thought that I was the only one going through this because what I had with my ex was so ‘special’. But in reality she left for greener pastures (or at least her idealized version of the new partner). And that type of break up is so common and I ignored the red flags for years. She hasn’t been single for over 12 years and had three LTR back to back, monkey branching. At the time I thought it wouldn’t happen to me cause she was so in love with me and ‘got me’ so much (silly me). She did admit to me that I was her ‘ideal’ but she was bored (immature view of excitement), didn’t want sex (lost attraction from lack of effort on both our ends), didn’t feel a spark (which she deemed very important after four long years), and crushed on others (who logically are NOT good partners for her). It seems her logical side has gone out the window. Her new partner cheated on their ex for her. Her logic is, ‘If they cheat for me, they won’t cheat on me.’ We sometimes really question our choices in life. I think when you are dumped, the initial shock and trauma is a lot to handle. But as you start reflecting all your ex’s words in hindsight, you start seeing the BS that comes along with it. Keep in mind that your ex is now NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I can think of many flaws now that my rose tinted glasses are off. Sure I miss her still and think about her still, but it’s not as intense anymore. And I also think about her flaws and tell myself that I no onger has to deal with them. She was quite abusive as well. My friends saw it, her own family saw it. Except I didn’t see it. Until now. I can safely say that even if she comes back now (after her honeymoon phase dies with her new partner) and all the masks comes off, I will NOT take her back. We all know our exes very well. We can tell their maturity level and they may be predictable. It is VERY HARD for people to change. They must go through TOUGH life experience (like we are right now) and look inside themselves. I know she will NOT be doing the self improvement that I am doing as when she is so focused on someone else, there is no room to focus on herself. Rest assured that in the long run, if you were left for someone else/single life (assuming you were a good partner and did nothing wrong), you will come out on top. Because they will be stuck in the same chapter and recycle through it over and over again while we, the heartbroken, are forced to pick up a new book (and good thing we do).