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earthlingboy

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  1. Yeah, I've been thinking about seeing one. A counsellor I mean. I think I need to cause this stuff eats away at me and really does hold me back. Thanks again for your kind words. People are always saying I'm an old soul lol
  2. Just wanna add thank you everyone for your messages and advice. Actually just writing up my feelings has made me feel better. It's amazing how expressing yourself can relieve a bit of pressure, even if it is over a computer screen. Thank you.
  3. I can't say really say I strictly identify with white people or black people to be honest. I tend to identify with people on the same wavelength as me. I have a very small circle of friends. My best friend is Indian-American and my ex is Japanese-American. Both people I share a lot f similarities with. Certainly when I was younger I did kinda restrict myself along racial lines - I would try to fit in with white or black people I didn't really share anything in common with. Purely because of DNA. I don't do that anymore. It didn't work out so well when I was younger. I actually tried too hard to fit in with people. I tried to show both white and black kids that I was "one of them." When I have visited my dad's side of the family in Africa and my mom's side in Europe, frankly, I've never really identified with either side. I feel like an outsider because I've never spent a sustained amount of time in each of my parents' respective countries. I've been a nomad for pretty much my entire life. Growing up in Europe, the vast majority of places were fine but there was a particular two year spell in a certain country... a spell that was bad. You know, I think some of that guilt I feel regarding the situation comes from the fact that I have lived a priveleged life. I have gotten to see so many different places, my parents have always provided. My dad grew up extremely poor in his country. He and his family would go hungry on some days and he would walk 4 miles to school and 4 miles back home everyday. And when I think about that and look at the life my father has given me, I feel so much guilt. I've cried before over it cause I feel like have absolutely no right to harbour these feelings. I mean look at his childhood in comparison with mine? But I still feel them. Thank you for your kind words. Appreciate them. Will check out the Dancing with the Stars kid. I wish I could dance lol.
  4. It was other children at the school I attended. It was so incessant I had to transfer to another school. Although my parents also experienced a nasty incident one time when they were out for dinner. Yeah in general those two years in that specific country sucked. We all struggled to adjust. It was a relief to leave. As for reading other people's stories, yes I do. Sometimes I'll spend hours online just searching keywords on Google and reading perspectives from other people. It does help. To know you're not alone. I've been thinking of writing my parents a letter. I feel like I get my feelings out better I've been thinking of writing my parents a letter. I feel like I get my feelings out better when I write. And I wish you and your partner all the happiness in the world!
  5. Thank you for your kind words. I mean it. Thank you. I think with me, these feelings started a long time ago. Beginning from the bullying when I was around 8 and my dad had just signed for a new club and we moved to a new country in Europe. We stayed in that country for 2 years and it wasn't easy. In the vast majority of places we have lived, including the US,people have been welcoming and lovely. But there was a nasty undercurrent in the specific place we lived when I was 8 and that experience has just stuck with me. And it has precipitated those feelings of insecurity I still feel today. My parents have always been loving and supportive of me. But I just don't know how to tell them I feel. Like I wrote, there is shame attached. They made me, and their heritage is my heritage and I feel like my thoughts are a slight on them.
  6. I haven't done any counselling. I find it difficult to open up to people, hence why I'm posting on this forum instead of speaking to my parents about it. I don't know. It's just something I feel ashamed about. The way I feel. It's hard to verbalize with people in a conversation.
  7. You're not being rude. It's cool. I don't mind people asking me where I'm from but it gets a bit old when people ask me about my racial mix and features. People take a special interest in that. And I guess because of the bullying when I was younger, I don't like having to answer such questions cause I'm insecure about the topic.
  8. You know, you are absolutely right about me being plagued by low confidence and self esteem. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I've moved around so much and I've been accustomed to "starting over." When I was around 11 I didn't really feel there was a point in me putting myself out there due to the fact I would probably leave the place I was in, pretty soon. So I began to become more and more introverted. I think it's a behaviour that I've just gotten accustomed to and find it hard to get out of.
  9. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
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