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Shannon1235

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  1. No I’m not blaming social media or society. I think it does make it easier to be envious of people in relationships if u spend a lot of a Time scrolling social media but I’m fully aware that this is something I want so I would be feeling anxious about it without social media too. I also know I wouldn’t have been able to be in a healthy relationship a few years ago as I was overly reliant on men and relationships to fulfill me. However corny it sounds, for me I had to build a more purposeful and fulfilling life alone first.. this helped me overcome issues with food and alcohol. Could I have done this and had a healthy relationship at the same time? I know it wouldn’t have been possible. I tried it and it didn’t work. I do agree though that I need to give it my best shot. I posted on here as I’m aware I’ve become negative about it which isn’t cool and won’t attract good things if I don’t get a more relaxed approach about it
  2. @wisemen no I have worked hard to overcome anxiety etc. To the most part I have done quite well. I think it is natural though to start feeling anxious as a woman when the biological clock starts to tick and in a society which indulges in social media it can be hard not to compare yourself to peers. I am involved in clubs and have developed a lot of interests. I have no doubt that happiness comes first outside of a relationship as I stated above, hence why I took a few years to really focus on building that. I suppose I just become disillusioned by the dating scene as I do feel ready to date but it hasn’t happened so far.
  3. Yes I actually have gone through bouts of obsessive compulsive thoughts when I was younger, without the compulsive behaviors. I went for cbt and it really helped me deal with anxiety as I didn’t even realize before this that as Humans we can’t control our thoughts and the more we try to the more intense they become. I also try to remind myself that a lot of thoughts aren’t factual but can be made up stories that have no truth behind them. That’s what I am trying to do at the moment re my anxiety with being alone. I met a friend today who is no longer single and although happy for her I felt jealous. This isn’t something I used to feel a few years ago but I think it’s a result of how anxious I’ve become about it all. Good for u working through your ocd.. 🙏👍🏻
  4. Thank you guys. What a supportive bunch you are. Yes I am more aware that it is most likely my mind telling myself this story re the weight thing. I’m not worried I’ll relapse to the strict dieting as I suppose I believed when I started down that route years ago that “I’ll be so happy when I’m so thin”. I got really thin and was never so unhappy so that is a good reminder. The harsh dieting life is totally miserable as well and I Feel I totally lost my spark last time round. I was super thin but super uptight and i just don’t think I could do that to myself again. I think the setbacks from dating bring on self doubt and as a person who is prone to it anyway I have gotten quite wrapped up in the negative stories. Friends have advised that if dating is making me doubt myself to Maybe give it a skip for the moment but As I don’t go to bars much anymore I feel that if I do that I’m not putting myself out there.. I think instead of that I have to work on building a more secure sense of myself so that I take setbacks a bit more in my stride?! Also I don’t know what has happened my mindset since my last birthday but I have this 34 number in my head and am constantly freaked about it 🙈 I am trying to remind myself of Megan Markle and how things worked out for her as a single woman in her late 30s ☺️
  5. Yes I have lots of interests and have pursued one as a career in recent years. I spend most of my time pursuing these interests and have read lots of self help books etc. I have attended courses on self development and put dating on the back burner for a few years. I suppose in the last year and a half I have become more focused on it again as I felt In a good head space to pursue it but have become quite disillusioned that despite feeling like I have done all the right things it hasn’t happened. I know That there are a lot worse things in the world than worrying about not finding love but for me I would feel very sad to think I won’t have my own family with someone. It’s just always been a big desire of mine, despite believing in the absolute importance of self love and trying to develop a sense of inner contentment that is not connected to a man.
  6. Thank you guys! Yes def something there with the mention of perfectionism. I put a lot of pressure on myself and expect a lot from myself in every area of my life and am critical of myself over the smallest of things yet don’t high five myself over the good moments. The perfectionist mindset I think was partly why I struggled so much with food and dieting for a few years in my late 20s. As I said also I hear all the negative comments about myself and discard all the positive ones. I’m not sure what this is about as in other ways I do like myself. It’s def hard being a single woman in today’s world.. I feel like people have a level of sympathy\pity for single women in their 30s but for men it’s almost viewed as a positive. I’m hyper aware also of any comments any friends pass about it and am sensitive that they’re pitying me when maybe in fact they’re not. Also very aware there are lots of married unhappy couples. I suppose I just worry like u little lady that i won’t find love. That kind of freaks me out if I’m honest ..I’m an anxious person by nature so need to try curtail all the negative thoughts surrounding single life as I really believe things come together when ur positive. Just a bit easier said than done. It’s the one area of my life that doesn’t come easy and I find it hard to go with the flow. Work etc I am chilled about. Like u I don’t know where the last six years have gone.. I never expected to be single this long. Single life has helped me become a better and more grounded person but recently the anxiety around it lasting forever is getting a bit consuming 🙈
  7. I think it is a lot of anxiety that I will end up alone.i suppose modern society focuses a lot on looks and so I am placing a lot of emphasis on this. I’m also confident that I can easily connect with people so that doesn’t worry me but my confidence regarding my appearance wavers for some reason. Are a lot women like this?? Modern day dating is hard. I just feel constantly open to judgment and then with modern day dating apps it’s often a case of men going online and swiping for the next best thing. I worry that the good men are gone. I know if I can curtail the anxiety it will probably work out but I feel recently that it is consuming me. I also feel that people keep saying work on yourself and it will happen but I feel like screaming that I have to no end and sometimes someone just doesn’t want to be alone anymore..is that so bad?!! I know focusing on it so much won’t help but I feel like i am thinking about it constantly recently. Thanks for above post though.. u give me hope!!
  8. Hi all, I have been single six years. Prior to this time I was in two long term relationships. They didn’t work out as I just wasn’t ready to meet the man of my life at that time. My last relationship ended when I was 28. When the relationship ended I had a lot of growing up to do. I dated a lot for two years and was anxious to jump into another relationship. With time though I began to realize that I had a lot of work to do on myself. I had an issue with alcohol and the beginnings of an eating disorder in my late 20s which I have since resolved. I also moved away for a few years and worked hard to get myself in a good place. I sorted my finances out and developed a new career and made lots of new friends in a new part of the world. I have worked really hard to build my confidence and I suppose in a way I feel I have “found myself” in the last few years. I have good self awareness and am always working towards goals and trying to develop myself to become the best possible version of myself- without sounding Oprah like. I have returned home after a few years abroad (im a year at home now} as I was eager to meet someone. i Want to have children and settle down. It’s something I have always envisaged as part of my future. However, despite having lots of interests, a good personality and an ability to easily connect with people, I feel like my love life never works out. I have been told I am very attractive all throughout my 20s but I have a real issue believing this when I feel that I have been single for so long-6 years. I know to the outside world I appear confident and together but inwardly I am so anxious that I have missed the boat and that I won’t find love. All my friends are married with children and friends who were single have since found Love. I know that this attitude won’t help and I am anxious to become more positive about it but I find it hard when I feel I go on a lot of dates with men who are totally unsuitable or those that I’m interested in don’t seem bothered. My real issue is believing that I am attractive. I look at pictures of myself and inwardly think I mustn’t look like that, as the girl in the photos is very attractive. I think this goes back to my teen years as I had bad acne and was self conscious of being tall. I feel like people tell me a lot that I’m very pretty but the minute I get “rejected” by a guy I think it’s because I’m too “big”. I’m slim but was slimmer in my late 20s but with that came an unhealthy obsession with food and exercise. I eat now when I like and have a good diet and although my Mind sometimes tells myself the story that I would be more attractive if I was half a stone lighter, I can’t go back to subjecting myself to a rigid diet which brought me unease and rigidity. When I read above, I realize how problematic this thinking appears. When I was in school, a few guys would comment negatively on me being tall, and as I can be quite sensitive I think I took that with me. Deep down, I think I know my thinking is distorted but I don’t know how to go back to believing in myself. I go on dates and men comment that I am very pretty etc. Depending on the day, I sometimes believe it. However I think a lot more of the guys who met me on a blind date and didn’t seem interested in me at all. Straight away I tell myself I’m too big and like a guy, even though when I see videos of myself I am surprised by how slim and feminine I appear. How do I correct this thinking and start believing and accepting myself as I am? I feel if I do I will attract good things but at the moment I am full of self doubt about my attractiveness to men. I realize this is quite disempowering to need a man to make me believe i am attractive but I feel in every other sense I have got my life together but my love life never works out. I don’t want to be alone and while I embraced it for the last few years out of the 6 years I have been single, I am very anxious about it in the last year. Time is ticking by and I have become lonely, despite having lots of friends and interests. Just to point out, I’m not too fussy, maybe years ago I was but now I just want a nice guy who I am attracted to and I get on with. And although, the above is an email filled with self doubt, I am very sure that I don’t give off this vibe when I meet people.
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