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Everything posted by thisisrichey

  1. hey here is an idea... do you have friends, relatives, co-workers, colleagues, who can take your currnt child overnight? for a weekend occasionally? I use the term "don't forget to keep dating your s/o" to couples. This is very important to keep stuff like... well.. the bedroom alive and kicking :) Maybe "mommy/daddy date night out" regularly scheduled or "mommy/daddy weekend away" may help the privacy, the focused nights of escape where you can focus on each other without worrying... and anticipated romance, intimacy, and sex... may help? just brainstorm since you mentioned since kid, it's hard to do your pre-kid rolls in the hay.
  2. Hey JSDXO. yes.. it is VERY apparent that sex is VERY fundamental to BOTH of you and that's definitely something you can work with! :) It also might just be that you two come to an understanding that sexually anyway, the bedroom you both want just can't happen - and thus come to some agreement about sex until the pregnancy is over with. (aka he can turn to porn while waiting for you to be fullly recovered to come back fully sexually afterwards.. while he agrees to whatever you need him to do to ensure he isn't hurting you or making you feel inadequate - and maybe that is, certain types of porn are off limits. Perhaps its that he must keep it very PRIVATE and non-present around you so it won't make you feel inadequate. perhaps it's an agreement that you go on a rotational basis where he can do porn 1 week and get what he needs to get done, but then the next 2 weeks no porn and any urges he has must be with you... again the key here is.. BOTH of your needs must be fed. So there must be some way (there are a million ways) to try and figure out how to feed both of you during this temporary phase where it cant be your full 100% normal bedroom life together. It is definitely difficult. NO way around it. And of course NOBODY's fault. It just has to be reigned in, talked about, understtood, and worked together on how to make sure you both are getting what you need so you don't keep turning elsewhere taht you never make it back together again. Good luck dear. And again, congrats and best wishes on a very healthy pregnancy.
  3. Did I hurt her feelings? Possibly yes. Is she rejecting me? Now she is yes. Is she still just being shy? No. Has she moved on? Yes Should I move on? Yes Was it wrong not to ask her out? Depends how you look at it. Was it wrong to take care of family and the family drama/emergency first before thinking of your dating life with a girl you barely know? No. Was it wrong not to somehow let her konw you were interested and wanted to date her to ensure she wouldn't assume you did not and move on? Yes. What should I do next? Move on and learn from your mistakes to not make them next time (see below) Okay. So you did lose her basically by ignoring and disappearing on her. After all what is she supposed to think about somebody that doens't contact her and never asks her out and never expresses interest and is just GONE? What would you think if somebody did that to you? RIGHT. That they weren't interested and you'd move on. This is what she did. what can you learn from this? If you're interested in somebody - dont' disappear on them. don't NOT tell them. Don't NOT ask them out. If something (an emergency) comes up that will take your attentino away perhaps for a while, make sure you LET the person know you notice them, like them, are interested in them, would like to take them out, but that you might be tied up a while due to other things.. but once they're done you'd like to take them out. Then exchange numbers and tell them you will contact them when you're done with these other things. THEN.. do your best to keep in touch when you can. Now -it's possible she was never interested in you IN THAT WAY - its' hard to tell (but i think she did like you at some point), but the point is if you were interseted in her - you should have acted on that at some point. If yo udont' act, who will? You can't just sit and wait and depend on everybody else to act to put it together right? This one is lost (sorry). There will be others. Learn from this so you will handle the next one much better.
  4. So he is your 1st bf. You've never liked anybody as much as him. You lost your virginity to him. But you knew from the beginning he was only here temporarily and was leaving. Have you 2 talked about what happens when his time is up and he goes home? I would do that and see what he's thinking. Maybe he wants to continue to see you even after he leaves and you can visit each other? The first loves are the hardest and we get real deeply involved emotionally our first experience. All I can say is - we all go thru this and hopefully this doesn't end when he leaves. But if it does, we always realize when our 2nd relationship comes around that the 1st relationship was never the be all end all relationship. This is all a learning curve and an evolutionary process that helps you prepare for when your true one and only comes along down the road (they only come when we're ready and can handle it... none of us can handle it the 1st time around). Hang in there. I know it's hard. I promise the world isn't over. I promise there will be others. I promise the others down the road will be much better. I promise.
  5. Hi Dimka, You are very brave to openly acknowledge all these things about you. I'm not sure any of us are qualified to help you or can be helpful. Let me do my best by offering some thoughts and reactions. 1. I think there is a clear struggle between what you "think you ought to be" and what you ought to be. This is very common (especially at younger ages) and during the phases of our life we are "figuring out ourselves." But this is the MAIN conflict that you must address and figure out. What, that you believe and think, is TRULY you vs what is what you "believe you should be." Often times, in what i've seen, the "what you believe you should be" is not real. It's societal pressures, peer pressures, things you've convinced yourself of due to influences all around everywhere. It even perhaps could be what you feel will give you the attention or esteem or fulfillment you want because you have come to believe "that profile" is what gives you the happiness you seek. All of us suffer from this - just in different ways. Many peopel dream and believe they should become a star recording artist or be some celebrity int he movies, or a superstar NBA player when they simply do not have the skills or make-up to achieve that. It just so happens that your "struggle" is related to sexuality. 2. The "can't accept yourself" theme is typically a conflict between what you've been taught and bred to believe vs what is truly going on with yourself (so very much like #1 stated above). So a good exercise is to write down everything you feel and think or believe or want or dont' want in this area you're trying to figure it out.. and put them on 1 of 2 lists - "truly me " vs "bred in me".. and see what the 2 lists look like after you're done. It may be very revealing what the end truth is and which part is "not real" that you need to let go of and focus on dealing with just "the real." Even your language in how you explain both sides is very telling to me: "what i believe i should be" vs "what i am". Following me on this one? Lastly, i will say this is very complex stuff and again a bunch of social media interent types ar probably far from being qualified to really be helpful here. So I highly encourage you to seek out a professional to help. There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in doing that. They will be equipped to help you with tools, their experiences of treating others, in what this is and how people figure this stuff out for themselves. Good luck.
  6. I would say another's perspective helps ALL the time, not just sometimes. 2 brains and perspectives and experiences and knowledge is ALWAYS better than 1. I think the more generic way to say this is: if you never try, and sometimes fail, how will you ever experience anything and thus learn something - and thus have experience and knowledge to help you do better down the road? Yes exactly. We must always explore the new, unfamliar, and learn to be 'comfortable" leaving our "comfort zone" for more knowledge and experience.
  7. yes you do. based on how you expressed what you're worried about - yes you do. Look at items 1 and 2 taken straigth from your OP. Those are statements related to how others see and judge you.
  8. Well.. the obvious answer is - you don't think anything major happened, but obviously ON HER SIDE something major enough happened to make this decision. Just because you don't know what it is, or she hasn't told you - doesn't mean it didn't. The fact that she made this decision TELLS YOU something MAJOR enough happened. so... if you want to know, you should ask and talk it out. If she's unrespponsive and she's moved on and gone - then let it go. It's over. Time to move on. Good luck.
  9. Okay.. please stick with me. What I say may sound bad but in the end i think it's going to help your relationship. At its very core, the problem with MOST relationships is - people start to forget the other person and become focused only in their self-interest. And this to a point is what's going on here - ON BOTH SIDES. (Yes you too... i know you don't feel that way but again.. please hear me out). Pregnancies can be tough because no matter what you try and think, it CAN hinder sexual activity - both emotional and physically - regardless of how hard you try. So there is always a risk of "i can't" on one side and "but i have needs" on the other side. And this is NOBODY'S FAULT - it just is what it is. He has needs so he looks for alternatives, you have other needs but possibly physically and emotionally you aren't able to feed his needs. Understandable, unavoidable. The trick is figuring out how to work with both and keep everybody happy. What I see here is. You're both focused on self-interest. He's doing what he needs for him. You are longing for what you need for yourself. Yes you give BJ's, but that's not "giving" in and of itself. "Giving" is not doing what you want or think you should do, "giving" is giving im what he needs. Do you understand? You can "give him a bj" thinking that's feeding his needs.. or you can "give him the bj that feeds his needs"... understand? That very slight adjustment in mentality and approach and realization will make the different in the world. So in the end - here we go. The fact of the matter is - he's turning to porn to "feed his need" - either to satisfy himself, or to work himself up the way he needs so he can orgasm with you. What this means is - the sex he's having with you is NOT feeding his need therefore he needs to turn to an alternative. Unfortunately by him turning to an alternative, and the fact his needs aren't being fed with you, means he's not being as intimage with you which now is NOT feeding YOUR need. And then you become even MORE focused on your self-interest needs bcause you are loacking them which in turn lessens HIS needs being fed by you b/c you're so focused on your OWN needs. See the spiral? So how do you fix this? it may never be fixed 100% but you don't have to. I think what's true with most couples is - if they can tell the other person is actually considering THEIR needs and not their own needs and giving it the best shot they can - i think that goes a long way. so in this example with you: 1. stop focusing on YOUR needs. I get it... they're there and their needs. But the more you are only focusedon YOUR needs, the less you are focused on HIS needs, the more he realizes you are NOT focused on his needs, the more he turns to porn and less to you. Understand? don't give him sex - give him the sex that feeds his need! dont' give him a bj - give him the bj that feeds his need!! 2. once that's initiated and he STARTS getting his needs fed (and by you), the more he'll turn towards you rather than porn (because if you're getting what you need in person, having it done to you will always be btter than watching it done to somebody else)... understand? Now i get it.. you're saying "why can't he do it for me and move first? Why do I have to move first?" Simple. We already know he WON'T move first (he's already shown more and more he'd rather turn to porn). So.. this isn't about right, fair, etc. This is about FIXING it and changing it around. Besdies, once you get what you want and have a lively and fulfilling sex life with your husband who no longer watches porn because you make him so horny and cum harder than any porn star every made him cum - are you going to CARE how you got there? congrats on best wishes on a safe and healthy pregnancy. you are not inadequate - this is just a matter of both sides "forgetting" that what brought yo together is that you both were doing the things that made you want to be together. And when that stops - it's too easy to choose to want to do things elsewhere. Stop that by making the best path to pleasure yourselves. Good luck.
  10. 1. why does it bother you "to the core" that she may think you're still head over heals for her? 2. Why do you not want to come off as rude and don't want to act as if she doesn't exist? Why are you so pre-occupied with how you look or might look to other people and what they may think of you and their opinion of you (is the point)? The clear thing here is to figure out why you care SO MUCH about how you appear, are regarded, and what peopel think of you -and learn how to NOT care about those things. Usually it's an insecurity talking which manifests itself in the need to be liked or looked upon in a positive way. I can tell you if you live your life worrying about what other people think or what your image is - you'll live a very unfulfilled and unhappy life. So this is your main mission - to learn how NOT to care or worry about what anybody else might think or judge you in ANY regard. once you can act FREELY just out of your instincts tell you to do without worrying about any backlash of any kind - it's a completely new world and life and a much FREE-ER and liberated life. Good luck.
  11. i will only comment that .. yes it actually could make sense that "low sex drive" people "watch porn"... they do it to try and invigorate their sex drive and rekindle it and find it again. that or.. it takes that level of hyper-sexual stimuli to get them stimulated (which makes sense for a LOW sex drive person... a HIGH sex drive person may only need to look and notice the shape of a pear to get hot...) Understand the meaning of words we use.
  12. well no.. you're getting hung up on "having to be okay with it" or "come to agreement on it" - which has nothign to do with it. Yo don't have to be OKAY with anything they do.. just as long as you ACCEPT they are what they are - whether you like it or not. I ACCEPT that Barry Bonds is an SOB and cheated in baseball. i dont' have to LIKE it, or be OKAY that he did it or was like that. I just have to ACCEPT that he is that and did that. there is NO need to like, agree, or anything about what they are - that is not what accepting it means. accepting in this case is more akin to just acknowledging the objetive truth about them regardless of how you feel about it.
  13. she's with you - committed to you - no need to be insecure. If she didn't want to be with you she'd leave. your insecurities are about YOU, not her. All of this is actually YOU doing this to you - nobody else. There is no pressure from society - YOU are the one putting pressure on you ("i need to give her perfect sex or i feel inadequate and like she'll leave me" - society isn't doing that to you.. YOU ARE). She's not being disloyal or unfaithful to you - that's YOU assuming she is being unfaithful to you. On her part she's actually telling you she'd wish you share and communicate more with her - aka she wants MORE of you, MORE closeness, and develope MORE of a committment. All the actions and ongoings outside of you sayd she's committed and loyal and wants to be with you. All the negativity isin YOUR head and made up in YOUR head. she isn't going to leave you if there is not "perfect sex" - YOU made that up (females don't leave because of imperfect sex... MALES may do that, but hardly ever females. A lot OF OTHER NON-SEXUAL stuff has to go wrong for a LONG TIME (like a guy's insecurity that makes him pull away and be more distant).... You need to stop obssessing that eerything has to be PERFECT - because it never will. Nor does anybody require perfecion to be happy and stay with somebody. This isn't the movies. This is real life. Stop thinking like relationships and romance have to be like the movies.
  14. you are confusing yourself because you're trying to combine 2 separate concepts unrelated to each other. 1. accepting another person as they are - is exactly what it sounds like. accepting them for what they are. This is an objective, factual exercise. "Richey is a jerk.. that's just how he is" is accepting the fact that i'm just a jerk - its' stating a fact. Nothing more, nothing less. 2. being who you are - is also exactly as it sounds. Just be you and true to yourself- whatever that may be. "so how do you handle somebody who is trying to force you to be like them" (given these 2 concepts)? 1. you accept that they have a certain vision on how things should be, and are inflexible about this particular thing. you accept that they feel everybody should follow this rule (whatever it is). That's it. That's accepting them for who they are on this. 2. but you don't agree and it doesn't fit your life's philosophy to do what this person is trying to force you to do. So you resist doing it. Thats is you being "true to yourself". Compliance has nothing to do with these 2 concepts. Just because you disagree or don't comply doesn't mean you're not accepting them - it just means that is not being true to yourself. Hopefully that helps.
  15. I would extend what you said to this... "just because we are lonely and want something" does NOT mean the first person that becomes available and willing ot b there for us, and us thus wanting to jump in with them - does not mean we should jump in with them. this is called the REBOUND STAGE. And in the rebound stage we obviously have a void to fill and we typically jump at the first willing person as an opportunity to fill those voids (people we would never be with otherwise when we have our full capacities). NEVER jump into a relationship during the REBOUND STAGE. NEVER! Whether it's our ex- or anybody else. Just don't get involved when you're in rebound.
  16. I don't know what to say. You are stuck in this maze of unhealthiness that YOU must get thru and figure out (a professional to help out would be a terrific move here). She is doing good things in her life and making a life and that's WONDERFUL for her (especially she's found somethign she's passionate about). As somebody who dated a massage therapist - I can specifically tell you that being "jealous" of them (if it's the intimacy you are jealous of they have with other people) - you should know that that kind of physical intimacy is COMPLETELY different than a romantic physical intimacy. It is their job. They are trained to do a job. And that is their expertise. They are NOT seeing the physical intimacy as romantic or sexual in any way. (I know this b/c all LMT's will tell you this. Plus my LMT ex- trained me on massage and whever i massage somebody else it is totally to "do the job right" and get the job done as to what the person needs that i'm solving thru massage. and it's not sexual or romantic at all. NOW. when i massage a gf and it's a "mood night" in which the masssage is part of a romantic night that's DIFFERENT. But if it's a friend or non-romantic person and the massage is for a legit purpose - they can take their clothes off, i can be massaging their bare skin - and it can be real intimate and connected (this is what you do to try and identify and fix the issue they are having) - but it is NOT romantically or sexually intimate in those situations. so being jealous of a LMT over their physical intimacy and connection with clients is wasted energy. It's not like that. If you are jealous that she is creating a life while you dont' seem to be - then that is an unhealthy thought and yo must examine and resolve why this is. We SHOULD be estatic for loved ones and people we care about who are having success! Nobody should want anybody they care about to FAIL or NOT have success (especially when we don't have success). This is selfish and uncaring and something else is going on. Definitely, in tht end, you really should see a professional to help sort this out and give you tools to overcome these thoughts. They are unhealthy anyway you cut it and will keep you from succeeding yourself. Good luck.
  17. What can he do? Legally - the only thing he can do at this time is file a restraining order with the Police and then report whenever she breaks it. Unfortunately that doesn't do much as people violate restraining orders all the time and can't be stopped. The only way he can do anything else is if she makes an actual specific threat to anybody - which you can then immediately report. As for the "pregnancy" - i highly doubt she is pregnant. Unless you have documented proof - it's very likely a lie to control him again. Lastly.. i agree with the other that he could be playing you by making up lies about his "crazy other gf" to control you -- so watch out for that.
  18. was he saying it as in asking a question to you? or was he making a statement? 'im not understanding it at all.
  19. Agree.. there is no certainty on anything here at all. Anything could happen in this instance. I agree with the "gt to know them for a while longer" before comitting to anything - or just walk and be done with it.
  20. How you react is up to you. How much you pursue this answer is up to you. But I would ask myself: 1. does knowing this information or confirming it or not change the fact that we're broken up? 2. does making the ex-bf admit if he hooked up and with whom change anything about the break-up or that he wants to break up? 3. in what way does this help you to know this information if you're already broken up? I honestly would let this one go. Consider it over, get over him, move on. Some thing are better left unsaid and allow for one to move on more easily int he long run. I honestly don't see the purpose or where it makes anything better to know (albeit i know we are curious by nature....)
  21. there are many angles here - it's not an all or nothign deal. So let's break it down. 1. Porn addiction is an issue. You can already see how it's affecting your bedroom life. That he is wandering into more taboo versions of it means the stimuli required for him to orgasm is a bit off the charts. The more he requires deviant stimuli to orgasm, the less pleasurable your bedroom life will be. 2. Is he gay? Yeah he could be. He might not be. He very well could be bi (which nobody has mentioned yet). It is what it is and obviously you can't change that - he can only admit or acknowledge what it is if he hasn't yet. This is somethign i think based on your relatiosip and how it is, that you guys could actually talk about and you can ask if you need to know or this changes anything. 3. He seems on the up and up and not being a horrible person - he just has an addiction, and it happens to be porn. Because it's moving into the "taboo" it should really be dealt with so therapy is probably a good idea for him to see what this is all about, why, and if it's masking or covering for something else that needs to be dealt with. All, of course, with your loving support... I know this doens't answer of your questions right out of the gate. But this is going to be a process with him - and hopefully a professional who can help out. Good luck.
  22. never rush. always take time to get to know the person well enough first to decide if it is somebody you want as a boyfriend. never have a bf just to have a bf. always know what you want as a bf and find somebody that fits that to be your bf - before you make them your bf. don't get caught up or worry about "right vs wrong" in dating - there is none - other than to be sincere and appropriate towards your bf and ensure they are always sincere and apprporiate towards you (aka neither of you are purposely doing each other wrong or bad in any way). in the end, your job is NOT to win anybody over, or prove your worthiness as a gf to them. your job is to enjoy life and only allow people that make your life enjoyable into it. Doesn't sound like your sister's friend is the one for you. Instead make a bf out of somebody you like and makes you happy. Good Luck.
  23. oh.. the other bet lesson you can learn in life for anything is.... STAY IN THE MOMENT. Focus and remind yourself just to stay in the moment. This means being ultra aware of what's going on AT that moment - rather then get into your head and stuck in your head analyzing what just happened that you completely miss out on what's going on NOW. ex. if speaking to a friend at lunch, don't think about what you're going to be doing later, if you left the doors unlocked, what you'll be doing tomorrow, do i need to feed the parking meter, what am i going to say next - do none of that. just sit back and absorb all the stimuli going on at the moment- the smells you are smelling, the sounds you are hearing, what the other person is saying to you, how the food you're eating tastes, how your skin feels at that moment, how the air/wind feels against you, etc. again.. hope somethign i said helps.
  24. Overthinking and anxiety do go hand in hand... sorry. It doesn't mean that every time you overthink you may exhibit anxiety signs - but any time you have anxiety signs, you are most likely overthinking. What you're explaining is definitely just overthinking causing anxiety, probably caused by some foundational insecurities you have about the dating/romance process in general. The good news is... relax.. this is normal. We ALL go through it, especially when we're younger and far less experienced (because everything is so unknown at that point. When things are unknown and unfamiliar, we tend to overthink it). It all goes hand in hand as you can see. How do you get away from this? firstly.. the best lesson you can ever learn is to LET IT GO. LET THINGS GO. yes of course it's good to notice things. But no everything you notice may not mean anything all that important. When things "mean" anything is if it's an established and consistent pattern - not just because it occurs once or there is an incident. I'm not an alcoholic because i get drunk one night. I am an alcoholic when i can't "function" or live without getting drunk consistently. See the difference? The truth is, most signs or differences most likely don't mean anything all that significant. There are so many variables and so many things that can happen in a day that can effect our mood, disposition, body language, reactions, tone, etc. Most of the time it's just a temporary thing. Again, things aren't really anything unless it beocmes a consistent, and persistent, established PATTERN. so that's how you change this and not get so worked up about everything. Understand that things often don't mean anything all that significant. And that nothing is potentially significant unless it's an established pattern. Assess patterns only, not incidences. Hope that helped some.
  25. very normal yes. They say most people have 1 major career change in their lifetimes and the 30's is like the prime time slot that this can happen. Just curious, if your job environment were different and more to your liking, maybe a tweak to your job description - could you see yourself motivated and happy at Marketing? There are many ways you can go with this and I'll describe 2 approaches here you can consider: Approach 1 Is it the job, or the location that is getting you down? Definitely figure this out and then apply for a job accordingly - either in a location you think would re-inspire you, or a job description/situation locally that would re-inspire you. This will help answer a lot of questions as to if it's your current job, your current locale, or marketing you're getting tired of. Adjust accordingly. Approach 2 (i saw this in a business/career magazine). You're going to take 1 piece of paper and make 2 lists. List 1 is all the things that bring you joy and make you smile guaranteed. It can be anything - work related or not. List #2 is all the things that make you stressed or not so joyous. That's the easy part. The hard part is to then focus on each list and find out what the COMMON TRAITS or trends are of all the "joyous" list activities are. Is it being affluent and wealthy? Travel? Family? Teaching? Presenatation? Next find the common traits of all your "stressors". Is it financial? is it time stress management? Is it being stuck inside all day? Minimal freedom/creativity? Once you have found your obvious pattersn of "joy" and "stress" - you are then going to thnk of any/all careers and activities that would fit under "joy" or would be conducive to "joy". You will then list all current things in your life that follow thte "stress" characteristic you discovered. That should give you a huge list of activities, careers, that could bring you joy. And all the things currently in your life you must stop to get rid of the "stress". Some type of lifestyls or career-tract should then become mover obvious to pursue from this activity. Good luck.
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