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Everything posted by thisisrichey

  1. yeah the conclusion here is, she doesn't see you in a romantic kind of way. for whatever reason right now she is feeling the need to fill the void of romance via you (most likely she is in rebound from a recent break-up with somebody else). in the end she's using you. i would say she's not a friend if she's capable of this. i would recommend not having contact with her any longer and not even relying upon her as a friend (as she obviously has proven she's willing to break lines with you for her own needs/agenda). sory to say that dude.. but it's for the best. as somebody who went thru this for some 7 yrs with a gorgeous lady that was my bff for those 7 yrs - yo'lll get over it and move on (i did). and she certainly will move on and get over it quite well as it turns out (like my bff did).
  2. actually... quite interstingly enough - this is NORMAL if you can believe that. - i think its somewhere like 25% or less are working in the field of their college studies/degree. - a very high degree of people (70%??) go thru a mid-career transition into a new/different career - typically in their 30's and 40's (i went thru it at 34). - and then there's midlife crisis - where EVERYBODY reflects on their life and develops their "bucket list" and typically has a new direction in life that they emphasis. "what is my legacy and meaning to life? what do i want to accomplish before i die?" so ALL of this believe it or not... is NORMAL. don't fret! :) Now.. what do you do about it? You figure out what your path is, what your meaning is, what you want to accomplish. And you go get it. A great tip/tool to help I heard on a podcast is to take a notepad and one 1 page write down all the things that bring you ABSOLUTE JOY - makes you happy regardless of wht mood you're in, that will always bring a smile to your face, things you'd do for free and be happy (it could be career related things, personal hobbies, whatever).... it could be "eating a perfectly cooked medium rare steak!" even. Then take the other notepad and write down all the things that make you stressed, sad, depressed. In the end you look at each notepad and figure out the patterns and underlying foundatino to all the things that make you happy/joyous, and all the things that make you mad/depressed or suck joy out of you. In figuring out these 2 "underlying" things for you - you can develop a plan around how to add and incorporate as mnay thinsg that bring joy to you and remove all the things that create stress. We're talking things like, "i am happiest when i am solving complex problems in business" or "i am happiest when i'm able to teach and train others" or "i am happiest when i am one with nature and preserving it" to "i am happiest when I am active and bettering my health", etc. then you refine it more.. maybe it'll show you are happiest helping others, or teaching, or solving big problems, or entertaining, or working with food (chef?) etc. Good luck to you. This is NORMAL. Now go with it to build out and plan out the rset of your life with the things that bring you pure joy! (and remove all those things that impede you from enjoying pure joy!)
  3. Point #1: this is what friends are for. So you have to gutt it out if you want to keep her as a friend. There are thinsg you can do to "distract" yourself a little bit to pass the time while she goes thru her "normal details" that you don't have to pay attentino to know what's coming. And just come back when the important stuff comes up. Point #2: typically this means there is unresolved issues within her that is being triggered. That's almost always what's going on when things can twist in a moment and get personal. So this issue or her reaction, and the fight, is not really with the bf - but with her past. Something about her past that the current conversation is triggering. That's what you got to explore with her, or encourage her to explore with a professional. As long as these things from the past linger in us (aka "baggage"), the longer we will not be successful at certain things and certainly relationships. So ask her why she thinks it got personal? What about it made it personal for her to need to become personal back towards the bf's? There is no blaming, no "you're wrong" in all this - just a "why" exploration to figure out why - and thus work to diffuse that going forward. Good luck.
  4. people always get this wrong.. tryin to pre-script their "moves". Why do we do that? READ the date, the situatino, your interaction, and setup the kiss well ahead of time so that it's clear you want to kiss her, that she has plenty of time to signal a "yes" or "no".. if you aren't clear about whether you should kiss your date and if they want you to by the time yo uwant to attempt it - don't do it. you've failed during the date to setup the kiss. you SHOULD KNOW already what her answer is and if she wants you to kiss her by the time you attempt it - so you know whether to attempt it. DON'T PRE-SCRIPT it! enjoy the date. be present during the date. pay attention to her during the date and her reactions to your signals. look for her signals on whether she's saying yes or no before you attempt it.
  5. if you're not intersted in her, the no of course not. but if you are.. umm.. duh..yes. if she does it again then you have an established pattern and can then conclude for sure. i don' think this 1X you can make a clear conclusion .. because she INVITED YOU ALONG! It's not as if she shut you out and left you dry. SHE INVITED YOU TO JOIN HER! don't forget that part. your interpretation and revisionist history of memory towards the event is wrong. SHE INVITED YOU TO JOIN HER!
  6. yes you can make this up. how many times have we heard this story and its ended in disaster 99% of the time. (very rare that these things work out). I call it the 85/15 rule. You have 85% fulfilment from your marriage, but 15% is missing (the "fun stuff"). Along comes a new person who can easily supply the 15% fun stuff and things seem perfect.. b/c you are now 100% fulfilled, except your wife is supplying 85% of it but you attribute it t othe "new, fun 15%" person. don't be fooled by the 85/15 rule. If you lose your family and wife and home and the 85 goes away, you're going to quicklyk see how the 15% was only 15% and where will the other 85% come from? Most of the time pepole have this realization and the 85 never comes- they realize they weren't as compatible as they thought, they weren't as connected as they thought. They only felt that way b/c they had 85% of their needs taken by their existing relationship. Beyond that.. this is a very dangerous and bordering on LEGAL ramifications if you get with somebody you supervise. Not only coudl you lose your job or be sited for sexual harrassment (someday.. maybe when things don't go well, the honymoon period wears off, and you get into a fight or ven BREAK UP!), but your mistress to be could lose her job and have to look elsewhere and then blame YOU because HR won' allow you 2 to be together. Thing long and hard on this one. If you really want to do it - then divorce your wife and set her free before you do anything. If ou find you can't or hesitate - that's the 85% talking to you telling you "no.. i can't let go of the 85% I already have secured!"
  7. this is what abusers do. it's part of how they "program" a victim's brain. they abuse, apologize. abuse again, apologize. it's a never ending cycle to keep pushin gthe limits of brain programming and control of their victim more and more. don't trust it. dont' play the game any longer. you don't want to be with an abuser. get out now before it becomes way too deep and complicated for you to feel you can have an out anymore.
  8. no problem... best of luck to you. i hope it ends up helping you out.
  9. sounds like you aren't trying to initiate a friendship but dating... no? Answer that one first. As for me, in the end what you learn is it DOESN'T MATTER the WHAT when developing anything.. what matters is the WITH WHOM. So the real answer is - JUST ASK! SOMETHING! But tip 2 is - MAKE IT SPECIFIC! don't just "hey wanna hang out sometime? okay.. let me know when you're free" - that never works. think out of the box. be open minded. be in the moment and things will come to you. anythi nthat sounds interesting to you, or you'd like to go do - why not ask them if they'd like to join you for it? any cool show, new restaurant, etc. - why not ask if they'd like to check it out with you? if you notice something they are into (there is always clues somewhere around them) - if it appeals to you - why not ask if they'd like to partake in that activty together? lastly.. PAY ATTENTION when you converse and do MORE LISTENING than talking. maybe something when you talk reveals a potential "going out" opportunity. EX. "hey have you heard about this new craze that people are starting to do? These "escape rooms"?" ("oh yeah! i heard they were a lot of fun!") - BINGO! "I was thinking of checking one out.. want to join me and check one out together?" just be open. in the moment. something will naturally lend itself to "hey wanna go do.." the only time it doesn't is if you're trying to fit it within some constrained context of "rules" it must follow.... blech!
  10. you need to allow room for the fact that maybe she's just not into sex. Not everybody is into sex. Especially post-menopausal. You can't force somebody not into sex into sex - that just isn't cool. And it is selfish and "all about you" at that point if all you can talk about is sex and talking about how you need it. Have you asked her once why she doesn't seem to be into sex as much? Have you asked her what would make her enjoy and desire more sex together (and if it's possible)? Have you gotten her side of the story yet? If not - then she's telling you straight to your face (and correct) that this is all about you and that you're being selfish. NO relatoinship is healthy or sustainable when either or both sides is being selfish and making it all about them. Lastly.. after finding out her side - you have a decision to make. If you are sexually incompatible is that a deal break for you? Is the sex that improtant to you that it's enough to leave her? If you were to isntead find a completely sexual creature but had nothing else you wanted - would that be a better relationship for you and would you be happier with that? These are all the questions you must prepare to answer after you find out her story. EX. For me. The bedroom IS important and I have come to accept that I need a highly sexually energetic person who desires and enjoys sex and enjoys giving and exploring in the bedroom. it took me a long time to admit and accept that but i do now. and so it is a must in my relationships. the bonus is - once you are able to accept and acknowledge that and thus it becomes part of your search - the search is more productive and who comes along ends up being more conducive to that in a strange twist of fate. The bedroom for me has been fantastic since.
  11. I disagree. She invited you to come - YOU refused. It's not as if you had been dating a while either (I gather it was just a first date) - so you had no obligation towards each other at that point. I would ask her out again and MAKE a date out of it.. none of this "contact me when you're free" stuff. Come up with a specific date, a time, a plan - and ask her to join you for it: - if she says 'no' - she's not into you - if she says 'no, that date doesn't work for me - but i'm free on (insert another date/time to go out)' - she's into you - if she says 'yes', duh.. she's into you. Good luck.
  12. In what way is "perfect for the most part"? This has trouble written ALL OVER IT. First you dated a girl that your best friend used to date (BAD NEWS!) She made out with him just before dating you (BAD NEWS!) You both struggle with trust issues towards each other (BAD NEWS!) There is no relationship here.. just desperate using of each other for somethign other than love. Leave. Walk. Move on.
  13. to be honest.. now is not the best time for ou to get emotionally involved in a relationship. you are mourning, maybe even feeling lonely. this sets you up to make bad compromised choices in companionship. heal. mourn. never go relationship "hunting" when you are in need of companionship. only go"hunting' when you DON'T need companionship. my condolences on your father. *hugs* hang in there. it'll happen someday when it's supposed to, when you're ready for it (mentally, psychologically, physically), and when you're intended partner is too.
  14. in my mind you are being unreasonable. you don't have a right to tell your anybody who they can have as friends - which is what this thing is. you have EVERY RIGHT to tell him you don't trust her, are not comfortable with how she's acting towards him, etc.e tc. - but yo do not have the right to tell him what to do with his life. my assessment of this situation is: your bf is legit and on the up n up here - nothing suspicious on his side. but definitely somethig suspicious and desperate from the viet girl. but you can NOT blame or gult your bf over what SHE does. he can't control what she does. he can only control what HE does and he has not done anythign wrong to this point. Oh he hasn't been perfect (he could tell her she needs to stop with the luvvy dubby stuff and that he's with you and happy and she needs to respect that and not push loaded comments anymore), but he's been legit. people have a right to "care" for other people, especially ex's - after all they once loved them - as long as they are being appropriate and loyal - which he has. So in my opinion you did step over the line. And while you have every right to feel wha tyou feel about her and her actions - you should keep your comments/influence to just that - how it makes you feel. it's his court/responsibility on what to do about it with that information in mind an dhow to handle it. And as long as he's loyal to you and not lying or hiding anything from anybody (which he hasn't) - and everybody does have a right to their privacy as well - then you can't ask for anymore than that.
  15. definitely relax (aka step back and take a breathe) and just observe. it's okay to say "how you doing? is everything ok?" but not "hey is everythign okay with us?" (aka dont make it about you.. make it about her.. that you're concerned or worried and noticed that maybe she isn't okay and you want to be there) she could be just "goin through something" - or she could be one of those drama-filled unstable gals. that's why relaxing, not p ushin things, letting her be and letting her act on her own free will, and then OBSERVING what she does with that free wil - is your best move. It will tell you the MOST and give you MOST of the information you seek if you can just observe and not get in your own way and into your own head with your own "freaking out" assessment. time will tell. it always does. so relax and let it tell you. then do what you need to once it tells you.
  16. oh.. i will say this. of the gals i've slept with once and it was over after that - it as typically because we were incompatible in bed. or moreso.. my philosophy is that you see people's true colors where they can't hide in 2 places only (actually 3 places now): 1. in the bedroom during sex 2. when they're driving 3. when they're buzzed in my opinion these are the areas where people show their true colors - how selfish they are, how giving they are, how interested they are, how aggressive or docile they are, what's important to them, are they a taker or a giver, are the open or closed-minded, adventurous or conservative, etc. so the times i slept once and it was over is because we were SO NOT A MATCH in bed - like drastically so - that it was clear it wouldn't work out long-term. i dont' know if most guys are like that BUT - realize that how you are in bed probably says a lot about your true colors (regardless of how you portray yourself publicly otherwise). So what are you? is there anything there that could be non-conducive to relationships?
  17. ok..... wow.. ok. here we go: do you think that what I did was unforgivable? there is some logic to what you did - it is understandable. however, it is NOT how healthy people act and not the type of behavior conducive to long-term love success. So yes it is forgivable, but it's also detrimental and unhealthy. Best to stop it - figure out how to. A big step in doing that is to remember that you CAN NOT hold "new guys" responsible for anythin that happened in the past. You just can't. You can only hold them responsible for what they ACTUALLY DO. (Just as you would never want any guy to make YOU pay for the wrongdoings of his ex's right?) how do I heal from my past and stop jumping to conclusions? realize firstly that it WILL take time. changing your perspective, mentality, and how yo approach life is NO SMALL TASK and it WILL TAKE TIME. And you will have to be persistent and consistent in committing to the change - because your "natural instincts" will keep trying to pull you back to your "old self" which does these unhealthy things. So first.. allow yourself a lot of time and committment to trust that the hard work and time is WORTH IT to not go thru this again down the road. ok? Again.. a big step is to stop holding "new guys" responsible for past experiences that others have imposed upon you. That is a HUGE step (aka "learning to let go" and "staying in the moment"). Step 2 is to go back and identify all of the common things about the guys that used you for sex and see what characteristics you can gather that might help tip you off to the bad apples going forward. Some things may be - emphasis is a bit too much about sex too early, they tend to want to move fast, are they "turning on" the charm and romance early on (you said in your last incident you slept together in about a week no?)? Find out al of these commonalities and put them in the "red flag" bank. Then see how things go. Which red flags prove to be wrong (not indicative of using you for sex or emphasizing sex?) Step 3 will be the hardest part. What I've learned in life is that what you attract is typically a refletion upon where you are. If you are insecure, down, have low expectations - you will attract the people that can satisfy low-expectations and insecure people's needs (like.. "being used"). Do you have a need to be in a relatinoship? Are scared of being alone or single? have a need to be liked or adored (and by men specifically)? Are you insecure? Do you feel like you can't have high quality guys and only low quality guys are "in your league"? for me. I used to go for what was "easy" and I knew i could get and win over - but didn' go after the high quality people. So in a way i was desperate and low-expectations and insecure. Once I stopped that and demanded more of myself, more for myself, and raised my expectations that only quality gals can be with me, and that i need to ensure i am a quality guy for them and work on lots of things on myself (like being more fun, understanding, conversational, a better partner, better supportive partner, a better person in general and a higher quality person) - things turned around for me. Thats' plenty for now. Realize that the brain is a POWERFUL force in our universe and the energy that surrounds you. So your mentality, thoughts, etc. - play a HUGE part in all this. (I expect doctors and scientists in the future to figure this out and have studies to prove it down the road. We don't appreciate the power of our brains and our thoughts yet in today's science). Goood luck and hit me up any time if ou want to talk. I've been thru this and made the change myself.
  18. yeah.. she isn't over him. she's confused. she isn't ready for a relatoinships with anybody regardless of her feelings. sure you want her - but it takes 2 to make a relatioships. until she clears her head and is ready - there s no relationship possible here. give her space and time and in the meantime explore otehr things (other dates, other hobbies, whatever). if and when she's ready and she is still interested she'll come back to you. if not - and ti's very possible she won't - then hopefully you've moved on by then. my recommendation is that you prepare to move on... now.
  19. what you need to realize is... it is NOT important how you felt you did and how you assess how bad/good what you did was. you are not the person who has had to deal with this al lhis life. HE IS. Therefore, what is important here is how bad it felt and triggered HIM and thus what HE is thinking and is thinking of doing about this. do you understand? It counts ZERO if i think my "black joke" is racist and how bad i think that joke is. It matters more how a black person TAKES that joke and if THEY were offended by it. Get it? If yo'ure main goal here is a relationship with HIM, and HE got hurt - then it doesn't matter what YOU thought about what you did - it matters what HE thought becuse HE may end it because of what you did... understand?
  20. there is no shame in saying you aren't strong enough to be the one to solve her problem for herself. ask yourself what you want (not what she wants) and do what will make you happiest and most fulfilled in life. there is no shame in wnating a fulfilling life for yourself. So figure out which direction will do that for you and dedicate yourself to that path.
  21. congrats and great job! see! we are NOT victims and CAN own our own destinies! :)
  22. why do you "need" this job? i would let them investigate and see what they offer. don' offer anything until they offer something. even at that i would negotiate and try to get as much as you can - if they won't take care of yoru visa, let's say, ask for more money or an upfront check for "relocation expenses" - which can include "help to pay a deposit or 1st/last on a lease" so you can find a place nearby t omake it convenient for work (which they can realize makes you more accessible to them for work needs). so don't worry. if they like you and want you - they will come up with some type of offer at which point you should haggle to get a better deal. (it's just a matter of finding a middle ground then).
  23. yeah i tink she likes you. that isn't the hard part though. WHY does she suddenly like you is the real question here. is it because of wha tyou say? is it because she' getting tired of waiting and is sincerely interested in you? or is she using you to light a fire under somebody else she likes? that's your job to find out. but go with it and spend time with her and have fun - the truth will always come out over time.
  24. the secret to converssation is not to find things you can by formula and script say to others. the key is to LISTEN... pay attention.. and ask questions and follow-up questions to what the other person is saying so you can learn about them. good luck.
  25. well.. you have to undrestand that your husband is an abuse victim with this woman. So you can't just answer "what would you do" because unless one is an abuse victim they can't answer correctly. what's going on is your husband is terrified of her and thus can't leave - almost like an outter body experience. h eknows he should leave, but he's too terrified to. the best way to get him out of there is to just let him know he's loved and that he's not alone.. and that he has nay help he ever needs whenever he needs - unconditionally. you need to do your best not to fuel or give the abusive friend any fuel to use and twist to her agenda to convince your husband more that she's right. so don' address her or fight with her - just keep it directly with him and letting him hear an alternative narrative that will eventually break thru and hit his "logic" side which he can't deny (it may take time.. it will take a lot of dedication to get there). If at any point you sense that he may be in any danger then I would contact the authorities and let them know you feel your husband is being held against his will and in danger with this woman. You will need to provide proof. That he is "not allowed" to come home to his family and wife for extended periods of time because this "friend" won't allow him to (if you can prove that) would be powerful information and evidence to give the authorities justification to act. Good luck.
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