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Everything posted by thisisrichey

  1. Of course the X popped up again - you keep giving him reason to. He'll keep popping up until you give him no reason to. He knows how to push your buttons and you LET HIM do it - so it'll continue as long as you both are willing to play this game. So.. cut him off. You and X are going nowhere - that's why you're ex's and have remained it. it's so easy to get greedy and "look a gift horse in the mouth" - but it's foolish to.
  2. To answer your question: ask her out. If she says no again - then she doesn't see you as a potential bf. Stop having feelings for her and notice other girls. Best thing to do is to quit obssessing over girls (or a girl) and have a fun life and get busy doing stuff you love. The more fun and better life yo have, the most you get THEM to come to YOU.... instead of you sitting at home waiting to text them 24/7 and then looking a bit desperate and basically pleading with them (aka begging) to try and get them to go out with you. (yes i'm exagerrating, but that is essentially what this is...) Many guys do it. I used to do it all the time. Trust me.. it's better when you do the opposite and stop obssessing about them.
  3. As I like to put it - it's never the incident itself that matters - it's what hapens in the aftermath that matters. That she postponed the date is not an issue. It's how she explains it or what she does after postponing the date that matters. Life happens. Plans chaging happens. don't conclude anythign until you see what she says or does about it after she postpones it. (If she's already rescheduled the date to get together another time - you're gold. It just means somethign came up.... sue her..) It's the AFTERMATH that tells you everything, not the incident itself - ALWAYS!
  4. let it go. learn to let it go. most important thing any of us can learn to do. THEN.. learn how to spot it for next time so yo udont' allow it ever again. You did what you had to at the time. It served a purpose for you at the time. Now it's time to move on. No biggie. Let it go.
  5. Firstly. it's not IRRATIONAL to not like them. So stop beating yourself up for not liking her. It's okay to not like people. In fact many people don't deserved to be liked these days lol. Part 2 is the more important part though... to be jealous of her because you don't like her. This part is what you should work on and concern yourself with. It's hard - because it's against human nature to not get jealous or mad when somebdoy you see as a bad person and dislikeable person is "getting away with it" and yo udon't know why (welcome to the modern world.... happens all over the place...) The best thing all of us can learn in our lifetime is to LET IT GO.... to let things go... and to not worry about anybody else - be it how they think of us, treat us, or how their life is going compared to ours (because that is exactly what this is.. you're getting frustrated because somebody you see as being a lesser person and less deseving than you for the attention they get.. IS GETTING IT and getting away with it.... how can this be?). so.. learn to let go of thing. learn to NOT care about others opinions or how other people are doing. just focus on you, your world, and making your world the best one you can. Doesn't matter what's going on elsewhere. Once you can do that.. LIFE GETS WAY EASIER... and better.
  6. ha. I believe most people 40+ and back to dating have some bit of "emotionally unavailable" in them - not just men. I see a LOT of it in females too. So.. as they say.. quit worrying about other people's houses and just worry about your own house. nobody likes a judgmental person who only wants to see other people's shortcomings when we all have our own. Good luck.
  7. So.. because you are the more "needy" one and she is the more "independent" one - I believe you will need to make the first step and be less "needy". This shows her you are willing to do what it takes to make HER happy. I believe once you're able to do and learn this she will then miss you more and make an effort to be more affectionate towards you to help your "neediness." Do that a couple times and I think you'll find your balance. I wouldn't worry about the "I would trust that you would have the courage to leave this relationship if it doesn't meet your needs.." - that's just how "independent" types are and it doesn't mean they don't want you (as i'n sure that's how you took it). I am an "independent type" and have said that to somebody before who I truly love and would 100% commit to no problem.... Unfortunately it's the "needier" ones that have to make the first step. Right now you are both seeing it from your own needs rather than the other person's needs - so SOMEBODY has to make the first move to break the barrier and say "see.. this is how much I want and love you.. I'm willing to step out of MY shell FOR YOU.." and that type of behavior becomes contagious once one person commits to doing it. So.. yeah.. sorry. It would be nice sometimes if the OTHER person is that person but given that there is 1 needy and 1 independent here, the needy person has to be the one to do it first. Good luck! Know that she still loves and is committed you so don't worry about that. Learn to feel self-reassured then NEED her to reassure you. This will help IMMENSELY open her up to you.
  8. no.. she's not trying to make you jealous. she just doesn't see you like that. a girl interested and wanting you, would not go out and get ANOTHER BOYFRIEND and have a relationship with somebody else - to get YOU jealous. that's not how it works. Nor would they ignore you and not follow thru on wanting to see you if they TRULY wanted to see you. she has zero for you romantically. accept that and move on.
  9. you are both being immature. "I ignored him and he still didn't message me" - wreaks of immaturity on both sides. Let this one go. Neither of you trust each other and neither of you has changed to give any indication it'll be any different if you get together. As for him. My assessment of him is that he's one that needs the "excitement" and the "newness" of relationships to excite him and then gets bored with the actual relationship. So he's not one you want to be with anyway. He's already proven all he does is dream and try to make things exciting, and then eventually gets bored to find something new and exciting elsewhere. This would be a pattern forever if you stuck with him. You deserve better.
  10. This relationship is too far damaged to work. Here is the problem from his side: 1. you broke up with him initially (so you were the one that jumped on a whim first). 2. you continue to judge and illegitimized every single one of his feelings.. anything he does not to your satisfaction is him being "irrational" or "carrying resentment for you". But you never self-criticize in the same fashion. 3. you only suddenly "worked it out" when he decided to leave you - yes.. "how convenient.." You have put him thru the roller coaster ringer and so there is zero trust anymore. And when you've lost trust, you've lost the relationship. That's where this is now. It's time to self-reflect YOUR contribution to the damaging of this relationship - not his. You have been the instigator of 90% of it (yes he pushed marriage sooner.. but since that's what you want that's a minor offense). As I read this - AND THIS IS FROM YOUR PERSECTIVE EVEN, NOT HIS - it's still clear that you have put him thru the ringer - yet you clearly criticize him for it all. You only see it from your side and what your needs are - not his. This one is lost. Sorry. Learn from it. Assess it. Realize YOUR contribution to it so you can improve and not make the same mistakes in a future relationship.
  11. oh and if you don't agree with this then you need to be more specific and honest in your postings.... "hosts that provide coffee and cake only - and only when offered take it or leave it" so you can get the exact clientele you want to do business with - which i YOUR EVERY RIGHT to do so and nothign wrong with that. BUT BE UPFRONT about that. (I say the above in exagerration to make a point.. please dont' take that seriously... but defintiely be more clear about what the house rules are in general and what the expectations are that you have or want to maintain for your business if that's what you seek)... Congrats and continued success on yoru business by the way!
  12. you're being too picky and fussy. The world is diverse, with lots of diverse teachings and cultures, customs, and beliefs. don't assume everybody was brought up or brought up to think like you. don't assume that the way YOU were brought up is the only and right way. As long as they're being respectful and good guests and not tearing up your house and paying on time and being respectful to your property - yo dont' owe them anymore than that, and they don't owe you anymore than that. This is passive-aggressive behavior and that's not healthy.. To do something to initiate a specific reaction back and anythign else is wrong - that's passive-aggressive. LOSE IT. I could even tell you, "yeah.. maybe not even offer them anythign specific"... just ask them "is there anythign i can get for you?" instead of offering specific things. Why? Offering coffee and cake - what if they're gluten intolerant or a diabetic? what if they are tryign to kick a caffeine habit or its' bad for them? See? They are your GUESTS! it hould be up to THEM , not YOU as to what works for them and what, if anything, they may need or want. It is YOUR job, as a host, to accomodate that, NOT dictate that. Now.. I nkow you mean well and i don't fault or critizize you for that. But remember... if you are doing your job right - ITS THE GUESTS being accomodated, not teh HOSTS. The Guests job is to be respectful, not dictated to. Hope this helped.
  13. you will notice that any negatives you are saying about this man are based on what others think (with a small part of that being how you look to others, which again is putting the power in what others think).... that's a bad way to live man - and it never works out good when you do that. Let's just supposed that you met somebody instead that everybody else in the world approves of... say like a lawyer or celebrity.. but he mistreats you. Is that what you wnat? Somebody everybody else approves of and sees as good for you but then mistreats you? The entire world approved of Bill Cosby for decades as a scholarly father-type figure. Who the F cares now that we know how he TREATS people? The best thing any of us can learn in our lifetimes is to F what other peopel think of us and stop letting that make our decisions or rule our lives. Truly. Who the F cares what they think? if they look down on you? If you love him, he's good to you, and your'e happy outside of how others perceive and make you feel about it - then i think you have a pretty good thing going then. Lastly.. as far as "our lives have to be simlar and compatible" - no thtey don't. It's all about who loves you and woudl do anythign for you and treats you well because they care enough about you to want to see you happy - and you for them. THAT'S what its all about. So if that means you're in the Circus and he's on Wall Street - who FREAKING cares? Good luck.
  14. you have to have your end game in mind and work towards it. And that MUST include cutting out any dependency on ANYBODY ELSE (let alone your parents). This is what happens when you create a dependency on anybody else. Now I get it, sometimes we just have to be dependent. Granted. But we must also work every livign day with every bit of energy to break free of that dependence at every moment until it's done. And like others said there ARE OPTIONS to choosing to be dependent on your parents - you can choose to be dependent on more healthy people and make more healthy arrangements. YOU CONTROL how you're depndent and to whom. so OWN that and take power over that. Put together an end gagme plan that's do-able and list the steps to how to do it. Then get it done. You have more control and power and options than you realize. DON'T STOP at the easiest and first one you think of and brainstorm it.. then put together the puzzle of the "doable" pieces. good luck.
  15. i only skimmed thru your stuff so take this with a grain of salt. 1. your love for somebody can't be about what they can provide to you (how many kids but what time at what age,e tc.) it needs to be about what you are together and how happy you are together. All that other stuff is not about relatoinship - it's about agenda. And agenda's always f up relationships. 2. as i said.. its about how happy you are together with nothing else factoring in (like babies, timing, years, etc.) so you have to make sure you are doing what is best and makes you happiest and what situation is conducive to that and does not combat that. 3. don't cheat.. ever. if you're truly done with person A, then set them free and let them know and DO NOT betray them. Take care o business before you start self-fulfilling in other areas. You're an adult. ACT LIKE ONE so you'll be treated and respected like one in the future. Guarantee you.. if Person B realizes you cheated on Person A to be with her - she'll see you as a cheater and devalue you and you just screwed yourself. 4. You owe nothign to other people, you owe only to yourself. That being said, don't be a and mislead or do anythign to hurt other people. Sack up and do the right thing and be an adult (as i said before). good luck on your decision.
  16. not sure what you're asking with all that other stuff but here is the answer: yes trust your gutt. Our brains/minds tend to do a lot of convincinng to us and reasoning that isn't so reasoning. Gutt instincts have been scientifically proven to factor in things we dont' even realize to get that reaction out of us (body language, energy the other person is putting out, etc.) ALWAYS trust your instincts and gutts. Lastly.. whether it's PAIN or not has nothing to do with it. Avoiding pain is the worst thing we can do because it makes us make the worst decisions in our lives.We shoudl always decide based on WHAT'S BEST and what's THE TRUTH - which can be painful. but in the end, not following the best and true path will become MORE PAINFUL. (so in essence, avoiding pain today is forucing yourself to endure MORE PAIN in the end). Simply put. take your medicine when you should and you'll be better off in the end.
  17. Not sure what this is but it definitely could be "fantasy" or his version of "dirty talk" that gets him off? Weird part is he won't tell you - that part i dont' get. So i woudl just do this... i'm not into ultimatums but this situation i thin it's okay. "Listen.. either you tell me and explain to me this "no relationship" + "have my baby" thing so i completely undrestnd it - or no more sex...." That oughtta do it and if he still mumbles his way thru it - let him go and move on. good luck
  18. never stop talking to your friends. drop this guy - he's just using you for pleasure. bigger and better out there for you. good luck.
  19. thisisrichey


    Yep this is inappropriate and not subtle. I agree with the rest. Deal with HIM first and give him a chance to clean up. "I don't appreciate and am not amused nor interested in your advances or suggestiveness. If it doens't stop I will no longer be around when you're present, and pretty sure that (friend's name) will ask me why at some point - at which point I will tell her..." Sorry to hear this is happening. Good luck.
  20. not sure what's going on with her but YOU need to stop keeping tabs on her and knowing what she is up to, doing, or acting, etc. just STOP keeping tabs on her and move on. In the end, it doesn't matter why or what she does if its over. So walk away.
  21. never ever ever ever get involved when: 1. the other person is not completely single and clear 2. you are not completely single and clear it never works. until they or you have made a final split or committment to split (via paper filing, moving out, etc.) - neither is ready to get with anybody else. period... end of story.
  22. "you can't force a square peg in a round hole" - that's how you deal with this. I have a mentally abusive father - it made me very insecure and unsure of myself for a long long time as a young adult and especially as a teenager. I even forbid him to have contact with me in any form for almost 5-6 yrs due to his conduct. (and now all i have to do is if he ever starts acting pu again, i just put the wall up and stop engaging with him and he shuts it off). Pavlov. It's all pavlov folks. Reward desired behavior. Un-reward un-desired behavior. I engage and get into my relationship with my father when he behaves in a desired manner (not mentally abusing, not meddling, etc.) When he does, he loses his son. His choice. I've laid out the rules and groundwork and told him what they are - now the rest is up to him. it's not my responsibility or obligation to "fix" him or our relationship anymore. As it is YOUR life, YOU have a right to live it any way you want and that includes who you let into your life and who yo don't. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to accept and involve them in your life. Yes you respect that their your parents - but other than that you don't owe them anything. its YOUR life. Good luck.
  23. teaches you for snooping lol. its much better to assess people in person rather than try to figure them out before you meet them. trust yourself. trust your judgement. and good luck and hopefully have fun.
  24. hey congrats! you guys are making an excellent move and what most of us big city dwellers are figuring out - life is too expensive in the big cities (or in the expensive states) that we get too caught up trying to stay above water to be able to sit back and smell the roses. i myself am tryin to secure a work from home job so i can move to a much cheaper area (CT... i now live in the Bay Area which is routinely #1 or #2 expense of living in America). So I'm hoping to secure a similar situation to you - secure a CA salary that lets me work from home and live anywhere, then move to CT (where my gf lives) that's much cheaper. Good luck to you and your family (future and present!)
  25. why are you trying to figure out what you are before you ever meet? that is not well used energy. This one is simple: if money/wealth and the disparity in wealth is a dealbreaker for you - don't date him. If you are okay with it - go out on a date and get to know him and see how it goes in person WITHOUT putting all these obstacles and analysis BEFORE hand. You don't assess the "relationship" with all these things you come up with BEFORE YOU EVER MEET! Good luck.
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