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Suddenly1821

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  1. Yes it was the only thing I could think of at the time. I’m sorry you experienced something similar. It certainly is debilitating. I try to have a normal day but it always eats away at me and then I end up just going home and ruminating.
  2. Yes very exhausting. I do see a therapist but the entire situation is too embarrassing for me to say out loud. Writing it is the only thing I can seem to do.
  3. One of the first things I did was make a donation - checked all the money I spent that night and matched it when I donated.
  4. I struggled with what to title this. In 2018, I had a night out with my girlfriends that still haunts me. My husband of 3 years but boyfriend of 12 had left me the year before so I was in the midst of a divorce and really struggling. The much needed night out with girlfriends was on what would have been my 4th wedding anniversary. We had a great time at dinner and all drank a fair amount. After, one of the girls (I’m not super close to her but have known her for awhile) and I decided to go to a bar when everyone else went home. While there a man I was NOT interested in came home to us and started hitting on me. He chatted with us for a bit and then left back to his friends. The place was not packed. Admittedly we drank a lot there and while I can remember a lot of the night including conversations, there are brief moments of time I don’t recall. I went to the restroom several times. I remember paying and I remember us leaving. Unfortunately, I drove us home. I live about 7 minutes from the place and she lives a few blocks away from me. I’m not saying the 7 minutes to excuse myself I am providing it as frame of reference for time and how much I remember/did not remember. I remember the drive home but not the entire drive step by step. I know this is wrong and I had never done it before and have not done it since and have made sure that if I am drinking I Uber home. I have a great deal of anxiety in general. I often spend hours ruminating about whether I am repressing memories. The day after I was a little hungover but not sick. I was mad at myself for driving but nothing else occurred to me. In the days later I started worrying about whether or not I had had sex in the bathroom with the guy who was hitting on me. I have only ever had one sexual partner and that was my ex husband. Sex is not something I take lightly. However, I have had fantasies of sex with a stranger in bathroom. I sometimes feel like I remember him opening the door with me and me thinking at the time “eh this was a fantasy of mine anyway.” I don’t know if I actually remember him opening the bathroom door with me - I have a vague recollection of that but I don’t know if it’s because I was thinking of my fantasy when I was walking to the restroom or if it actually happened or if I’m creating false memories by thinking about it so much. It was not a one person at a time restroom so if it did happen I presume others would have seen and said something? Because I am not close to the girl I was with it took me until a month ago to ask if anything out of character for me happened that night or if I did anything stupid. We were sitting close to the restroom. She said it was a perfectly fine night. However if it did happen she may not know it happened. I have been tested for STDs and all is negative. But the thought that this may have happened has been haunting me for a year and a half and is making me sick. Is there a possibility that I would not remember something like that happening. Thanks for listening.
  5. Agreed. I started seeing a therapist to work through my issues. I do not drink much at all. Probably once a month if that.
  6. I had posted the same question on a different site. And I got an infraction notice. I didn’t realize I couldn’t do that.
  7. Yes thank you I saw before I had to remove it. Thanks!
  8. Creating a new post because I didn’t realize I couldn’t copy my post from somewhere else. Sorry!! I met a guy through a mutual friend. I’m not sure if he’s interested. He is recently divorced as am I. He is terribly shy. I am too. We both get less shy after drinking. He has not dated anyone since his divorce and neither have I. When we all hang out in a group he will make sure to text me to make sure I get home ok. I know he doesn’t do this to others. He has often texted me the day after we hang out in a group to either say he had a good time and a few times he has invited me to hang out that day. Each time I’ve been busy or have had something going on. I realize this makes me seem uninterested. A few weeks ago we went out for a birthday. We went to see a live band and at some point he took my hand and waist to dance with him and we did for awhile. We were the last two who left that night. We had been drinking a lot. We each took separate ubers home his Uber arrived first. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and then he went to his Uber came back out gave me another kiss on the cheek and then on my hand. He texted me to make sure I got home ok and we chatted for a bit. This past weekend we all hung out again at a party. He was flirtatious. He called me hot and beautiful in front of other people. He brought up a conversation we had months ago that I thought he would have forgotten. He texted me again to make sure I got home ok. The next day he texted me a picture of what he was eating and a beer. He was out with his friend. He invited me to join them but I couldn’t. We continued to text. Later on that night he texted again and he said he would like to hang out with me in the future. I agreed and the conversation ended. I realized I need to put in an effort so yesterday I sent a text in the afternoon. I still haven’t received a response. It wasn’t a question just a picture. He’s not very active on social media so I don’t know if he’s been on his phone. I know that his divorce left him devastated as she cheated and used him for money. He is not aggressive at all and is afraid of making people mad. His ex wife was also very hot and I have low self confidence so I wouldn’t say I’m near her level at all. He is ten years older but we have a lot in common. Does this seem like he’s interested? I started to feel like he’s only reaching out when he’s drinking but I looked back and there have been times when he has reached out or responded when sober. Any insight is appreciated. The last time I was single I was 14 as I married my high school boyfriend and I’m 32 now.
  9. Thank you to everyone for your replies. It certainly made me feel much better. I will try not to blame myself for the situation. I’m going to look at it as a learning lesson as many pointed out. It was just very unexpected and I was caught off guard.
  10. Thanks for your reply! Just to clarify because I see now I didn’t word it correctly, I didn’t fall into his arms. He grabbed me as I was walking and spun me around to face him.
  11. Not sure if this is the right place to post - my apologies in advance! I currently work in the same university from which I graduated a few years ago. I also received my graduate degree there. There was a professor I had once in undergraduate and once in graduate school. He is beloved and a great teacher - confident, empowering, tough but teaches great lessons. He is currently 72 years old (married with children and grandchildren) and still teaches occasionally in the graduate program. He occasionally made comments to me and other girls about our appearance. Nothing crazy - "you look beautiful" type of things. We always got along well and would talk after class or on campus once I became an employee. I was a very good student and he would talk to me about papers I had written and we would share educational conversations. Fast forward to present day and he is in town (he now lives in another state) for a class he is teaching. He calls my office and asks if I would like to catch up after his night class over coffee or a drink. I see nothing wrong with it and agree. He then suggests the restaurant at his hotel. Something about that made me uncomfortable so I suggest somewhere closer to campus, he rebukes my suggestions and instead picks a loud popular bar at a midway point between the campus and his hotel. His class ends at 8pm, we agree to meet at 8:30. Once there we sit and order drinks and appetizers. Conversation proceeds normally for about 25 mins - work, school, life (I am in the middle of a divorce), etc. He starts suggesting we go somewhere more quiet to which I respond that we should just stay there because I have to be at a campus function early the next morning. He then recommends getting a bottle of champagne and going back to his room. This is where things go downhill. I decline and tell him that is not going to happen for xyz reasons - most of all that he is married and my morals would never allow it. I should have left at that point but I was caught off guard, not sure how to handle the situation, and I really am avoiding making a scene - all stupid reasons, I know. He then says he respects my decision and at that point our food arrives. Conversation proceeds normally again and I start to feel fine with the situation - he asked, I said no, everything was ok - I was wrong again. Shortly thereafter he tells me he has been infatuated with me since I was in his first class. He recalled things I wore, a coat I owned, specific sentences I wrote in papers. He asks if we could do anything at all that night. I decline again. He claims to never have done this before (I find that hard to believe), claims that students have come on to him and he has refused them (I again do not believe him but that is besides the point) Admittedly, I was flattered. I am coming out of a 15 years relationship where I was never once made to feel smart, beautiful, or wanted. And, although he is not who I wanted to be hearing it from, it was jarring to hear it said all the same. After a little while more i tell him we are leaving to our respective homes and that whatever he thought was going to happen is not going to happen. He remarks that now he is even more intrigued by me. We leave to the parking lot and he proceeds to walk after me to my car. I walk so quickly my shoe breaks. He spins me around to face him and holds both of my arms to my sides as he attempts to kiss me. I pull away and he asks if he can get in my car. I say no, I get in my car and drive away. This happened two weeks ago. Although nothing technically happened I am still shaken by it. I am upset with myself for not leaving at his first request. I am upset with myself for being flattered at his comments towards me. I feel my behavior towards him could be interpreted as flirtatious. It was a bad combination of being with someone I always looked up to professionally, wine, a lack of self confidence, and never experiencing a feeling of being desired by my husband all wrapped into one. I think I am more upset with my behavior than I am with his. I am sad that perhaps he saw my lack of self confidence and thought I would be an easy target and that's why he chose me. My question is this: am I victim-shaming myself? how do I get passed this? I feel silly sometimes because nothing technically happened. I can handle a dirty conversation - but being grabbed like that was scary, and my arm still hurts. I have learned from the situation, but I still blame myself for so much and am not sure how to reconcile all of it. Thank you for reading.
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