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Unendingmind

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  1. I will commit to nc. A few questions before enacting - We are already planned to swap the dog tom, and go out to the pet store. How do i handel this now? If i just cancel i think shed be mad. We would also have to get in touch in some way after 3 days so she can grab it back. Im thinking easiest thing just tell her tom the dog will be ready wed and his stuff will be by the door, i wont be there? This is the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. 10000% harder then quitting alcohol cold turky on my own for 3 months. Edit : that wonderful knot in my chest seems to have found its way back in full force. (Should i be worried about my heath? It physically hurts)
  2. Yikes okay this all makes sense. Im content with friendship, but that is NOT what im working for. She did just come get her stuff with her dad. I choose to be a man and be here and look him in the eyes, shake his hand, and offer to help. We figured pretty quick the bed wasnt going anywhere so i kept that but she took alot more of her stuff (2+ years sooo much stuff). I guess my current thinking is, meet with her and the dog tom, go out and have a generally good time buying the dog new toys and treats, and then tell her before she leaves i want a few days of reflection with just me and the dog, and start a no contact for at least the 3 days (my entire turn to keep the dog). After that im sure after that, some feelings will get sorted out, and im sure ill ask for advice around that time. Does this seem like the best path to take for where i am? I feel like if i told her to cancel the pet store plans now, i feel it might only add some negitive feelings in my direction. Looking back i do now regret scheduling this with her after hearing these replies, but i dont think its a huge set back. Id like to point out, shes works with dogs and she loves our dog more then anything, and like food is the way to a mans heart (for some or most lol) the way to hers is our dog. That has to play to my favor. I also think it might be good for her to have a good time with all 3 of us united, and then give her alone time to feel what its like without the dog knowing we can all have a good time together. One other thing i noticed is last night i asked for a hug and she gladly came back to give it. Today she initiated the hug before i was even ready. Wasnt super longing or grippy though, possibly because her dad could likely see from outside. You are all excellent people, really and i value every letter you all type.
  3. @bluecastle i just read your responce, thank you so much for sticking with me man, i dont want to undermind anything YOU wrote either, but it already happened once i read your last reply :( sorry. So we did end up meeting up, and to be honest, i think things went great. Alot of things happened, her mood was not happy or very willing to say much. I was just honest and with this new mental clearity i think i charmed her in a way i havent in a while, and once she cracked a smile and laughed, the mood instantly lightned. We had a heart to heart, and she said she still has feelings for me and misses me, but still wants some time to figure herself out too - not to come back but to be friends. “Needing time” didnt last too long because when she drops off our dog for me to share him monday, she accepted my request to go to the store and spoil him. She also saw the money jar, i could tell she was impressed, and she even had a better jar with a smaller opening, so now i have to break it to open it to get to any money. I instantly took her new jar happily. To me, i think that might have been a test of how serious i was. Without even a breath i accepted and switched to the new jar - i am dead serious. We didnt get romantic or show affection, However, when she was leaving she didnt hug me and it just felt wrong, but a mutual wrong i felt from her soul as she walked away to her car. I called out her name and said HEY! No hug? She almost seemed sorry not to offer, or maybe unsure if i wanted one. Anyway, we had a very nice longing holding of eachother, and when she pulled away she held my entire arm and slid her fingers down the entirety of my it. That felt great. I had also asked her if shes happy we talked and hanging out, (we also took a walk fresh air was nice) and she without thinking said yes. Its a very promising road i feel, and after tonight finally since she said the magic words she wanted to leave me 6 days ago, the huge knot and actual pain in my chest got released. I feel like this will only add to my confidince not just with enjoying time with her but in general. Im also accepting the fact that, im content if we cant repair, we can remain close friends. We arent 100% friends as of now, as in, i dont think she would want to meet up all the time, but enough to grow in time without doubt. Then The day will come where *i* choose when im ready, and i feel i can give her all the time in the world to wait and be sure im what she wants. Because if she doesnt, and we stay friends, i could confidantly find someone else when the time comes. But she is my focus and i have no interest in giving any other woman what she deserves, my hardwork will be offered to her exclusivly, and its her choice if she chooses not to have it.
  4. I dont disregard it please please dont think that. If it wasnt for this thread i probally would have done so much more wrong. Thank you for wishing luck. I will present myself as am, single and confidant about being on the correct path for myself, and use all the tools and ideas ive read along the way. Ill have an update tonight. I also hope this could help anyone else reading going through something similar, i know i looked for it before posting my situation.
  5. Oh boy okay so kinda big update and im not sure where it lies. We did make contact, well i did. Only to make arrangments for her to move her stuff out. I texted her, hey can you talk? She said no, im out with my friend responding within a min or two, and i asked alright would YOU WANT TO give me a call when your free? She said sure. Guess she was out alot later then expected, she texted me wayyyy later saying she just got home and we can talk tom. I asked if she would mind a call if it was breif, she agreed. On the phone she said shes coming to get her smaller stuff tomorrow (meaning saturday which is today because im posting this late.)and her dad rented a uhall to come get the big stuff sunday. Owch, that hurts. Kinda really cements the breakup in there. But not all was bad. I asked her for a total honest policy, nothing held back your scared to admit/embarrsed about. I asked if she still missed me, i belive word for word she said “i dont really know” or “im not really sure”, one of the two. That hurt. I asked her to elaborte a bit and she just kinda said shes getting into her life moving back in at home. But then she asked that no weed be at the house for when her dad comes with the uhaul. Perfect time to tell her i dont smoke anymore and sold all my weed. (This was actually said in text leading up to the call, i got the order wrong, but i also said it again over the phone.) I went into detail about how good i really feel to just be me. Not worrying about getting high. I cant tell how she took it. Because of our last mini break up she thinks im feeding her lies. Thats kinda okay i guess, because the way we left it. See - her acne appointment got canceled. Once she gets that done, she cant drink for a while, so she wants to go out and have a night of drinking tom. However it shifted to her getting her stuff and talkig and maybe hanging out, Big difference between talk and hang out, both mentioned neither specified, but im very likely going to see her tom in a sutiation where we talk face to face, mutually. We agreed to talk more about it tom. She basically needs to decide if she wants to go get drunk or not. **so ironic i want to do family stuff and she wants to drink** lol. I think its a step in the right direction. Id like to watch an episode of a show we used to watch togehter, and go spoil the dog with some toys and treats at the store. Im really hoping that can be my night, im tired of telling her about change, and ive been avoiding it because i do need to show her im capable of change with action. She even flat out said, its too quick for you to change, and i guess shes right, everyones been telling me its early, but i really do feel 100% a new guy with the right purpose. I donno. But it got me here. Thoughts? You are all awesome i feel like i may have let some of you down a little by contacting but it was only to get her to get her things. It just lead to more without any weird force or pressure, besides asking her to talk.
  6. I think whats making it so hard for me is her stuff is still scattered all over my room, ive been almost exclusivly in my workshop and never ever in my room. The mattress is hers, it feels too wrong to sleep in it alone so ive been on the couch for a week. I really feel like if im ever going to make any more progress then i have mentally i need her to get her things. Id have to break NC for that or just wait for her to message me. But its really hard to move foward when i cant even really go in my room.
  7. Thanks to all of you for the recent replies, theres no way i can adress or thank all of you, so since my last post this is to all the new replies. Thank you all again truly. All of the combined advice points lead the same theme to keep waiting. And i have been, its 5 days NC now. Im feeling better day by day, its been 3 days totally substance free and my head feels so clear, like i can convey points and informtation so much better in general. It is a good feeling, truly and i dont want it taken away. Maybe since most people prob arent in a situation like me, its really a wild feeling once the blindfolds are off. Maybe i feel so confidant and ready because for the frist time in 7 years my brain isnt cloudy. I kinda feel a bit like superman, or just, a normal man maybe who isnt a zombie. Its a huge change i know she would notice right away and it would be massive. And thats not including everything else ive been doing. I guess thats why im debating the timing so hard, it really is a super massive chance i feel that you just cant get from working out ect...the normal reccomened stuff. 2 NC questions for me, 1.) shes gotta come to pick up the rest of her stuff (its been 6 days total since she got the first of her stuff, long gap but i think its mostly due to bad weather not mixed feelings. Shes going to have to message me about this, what do i do when she messages me? 2.) she had a semi important acne treatment done today and I genuinely would like to ask her how it went, she knows i know she was going in for it. I dont want to seem THAT cold. Conflicted. Also - i dont get auto correct on the site and i know my spelling is trash, please try to ignore it.
  8. Sooo im not sure if this is a good development, but she did like one of my pictures on instagram this morning and i guess i didnt see it until now. Thoughts? She kinda broke the no contact if she was trying to do the same. Also maybe important the picture isnt of me, its of vape gear. Its Also an older picture.
  9. Holly i would just like to reach out and say, thanks for responding and keeping up. What would drive another person to read so much about someone else they dont know and stick in there to help ill ponder, really, thank you. My hobbies are vaping. Not weed vaping, quitting cigarettes type vaping, i manage a local shop that really gives some people a 2nd chance at life (ironic). Other then that, my new hobby of model building. Both oddball hobbies that dont have much of a gathering, and more of an online presence. I also find all the people i meet (i do not try to do this, i really sware) are drug abusers. Not the type to be around, even if they are deep down good people. Then that leaves me to do what any normal adult would do, go to bars to meet people, and - A.) screw that and B.) SCREW that. And thats always been my life, just at a standstill trying to meet someone. I have met a few guys here and there i thought i could be friendly with, but honestly and no offence to them, i think they are just not as mental as me (in a good way). And by that i mean, just not smart thinkers or unable to have nearly the deep type of conversation i frequent with myself. Bascially i guess, im more fun because nobody seems as smart. To be perfectly blunt.
  10. Also i feel i didnt adress a few good points you made, i like the mention of finding a way to curb my addiction with things that arent for me alone. Well ill also mention i have no friends, really 0. No one to come hang with me or talk about this just alone with my unending mind (see what i did there). Thats where my addiction comes from simple and clear, ive never had friends, or a best friend or any of that, for a very, very long time. And trust me, ive been trying to meet new people. Im not shy, maybe i just have higher demands for friendship. But back on topic, it can be as simple as me and her just do something positive if feel like drinking, and if she isnt around or sleeping, then i can do my alone stuff. But im not even worried about the relapse or not being able to hold it under my belt. I just went through this for 3 months and only stopped because when she turned 21, it opened the door of things for us to do together. (Mistake). And even when i did drink again here and there, it was a fraction of what i used to consume. Im very confidant in the substance issues.
  11. Bluecastle that was one of the best things ive read so far. Honestly thank you. At least hearing someone else say that im not trying to get her back just for myself feels good, because i 100% belive it to be true. Do you really think the no contact rule is best here? You shortly touched on it and from what i gather, yes? She said she still wants to be friends when we broke up, but she also didnt think its a good idea to talk for a few days first, so do you think in doing what she said, would really make her miss me more? Content with myself because subconsciously these were small bits of thinking i did along our relationship, but always being high out of my mind didnt let me act on them, i just knew what was wrong and didnt care to fix it. Like i said she wants to be friends. I have good faith i could call her at any time and just say, “hey i feel like ive done some deep thinking over this break, i have something i really need to show you.” And i think she would come over, maybe with a bit of convincing but i really feel she would. That will be my time to strike with showing her, not telling her (ive deffinatly learned words mean NOTHING) that i am capable of change because i know i need it. It would be an impressive pile of cash so we can get a move on, id be a bit more buff, and sober, and totally down to being to start talking about a apparetment of our own, only if she would still like to, slowly. Id like to tell her, i dont want you back, but i want you around as a friend to really reevalueate me. Then, just see how you feel, and ill accept your outcome. But i need that chance, dammit, then i can start to feel okay with her leaving me (yes there is a hint of selfishness here), because i am not the male or life partner she seeks.
  12. I used to come home and drink a 6 pack + almost daily, and the idea was now that shes 21 we can make it about us going out and having a good time rather them me getting drunk at home. And it worked, but the other issues still stayed.
  13. Does anyone think showing her that orignal post i wrote could help? I feel like reading that might make her see where im really coming from, thoughts??
  14. Hey holly, im not sure if i didnt explain well, but i have been off substances for a total of around 3 days now, and i have done this in the past and know i can handle it. And im saying im not doing it for her, unless you consider me wanting to give her what i know she wants and deserves. I feel massive guilt. Like she hung in there with me like a trooper and i didnt catch the signs because i was blind. I know wholehearteldy what she needs to be happy and i know with 100% certainy that i can provide it, happily. It was just never going to happen when i was always high and didnt realize that was the issuse because it was just a normal daily thing.
  15. I went to 1 AA meeting with her and it just wasnt for me, and i found the power to do it on my own. I just really need help in not “getting her back” but just showing her what it could be like if she knew me for ME. Not me trying to get high or my fix all the time. She should have been the drug i choose, not some dumb plant or poision liquid.
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