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Everything posted by luvthesun

  1. Yes more and more as the weeks and months go on, I am realizing how the relationship was all about him. I am realizing it is not selfish to have expectations that my wants and needs matter and are no more or less important than another persons. I will have to check with my gym if they have a boxing class of some sort. My mind wanders too much with jogging/walking so I have been trying other things. And working a lot on my house. Unfortunately nothing I can break though.
  2. What was weird to me is I only think about them when it's brought up. My initial reaction was only on him and how it made me feel which to be honest, does nothing to him. He has no idea of my reaction. All I could think about was how he did me wrong which like you said, negative energy is still energy focused on him. I am not sure if it is pride or what but my focus was how he basically used me which also makes me so mad at myself for letting myself be used. I have felt some better on reminding myself it isn't about me. Whatever happens to him and his relationship isn't about me nor my concern. I stopped worrying about karma because I have seen it too many times that what goes around comes around. I know I don't need to put any energy on him. I still am having my little moments of anger and obviously I am hurt still but I am trying to remind myself (repeatedly) that I deserve better.
  3. Thank you for this, it helps. I think back to our 6 month mark & how everything was “perfect” etc...true colors weren’t showing yet. I know I deserve better. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on him & not realizing our relationship was never balanced.
  4. I have been actively working on myself. Dating I’m not sure I’m ready for. It’s been so long since I’ve been in the dating scene. I don’t want to lead someone on & I feel like I need to completely heal from this. It’s just I always feel like I go one step forward & then two steps back. Thank you for your advice it does help
  5. Yes I found out through an acquaintance. Fortunately he’s never reached out (that I’m aware of) & I prefer that. It helps to know other people who have had similar experiences
  6. Thank you so much it does help to know someone else has gone through this. I am sorry your ex did this as well. I hope I have made as much progress as you in a year.
  7. Thank you & you are so right! I do think he unblocked me so I would see it but the funny thing is I didn’t find out via social media. I blocked him when I saw I was unblocked. So if that was the game it backfired since I don’t know if it’s online. However it still got back to me through an acquaintance. Makes me want to just delete social media but not sure it would solve anything. Thank you for your kind words,.
  8. Thank you yep disappointing is right. I have him blocked I just can’t control who tells me what. I just politely ask to not be told when someone mentions it. It’s been difficult since he’s in the limelight around town a lot. Sometimes I think I should just delete social media all together but then I miss out on seeing things & people that I do enjoy.
  9. Yes I do think it’s nothing to envy & your right she will end up with the same person I eventually did. I don’t wish for him back & have kept no contact. I’m so angry with the situation as a whole (cheating, lying, etc) that no contact & blocking on social media has been no problem. I found out because someone I only vaguely know told me. I do agree with you, I’m not completely happy in life. I am actively working on that it’s just been a slow process & im not the worlds most patient person. I have taken my daughter to volunteer but I think I was so focused on teaching her the meaning & importance of it I missed out on the whole picture. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for my mom & daughter because I am very grateful for them. Thank you for the advice
  10. I won’t bore everyone with the details but in a nutshell my ex and I broke up 7 months ago. He ended it for reasons that turned out to be excuses but I had found out he emotionally cheated on me. Fast forward to this week and I find out thru the grapevine that he’s engaged to her. This past month has felt like nothing but setbacks as it is. I posted a few weeks ago he all of a sudden unblocked me. I thought I blocked him from my end but I guess not. It made me very angry he did that, I felt like he was trying to get me to see stuff again. Never once looked at his stuff just blocked. Anway I will admit, this news hit me hard. I don’t even know how I feel. I feel very angry I spent so much time on him & gave him so much with little in return & he gives someone else the world who hasn’t done nearly what I did (he was hurt badly & is still recovering). I feel very sad & lonely as well. My life circumstances make it difficult to have a relationship as it is & that was one appeal with him was our circumstances were similar so a relationship worked. I don’t have a lot of people in my life & my family only consists of my mother & daughter. Friends I did have got too busy long before he ever came along. I’m not surprised he’s engaged at all. I am just a mix of hurt & anger & have no idea what I should do now. I feel like this breakup has drained me more than my divorce ever did. I should mention I have not spoken to my ex since we cancelled a trip that was planned 7 months ago. I don’t even know what I’m asking exactly except how to not fall into a deeper funk with this news. How to not feel so unwanted :(
  11. Thank you it is always nice to know I am not alone in my feelings. 29 years, wow! That is a long time I feel for you. While I still feel angry and a little annoyed, I am trying to distract myself. I feel like how dare you pop into my life after everything, you left so stay gone. That is where I am in my healing because I have had enough of his behavior. Distracting myself seems to be working at calming my anger. I am not the most patient person so I am always trying to hurry up and be over it. But I have to let it run it's course. As long as he is not popping up everywhere, I seem to be fine. But I guess I am still actually healing since it does affect me when he does pop up somewhere. I feel for everyone going thru the same thing, especially this time of year.
  12. Yes this does help thank you. I guess I thought I would be more over it since I already knew he had a girlfriend, I knew that 5 months ago. I guess I just feel like why all of a sudden did stuff pop up for me to see? I am kind of mad at myself for letting it bother me. But like you said, it is not linear. I also feel like great here we go again, he's on my mind again. Even if its a negative reaction to him, I am still reacting. I think on some level I always knew I was a "placeholder" until something better came along to him but seeing it does a number on a persons self-esteem and maybe that is the source of why I am angry. I finally got confidence back and right down the tubes it went.
  13. I don’t know if I need some advice or just need to vent. I have not been on here in a while, mostly because I was trying to heal from my breakup. It has been a little over 6 months since we broke up and I haven’t spoken to him since then. I have absolutely no desire to. He was emotionally involved with another woman and left me for her. We were on and off for 5 years. I will spare you all the other details because at this point, I don’t think they are relevant. I have been doing all the things everyone says to do after a break-up. I have spent lots of time and energy on my daughter, spent time with my mom, worked on somethings with my house that I wanted to do, got back into a couple hobbies I hadn’t done in a few years, gone to the gym, found a new book to read. I felt I was doing good. I had one date with a man but I realized I was not ready and there were a lot of red flags with him so I just stepped away from dating. I would like to meet someone but I am very picky and apparently don’t have the best track record with men. I was looking forward to the holidays even though what would have been our anniversary is coming up. He still pops in my mind frequently, way more than I like, but he was no longer preventing me from moving on. I made sure to remind myself of all the bad things he did to me every time I would start to miss him. I have never had a desire to contact him as he did a lot of damage to me with what he did and among other things. But the past couple weeks I feel like the universe is conspiring against me. I had him blocked from all social media. Well, twice now, I had to see pictures pop up of him with his girlfriend from neutral parties (a sports team I like and a photographer I follow posted him). Seeing the comments, I see his profile and a comment. I did not look at it but it appears I had not blocked him like I thought and he unblocked me. My reaction was not what I expected. I was furious he unblocked me. My social media is completely private anyway but I am very angry he did it. I feel like he did it to be vengeful and to make sure I saw stuff his when he tags mutual friends. He is blocked now by me but I am still feeling angry. I had to unfollow the photographer because it made me so angry and hurt he took family photos with her and his family but he refused to do them with me. I feel like I have just been set-back. I was doing so well, I was happy. Now I just feel angry. I don’t like the angry feeling I want to just feel nothing. I can’t seem to shake it. I am very much on edge and in an irritated mood all the time and I am afraid people will start to notice soon. I don't know how to let go of what I saw and get back to where I was.
  14. The timeline was only important because I didn't want to make it seem like something it was not. The only thing that was incorrect was I was not holding onto hope. I was doing my own thing dating, family work etc. Everyone past and present in his life rallied around when he got hurt and was the only reason I knew and was involved (it was made public due to the details). I guess according to the above advice I have to wait out my heartache and go thru the motions and grief and get to the stage of indifference. He is blocked so he won't be able to contact me unless he gets a little creative by going thru our families.
  15. I realize I’m trying to prepare for something that may not even happen. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about it & cross that bridge if & when it comes....I’m a planner by nature
  16. I am not good with the multiple quotes so I will try my best to hit the points. I think there are some assumptions but it could be the way I presented it. I have no idea how this looks so I hope its not too messy. *First thing that kinda caught my attention is you stated, what appears to be quite honestly, he originally left you for another woman. Now its he left to recover, I read your story as he didnt choose to commit to you until he became disabled and I think I even made a comment about that fact in your first post When we first met, we were never exclusive but I fell hard. He was fresh out of his marriage and I was in the middle of a nasty custody battle with my ex and we parted ways. I was so hurt but I knew it wasn't the best time. We tried seeing each other a few months later but again were not exclusive and we each had another person we were getting to know. In the midst of that, he chose to pursue the other one and was upfront about it. I just said OK and went the other way as well. I never saw this as he refused to commit since I had really never asked for one I was also seeing someone else. Maybe its not how it looks but how I feel. We got together and for 5 months it was great. He broke it off due to his recovery and he didn't know how to be in an actual relationship. He tried to date 2 other girls but they couldn't deal with his disability. He did try and date because he thought just dating would be easier than a relationship. Here I didn't see it as he left me for another woman as he was all mixed up as to what dating/relationships/etc were about. During this time he was in several different types of therapy which one was....not sure the term....where you re-learn things about logic and emotions. He was still in therapy daily at this time and I saw a difference so I gave it another try. Here I really don't think he left for another woman either. I think he was confusing wanting a friend versus a girlfriend. By this time, his guy friends stopped hanging out with him completely. You waited more than a year for him, I think, again just assuming, thats where your anxiety is coming from, I think you know you have a hard time letting him go. You said 'hes not going to cheat on me a second time' or close to it, Im being lazy and not going back to quote it so Im again assuming you felt he cheated that first time and again you waited more than a year for him, I really think your insistence to move forward this time is because you dont want to do it again, which who could blame you? But I think you dont trust yourself to move on. i am not sure where the year comes from. But the rest yes I am afraid of history repeating itself. When I said he's not going to cheat again I meant I don't want to give him the opportunity too as he did it once (this time) I hope this is readable. I am not good at technology.
  17. Honestly, I am not one of those people who don't like counseling. I actually love going and learning more about myself and talking things out with them and by the end I always feel better. I think my posts here are all over the place and just trying to find someone to talk things thru with until my appointment and it is hard when it is not face to face. I am realizing I am probably confusing people and leaving things out and not making sense which is not my intention so I apologize. I wish where I am it wasn't so hard to get an appointment.
  18. Both in a way. I am not the best at articulating my feelings I think. I mean, we weren't "on again off again" a lot. In my book we only broke up one other time. Which I guess is enough actually although I do justify the first break-up was needed for his recovery. I can provide more detail if needed but I may have already in other posts. I can't remember now. But I completely agree I tend to soften and take him back. This time I am afraid I will soften, he will actually come back and I won't be strong enough to say no because he holds such a big part of my heart. Then the pattern will start all over again and he will hurt me again. Given how he is, most people think he will be back because I have always been the safety net. I don't want that. This is also the first time I have not tried to get him back. Last time I knew I wanted him back. Not now though. But I think there me be something to what your saying. Maybe on some unconscious level, I am afraid he won't ever be back and I will be devastated later. I never thought about that or in that way.
  19. This helps a lot thank you. Yes I already have an appointment with a counselor but its not until the end of the month. It was the soonest I could get but am on a cancellation list. I am slowly learning I am not being patient enough with time. I guess I am kidding myself thinking I can get over 5 years in 2 months. I am trying so hard to keep the door closed this time.
  20. Yes I agree it is a trap! I am going to counseling its just that my appointment isn't until the end of the month. I am on a cancellation list but unfortunately that was the soonest I could get. Funny story my mom actually took me to a child counselor when I was 4 or 5 because I couldn't ever accept explanations for things. I asked why to absolutely everything, lol. They said it is just the way my brain processes things. As I have gotten older I have had to learn to accept there isn't always a why and its not always black and white like you said. But it is always lot of work for me to get there and accept the grey areas of things. I also do find that usually at some point in my life, my questions always are answered eventually. I need to remind myself of that.
  21. This helps. This is exactly where I am at. I know exactly how I would feel and I wouldn't trust him. It would be me this time that would ruin anything good because of the insecurity, fear, and lack of trust. I do know of a handful of couples that reconciled years and years later when they truly were different people. I think that is what I am feeling. That maybe years later we will find each other again. Right now and in the foreseeable future, I do feel he would only come back when he is feeling down and in need of that ego boost. I am not OK with that and will not be "settled" for.
  22. No it's OK. I guess I am kidding myself that I can get over 5 years in 2 months. It seems the lack of patience with healing is a huge part of the problem. When I originally posted, I just meant I don't have much of an adult social life. The things I detailed were not that I sit at home all the time but the things I have always done centered around family and my daughter (and my ex's family and daughter when we were together). Neither one of us spent much time with friends because neither of us had many. That is more where I was going with my original post. The rubberband technique worked for a few days but then I would see it and it would remind me of why it's there. Which just put him in my mind. I could snap it all day long but I started to associate it with him so I just took it off. When he pops into my mind at work I just get up and go talk to someone about anything but him now. I do feel stuck. I am being honest when I say at this moment, I don't want him back though. There is too much damage done and I know that. But I have no idea what I will feel in the future. That is one reason I am impatient in getting over it. I want to make sure I never want him again. I do have a tendency to worry about things.
  23. Yes I was hoping maybe being open on here & talking would ease my pain. I guess I gave the wrong impression that I’m always home just because I normally like being home. I’m actually at work when I’m posting & reading on here. I’m gone 10-11 hours a day 5 days a week & have been going out shopping & the park & swimming with my daughter on the weekends at least half the days & church on Sunday morning. I think the thoughts are just there. Unfortunately work isn’t the greatest distraction right now but I obviously have to go. I make new posts when I think of questions because it helps somewhat to bridge the gap & have someone listen till my counseling appointment. It has always taken me a long time to accept things but it does happen. There’s just always been a strong pull towards him & I have an extremely analytical mind. I usually have to discect things to know end till it makes sense. I learned all this in counseling after my divorce which they explained it’s just me. This ex was just different than any other. I can’t help but think a part of it was his accident.
  24. That is true I had to adjust when he got hurt. I think because I was still with him and we were working together it made a difference. He used to say I was the only one who could understand him and deal with him but clearly that wasn't the case since he found someone else so easily. I get mixed up in my healing process and start thinking like it was a normal relationship when it wasn't due to the circumstances. I excuse his behavior a lot but I really shouldn't for my own sake. I will have to spend some time thinking how I coped back then. Thank you for that it makes a lot of sense.
  25. Thank you...I wasn't really concerned about the dreams only that is what put the idea and thoughts in my head. I don't always have the dreams but the thoughts are there now and I am having trouble getting rid of them. Like I said I have no desire to contact him or reconcile but I wonder if I will in 6 months, a year, etc even when I know I deserve better. I am so tired of being heartbroken. Maybe that is part of it. Although I have no desire for another relationship at this time either.
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