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Sonap

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  1. Hello, I am new to this website. Just like many of you, I was looking for help to deal with my recent breakup. My boyfriend ended our relationship last week. I finally started no contact. His reasons were it was not working for him and he can't commit to me. We were happy. We had our ups and downs but I always thought that love can conquer all. He didn't believe in that. So he left me. We work together. But I was able to change my schedule to alternate days so I don't have to face him. A part of me is so embarrassed that I was left like an unwanted trash, I can't face him. I was there for him thru all his problems-- financial, emotional and just like that he told me that it is not working for him. He said that he tired his best . All he was doing was trying to dump me every time we had an argument. He blame his anxieties on me and our relationship. He blames me for not able to deal with his anxieties. What hurts the most that he said this relationship is not working for him for a while. I don't know why but that hurt a lot. It feels like someone take your love and throw it in your face. Now He gets to move on with his life and I am here crying and sitting on my sofa all day.
  2. Cubbybear isn't the mark of progress is when I don't think of him? Right now one min I am up one min I am down, he is on my mind constantly. I don't want waste another min thinking about him but he is there living in my mind. I find myself justifying my every move and thought. This is so exhausting. I am exhausted.
  3. Its Friday again. I should be excited about summer weekends but now I just have to fill my time with activities so I don't sit around and think. I woke up this morning and called two friends to plan an outing this weekend. After I was done chatting with them, I asked myself am I having a breakup episode where I am full of energy and want to keep moving as fast as I can so I won't realize that something inside of me is broken? I am not crying much this week. Which is odd for me because I am very emotional person. Maybe it is because after 16 months of been dragged around, I finally got the verdict of the relationship. I am not waiting for his text or call but at the same time a part of me waiting to hear from him. I have never shown this side of me to him before. The side that can walk away. I have always been the first one to call/apologize. This version of myself is so new to me. In this past 3.5 years of the relationship, I started to see myself through his eyes. He thought I didn't have any self confidence. He thinks I don't take chances. I was thinking about that a lot lately. When did I fall so low in his eyes? I am on my own since I was a teenager. I made a life for myself all alone in a foreign land. If that is not confidence than what is it? Just random thought coming to my mind this morning.
  4. BTW I love how honest we all are here with our feelings. We can admit our flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. That takes courage. Trust me if this is rock bottom then we all have no other option but to come up from here.
  5. Very true oscarisking. The hot and cold behavior is the worst. I remember one day right after the breakup, he bought flowers for me and I was so over the moon thinking that he still loves me and this is going to work and the next day he yell at me because I was trying to hold his hand in public. We are not teenagers. We both are in our thirties but I got lecture from him like I am a child. One min he will show that he cares so much and the other min I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I have been on the roller coaster ride and it is not a good place. So all those people (including myself) who are waiting for the validation, trust me it is not worth it. I got it for a day and then I spend weeks crying in my car.
  6. I guess the common theme here is that we want the person who hurt us reach out to us. We are not hoping that they take us back but we are hoping that they validate us. In the end we don't want to feel rejected. I guess we have to distract ourselves until we longer think about them. No matter how long it takes. Meanwhile they can move forward without much guilt. Who said life was fair.
  7. god it is so unfair for us to spend out precious time on our ex. Why do they get to live their life and we have pick up the broken pieces.
  8. This is depressing and sad that we all have to go thru this for months. It's like we are getting punish for loving another person.
  9. Thank you for the encouragement. I will not break NC. I am learning a lot from everyone experiences here. One step a time I will move forward. Join a gym call Orangetheory. Will start this Saturday. Need to find things to keep me occupied. Thinking about going back to school to get my masters degree this year.
  10. Thank you CubbyBear. I don't know how am I still functioning. I appreciate your advice. Don't know what is worst? To hear from him or to not hear from him ?. God why is life so messed up ? I was reading your other posts and I can sense your pain and agony. How are you still able to think in such a logic way. I made such a fool of myself. I can't began to describe you. He broke up with me 16 months ago but he still kept his one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I helped him feel better about his first break up decision in this 16 months. How stupid can I be? I know I let him drag my heart around for all this time. I did made some mistakes in the relationship. Nothing drastic like cheating or anything. But he was unhappy about certain things and I was working on fixing it. He ran out of patience or whatever he was feeling and here I am all alone. I know I don't make sense. I don't sense to myself now a days.
  11. I am on my fourth day of total NC. I know it is nothing compare to some people on this site. I have listen to countless YouTube videos about NC and read thousands of article on this topic. I do agree that it is a best way to move forward and heal. God knows this is true in my case as well. A part of me wants to know that if he is Ok but I would never pick up my phone and reach out. I wish I can brag here that I am so strong. But the truth is I am embarrass. The day he told me he does not want to be with me and he think we don't work as a couple. I called him so many times and emailed him to plead my worth. I cried in front of him like a baby. I put all my dignity and self esteem in his feet for the sake of love. He didn't respond as no dumper would. I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and left. Do I regret making fool of myself? Actually NO because I think that I did it because I love him. I made fool of myself for love. In that moment I showed him that how much I love him and parting from him was like parting from my soul. But I still left and respect his wishes. I didn't call, text or email him after that day and I don't think I ever will. He wanted me out and I have no choice but to respect his wishes. For me respect is love. It is so funny that it takes two to start a relationship but only one to end it. He does not need or require my permission to end our relationship. Every time my phone rings, my heart drops. I know he is not going to check up on me and eventually my heart will not drop at every ring. All the videos and article keeps saying STOP CONTACTING YOUR EX because right now you are annoying him/her or you are going to push him/her further away. It is amazing how he broke my heart and I am the one who is annoying and nuisance in his life. Just random thoughts coming to my mind and wanted to share here with you guys. Hope today is a little better day for everyone here with a broken heart.
  12. Melancholy love your post. Don't you wish we can love ourselves as much as we love our ex.
  13. Cubbybear I do believe u have a big heart. I read your post to other people and you do have kind words for everyone here. I hope your find your inner peace soon. I hate to see so many people hurting on this site.
  14. Why are you feeling down. We are here to listen to you if want.
  15. Let's end the day on a positive note. How about we all post here all the good qualities about ourselves? Let me start first. I am emotional and kind. I like to help people whenever I can.
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