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Everything posted by HealingLight

  1. My mom has a family like this. You know what made her have peace of mind over it? Cutting them all off. It infuriated them that she was no longer around to abuse. If they're toxic, they're toxic. Get rid of them completely. Family is who you choose to surround yourself with.
  2. Stop beating yourself up over this text. Who cares? Now he knows you like him so if he likes you back he can make his move. Just relax, enjoy yourself, don't bring it up. Determine whether things are headed toward dating by his actions. Don't play any games, don't play hard to get, just be you.
  3. I agree that you need to make alternative living arrangements for everyone's peace of mind. I have a friend who comes from a family of alcoholics. Once she gets a drink in her, she can't stop and becomes a totally different person somewhat similar to what you describe. She knows this about herself so she goes out of her way not only to not drink, but to avoid being in too many situations where there is alcohol involved. She's not a bad person even though she's still embarrassed about some of the things she's done while drunk, but she has to stay away from it entirely. You're not alone in this regard but it also doesn't function as an excuse for whatever happened. Continue with the meditation, seek some professional help once you can afford it. Be cordial to your ex, don't beg for a second chance--most wouldn't give it in this circumstance. Let him come to you. If he comes back around, great. But chalk this up to a lesson learned.
  4. I already responded to this post but somehow my response isn't on it? And it's not in my history, so I don't quite get what happened.... but essentially, I said that you deserved better than this woman who would be so careless with your feelings and your health. While I don't think one should automatically expect a woman to go on the pill (it shifts their entire endocrine system and some women have bad side effects), it's still completely irresponsible of her to not have worked out some form of birth control with her partner(s). This is not the kind of decision-making I would want in a partner. If you were still sleeping with her without protection, please get yourself checked out. Never let someone keep you a secret. That's so high school. Nothing good ever comes from it within the power dynamics of a relationship and it basically gives people free license to cheat without much of the fall out. Please consider finding a good therapist who can help you work out why you stuck around in such an unsatisfying situation, as this relationship was clearly not giving you much back for several years. Post here when you have a weak moment. Keep her blocked on social media if she unblocks you. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to hit you up again in the future. Don't hold out hope that she will magically transform into someone compatible with you. She sounds very much like a have your cake and eat it, too, type of person.
  5. You have a son, which is your priority. Your schedule is not completely your own in this regard. It sounds like she is jealous of that situation and would be better suited with a mate that does not have to split his time and attention with a child. You need a woman who accepts that he is a priority, as you have chosen to make him your number one (understandable). However, perhaps it would not have been as big of an issue as it is if you made regular time for dates. From what you detailed, it sounds like you don't give her the best of you when you are together. Watching movies at home is probably the laziest way of dating and she doesn't even get that? I could see where she would be upset since there is no prioritization of quality time together. Any healthy relationship requires quality time. If you are ignoring her in favor of video games, that's a problem. I had roommates who took 3-4 hours to get ready before going out--and they basically looked the same--so while I don't understand it, I know there are women out there that take a long ass time to prep for a night out. Also don't really get the need for 2 hour showers, I'll be honest. So while she is doing these things, that's when I would choose to do the things you enjoy that are done without her instead of pressuring her to change her habits (losing battle). Sleep is huge. If your snoring keeps her up, I suggest that she either gets ear plugs, sleeps in a different bed, or you do what you need to do on your end to take care of some of the snoring (certain sleep positions make it worse, weight gain, etc. they also have strips that can help open your air ways if that's a problem). Not getting quality sleep will make anyone crabby and less tolerant. It's not a minor thing. But, honestly, it seems to me like this relationship may have run it's course. I certainly hope you guys both grew out of the verbal abuse you described earlier in your post. Getting throw up drunk in your late 20s as a passive aggressive move to get back at you is just childish. Expecting you to take care of her vomiting messes is also not something I would want in a partner, to be frank. She doesn't sound very mature to me, but if this relationship has any hope of working out I really feel you need to make quality time a priority with her. This would be an issue with any woman, not just her. Make sure when you are together there are regular weekly dates, etc. and not just warm bodies next to each other in bed.
  6. Unfortunately, if this guy is telling the truth, you deserve better. If he's lying, you deserve better. Saying this particular thing if it's not true is totally unacceptable/extremely careless of your feelings. Even if this was true for me after a 5 year relationship, I don't think I would admit it to someone. It's just an awful thing that probably makes you feel like all your memories were a lie. Continue to post here rather than reaching out to him. He sounds firm in his resolve to move on and you deserve someone to love you completely.
  7. When a guy tells you he doesn't love you and never did, believe him. Many people go through the motions without the feelings. I actually suspect more people do this than not after private discussions with many of my guy friends. I have had male friends tell me they never loved their exes that they strung along for well over 5 years. Some stayed for convenience, thought it was the logical choice on paper, sometimes out of obligation because the woman depended on them, etc. One day, you will be grateful that he didn't marry you so that you are available for the guy who will mutually love you.
  8. I think the third date would be perfect for a kiss. My last boyfriend waited until the 4th date to kiss me; I was getting a little confused because I was sure it was going to happen on the 2nd or 3rd! Haha.
  9. For future reference, I think if a guy is truly into you, he will prioritize you and he will try to avoid putting you in the awkward position of going overboard paying for basic things on his behalf. You deserved better in that regard, for sure. I don't know if you have read John Gray (author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus), but basically he says that men don't tend to give to the point where they resent it. A woman tends to give what she wants to receive, so it's not uncommon for her to give and give until she reaches extreme resentment. The more a woman gives, the more men assume things are fine and may do even less. Eventually, some women can reach a place where they end up blowing up at the man, which seems like it is coming out of left field for the guy. Obviously this is not something that pertains to every man or situation, it's just a general trend he noticed in his practice regarding the differences between men and women. Take care not to try to buy someone's love or affection in this way--keep your personal boundaries healthy so that you don't feel miffed when someone doesn't give you something in return.
  10. First you gave him a passive aggressive remark after he asked what you wanted to do on a date. Then you told him no one disappointed you like him. Then you demanded money. At this point, the vast majority of men would be done, especially if this guy is a scrub. The extra 100 messages were icing on the cake and I can guarantee you he feels like it's too much drama and like he dodged a bullet. But his general lack of effort should have spoken volumes to begin with that this guy was never more than luke-warm, and that he may have just kept you around for the convenience factor, especially if you were paying for things he wanted.
  11. Look into EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I use this method to deal with trauma and it does seem to diminish the visceral reaction to awful memories.
  12. So you broke up with a guy where there was mutual love because your family doesn't want you to have a relationship with anyone? And you're 20? Where are you from? Is there a reason you can't make your own decisions in this regard? Do you still live with your family? In America where I'm from, it is quite overbearing for parents to not be allowing you to date after you're legally an adult.
  13. I would not be down with someone being exclusive with me, going on a mysterious trip with another woman where something may or may not have happened, and then coming back and saying he's not ready for exclusivity. To me it sounds like he fooled around and now is conveniently removing the label so it wasn't cheating. That's just how it comes across to me... so yeah, no thanks.
  14. This is how the relationship was with my ex. I like my space and so does he, so I never spent time dwelling on it. I feel like I can't get a lot done if I need to be texting someone all the time--there are probably one or two people that I wouldn't mind carrying a conversation with over text but otherwise it annoys me. This guy might be similar in his communication style. It's only 6 weeks in and the man has kids to manage, as well. I'm guessing he thinks everything is perfectly fine on his end. When he texts you, you can always mention that you love hearing from him between dates or suggest that he call because you'd love to hear his voice. He might be more receptive to phone calls at the end of the night as opposed to texting (as I am).
  15. Life is too short to be miserable with someone you're not even married to.
  16. Unfortunately, you guys are not compatible. He wants sex before marriage, within 2 months; you want to wait. He thought about marriage (too much, too soon!), probably specifically because he wants the sex, and determined that you guys aren't compatible with the issues your different religions may bring to the table. You don't like his communication style when he "deals" with conflict. Incompatible, honestly. I have known men who were willing to wait up to a year or more for sex, and a few that actually waited until marriage years after a relationship to have sex with their women. They aren't that common where I'm from, to be honest, but I do think that a good portion of men can wait more than 5 weeks without pressuring their woman. Try to look after yourself by making sure that you eat and get some rest, if possible. Get through Thursday. This didn't have anything to do with your body, your hair, or your personality. You guys just weren't looking for the same thing.
  17. Guilt and obligation are never good reasons to stay with someone. I am surprised she has roped you into this role at less than 2 years in--it sounds like you are "staying together for the kids" but you're not married, nor are you the father. Get out now before it becomes more difficult for you to leave, imo.
  18. What do you want in this situation? Do you want to date him again? Want to have sex with him? I'm unclear of what you're looking for in this situation. It sounds like he's along for the ride and wants to get into your pants--don't think that giving up your body means he'll want to get back into a relationship. You need to establish clear boundaries around what you're looking for.
  19. E and A don't need your guys' permission to hook up with one another. Awkward, yes, but you don't control either one of them and there is no guarantee that if A hadn't been with E that he would have had mutual chemistry with you and liked you regardless. I don't mean for that to sound hurtful because I understand that it feels like a betrayal. You never know, maybe A and/or E don't like other people that often so when they're presented with a situation where they do they choose to act on it. Not the smartest thing to do in a roommate situation but ultimately something you'll either have to live with or move out in order to avoid the discomfort. Getting in the way of their romance is just going to breed resentment on both sides and have them sneaking around, it's not going to make either of them have a come to Jesus moment. And if you really like him it may just be best for your mental health and peace of mind in your living situation to request a transfer out.
  20. I'm actually shocked at people's responses to this. I think this girl is batsh1t crazy. She sounds just like someone I once knew who made my life a living hell, as well. She also reminds me a ton of my sister's abusive husband. The thing I've learned is that the messenger gets shot and things can blow up in your face very quickly with even the best of intentions. I don't know why the boyfriend and her didn't drop you off first as that part struck me as a bit odd, too, given that I'm sure this was fueling her insecurities behind the scenes. But people like her will always be controlling, manipulative, and insecure--to me it's like a form of mental illness and until they're ready to acknowledge it, nothing will change. The boyfriend has to put on his big boy pants and grow a set of balls. His inability to establish healthy boundaries with her is his lesson to learn, and it's not your job to try to protect him or tell him what to do. I know you were just trying to stand up for him or hear him vent, but it's best to keep to yourself when someone is involved with someone crazy. Chalk this up as a lesson learned. Also, if you are friends with someone first and then get to know their partner relatively recently, I think your actions should remain in line with the person you knew first. Not that you condone her behavior but are thinking of how inappropriate it would be in the context of your friendship. As in, when someone's partner tries to talk to you about issues in their relationship, suggest that you don't feel you're the right audience, as you've known the person for X amount of time. In the future, just stay as far as you can away from other people's dramatic relationship issues. Who knows what the boyfriend's intentions were for you, perhaps he is attracted to you and the girlfriend sensed this and targeted you in particular. I would cut off the friends who backstabbed you and just try to cultivate other relationships. Write some letters with the things you wish you could say to everyone and then burn them so you can get this out of your system.
  21. For a 10 year relationship, I'd want someone to be a year out of the relationship.
  22. Agree with Wiseman. I wouldn't ask him for coffee because you will be going down a slippery slope since you're attracted to him.
  23. Yep. This guy is trying to date you. Tread carefully if that's not what you want.
  24. The timing could be completely coincidental with the way fb and ig doesn't really release things chronologically in their feed. So it's very possible neither of them saw your picture before they changed their own. Are you over them?
  25. Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers. But what I can say is that people in the process of getting divorced are usually not very good options for viable relationships for at least the first 6 months to a year. There is a whole other set of grieving that happens once things are finalized with the paperwork that can't really be predicted and thus I'm sure her decision to pull back during this time doesn't really have much to do with you. It's not the right timing for her and she's not in the right head space. I would pack her things into a box so you don't have to constantly look at them and then give her a firm date for pickup arrangements. Tell her they will need to be retrieved by X date otherwise you will need to dispose of them. It's not fair to you to have her leaving her things around so there's a string of attachment.
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