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HealingLight

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Everything posted by HealingLight

  1. Sorry, I think this is crap. There are plenty of ways to give something small on someone's birthday that aren't expensive. I don't like how he called you selfish because you expect him to put some thought into your day, however small. I would find someone else to do the beach trip with if he can't afford the gas...trying to guilt you and getting aggressive sounds like you're not a long-term match.
  2. I'm going to go against the grain with this one. I'd like to know more circumstances as to why and how it's ended. It sounds like both of you have had sufficient time to date and explore other people yet still hold out feelings for the other. I am a little surprised that after thinking about him all the time you rejected his attempts to reach out to you. If you truly miss him and want to try again or see what's different to assess if it could work, then I would encourage you to tell us some details about the nature of your previous relationship and reach out to him accordingly.
  3. I think it's good that you are willing to learn--keep that attitude and you can't go wrong. Remember that every woman is different, so figuring them out is not necessarily as straightforward as it can be with men. Many women cannot orgasm through penetration so fingering or intercourse would not be enough anyway to get the kind of reaction you may be looking for... this is why it's important to pay attention to the clitoris. It's homologous to the penis in a male. At the same time, don't take her lack of orgasm as a personal affront. Even if you were the best lover in the world, fingering wouldn't get me there and I know I'm not alone. If she truly hasn't masturbated before, then she doesn't really know what works for her or if she can come that way. Many women have to be relaxed and in the right mental space in order to orgasm, so know that nervousness can also come into play. As you guys continue to explore and touch one another, she will likely become more comfortable. I do recommend going off her body language if she is not otherwise very expressive. Keep in mind that until you guys do figure out what works for her, she may still really enjoy the closeness of that type of intimacy even if she's not climaxing. Avoid the pitfall of putting pressure on her to O as that can also keep it at bay as well. Definitely find out where her clitoris is and start to concentrate some of your efforts there.
  4. Ditto, he sounds like a completely selfish lover with no real interest in you or your feelings. If you accommodate him, it will be difficult for you to respect him or yourself (and neither will he). You can do better.
  5. Read this 10 times in the event that you ever have doubt.
  6. I'm sorry, but this is so awful that it's almost comical. You need to leave. Are you working? Do you have family that can take you in? Start planning your exit methodically. I would get advice from a divorce lawyer.
  7. I just find it ironic that you were miffed about the lie when both of you lied to your partners in order to meet up in Boston. You were both capable of being deceitful. However, it seems from her comments that you forced her hand. To me, it sounds like she's in love with him, not done with him, but you were the scarier one and she has poor boundaries so she chose to conform to what you wanted. It's not really what she wants. You guys don't sound very happy right now, either. Do you always want to be looking over your shoulder? Set her free so she can be with who she wants and you can find someone who is equally into you.
  8. Agree with some of the other posters, even though it may not be popular to say it. When you sleep with men too fast, it doesn't really give them a chance to bond to you (John Gray talks about the biochemical aspect of this). Not every guy is like this, mind you, but of all my male friends there's only one that seems to make women girlfriends after the goods are given up front. The rest tend to keep looking. I realize the double standard in this, but that's what I've seen at least.
  9. I think you've been on a thread before where I've mentioned this, so you probably already are familiar with it, but I would try EFT on your specific memory at age 4 and how it relates to how feel now visiting your mother. Hope you and your mom feel better soon.
  10. ^^ This, this, and more this. It's a volunteer position and it sounds like you now need to let it go for your own mental health. Also, maybe letting it go will allow you to search for a more satisfying position. Sorry to hear your woes. The coordinator really shouldn't be trying to take liberties by laying guilt trips on you. You're a volunteer. Really should be a non-issue, they're lucky to have you.
  11. I would tell her. You don't want to waste her time if this is something she would leave you for. If she left over this, she probably isn't the type of person who would stick with you in bad times as well as good. It's not like you are freeloading or don't have any interest in seeking employment, etc. You're not alone in the student debt, millions are affected. What are her plans to buy a house? What are her savings? Is she revealing this to you, as well?
  12. I recommend this to anyone who will listen. Try EFT (emotional freedom technique) and TFT (thought field therapy). You can learn the former through youtube and do it in the comfort of your own home. It may feel silly and unfamiliar at first, but it's the best thing that has helped me work through difficult emotions/anxiety, etc.
  13. If you want a modality you can try at home to help release the pain and sting of the break up, I suggest looking into TFT (thought field therapy) and EFT (emotional freedom technique). The latter you can look up how to do on YouTube, but they are both similar. It can be used for any kind of trauma. I have tried lots of things to change my beliefs and overcome PTSD, etc. and these two things worked really well for me even though it felt silly and illogical at first because it's so far removed from conventional talk therapy. This situation is likely more than about the woman. I agree with Carus that it probably has tapped into a subconscious childhood dynamic or a deeply held belief that you have around love and yourself. Do you think she's the last and only shot you have at true love? Once you are able to find out what that belief system is and what thoughts are so painful to you, you can work on changing them so that they don't wound you in the same way.
  14. She sounds a bit narcissistic from what you've described, but this may just be who she is or a long-held pattern that is not likely to go away. I had a roommate who "needed the attention of every male in the room" whether she liked him or not. Perhaps your girlfriend is the same in terms of wanting outside validation and adoration. I would be concerned about the lying. Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to accept that this is who or what she is right now. No one has a crystal ball to tell you whether she'll mature out of it. For some people, there can be a big difference between the age of 20 and 25 in terms of the amount of growing up that occurs. If you try to change the things you listed above (her makeup, wardrobe, how she acts or dresses at a wedding, etc.) it will come off as controlling and jealous. It sounds like core elements of her personality aren't doing it for you, so I think you need to decide whether you can tolerate it long-term.
  15. Have you been thinking about her this whole time or just all of a sudden now that you're depressed? Do you even know her full name? Have you dated other women in this time? How do you feel about other areas of your life? Take some magnesium and an epsom salt bath before bed to help you with your racing thoughts and to relax your nervous system. If you need to pay a visit to your physician in order to assist with anxiety or sleep meds, do so. You do not want the insomnia to become a chronic problem (take it from someone who knows what severe sleep deprivation leads to). Get the help you need to align things now, even if that means considering alternative medicine or therapy.
  16. Damn, I personally would not go to the police with this. Leave well enough alone and get the hell out of dodge. I feel like if you did go to the police it would just backfire and a case may or may not be opened against you. This L person is awful--don't have anything more to do with her, she obviously couldn't take responsibility for her choices to her partner. I bet the partner is the one who made her say that stuff about the police to your work friend after he bought her load of bull. Just get away from her and stop associating with these people. Save your texts and back them up in case anything ever does develop.
  17. Unfortunately, a relationship is largely fantasy-based until you are able to spend some quality time together in person. You will never know if you had real chemistry with her or not never having met her, etc. There are ways to find someone's address online without being a hacker, you just need to know which sites to frequent. Regardless, this woman sounds like she struggles with her mental health and thus was getting something out of keeping this guy around. My guess is she fancies him on some level and/or is addicted to trying to win his validation. None of this bodes well for you. I think you should allow her to keep you blocked and try to move on with your life.
  18. I think you should end it now instead of prolonging things. Offer to buy out your partner's portion or have them buy out yours so one of you can still enjoy a good holiday. If not, see if you can get refunded. I once knew a couple where the man was unhappy for about 1.5 years before it ended. The reason why he dragged his feet? The woman kept booking vacations out into the future. Wish I was kidding, but I'm not.
  19. I will accept money and cards in lieu of your crappy relatives. You will get thanked profusely. Haha! Like the other posters said, I would stop the gravy train.
  20. I know this won't be a popular response, but I think a lot of men pull this because they are afraid of true intimacy. If there is no risk of falling in love, there's no risk of having your heart broken. I have male friends who have been in long-term relationships (5+ years), went through all the motions, and later confessed to me they were never in love/attracted to the girl. One of them was fairly tall and classically handsome at the time and dated this squatty, very unattractive woman who brought out the worst in him. She wasn't particularly beautiful on the inside, either. They met at a party where she gave him oral and he was actually planning on passing her off to another guy friend as a easy sex partner before he ended up in a nearly 6 year relationship with her. He's continued to repeat this pattern and to date only seems very taken with women who are emotionally unavailable in some way....while dating other unattractive women (to the point where they look odd as a couple and other people talk about it). I'm not saying you're unattractive to him, I'm just saying listen to your gut if you feel something is off. I think it's a red flag that all the other women he dated were the ones you perceived to be in his league but then he somehow classifies them in a category where he can't settle down with them. Maybe the ones he has dated have all been shallow in some way, but it sounds to me that's his preference if he could find the right personality to go with that package. That he thinks he has to "settle" in the looks department in order to settle down. I would take notice that he is calling stunning women average at best... I feel women are generally more forgiving with looks than men initially in a relationship. However, that being said, I do think that men have a wider range of attraction than we're led to believe, too, that doesn't necessarily align with the media-crafted image. I know a newscaster that can be dolled up to look near-perfect on screen with all the lighting, gobs of professional makeup, spanx, etc. but when you see her in real life without all the bells and whistles she doesn't even look related to the image that is projected on TV. You would never know it was her. So, it's possible that he has people like this in his circle and it's not all it's cracked up to be from the outside.
  21. I think you need to discuss with him the process of how he would like you to pose questions for a brand new task that you haven't done before. This seems to be causing you the most anxiety and he listed some of your questions under "mistakes," so I would detail your position on that, how you were asking for clarity on a task that had not yet been performed, and ask him how you should go about obtaining feedback on tasks you haven't done yet so that everyone is confident in your ability to execute them.
  22. I wouldn't be apt to jump on the medical condition route, especially if this is how it's always been for you. Have you received complaints from other women before? I would concentrate on changing your technique; use a lot less tongue when you french kiss, perhaps kiss her more softly, don't have your mouth as open, etc. Try different styles of kissing to see if it helps.
  23. I'm sorry that you are feeling badly. Here is a virtual hug :::hugs:::. How old are you? I notice it seems common for a lot of adults to have their friendships drop off once people get married, start working full-time, etc. Coordinating schedules takes a lot more effort and if someone isn't in your face with social media, it can be more difficult to get together (or even remember who you haven't seen in a while!). Not having a social media account does not automatically make you boring, so don't dwell on that. I think this is why MeetUps are popular because it allows adults who have a common interest to get together who are interested in making time for their hobby/others. In terms of the weather affecting your mood, try to get as much sunshine as you can and get your vitamin D levels checked. It is worth exploring why you have thoughts about making people uncomfortable or being boring/stupid, etc. Those kinds of ideas will probably suck you out of the present moment when you are around others. Do you have social anxiety? I don't think most people go around thinking that way about others, really. If anything, I think a lot of people are either self-conscious or self-absorbed and so they aren't sitting back dwelling on what they may or may not perceive to be your flaws. You can always let people talk about themselves initially in social situations if you want them to feel engaged. Anyway, if your friends have a full life as you describe, it's not uncommon for people to let aspects of their social life drop off. That's why I think it would be good to find a group geared toward some of your hobbies to join. That way, if you get anxious, you have the common interest to fall back on in conversation and you already know you are around people who are prioritizing that aspect of socializing.
  24. For those not aware, dissociative identity disorder is the updated term for multiple personality disorder. I don't know how badly affected she is by DID, but I imagine it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has other personas. There may not be a lot of consistency and maybe one of her personalities would easily cheat, etc. whereas another would feel a different level of commitment or way about you. I don't really see how you can salvage this situation. Not only has she not been trustworthy by carrying out affairs, but I'm assuming you also don't know what version of her you're going to get from one moment/day to the next.
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