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HealingLight

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Posts posted by HealingLight

  1. I agree with everyone who said she is skating out of her responsibilities and put you in an impossible situation. I think you responded perfectly given the circumstances. Overally, she sounds controlling, toxic, and irresponsible. Look up DARVO so you can familiarize yourself with it and understand how it may have been incorporated into your relationship. I know it's harsh but I think the end of your engagement is in your best interest.

  2. This guy is very abusive. When he pushed for sex knowing that you weren't comfortable having it outside of an exclusive, committed relationship, that should have been the first big red flag. A man worth his salt will respect your values in this regard.

     

    This is not even to mention the mood swings, the temper tantrums, the verbal abuse, etc. that you have gone on to reveal. You need a partner who will lift you up and bring out the best in you, not tear down the life you've built for yourself out of his own jealousy and insecurity (btw, as someone slammed with student debt, would love to know how you make 6 figures from home part-time, that sounds absolutely amazing, haha!). It's clear he was reaching to poke holes in anything and everything. Ick.

     

    This guy doesn't deserve you.

    • Like 2
  3. I'm 33 and also look younger for my age generally speaking. Your lack of experience would not bother me (I'm assuming you mean sexually?), but I do think it is a good idea for you to continue to put feelers out for a job. Don't lie about your age, there's no shame in it--that lie would be a red flag, wondering if I could trust you about other things.

  4. Does this man know that you stopped contraception? Or does he think that you got pregnant despite being on birth control? His reaction is much more understandable if it's the former (and cruel if it's the latter assuming it had truly been an accident). However, anyone who chooses to defriend people for having kids really has issues with children--sounds like he hates them and may make a poor father because he will be triggered by the child.

     

    You have to keep in mind that if you keep the baby, he will likely always resent you. If you don't keep the baby, you may never have the opportunity to have another child at your age. You may always resent him for encouraging you to abort. Your relationship may not survive this type of pressure and resentment even if you do abort.

     

    And while I think your actions leading up the pregnancy were awful, it's a shame that he didn't have a vasectomy feeling so strongly about not having children (it still surprises me that men are willing to change a woman's entire endocrine system that can impact everything about her life rather than do a quick snip--but particularly one who clearly hates kids).

     

    Right now, I would proceed as if the relationship is over because it may not survive the resentment that will brew on one side or the other no matter what you do. Can you make peace with yourself if you never have children?

  5. Your ex isn't over you and you don't sound over her, either. You sound single instead of committed to a woman for the last several years. You're goading your ex on and sending messages that you know wouldn't be acceptable to any woman you're in a relationship with--your interest is barely masked by the excuse of "playing games." You're here wondering about your ex while your girl is literally a blip in your post.

     

    Sounds to me like you need to be fair to your girlfriend by either dumping her so she can find a man who is more devoted, or put an end to all this ex nonsense and recommit to your current relationship if it's really what you want.

  6. I actually think the vast majority of people are like your friend in this scenario, at least my in personal experience. I would perceive your expectations as demanding and needy. I usually tell people when I have to go, but it's not unusual at all for conversations to drop off right in the middle and resume hours later, days later--this morning someone resumed a very personal conversation about their divorce where I had left them with a question weeks later.

     

    The only exception I've seen to this random dropping off in my life has been when someone is romantically interested in me--and even then it might occur occasionally. That's why some posters are perceiving that you may have interest that you're in denial about or at least expectations on par with being a boyfriend to your friend.

     

    I think you'll have this "issue" with 90%+ other people, so I would honestly keep your expectations in check or not communicate via text if you find that too difficult.

     

    Edited to add: I hope this didn't come across as too mean or blunt, that wasn't my intention. My overall point is that I think you'll have a hard time finding someone who doesn't do this.

  7. I would like to know why these "friends" didn't intervene when you were clearly saying no and too inebriated to consent. I would get footage of the incident in the event that you decide to pursue legal action.

     

    I'm a little confused after reading this a second time: did you sleep with him? If not, I would cut these people out of your life and move forward.

  8. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I have to say, you don't really get to know someone until you weather the seasons with them. It's only been a 5 year relationship and your wife has already cheated on you shortly around/during the same time that your mother was terminally ill....

     

    That's a hard pill to swallow, imo. Even though you love her, this is the early days and there couldn't be a worse time for cheating to occur. I personally feel like that says a bit about the character of someone. You ask her to end the relationship, she defends the man and the "friendship" over your relationship, and then has the gall to ask you to do something so that the spark is back?? Honestly, this may be who she is. She might be a woman that's fine in the good times or otherwise with superficial living and bails when hits the fan.

     

    I have no idea what happens with inheritance in the event of a separation or a divorce, but I would get to a lawyer to see how you can protect your assets.

    • Like 1
  9. Sounds like when you asked her out she was just starting to date this other guy (unless my timeline is wrong). She may have you around as a backup or simply because she's bored and wants a friend, but she obviously doesn't want you to get the wrong idea and that's why she told you she's making things official with the other guy soon. I would let this one go if you still have romantic interest in her. She knows where to find you if it doesn't work out with the other dude.

  10. Honestly, you won't like my response but I think you need to go with option 3. It sounds like a personal problem that she loses sexual interest shortly after the chase is over, if there was ever attraction to begin with.

     

    If you keep in contact with her, you'll always be in the position of pining for more while she goes back and forth indecisively and dispassionately. You deserve someone who desires you just as much as you desire them, otherwise you're basically best friends. Except you want more so it will kill you inside as you see her go on to date other men...

  11. I have had love at first sight happen to me once over a decade ago. It hit me like a freight train the second my eyes met his and it had absolutely nothing to do with lust in terms of what I was feeling. It wasn't sexual in nature (though of course there was a physical attraction), it was deeply emotional--I don't know how to explain it to someone who hasn't had it happen to them. I think you don't believe in it until it's happened, but I never expect it to occur again. I think it's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing; on a personal spiritual level, I believe it has to do with shared past life experiences with the person. It was different from meeting some people that you feel an instant rapport or connection with that can grow into love. I never actually said "I love you" on a first date and I never would, but I know I'll always care about this particular person regardless of whether they're in my life.

     

    If someone told me they loved me on a first date if I hadn't known them previously/been friends with them prior to dating, I would consider that to be a red flag in general. Most people know love takes time to cultivate and that you don't truly know someone until you've seen them weather life experiences together.

  12. Honestly it sounds like you’re making an existential mystery out of something that is not mysterious: you’re in a relationship, and have been for a while, with someone you’re not compatible with. Sometimes it’s easier to make it into more than that, because we want to rationalize the length of an investment, find “meaning” in having history with someone.

     

    This hits the nail on the head. This woman doesn't do it for you and for good reason. She sounds more like a dependent than a partner and her personality doesn't even offset that for you. You're drained and with the wrong woman.

     

    My guess is that your first reaction when you part ways with this woman will be one of relief. Sure you'll grieve the history you had but I think you will find a much better connection with someone else.

  13. Yeah, I think there is too much risk in this situation. He's a coworker (risky) and he has a girlfriend (inappropriate). He may not swing that way, too (very risky to assume).

     

    Many years ago, I was sitting at this station and a man accused me of checking out another woman (I'm a hetero woman). I'm regularly sleep deprived and sometimes my eyes just unconsciously follow things that move, so I'm sure it looked like it from his perspective but nothing was registering in my brain about the woman in question.

     

    My point is that you just don't know why he's staring if he is--he may even notice that you're looking at him and trying to piece it together in is brain. Or he could just be thinking about something else absentmindedly. Or he could be bi or in the closet and have an attraction, but that's not safe or appropriate to assume in this situation.

     

    I'd relegate him to fantasies and try not to read too much into any of it.

  14. I'm laughing, let's make sure I got this straight: he broke up with you a week ago, and just a few days ago you were ready to move on?

     

    If anyone ever cared about you at all, of course they would still have feelings for you a week after breakup. If they didn't, I would suspect they never cared at any point. No one just gets over someone in less than a week unless they were getting over the relationship while they were in it.

  15. I'll be the odd man out and say I think it's bizarre for both of them to be so weird about such a small encounter when the relationship was 15 years ago and short-lived--especially since you were presumably working at your company first for many years. But, again, I'd just be casual; don't go out of your way to say hi and don't ignore if you come across them. Just be cordial and go about your day.

  16. Sounds like she continued to party the night away and you went to bed. Then she flew out the next day, so it didn't make sense to blow up your phone. Maybe she even expected you to meet her at the random club she named. Who knows. I wouldn't even necessarily peg this as blowing you off given the logistics of everything you mentioned.

     

    You'll probably hear from her again is my guess. Do you live near her in the states?

     

    However, I would caution getting involved with a person who wants to bang you in the middle of a hallway drunk in a foreign country within hours of getting to know you, haha. Doesn't sound like great judgment by either party.

     

    I've had that extreme attraction/love at first sight feeling with one person before in my life so I'm not gonna knock the possibility, but if you do hear from her again, I'd try to get to know her a bit first before making any assumptions about what kind of woman she is.

  17. This sounds exactly to me like he broke up with you so he could sleep with her. Then in the sex afterglow, he realized it wasn't as good as what he has with you. Or something. Yuck.

     

    And don't give me this whole, "I didn't even know she liked me!" crap and it "just happened" less than 24 hours after your break up?? That's one hell of a coincidence. You already have all the info you need when he was giving her furtive texts for months on end.

     

    Get rid of this guy. He'll probably do it again the next time something shiny comes along.

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