kim42

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Agree.

For me, I suggested we meet because he seemed like an introversive person but was calling and texting me frequently. He initially wanted to be introduced to me and asked my friend if it was alright if he reached out.

Never know with these things. 

With co-workers it is always a little risky because you have to work together and also see each other every day. I think he probably just wants to keep things casual and friendly, and that's totally okay.

If you're not interested in interacting with him on just a platonic level, it's totally fine to let things fizzle out.

You're a fantastic catch and the world is your oyster!

I get it can be tricky with co-workers. Just to give some context - we have a very flexible policy in my company, we can work from home so people go to the office only from time to time, so it's not like we see each other every day. Also, our office is in a big building and we don't sit on the same floor.

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't worry about it. It's not really "investing" because you're just talking as co-workers at this point. Also he already invited you with his team so clearly he doesn't want to be inappropriate and leap at asking for a one-on-one date. There's nothing to lose here.  Talking about local places like bars sounds like standard small talk. There's no reason to think it was a hint. 

That's interesting, I thought that in this context, that we both said we like the same type of wine, and then I mentioned the bar, it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Yeah, I feel like it's best to let things progress naturally and not try to force a hang out or date. I did once suggest to a man I had been talking to on the phone for a few weeks that had been calling me often that we should try to meet and he took the hint and we had a one-on-one dinner.

But then again, I didn't really have a romantic thing for him at the time so it was a bit easier to suggest it without feeling any expectations.

Sounds like a good conversation though, and who knows, he sounds comfortable talking to you about personal things, so maybe a hang out will happen in the future. 

Yeah maybe but honestly I don't feel like investing any more energy in this. After I mentioned the bar, he just asked me which bar it is so I guess he's not interested in hanging out after work.

Update:

32 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you bought that, I have a large case of good Yugoslavian wine to sell you lol

He wants to fool around without his girlfriend. Ask yourself one thing: Do you really think she would be fine with him dancing closely with some other woman? Or she would dig his eyes with the spoon if she knew he did that?

He disclosed because you would probably found out from the social group. Not because he is so honest and truthful. Dont be fooled with that.

I think its good that you do meetup with different people. But as far as this is going, avoid that guy in future meetups as much as you can.

I agree with this 100%. I'm also interested in the Yugoslavian wine 😁

I think it's okay if someone doesn't have social media. Most of my exes didn't have any. 

It's true though that it could be perceived as strange by some people, even in one of my threads here, some posters were concerned that the guy I was posting about didn't have social media.

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, if you like the woman you talk about in this thread, it makes no sense to go asking about her friend that she supposedly wanted to set you up with. 

 

I agree, I'm confused whether the OP likes the girl at work or is interested in her friend.

2 minutes ago, ghost72 said:

I was thinking about asking her about her friend? But like I don’t understand how I can. She suggested we hang out outside of work one day with another girl who works here. 

I'd try to ask her out and see how it goes. If she really wants to set you up with her friend, I believe she will tell you this when you hang out.

If you like her, then ask her out for coffee or a drink after work, just the two of you, without your coworkers. So you can be more relaxed and not worry about your coworkers watching you and making jokes.

Thank you for all your input, it's great to read this!

Just to clarify - I'm not that shy and reserved, I think some people might have gotten the wrong idea. I'm not the biggest extrovert but I go out a lot and I like to socialize with my friends.

I am a little shy when it comes to men because I would rarely make the first move or show clear interest in the past. This has been changing though, I've been doing things differently lately and I enjoy it!

I'll see what I'll do in this situation with this coworker.

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

I agree that they should have discussed it with you, particularly if you had been dating a while; however, to play devil’s advocate for a minute - you had been dating a while yet you were still at that level of anxiousness and shyness despite this. You could have also communicated with them that you suffered from such extreme levels of it as to impact how people perceived you - even after dating for some time. So, to this end, I think you equally matched these men’s level of insecurity. Of course, you are self aware enough to recognise that now and to have worked on and grown from those insecurities.

OP- Kim, as I have said in your other threads, so much can be avoided just by direct, clear communication. In your shoes, I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else. By suggesting a time it then leaves no room for ambiguity. He follows it up with a positive response or a negative/vague/non-committal response. Either way, you understand where you stand. It also doesn’t expose you in any kind of vulnerable way romantically speaking, and would, in fact, be a great way for you to meet some co-workers and network/build friendships.

Yes, I have been practicing direct communication with other men and it has helped a lot. I have stopped posting in my other thread but I still appreciate your advice!

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Slightly touching arm while laughing is not forbidden that I know, but it works very well to show someone you appreciate them. It’s IMO the best way to break the physical barrier on a date, especially with a coworker. It’s not aggressive, discret and most important: non sexual… 

I'm not saying touching a man's arm is sexual but I don't think it's appropriate with a coworker that I have seen only once. It's too soon to break physical barriers, at least for me.

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I was referring to send him a text for the after work. 

 

I disagree. If I understood well, Kim doesn’t know the other coworkers that well, and she is invited to join for the next after work they will plan. Not her job to arrange anything… is that correct kim? 

I don't know anyone from his team, just him.

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Maybe next time you could try strong and long eye contact, touch his arm while laughing, give a compliment or two… play with your lips while watching his, touch your hair, let him see you neck by tilting your head a bit on the side, caress your arm with one hand while listening to him,  tease him a bit and be slightly flirty… these are great signs of interest while interacting with someone. I don’t think you need to do more… it’s all body language. 

Yes but he's still a coworker so I have to take that into account and be cautious with physical contact.

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes!  It was many years ago when I was super shy and anxious, I was actually diagnosed with GAD at the time so I was anxious about everything!  

I was also, not proud to admit, quite entitled.  I fully expected men to chase me without me doing a damn thing but existing as I posted earlier.

There were two men that I recall who I really liked.  One I dated for 2-3 months (can't recall exactly it was many years ago) who ghosted me.  I was quite crushed.  But I let him go and a couple of months later, he reached out and we talked.

He admitted HE felt insecure because the vibe I had been giving him was of disinterest, so he stopped pursuing me.  He asked me out again at that time, but I had begun dating another man so declined.

Another man, a dentist, I also REALLY liked.  He also ghosted me for the same reason.  My girlfriend had set me up with him as he was a friend of her boyfriend's but I had such a sense of entitlement (again NOT proud to admit) that again I didn't feel I had to do ANYTHING but exist and he should continue pursuing me.

He told my girlfriend (who had set us up) that he could never get a good read on me for this reason and he stopped pursuing me.

Anyway, since then, I got over my sense of entitlement (along with my shyness and anxiety) and realized that men need encouragement too, especially early stages, dating is not just about "men chase/women respond."  Both are equal participants and as such should show interest and make effort in different ways.

@LootieTootiesuggested you mention the group meet again in a casual way, but I am NOT even suggesting that.  Just simply be open and friendly when you see him, smile!!  

Nowadays, and not to brag but I cannot recall one man whom I have had an interest in who has not asked me out for a second date.

I had a date last Saturday and he asked me out again the following day.  He is very nice, successful and attractive but I am not romantically interested in him so declined.

Yesterday, a sales person from a deposition reporter's office came to our office and I was my open and friendly self and HE asked me out for lunch tomorrow.  He made a point to tell me it was not a "sales pitch," and we both laughed.

He's around 10 years younger than I (mid-20s) which is too young for me, so nothing will become of it, but my point is, if you do nothing, nothing is gonna happen.

That said, I just learned from others that you have been open and friendly and gave him indications of interest and he still hasn't budged, so again best to let it go.

Be professional at the office and that's it.

As I said, I'm not sure I gave him indications of interest, from my point of view I didn't do anything that could indicate clear interest, apart from being friendly. 

The thing is that there is a very little chance that I'll just see him at the office because most people work from home, and go to the office only a few times per month.

Anyway, it's interesting to read about different opinions and experiences.

27 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I get that ALL the time. And I agree with their perception, not because I'm anxious or shy, rather, just how I am.

I think Kim's case she gave numerous indicators that she's romantically attracted and he's not biting.

I'm actually not sure if I gave any indicators that I'm interested in him. I mean, I always accept coffee suggestions from coworkers, or I say yes to lunch or an after-work thing (if I'm free), for me it's a polite thing to do at work.

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think I will wait for Kim to respond with more context.

Such as how they interacted in the days following the meet.  His behavior, her behavior.

But thanks!!! 

So I said yes to his invite for drinks with his coworkers. That was the last time I saw him in person so we only interacted online afterwards.

As I said, he sent me a message right after coffee that it was nice to meet me. I replied that it was nice to meet him too.

Last week and this week we exchanged a few messages but it was only about work. He also messaged me to apologize that it took him longer to finish one task I was waiting for but again, it was just about work. His messages are friendly, with lots of emojis.

I work for a big company and we can also work from home so I have no idea when I'll see him next at the office.

I don't think I was cold during that coffee break, we talked very easily, there were no awkward pauses. It's hard for me to tell if I was flirty because I'm not sure if he would interpret it as flirting, but he did laugh at my jokes. I tend to be a little shy but overall the coffee break went really well, at least for me.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's too much if you ask him if he wants to come to your place for a home cooked meal wink wink but asking about the coworkers -sounds run of the mill to me.

Thank you, it's akways good to hear a different point of view, I think I'll try to be more proactive this time, instead of just waiting for him to make a move.

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I don't know ..but if a guy is funny and I want to know him better, I would probably reach out and ask "hey, when are we getting drinks with your coworkers?" 😁

I know that's just me and not you Kim. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I wouldn't worry. But yea, I love when anyone can make me laugh and feel at ease. 

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too. And yes, that means doing/saying something you normally wouldn't. I didnt meet anyone significant doing meetup groups - and some of those meetup groups were obviously for dating under hobbies/interests -  but I did meet a lot of interesting and amazing people just pretending to be something I am not.

I like this and honestly wish I was more proactive in these situations. I'm just worrried it would be too much since I've only seen him once.

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, do YOU have romantic interest in him?  This wasn't clear from your posts, at least to me....

 

I have seen him only once so I can't say that I like him or something, but yeah I'd like to get to know him better and maybe spend some time outside work, we had a good time during our coffee break, he was funny and easy to talk to.

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing that has not been mentioned is that it's possible he had an interest in you and as such invited you out.  Yes it was with a group but that may have been to lessen whatever awkwardness there may have been and to get more a "feel" for you out of the office and in a social setting.

While you were out and talking one-on-one, he got to know you and whatever interest he had initially had dissipated and he decided it best you remain strictly co-workers.

Just because a man asks a woman out indicating some level of interest, that doesn't mean that interest will still be there after spending more time and getting to know her.  Same for women about men. 

If this were an online situation, it what's known as a "one and done," it's very common.

Again a possibility. 

It's all speculation without speaking to HIM.

 

 

Just to clarify, we had coffee during work hours, we didn't hang out outside work. While we were talking during our coffee meet, he invited me to join him and his team for drinks after work. But that didn't happen yet.

But yeah, it's totally possible that he changed his mind in the meantime for whatever reason.

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What makes you think I don’t? This post? This post is a microscope to a small fragment of my life. I’m here to talk about this particular relationship, because it outlines interpersonal patterns I have that I’d like to address.  However, it’s not the only form of contact in my life. I host gatherings twice a month and am active in several meetup groups.  Lol. 

Ok thanks for clarifying.

Can you please explain how you progressed romantically with her? If you feel like it, of course.

14 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I have found over the years that many people mis-read any attention from an opposite sex person as romantic attraction.  Friendly to some people is light flirting.  

Especially in the work place absent an overt specific request for a date, my advice is don't assume.  

Be cordial going forward but otherwise just do your job.  

That shouldn't be an issue, I have very limted contact with him as far as work, we only worked on one project and then my manager gave me a little task that involved several people, including him. But otherwise we don't work together and I don't see him at all because we can also work from home so most people don't go to the office.

38 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

It sounds professional not romantic.  

Yeah maybe I simply misread the situation. I think it was the flirty vibe that is hard to describe and the 'nice to meet you' message that he sent after coffee that made me think he might be interested. No big deal though.