TeddyPSmith

It's been 15 months. I wish I could say I'm over you but im not. I’m not mad at you anymore. I fully realize that I lost the love of my life. I ruined another relationship but this time with “the one”. Right now, tonight, I admire you. Looking at your Facebook, I can see why I was and am so in love with you. You are so incredibly beautiful, smart, and funny. Why were you not enough? Why was I so insecure? This will probably go down in my memory like Al Bundy's high school touchdown pass.

My life has gone down the tubes. It could always be worse but it’s never been this bad. I’ll have to pull myself up somehow. I don’t even know how to do it. One foot in front of the other I guess. You wouldn’t be proud of who I’ve become. Maybe this was necessary. Maybe there is some master plan. I really hope so. I hope this leads to some growth somehow.

Anyway, I just felt the need to type this out. I hope that one day we can run into each other and just express love. Not get back together. Just love and forgiveness. Take care

I am still as in love with you as ever. You were the love of my life and I don’t think it will ever go away. I would never wish this on anyone

I saw a post you made that mentioned you probably acted pretty terrible to an ex or exes. I wonder if you were referring to me. Probably not. It doesn't really matter much. You also liked a family member of mine's post recently. That was weird. Yall weren't really friends and you and I aren't friends anymore. I am still searching for signs subconsciously. It's sad. It's been a year and I think about you every day still. It would've been easier had I never met you.

I broke down and looked at your Facebook page. God I just miss you so much. Now that I’ve been sufficiently torn down to my core, I can see how I handled things so wrong. I thought I was doing things right and justified in my actions. I just let all the surface issues rule my mind and forgot how much I truly adored you. Now I’m left with such an empty void. Nothing means anything to me anymore. There is no more color. If only I could’ve stepped back and seen things objectively. I’ll never stop loving you. Sometimes that person just comes along in your life that you never let go of.

It’s coming up on a year pretty soon. Probably that long since I touched you. I’m doing ok I guess. The waves still come but when they do there is more time between them. But when they hit, they hit. The memories, the thoughts of what could’ve been, the longing.

I feel that I should’ve been over you long ago. I still hope that one day you’ll look back wirh regret at your decision. I hope that I’ll hear from you. Just something to show that I meant something to you. Some credit for being better than you made me out to be. Anything. I’m pretty sure that day will never come, short of a miracle from God.

I just can’t believe it happened to me at this age. I thought I was stronger and more hardened than I am. I didn’t expect this. I’m not all that happy with my life. This year has led to a lot of self discovery. A lot of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness. I can’t imagine ever replacing you. Regardless of my bad feelings, I can’t take away from how special you were to me. I guess I can at least say that I am somewhat at peace with that and no longer need to vilify you that much.

I’ll just keep trudging along. Maybe it will be just a distant memory one day. Until then, I still love and miss you.

These last few days have been brutal. I miss you more than ever. I’m flooded with memories of you. I would do anything to have you back...except actually try to get you back. I couldn’t take the rejection. You’re the most special and unique girl I’ve ever been with. Our little family is all I could ask for right now. I don’t think I will ever be the same or love anyone like I loved you. I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance again in this lifetime. It just doesn’t come around twice. Our 2 years affected me 1000 times more than my marriage. We still think and talk about y’all all of the time. Please come back to me.

I’m tired of pretending that I hate you, that you were not good for me, that I deserve better. I’m tired of thinking that I meant so little to you that you moved on so quickly and never spoke to me again. I’m tired of looking forward to being over you. I’m tired of believing that I’ll find someone that’s magically better.

I accept that I still love you and probably always will. I accept that your cold departure is fueling my obsession. It’s ok that nobody will compare to you for a very long time. It sucks more than you’ll ever know but the truth is the truth and I can’t hide from it anymore. I have to let it be what it is. I can’t control everything. I’ll have to learn to live with this. Maybe this will lead to some sort of healing, maybe not. I just have to adapt to life this way.

I wish you’d get back in touch with me one day. I know that I was good to you and made logical choices about us. I also know I ed up at times. I was so insecure with you. I’m sorry. I wish we could’ve worked. I hope you can have good memories of me and know that I’m good, despite some ugly things I said in moments of despair. Please don’t let that overshadow who I was to you. We all make mistakes.

I hope I can get over you one day. I hope there is someone else out there that I’ll be as enamored with but also better for me. I know you probably don’t even think of me anymore. You’re living your life and have already been through another guy. It was easy for you. I should’ve seen that coming a mile away. I guess I knew it.

I have good days where I mostly forget about you, but its apparent that im distracting myself with women and alcohol. Its been 7 months. Feeling this way is sucks. I fully believe that you were over me in an instant. That I probably never cross your mind. That you feel fully justified in your decision and that it was all my fault. It such bull$hit bc I tried with us. I put out the effort. I was good to you. You mostly just took in the relationship and never gave. It was all about what benefited you. But you walked away pain-free and I carried the burden of it all (and still do). I guess that was fitting and matched up with our relationship.

Now I am forcefully telling myself that you are gone forever and I will never hear from you again. I'm at the point of having to do this bc I still cling to hope that one day you'll realize your mistake and come crawling back. But that is not healthy and not likely. Even if you did, I cant stick around waiting. I really just want to be over you. I want to remember you with no painful memories. I dont want to long for you anymore. I dont want to feel like I "lost". Maybe one day.

boy was I wrong in the post above. It has come back with a vengeance. The depression. The longing for you. I dont feel that ill ever be happy again or that ill ever be able to replace you. What was wrong with me that you weren't enough? Why did I think I could do better? Today I hate my life. I can't even look at pictures of you for fear that ill regress even further. I doubt im even a blip on your radar at this point. You never cared to even check in on me. You never had any compassion for me. Why was it so easy for you to find someone new and be happy? What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve love and respect? I just want it to all be over.

I feel like im finally getting over you. I went up in the mountains and hiked for nearly 100 miles. I almost lost it along the way. I couldn't stop thinking about you. Every memory that I could conjure came to mind. I felt and processed them all. I thought about every possibility with your new boyfriend. I wanted to step off the side of the mountains at times. Then one night laid in my tent for hours, crying off and on, staring at the leaf patterns. I woke up the next morning, shed a few more tears, and it felt as if you were in the past. It felt like the fever broke. I stupidly decided to look at your facebook profile picture a few days after that. It was a new picture of you and your son. You were obviously somewhere away from home. Did your boyfriend take that picture? You both looked so happy. My mind immediately raced to fill in all the blanks. I spiraled down the hole again, back to square one. After a few days, I started to feel a bit better. I still think about you very often but it isn't the same. It seems more out of habit or lack of anything else to do. I feel weird even writing this post. I have a hard time thinking anything good about you anymore. It seems that I wont have any good memories. I cant tell if that's a defense mechanism or the truth. Maybe a mixture of both. Ive also met someone else that ive developed a crush on. I think its unreciprocated but I don't care. She isn't you. Its nice to not want you for a change. I still look for your car when I drive the familiar routes. I still think about making love to you. But you are fading away from me and it's not that sad for once.

It’s been almost 6 months and I still dream about you every fu@king night. I wake up hurting every day. Why do you occupy so much of my heart and mind? Why are you so hard to get over? What does it mean? I deserve a better life than this.

For the first time in 6 months I feel like you are a complete stranger to me. Like I wouldn't even know you if I ran into you. I wouldn’t feel the need to strike up a conversation. I wouldn’t feel very guilty for avoiding you. I’m sad that we had our time together and it ended. I’m warmed that we did have good times. I’m sad that you meant so much to me. Im sad that you aren’t here anymore....but it feels like you’re dying. I don’t even know where these feelings came from. I don’t know why they’re here now. Maybe I’m letting go. Maybe there is no hope of you ever coming back (as stupid as it sounds that you ever would’ve come back). You don’t care and that’s fine. You moved on quickly and that’s fine. It’s your right. I’m sure you acted as you saw fit, just as I did.

I dreamed that we were together, giving it another shot. I was playing with your son and we were all so happy.

I guess the truth is that you weighed the options in your mind and decided that we were better off separate. You said there were better people for both of us. I don’t know if you had someone in mind or if you were genuinely trying to talk your way through the breakup. It doesn’t make me feel better that you ended up dating your cowoker a couple months later (well that’s when it became public on Facebook). The fact that you never spoke to me again makes it seem like you moved on quickly. In the past you’d have been calling incessantly. I don’t know. I just hate this. It’s ruined me.

What's so messed up is how close our children were and how little regard you gave them at the end. They spent nearly half of their lives together. You couldn't even give it a fighting chance for them. You wouldn't even let them see each other a final time. You just said "they aren't getting along that great anyway". My daughter talks about him all the time. She hasn't seen him in 6 months and she constantly talks about their memories. How does it mean so little to you? Something just has to be wrong with you to be so cold.

Why did I ever have to meet you? You broke the mold for me. Why did it take until I was 40 to meet the most influential woman in my life? It would’ve been easier to deal with the loss in my 20s when I had time to recover. Now so much is in the balance. I want a family but am too hung up on you to start one with someone else.

We could’ve had our family if you just showed more affection to my daughter. After 2 years you never really took to her. You never did anything with her or made an effort. I talk to girls now that can’t wait to meet her. Why couldn’t you be more like that? It’s what you expected for your son. I treated him like mine. You wanted me to adopt him yet you couldn’t be affectionate with mine because “she already has a loving mom”.

Damn. Now I’m worse off than I was before I met you. You’re living it up with your new boyfriend and I’m here just RUINED. Is karma really a thing? When does it work for me?

You talked about all of your coworkers when we were together but you never once mentioned this guy “Kris”, the guy who is now your boyfriend and who was fairly quickly after you broke up with me. You said you wouldn’t be dating for a very long time. I used to ask you if that other guy “Will” was your work husband. I told you that I know all about work husbands as my ex wife had an affair with one and is now married to him. You said you understood. But you never once talked about “Kris”. Damn, I feel like I got played AGAIN. Talk about feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Most of the time I feel like I will never get over you. You were everything I always wanted (plus a lot of things I didn’t want). I can’t tell if this is a good or bad thing that you left. I don’t like that you moved on so quickly and never spoke to me again. I think I always knew you’d break my heart. Now there’s nothing left for anyone else and nobody else will compare.

Today feels worse than most other days. It’s been a string of bad days just messing up to this. I don’t even know why. I’m imagining all the possibilities of you with your new boyfriend. Will you move with him? Will it last? How can you just be with someone else? You said you weren’t going to date for a long time. Was that even true? I feel like I really lost “the one” with you. I’m beginning to feel like ill never love again. Or at least anyone else will be a letdown from you. You always had that kind of pull over me. In some ways I wish we never met.

The pain is so unpredictable. I felt fine last night. Even hopeful. But a night full of dreams about you and it's like im back to square one. It should not be taking this long. Ive gone from a person of high function to someone that can barely complete the most menial tasks. I didn't cry for decades and now Ive cried every day for 5 months. I imagine this will be like all of my other exes...you will go on to marry this guy and live happily ever after. Maybe Im not cut out for relationships.

Were you ever really in love with me? I thought you were but how did you ever show me? I was doing a relationship inventory from a book I read and it asked to name 5 “special” things you did for me. Not things like buying me a birthday present or the usual expected things. But unexpected and really special. Well, I could only think of one thing you did for me and I suspect that may have been out of some guilt. So what does that mean? I know that it didn’t make me feel loved. You said I was too sensitive but maybe I had good reason.

I just can’t wait to put this all behind me. I’m just afraid I’ll never find anyone like you again. How sad is that? I don’t even believe you were in love with me but I still have you on a pedestal.

why cant I let go of you? Its been nearly 5 months and I just cant let go. Maybe I am still waiting for some kind of validation from you. You left me so abruptly and never looked back You've got a new boyfriend now and are living your life. Your reasons for leaving SUCKED. You completely invalidated us. Why have you always had this power over me? Nobody has EVER had that kind of power over me. I want you to come back so bad but I know it's not happening. I know I have to let you go. I just cant.

Why do I vacillate between anger, love, sadness, and remorse at the drop of a hat? You dont even CARE anymore! You probably aren't aware that I still exist! Yet here I am, day in and day out, dreaming about you, thinking about you, remembering all of the things we did together. I am carrying all of the weight. I can't wait for this to be over. I dont even know that I love you anymore. I just want the pain to end. I just want a better outlook on life. Maybe it's not even about you at this point. Maybe its a lack of self. Whatever it is, I want it to be over.

I remember playing Van Morrison on Pandora while you and the kids swam. I bbq’d and drank a few beers, happy and content. After we ate we’d all get in the pool. I’d throw the kids up in the air over and over and over. They loved it. Then I’d chase you around underwater, pinching your butt. God you were so sexy.

We’d come in and you’d bath the kids. I’d put on a Disney movie and make popcorn. We’d each put our own child to bed and then meet back in the den to drink an expensive craft beer or two. We’d come in my room, light candles, make love, and fall asleep until a kid knocked on the door. You’d hide and then go to the guest room with your son for the night.

We’d all wake up the next morning. The kids would annoy the crap out of us with all of the giddy energy and I’d fix us all a big breakfast. We’d repeat the previous day.

What happened to us? How did it come to this? That moment i described is all I could ask for in this world. I’d give anything to have it back. Little bouts of friction add up I guess. Why couldn’t I just move forward with us and propose to you? Why couldn’t you cut me some slack? I worked so hard for us.

How could you say “it wasn’t right”? How could you say “we weren’t compatible”? How could you walk away and never look back? Were you already with him in the end? Something changed the month before you broke up with me. Your voice became dead. You stopped calling and texting. You seemed to do things that only benefited you. Was your idea for a “day of service” Christmas just a way to get things done around your house before you dumped me? I invited y’all to Disney bc I was drowning in other life problems. You didn’t want to go for just a weekend and told us to go without you...so I did. Biggest mistake of my life. Then you ended it and said it was because I wouldn’t compromise. You said “I hope it was worth it”. You made it seem like it was all a mistake.

Now you’re with golden boy, a decade younger than you, just barely out of college. You’ve hurt me so deeply. It’s been 5 months and I dream about you every night. I think about you all day. I am trying to rationalize it. I can’t. This is the single biggest loss of my life. All of my other myriad of problems don’t even matter anymore. I don’t care that my job sucks. I don’t care about my expensive home repairs. I used to be jealous of my daughter’s step dad. I wanted you to love her like he does. Now I’m just thankful that she’s loved bc I have become a shell of who I once was. I had it all and now I’ve been burnt to the ground. I feel like I left you better than I found you. You left me worse.

But I still love you. I also hate you.