We've been married for 7 years, together for 11. I am 37, she is 34 We have 2 children and our life is perfect..... almost.
We've never really been very active sexually. I have a high sex drive, she doesn't. Recently, I am having an even harder time of dealing with this than I used to and its driving me crazy. I've tried "talking" to her about this before which neither of us find easy - but she doesn't see it as a problem. Here is my recent attempt....
"This is another one of those messages you will roll your eyes at and that's the problem.
Although Sex is the largest manifestation of what is bothering me.... the actual problem is Desire!
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying (but perhaps still not enough). I'm tired of thinking about what I might be doing wrong. I'm tired of having a wife (and girlfriend prior to that) that is as sexually attracted to me as she is to a concrete block. I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of plucking up the courage to talk to you about sex (in the hope we both get more comfortable with it) and it being met with yes/no answers at best, or at worst - eye rolls and apathy. Im tired of suggesting things that arnt that weird but the suggestions being met with indignation or disgust or just as bad - reluctance. Im tired of texting you (or any of the little things ive tried once or twice) from the other room to be told im weird. I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of feeling so sexually undesirable to my wife. I'm tired of knowing that in 11 years, we are likely still only in double figures in the number of times we've had sex or even done sex stuff. I'm tired of thinking about my wife having no intentions of having sex with me on our wedding night. I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of wondering about what I could do better. Should I be more forceful, less forceful or stop trying altogether. Should i last longer, is my penis too small, should I talk dirty, try new positions, buy toys, new approaches, take you out more, give you more space or less space. Have I stopped putting the right effort in. Im tired (but also very accepting) of the fact that this whole message is more my problem than it is yours!!!!!!!!) I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of seeing you anytime and wanting to you there and then to kiss you and feel your body against mine but thinking you'd not be interested so why bother! I'm tired of wondering whether you just want it over and done with. Im tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of thinking you are holding something back from me..... (Not an affair) some level of sexuality that you are too prudish to share or I don't satisfy. Something that gets you sexually excited or intrigued where I never have. I'm tired of thinking of what might happen in the future as we both get older. I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important.
I'm tired of over analysing what all this means and how it makes me feel. I'm tired of being used to it and "accepting" it - knowing how it makes me feel once the feelings build up.
Most of all..... I'm tired of you not thinking this stuff is important..... It's bottom of your list.... after the kids, work, the house, the family, checking facebook, whatsapping, friends, tv, etc, etc, etc. That's if its on your list at all or ever has been. I'm tired of you not wanting to be seduced or wanting to seduce me.
Sex is just a symptom as was my insecurities a couple of weeks ago... the problem is desire - or the lack of. I want to be desired.... just a bit. If I'm doing things wrong to make that unlikely.... i need it to be important to you.... i need you to tell me. If I'm doing nothing wrong then I still need it to be important to you.
Sorry for another rant..... I'm already feeling guilty for this message and how I'm feeling because I don't want to hurt or upset you.... but bottling it up won't help.
I love you. X"
Her response has been less than overwhelming - we had a conversation that evening about it.... it didn't last long. She told me she liked things the way they were and was scared of losing me over it. A few days later I initiated sex with her (although she thought she'd initiated it..... it was good, I always love having sex with her and I always work hard with foreplay to try and make sure she enjoys it too, but she never initiates and I genuinely believe she wouldn't be bothered if we never had sex again. That hurts me.
I don't know what to do and fear this is the beginning of the end.... I don't want it to be, but don't know where else to turn????
Any advice gratefully received.