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Everything posted by Whoknowsnow

  1. Seriously, does social media add ANYTHING, to ANYONE's life, EVER?
  2. I would say don't even bring it up, just turn the light off yourself when you get home I don't think I agree with this. I think that he/she is clearly very frustrated but unable to express it. It's not about the light, it's about the feeling that it is triggering, that's what needs to be communicated.
  3. Relationship tennis I call it. antidote: don't serve, don't return ball. how to do that: communicate about how you are feeling. own everything you are saying: "I feel..." statements. don't accuse. Just focus on yourself in every conversation. "You said you switch off everything, the light is not off"..... could be translated as "I feel frustrated and unsupported about monitoring our energy usage" (for example). It's far more honest and less accusatory. You'll be amazed how quickly it diffuses things.
  4. Well what have you got to lose really? If you don't do anything then it's probably over anyway. If you do something and it doesn't work, what have you lost? It's better to just try it out I reckon.
  5. Hey there, I've seen similar patterns in myself and recently I have been exploring the difference between self-esteem and self-respect and self-soothing. I see it like this: - Self-esteem is when you feel good about what you do. - Self-respect is when you feel good about who you are, and your recognition of your own right to exist regardless of what you do or achieve. - Self-soothing is the way in which people unconsciously regulate their stress. Personally I don't have this ability very well established and often have relied on others to provide it for me. I feel like it's been very easy for me to mix these things up. Like I'm struggling at work so I think if I work harder I'll feel better (trying to build self-esteem), whereas actually the issue is not the amount i'm doing but rather my sense of self-worth. In those moments self-soothing would be better (i.e. have a relaxing lunch hour in the park instead of working through to try to feel like a good employee). It's ok for me to look after myself and be gentle with myself. I have massively high expectations of myself, and have a very loud inner critical voice (a sure sign of not being able to soothe myself), and then I feel insecure and go searching round for people to tell me I'm good. And of course then you get the people telling you that you're too sensitive or whatever. But that's not helpful. And in all of this, the worst times, when I feel like how you wrote, is when I'm exhausted and need a rest, because that's when it overcomes me. I hope some of this is useful, and I think that self-soothing is a new thing that I've found that has really helped me. Googling it was a little unhelpful (drink a cup of herbal tea is not the best advice ever), but the point is that I noticed how hard I am on myself, and that perhaps the main problem is that my "inner soother" is weak. That's a far nicer problem to have!
  6. He's probably doing it because he knows it gets a reaction. The best thing would be to figure out what makes him react, and then bring it up every time he says something like that. Which would then shut him up eventually. Then at least you don't feel powerless. Better than arguing, because your angry reaction is what he's looking for.
  7. What does "we tag everyday" mean? Like you tag each other in posts? Is that some new level of flirting?
  8. Fair enough. I'm caught. It just feels so convoluted that I'm trying to separate out all the points, and shifting some of the details so that nobody I know will read this and know it's me and then use that information to humiliate me (which I'm really afraid of). I apologise for the deception.
  9. I don't really want anything to do with him to be honest. But I accept the point about not overanalysing. If I could stop over analysing and get on with my life, I wouldn't be writing a post here. I tried to work this morning on some things and it's like someone has crushed my brain.
  10. Hi all, I have a history of psychosis, and I was in work last year and started to feel like people were deceiving me and I went totally crazy and had to quit. I ended up at my brother's, but we've never really been that close, but he ended up letting me stay at his house for a while. My brother was openly supportive but then I found out that behind my back he had told people that I quit because I couldn't handle a bit of teasing. (I understand you might doubt this since i have psychosis, but I am 100% sure of this and saw it in writing). If teasing means you need 4mg of risperidone then I must be a really weak waste of space right? (No, I'm not). I finally get back on my feet and go a few cities away for some space. So then six months later my brother comes to me and he's freaking out because his partner is sure he's having an affair, and I spend the whole weekend talking to him, and it seems like they need relationship counselling, which they end up going to for one session. But then he stops going and she starts going on her own because she has some "issues". Then the following month we go out for drinks, and he drunkenly tells me that he is actually having an affair. He instantly regrets it, but the cat's out of the bag. Then I don't hear from him for months, and I ask if I can go see them, and he kind of avoids it. So then I try to get on with my life. Then suddenly he wins some money and sends me 8 grand. Which was kind of him. We don't really stay in touch much. Then another few months go by, and I decide to try to sort out a lot of stuff that I left in storage, and I ask if I can stay at his place for a little while to go through it, and I get the impression he thinks I want to move my stuff into his house, but don't want to ask, which wasn't true. Providence seemed to get in the way here and my flight to go visit him was cancelled, so I changed my plan and went to the storage place secretly and just sorted out all the stuff by myself, which felt really good. Meanwhile it's constantly brewing in the back of my head that my brother has deceived his partner to the point where she needs mental health care. And he's paying for it! And I have been examining how I feel I have suffered from psychological manipulation in the past, and am having therapy to go through it. And its been a real breakthrough. I realised I needed a lot of space from my brother. I stupidly tried to talk about the abuse I felt I had suffered from other family members, and he said "as long as they're not hurting me and mine, I don't have a problem with them". A few months later I decided I would like to get the suitcase from my brother so that I can be square away and not feel like I'm depending on him. So I called him and he told me that he had been very sick and was even worried that maybe he had cancer, but later said that it wasn't cancer. I felt very confused, like I have to have sympathy for him now??? Whenever we speak he wants to know "how I'm holding up", and apparently concerned about my wellbeing, but as I mentioned above that seems to be completely out of line with his private opinion. I asked to know what's in the suitcase so that I can get it shipped here. And he said he'd tell me the next day. One week went by and no response. I contacted him again. Again two weeks went by and he didn't do anything. Then I called him and asked him what was going on. He said he was very busy and frustrated, but not sick, and that he would tell me the next day for sure. That was two weeks ago. Again nothing. It's completely out of character. At first I thought he was just playing head games. Then I started to wonder if he is just overwhelmed and I've just selfishly demanded something from him one too many times and he's had enough of it. Then I remembered that I only want the suitcase because I want to get away from him. I have asked him several times if he's ok, and I suspect that if I get angry or attempt to be more forceful, he will twist it around so that I seem unreasonable. The more it goes on the more I realise this really reminds me of my father. And I'm sure I've stonewalled people too, though as a psychological defence. I thought maybe he is reacting to that, because I've been less forthcoming of late, less needy, less helpless. I'm so confused, but you can see there are a few red flags here, and then a lot of mitigating circumstances. I don't even really care about the content of the suitcase. It feels wrong to have it just hanging in the air like this, but I suspect contacting him will lead to more convolution not less. I'm writing this because the last year has been the best year of my adult life in terms of insight and opening up, and then this last month or so has just been the pits of confusion. Please ask me anything. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't deserve this and I don't know how to resolve it.
  11. Having been surrounded by people who think I'm lazy and bad with money, I can tell you it is easy to feel infantilised and start acting out and tantruming. That said, I agree with everyone here. Not your responsibility and protecting your family should be first.
  12. This sounds very stressful. I think you need to ask what you need from the relationship. That's what's missing from your post. It's all about other people and their demands on you. What do YOU need? You deserve to have your needs met too.
  13. You should plan for having absolutely no idea what the weather will be like. But it won't be that cold. Could be rainy, could be still like summer.
  14. I got it now, thanks very much! I'm feeling much better after opening up here. Thanks for all the comments
  15. I keep getting "reputation comments" but then I can't figure out how to access them. Can someone tell me ?
  16. Thanks... also you have to realise this is all happening in Britain. So it's not all eternal damnation and hellfire. It's all happening with frowns and dry wit. I'm not sure it's really love though if it's just someone needing me to be a certain way. I would say that's the opposite of love. But I understand what you mean is that their intention in genuine.
  17. I understand what you mean by saying that I am living in my own head. But I have to say I feel trapped in my own head. I work, I exercise, I eat well, I have hobbies I love, I sleep 8 hours. But it's like something flicks the wound and then suddenly I'm down for the count, or just thinking thinking thinking and nothing seems to make it better. But it's better than it was. And perhaps the point is that I am not talking about this stuff enough. And writing here has been helping, so perhaps it's time to think about therapy.
  18. Yeah I see that I'm co-creating the situation. It's a funny dynamic because while I had space I was feeling pretty good, but as soon as I have to explain myself to someone else the high expectations come in, and then I start to feel ashamed and doubting myself, and then angry for feeling sabotaged. I'm really writing because I'm shocked at how hard it has hit me when I thought I was doing so well. Frustrated!
  19. Thank you this all helps. I am fighting for this, and I am spending time with people who are more supportive, but tends to be more online than in real life. I have definitely had a really good year, and I've been trying to do what I really love for once. But breaking free of people needing to worry about me....and of course I must have helped this dynamic... is pretty tiring. Nothing else is really going on in my life other than this- but even when they're not with me, they're still rambling away in my head (some version of them anyway). But just trying to get out from under the past is enough work. Yes I am trying to tell them I'm fine, but they want details. I am doing my best to be firm.
  20. No its more of a situation where I'm perceived as 'lost', and so they feel justified in talking amongst themselves about how best to 'help' me. Which means whatever I say to anyone gets passed around, and also anything I post on social media etc. That's how I feel anyway. Perhaps I am overreacting and I'm not the centre of anyone's attention really, but as I said I feel the stress of it is affecting my emotional state. I try to keep the conversations really simple. I guess I would like to feel like someone has got my back, but I feel a bit surrounded. It's been good to talk it out though. I see now I am avoiding committing myself to just being honest with them, which is maybe why I'm avoiding going too far into detail here.
  21. No not the people in my work. Family and friends who are either miles away or online. I minimise contact. I am not physically trapped. I am not in a cult or commune. But even the slightest interaction with them can lead to me just completely falling apart for days or weeks even, obsessing. I guess when I said I am happy and confident in my beliefs, that doesn't match how I actually act with them. It's harder to get away from people in 2018 than you might think. But if I attempt to properly break contact I think they will become more aggressive and I can't cope with that at the moment. Catch 22. Sorry for the vagueness, but perhaps you don't quite relate to how stressful and worrying it can feel to expose oneself.
  22. My position is that they have no right or need to "save" anyone, and they are just interfering. I know that everyone interferes in others life, but when you mix it with a strict rigid code of conduct and an unquestionable pastor and deity, it's so heavy. Somedays I can't even get out of bed. And I turned away from their beliefs (I've always been one foot in-one foot out) after a few friends left. And nobody has shut me out (yet) but that's probably because I try to walk this line in order to avoid trouble. But they're just poking at me with it: You'd be happier in your job if you were more like . It's not my intention to be discourteous by being vague. It's more a question of feeling private , since I feel like my whole life is ripe for opinion by others, whilst at the same time still asking for help from anonymous people.
  23. Hey there, this is vague but I don't think the details matter: I'm in a situation where a few family members and friends are causing me a lot of stress, and I don't trust that talking to them will be fruitful. They have taken a different view on a situation, and I am confident and happy in my position, but it challenges their religious beliefs. They think I am . And I can't get away. I can feel it's having a profound psychological effect on me... and I'm not sure what to do. Haha, I realised from what I wrote that it sounds like this is a post about coming out, but it's not. It's more about what is an appropriate way to treat people and how God plays a part in one's life. Free will etc.
  24. Hi thanks for reading this. I'm a thirty nine year old British male. I don't have the responsibility of a family. I've been working in an office at a creative, but ultimately frustrating job. I didn't feel like I was living up to my potential. But all of a sudden I've discovered I love to cook. It's been about a year, and I have been throwing myself into cooking each day, and I'm totally obsessed with it. I am so sick of my job, and I want a change. I have a little bit of savings, and I could make a jump. The thing is, what to do? There is a little bit of a dream, like to open a cafe or something. But I'm by no means an expert cook. I just know I really love doing this one thing, more than anything I've ever felt. It gives me pleasure in a way my current work never has. I want to take it to the next level, but I can't think what to do. I can't imagine doing some cooking school with people half my age. I can't imagine becoming a member of staff in someone's restaurant at my age. But then suddenly being a business owner feels like a huge jump. I can't see the intermediate steps to change career. I would love any advice.
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