I need some help. I'm feeling quite lost.
I am a half Arab and half European woman. I have always been quite confused about my identity. I grew up in the Middle East, but I never really fit in. I was always shy, reserved and didn't have that many friends.
I have been living in the UK for maybe 10 years now. I get a lot of attention and I am considered attractive. I am also reasonably successful.
I seem to always attract men physically. Throughout my 20s I was asked out by many men but none of them wanted relationships, they all wanted me for my appearance. Needless to say, I didn't have a very active sex or dating life as a result.
I met a Danish guy a year ago. We instantly clicked, a lot of chemistry and affection. He taught me how to be cosy, affectionate, he showered me with love and friendship. But he never wanted a relationship. He went back to Denmark and we stopped talking because I wanted some kind of commitment and he never wanted one.
After a few months apart I missed him, he reached out to me again and we started talking and it was like we never left. Though I knew it would hurt, l decided to give him unconditional love. we visited each other and it all felt so beautiful. He even said he loved me once when he was sleeping, I don't think he knows he said it.
But he still doesn't want a relationship, he wants to keep things open, he told me not to have any expectations.
I decided to take a break from talking to him, but it's making me really sad.
I have recently met a middle eastern guy from my country, he does want a relationship, but I am not very attracted to him. I don't feel we have the same way of thinking. He is into things that I find very cliche like James Bond. He works hard but he doesn't have an enlightened way of viewing the world, he is also a little judgmental of free spirited people, which I feel deep down I am.
I have been feel pretty down this week. I feel like a horrible person for rejecting someone from my own culture and going for this Scandinavian beautiful guy who isn't really respecting me or valuing me. I feel a bit racist and judgmental, like I am rejecting a part of myself.
All the European guys I dated would make fun of things about the Arab culture. I feel like I just started to accept that and it hurts because it's me and I love my culture, but I'm also European and I respect these values as well.
Yesterday I went with the two Arab friends to this club and we didn't get in. I know it's because they looked Arab. When I go out with my Danish guy, we are invited into clubs.
Therefore I am confused. I am sad about the world we live in, and I don't want to contribute to the problem. Maybe I should just accept this guy and try to love him.
I don't know if love is just finding someone who has good genes and a better socio economic situation.. all the guys I met only wanted me for one thing, maybe they didn't want a relationship because of my Arab background. (Btw I am Christian not Muslim)
I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want real love. But with the Danish guy I felt absolutely in love and I will always be happy for him no matter what happens. But he is lucky because he belongs to a nation that really looks after it's people and I'm just an Arab living in the UK working hard. I'm just a product of my environment and why would he want to be with me?
I don't know if this makes sense. But I need some insight. I am very confused right now morally about love and backgrounds and who I am authentically.