changeablewx

My, you don't pull any punches, do you... Well, Cecelius, your response did unexpectedly strike a chord in me, and that's because there is a major guilt factor involved here. While I can't seem to distinguish my gut from my heart from my head at the moment, I'm starting to think that's not the point. Though the fact that I'm not ready to marry him is kind of what's so disturbing - when, if, to whom if not him (when it seems obvious on many levels that he should be the one). And the fact that I have all these serious doubts and he doesn't (as far as I can tell) makes me feel absolutely terrible. That's why I joined up here - hoping some outside advice would help me clarify my own feelings so as not to string him along, because he absolutely does not deserve that. As for the line between flirting and infidelity, I don't agree with all you said. The fact that I mentioned I have a flirtation going, while I have to admit it's sort of fun, bothers me in that it symbolizes one more barrier I have put up. It is definitely amusing and good for my ego, but it is minor at best, and no lines have been crossed nor will they ever be. Even if I really wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And so, while it does feel indicative of a problem, I do not consider it infidelity, and it in no way reflects how much I like my boyfriend - the two are completely unrelated. If I really didn't like my bf, this would be a no-brainer. As far as his right to know about my attentions, I believe that would only hurt him, and that is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. This other guy is entertainment, and a sign that I need to closely examine and deal with my own struggle. This much I know.

Very insightful, Tiger. And I have to say, 'intrajection' is one of those words that I seem to have passed over through my psych quests, and boy, does it open up a few dozen cans of worms. I do have a therapist, and of course it is her job not to give me any answers - I think she enjoys the drama almost as much as I do. But this isn't fun. He truly is a good guy, everyone likes him, and he is very, very good for me. Given what I know about myself, this really should be sufficient. He is largely responsible for the personal progress I have achieved over the last couple of years, and having that one person you can depend on is worth it's weight in gold. But I am not sure if what I need is what I want, and whether there is a real message hidden somewhere inside or if I'm just being an immature commitmentphobe. Naturally, neither you nor anyone else can answer this for me, but I wonder how some people are able to reconcile this kind of conflict (and have it actually work out). There is so much potential for loss, no matter what direction I choose, and that scares the hell out of me. There's also the issue of his feelings, which I cannot ignore, since he is almost as needy and insecure as I am though he hides it infinitely better. Tricky, ain't it...

First, thanks for your replies; they were very helpful though a bit unsettling (the truth hurts). So, we all know that most relationships have some degree of codependency to them, even the good ones. My question is, barring abuse and addiction issues, how do you determine where you fall on the continuum? What I mean is, if you've never before been in a healthy relationship, and the only thing you know for sure is that you can't always trust your own emotions, how do you distinguish need from love? How do you recognize old patterns when they may be cleverly disguised within the context of a new relationship? Pop psychology and observing other couples seem to offer only shallow information. And wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age.

Hello, I'm new here and hae a serious situation at hand - will try to keep this in a relatively small nutshell. The backstory is: My boyfriend and I met just ten days after my now-ex-husband announced he was leaving, two years ago. He was in town on vacation, lives 900 miles away. Neither of us was "looking", and we hit it off immediately, spoke for hours. We got to know each other quite well over the following few months, via marathon phone calls and emails. Our first official "date" was a week long visit, and I had never been happier in my life. Our relationship became very intense, and he was planning a move to NY (for me, yes, but it was something he had considered previously). We made lots of promises and proclamations pretty early on. The caveats: we have a 17 year age difference; his "attempts" to move here have been thwarted repeatedly, mostly for logistical reasons, but two years later, he still ain't here; there are some issues involving physical intimacy, which I won't go into, but I will mention that there is no infidelity or immoral behavior involved. On the other, larger hand, I know he truly loves me, and has been nothing but supportive, affectionate, patient and understanding (truth be told, I'm a bit emotionally labile, and his unwavering acceptance has done wonders for me). I know he feels a lot of pressure to keep the relationship on track despite the distance, and we've been discussing marriage from very early on. Thing is, I believe he will pop the question over the holidays, and though I was previously all for it (with bits of doubt woven in) I am now experiencing serious cold feet, but I don't know if it's merely that or something more serious. I've got a little flirtation going, which I tend to do often and harmlessly but this time I am actually interested to some extent. I'm very focused on the negatives in our relationship, and am feeling absolutely torn. Perhaps I still just don't know myself well enough, am not mature enough, or maybe he's not the right one. Maybe I need to experience more before settling down again. I love him - he really is my best friend, and I really can't imagine my life without him. He's provided such love and security, which is so important for someone like me - that much I know. And he trusts me implicitly, as I do him. Thing is, I can't seem to figure out or decide what is truly and ultimately best for me, no matter how much soul-searching I do, which has my head spinning on a virtually constant basis now. Any words of wisdom as to how to go about finding the answer? (so much for the nutshell...)