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Jimbob83

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  1. I have just blocked her. Thanks for all the responses...was just what I needed to hear.
  2. So long story short, I was in an 8 year relationship which ended 3 years ago. Had a few short term flings since but nothing substantial. I think I'm conscious of getting myself into another relationship which isn't quite right like the last one so tend to push people away. I am 'friends' with my ex on social media but we don't really have any contact, we don't even text each other happy birthday anymore. Although I have to admit I do find myself going onto her Facebook profile regularly...why you might ask? I don't really know myself. I still think about her and the life we had together, although I don't really think we were right together and do not long for her back or anything. I saw a post today which reading between the lines showed she was in another relationship and they had bought a cat together and were possibly living together. I have made efforts to move on in my own life, I'm in the process of buying a flat, I got myself a dog last year (the ex kept the dog we had together). I know that I should delete her off my social media to help me move on (shouldn't I already have moved on after 3 years?!). Should I text her to tell her I am doing this? I just don't want to see her having obviously moved on with someone else and have it be in my face etc but then I wouldn't want her to think that there is any ill feeling and we didn't finish on bad terms although we were both hurt etc Or just delete her and have done with it? Thanks.
  3. Hi, just wanted to get some people's thoughts on this... So I went back onto online dating a couple of months ago after taking a long break from it. Matched with a girl, went on a date which went pretty well, exchanged phone numbers at the end, and later arranged to go for a second date a week or so later. The day of the second date she pulls out as she is 'tired'. I was a bit annoyed as I had used annual leave to book the day off work (she didn't know this and said she felt terrible about it later). The first date I thought had gone ok, she might have pulled out because she was tired, or she wasn't that bothered about seeing me again, or any number of other reasons, all of which were fine, as I wasn't that invested or anything, but was happy to go for a second date and see what happened. We eventually rearrange the second date. Around the same time I match with another girl, we seemed to click and after a couple of days messaging back and forth, agree to meet for a coffee. Now I have never dated two women at the same time, seems a bit insincere to me. However in these circumstances, I have doubts about the first girl's interest and there is a possibility she may cancel again. I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to meet the second girl but it just seems a bit alien to me to have two dates planned with different women...the subject of dating anyone else hasn't come up with either of the girls, if they did ask I would just be honest. It doesn't really seem right to me but then I think why should I limit my options or have to make a decision on one girl and maybe end things before arranging a date with anyone else? What are people's views on this?? Many thanks...
  4. I’m only in the area for a few weeks and this didn’t seem to faze her or put her off when we were messaging and planning the date etc so that may have meant I made the wrong assumption about what she was after. That said, I have to admit I had a serious lack of judgement with her boundaries and if I could take it back I would. Believe me when I say I am ashamed of myself. I cringe when I read my opening post. I know I was well over the line of what is acceptable. I have been kicking myself ever since. I just don’t feel like myself at the moment. I knew before I went that I am not in the right frame of mind for dating due to being fresh out of a relationship, and knowing that, I know I shouldn’t have even gone on Tinder in the first place. I guess curiosity got the best of me. Interesting point about me still being in ‘relationship mode’. I hadn’t thought of that but it does resonate with me. I’m not going to contact her. I messed up big time, I know that and I just wanted to make it right. But I know nothing I do can make it right, anything I do now can only make it worse. Therefore the best course of action is to do nothing. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I will try and learn from this disaster.
  5. So got myself a little situation, not the biggest deal in the grand scheme of things admittedly but something that I have lost some sleep over and would appreciate some insight… So I am recently out of a long relationship and decided to go on Tinder, out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, maybe a combination. Got chatting to a nice woman, same age as me, lived nearby, texting flowed back and forth etc Didn’t say what I was ‘looking’ for (as I don’t really know myself) but was completely honest about everything. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. We met on the evening in question a couple of days ago. We got on well, lots of eye contact, lots in common etc the conversation flowed well, and there was definitely some attraction both ways. After a couple of hours, I asked her what she wanted to do next, she said it was best to get home and say goodnight to her children. I said no problem. She asked me if I was free later in the week to meet up, I said I would check my shifts and we could sort another meet, she seemed happy by this. She mentioned that ideally she would have liked to have a couple more drinks and leave her car at the pub but couldn’t due to having to get up early the next day. At which point for some reason I mentioned that there was a hotel attached to the pub…and she sort of laughed awkwardly, like she wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. And I’m not sure if I was or not myself at this point. I'd had two drinks but that's it. Wasn't drunk. We walked outside and I walked her over to her car, we kept chatting and she seemed to pause, not actually getting into her car, just chatting. I went to give her a kiss and she reciprocated, with like a very passionate lingering kiss. She then said she felt a bit exposed on the car park etc with people watching us etc. At which point I again mentioned that the nearby hotel was more private… She was clearly very uncomfortable at this suggestion…she told me basically ‘no chance’, said to message her, we said our goodbyes and left. I messaged her when I got home to ask if she got home ok and she said she did, and thanked me for the drink. I then apologised for the ‘hotel thing’. She didn’t reply but ‘unmatched’ me a couple of hours later. Which basically means I can't contact her again through Tinder as all our messages get erased and she disappears off my 'matches' list. This was very out of character for me to be so forward, thinking about the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. Didn’t sit well with me at all, that’s not who I am. Looking back I think that it may have been a combination between wanting to deal with the grief of my last relationship ending by running in the arms of another woman and getting caught up in the moment and the whole Tinder ‘thing’. I found this woman on facebook and was considering sending her a message. I don’t think this situation is salvageable and don’t think I deserve a second chance. My post is not about that. I would just like some advice as to whether I should reach out to her and offer a sincere apology (with no expectation of anything else). For my own peace of mind. And because it just feels like the right thing to do. It felt like the date went really well for a couple of hours, then I somehow managed to ruin everything in the space of about 60 seconds. Would the ladies on here appreciate a sincere apology…or not? Or should I just chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and let it go? Thanks for reading.
  6. Yep. Years. He is on the other side of the world, she met him 15 years ago whist she was travelling. Since then they have been on/off contact, mainly email/messages I think. She used him as an emotional crutch and for attention. She kept this going covertly throughout the last 7 years when we have been together. I had never heard of this guy until I found a load of messages she had forgotten to delete last year. Wrote a post on this forum when I found out. Everyone said to break up with her. I left the home for about a week. She begged me to come back so we could try and save our relationship. I came back because it was her birthday and I had to go back to work etc. She cut contact with him and we tried to move forward. Not surprisingly, trust has been a big issue since. I am not proud of it but I found myself checking her phone whenever I could. I was so paranoid about her still contacting him. I had NEVER done that at all in the previous 7 years. Its not who I am. But it is what the situation made me. Then when this other girl started giving me attention everything came to a head. We never really 'dealt' with the emotional cheating. The reasons behind it, how we would stop it happening again etc. We just tried to get on with it, as we still loved each other and realised we probably took each other for granted to some degree. I hid the resentment, we both almost buried the whole episode. But it has never gone away. Reading this it all sounds so toxic!! We do love each other still. I don't think love alone is enough in a relationship though.
  7. So I've posted here a few times, don’t want to re-tread old ground but basically 7 year relationship, ran into problems a couple of years ago, amongst other issues (money problems with the new house, living with her parents etc) found she had been emotionally cheating for years with an old flame of hers I didn’t even know existed. That was about a year ago. Then a few months ago and I let a girl I was getting attention from come between us (texted a few times, nothing physical. In fact didn’t even meet her). But on top of everything else it got into my head and I told my GF I wasn’t happy, we talked it out and decided to separate. This was four months ago. We own a house together and neither of us could afford to move out until its sold. We had agreed a sale a couple of months ago but that fell through a few days ago as the buyers pulled out. What's funny is that we have been getting on really well since we decided to separate. So much so that having discussed it at length, we are now on the fence, 50/50 as to whether we should still go through with the split. The house sale falling through has only compounded this. Although we are both struggling to see a way it would work if we stayed together, last couple of years feels like we have been going round in circles. I know that the reasons we decided to separate were valid and I can’t say for sure that they would be resolved if we got back together, which will most likely lead again to a breakdown in the relationship. Looks like we will still be living together for at least a few more months. We are still doing stuff together as a couple and still sleeping together. A bit of a messed up situation all round. Is 50/50 enough to split up when you have been through a lot together? Is 50/50 enough to stay together? Its such a big decision I feel like you should be pretty sure, close to 100% one way or another. I have felt this way for a couple of months now, and she feels the same. Although it’s a bit up and down, some days I am more sure but then it swings the other way. If I had another year to make a decision I probably wouldn’t be able to do so. Just don’t know why I cannot decide. I am normally very pragmatic and rational in all other walks of life, don’t know why I’m not here. Maybe we need some time apart to reflect and properly evaluate the relationship. Its very hard to look at something objectively when for all intents and purposes you are still together. She doesn’t think that selling the house needs to be the final nail in the coffin as it were. The house has been very draining for us financially and we both think if we stayed together it would be a good idea to sell anyway and get somewhere more manageable. She thinks that selling the house allows us to take a step back from the relationship. Possibly date other people. She believes in fate and if its meant to be, we will be back together at some point. I’m not really a believer in fate, I like to think I have a say in my own destiny ha ha. Just feels like we are in limbo at the moment. Neither one thing or the other. It’s a pretty draining and unhealthy place to be. Was wondering if anyone else had gone through a protracted break up. Is it normal to have second thoughts about if you are making the right decision when things just keep rumbling on? Will these thoughts pass? Has anyone got back together to give it another go and if so, how did it turn out? I know it’s a fine line between putting effort in to make a relationship work and getting the feeling that you are flogging a dead horse and you should just call it quits. Thanks for reading.
  8. She was actually more average size/weight when I first met her, which I was fine with. We didn’t get together until about a year later, at which point admittedly she had gotten overweight. Yes I thought I could get her back to how she was when we first met. Maybe that was my mistake. But it was with the best of intentions. She does want to lose weight, and I have done basically everything possible to help her with this aim. 100% agree that she is not neglecting herself, she is not a slob. We both work hard. We enjoy taking the dog for long walks together. She just doesn’t have the same dedication I have to fitness/nutrition. She can put in the effort required, she just can’t sustain it, and anyone who is into their fitness/nutrition knows that consistency is very important. Consequently all the weight she spent so hard shifting just gets put back on. She would be the first to admit that she has trouble with self control, especially with anything chocolate related! I love chocolate also, I just eat it in moderation. I don’t care about her being ‘stick thin’ or a ‘fitness model’ as you suggest. Like I said, I don’t particularly mind if she is a little bit overweight. But I don’t want my partner to be very overweight or obese. Agree 100% with this. Except the part where I know! Maybe that's why I am on this forum. Thanks for everyone's thoughts/insights.
  9. I’m afraid I can’t lay claim to looking like Chris Hemsworth. And I am by no means perfect. I don’t care about a flat stomach and I don’t mind a bit overweight. I just don’t want an obese girlfriend/wife/partner. It isn’t healthy. That’s just my view. Different people find different things attractive, I get that. Different people also have their own ‘line in the sand’ or whatever you want to call it when it comes to a potential partner and how overweight they may or may not be. I realised I was opening a potential can of worms by addressing this topic, but I genuinely do not mean any disrespect to any person. I pretty much expected some of the comments on here, and maybe I deserve them. Maybe I needed to air my thoughts to some normal people to get some perspective and so that they could tell me what a shallow idiot I am being. The thought has crossed my mind many times, believe me. As has the thought that I am potentially throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me over something a lot of people would describe as trivial. Funnily enough whilst reading on other advice forums (happened to be a bodybuilding forum) on guys with similar issues, the responses were quite different, they were more along the lines of “she needs to lose weight or you need to dump her and move on”. I guess different people just have different views depending on their own values, which doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. Just different. Reinventmyself… You make a really interesting point. One I am thinking about at length. Its something my ex and I have discussed also, is this just what a relationship looks like? Is that perfect relationship even out there or is there always, as you say, an issue?
  10. Its not that I’m completely against having children like some people are. I just want the woman I have kids with, marry and spend the rest of my life with to be as near perfect a match with me as possible. We need to be compatible life partners. With her it is so close, as I say we only really diverge on the fitness/weight issue which makes me think that there might be other people out there that are more compatible with me at this stage of my life. Someone with the same outlook and values etc. I would love it if this issue didn’t bother me in the slightest, and I know there are some people out there who will say I should love her no matter what her size. Well I do love her, dearly. We are so good for each other in lots of ways. I wouldn’t say that I don’t find her attractive either, I am still attracted to her physically, and like I say, our sex life is still great. But I would be much more physically attracted to her if she lost the weight and got into shape. Then maybe I would be thinking, everything is perfect, we are so compatible and on the same page, I need to marry this girl right now etc If I didn’t love her this would be a very easy decision and I wouldn’t be here on this forum. I also just can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother me as it will manifest itself in other ways, like getting shingles through stress, or texting other women who show interest etc. If I am with the right person, surely then you just ‘know’ it?? Maybe I am wrong, but everything should just fall into place, and I would want to marry them in a heartbeat?? Maybe relationships and life in general just aren’t that simple. I just don’t know. She said to me recently that she is never going to be able to be the partner I want as she will never be into her fitness etc enough for me and I will never be able to accept that fully and won’t be able to cope with that long term. I have wrestled with this issue in my own head for years. It just keeps coming back. I wish it didn’t, that it didn’t bother me at all but I can’t keep lying to myself. I can’t help how I feel. I realise that we haven’t truly ‘separated’ yet. I know there is a rollercoaster of emotions to come. We both have good days and bad days at the moment. I started off relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I first told her. She was more upset then. Then I felt guilt. There was crying on both sides. Now I think I am more visibly upset about it than her, she seems quite cold this past week. I asked her about this, she said it was just her defence mechanism, like she has to just completely shut off all her feelings to get through this or something like that. Which actually hurts me even more, because although we are still in a dialogue about all this, her attitude is quite dismissive at the moment. We are both quite pragmatic “just get on with it, stiff upper lip” people. She said that she is just trying to ‘prepare’ herself for when we both go our separate ways. Said that when she moves back in with her parents then all the emotion will probably come pouring out. I think the hardest part about deciding to split is when we still get along so well, it would be so much easier if we had had a blazing row and one of us had stormed out. In my experience anger helps you get past loss quicker and easier. There is no anger here. Only sadness.
  11. So where to begin. Was in a 7 year relationship. Things were going fine for the first few years then we hit some problems, she was emotionally cheating on me for years with a guy in another country she had met before we got together (as detailed in a previous thread), she begged me to not leave her, cancelled all his contact info etc and we stayed together (against some good advice I received on this forum) but we never quite regained the trust we had before. We moved into a new house a couple of years ago and have spent a lot of time doing it up but the money ran out so we were living in a half finished house with lots of debt and no money to do anything together like go on holiday etc and this put more pressure on us. I also had a serious injury at work last year which kept me at home for several months which didn’t help. My ex has always wanted children/marriage. I have held off up until now as I am not 100% we were completely compatible, we have changed over the course of our relationship. The main way in that a few years ago, I really got into my fitness/nutrition etc. Me ex has always been several stones overweight. Didn’t really bother me at the start. But over the years and as I got more and more into my fitness and staying in shape, she never really followed suit. I know all this makes me sound very shallow by the way. But I still love her, which is why this is so hard. My ex is someone I could have an open discussion with and said she wanted to lose weight. I have been very supportive, we joined a gym 5 years ago, and we meet there after work, she has been on and off various healthy eating programs (slimming world mainly), we cook healthy meals together, we go on long walks with the dog together. She just wasn’t as disciplined as me in terms of going to the gym religiously and with the nutrition side. Consequently her weight has gone up and down, she will do really well, lose up to a couple of stone, then something will happen, she will be really stressed at work, or go on holiday, and she will binge eat and put the weight all back on. I have remained supportive throughout but this began to really stress me out, until at one stage I made myself ill and I got shingles stressing so much about it. Obviously I wanted her to lose weight because I would find that more attractive. But I also just wanted her to be healthy, to be the best version of herself, to increase her confidence which she has struggled with (she always wears baggy clothes and avoids more ‘feminine’ clothes). If we had a family I would want her to be active and a great role model to the kids etc. I wanted her to lose weight for herself, which is what she said also. My ex’s mother is very obese and my ex has told me numerous times that she was a poor role model in terms of eating habits when she was younger. Unfortunately we have gone round in circles for the last five years, I have come to the realisation that you cannot change someone unless they want to change themselves enough. So that was one of the main reasons I was not always happy in the relationship, although everything else was great, good sex life, we supported each other through some difficult times and our day to day life is very good I would say. A few months ago and we were doing ok, I then started to get attention from another girl and it just felt like the match which lit the fuse, (and I know I shouldn’t have done) we started texting each other, bit flirty etc. She then asks to meet up, and I refuse as I am in a relationship. I break contact with her. I tell my ex that I am not happy, that we keep going round in circles, that I feel trapped, that I resent our house my draining all our money, that she wants marriage/children and I‘m not sure I do (I’m no expert but surely if something feels right you just know?? I mean surely I should have been begging her to marry me and start a family if she was the right one??), and that was mainly down to my belief that we were not as compatible as we maybe once were, mainly due to her weight issues. We agreed to separate, I did some overtime at work and we got the house sorted and done up, new carpets, flooring, landscaped the garden etc. And we then agreed to sell the house. We are still living together while the sale goes through, neither of us can afford to move out. The funny thing is that since then, over the past 10 weeks, we have been getting on really well. I havn’t worried so much about what my ex eats or if she goes the gym etc and everything is much more relaxed. We are also still sleeping together and still having great sex (bad idea I know, but we are all human). We are still doing stuff as a couple together, going out for the day, taking the dog for a walk together etc. In essence, nothing has really changed except we have agreed to separate when the house is sold. Over the last few days, I have started to think that maybe we are making the biggest mistake that we will ever make in separating. I mean I always had doubts, at the start I was like 80% sure that we should split, my ex was like 60% sure. I am probably closer to 60% now. We both agree that we had a great life together and we would be giving up a lot, but that it was probably the right thing to do. Head vs heart. Since the house has been finished, it has gone from somewhere that I utterly resented to somewhere I enjoy being, somewhere we could relax together. Also since we agreed to separate, I have cared a lot less about my ex’s eating habits etc and although she has put on like a stone of weight over the past 10 weeks through stress eating, I have found that just ‘not caring’ as much about it was very liberating and wonder if I could somehow ‘harness’ that mentality, would I be able to bring it back into the relationship if by some miracle we managed to works things out and decided to stay together. We have agreed that we can’t just keep going round in circles and that she wants children (she is 37 in a few months, I am 35) and she can’t keep waiting around for me to decide, and I fully understand and appreciate this. I just don’t know what to do, feels like I can’t trust my emotions at the moment. I just want us both to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. We still love each other but have come to the realisation that maybe that isn’t enough, maybe we have changed too much over the course of the relationship. It just seems like we are giving up a lot when everything is going well again (albeit after we have decided to separate!) I feel guilty. For ending things. For not finding a way to make things work. for allowing some girl I barely know to derail us at a point when the relationship was going well. I feel lonely, its like hitting the reset button, at the age of 35 I have this feeling I won’t ever meet anyone ever again (of course I know this is ridiculous). Thanks for reading.
  12. Thanks for your reply DancingFool. Really helps to get some perspective from someone 'outside' looking in. It may have been a fake number of course, only thing that is a bit strange was that she gave it out without me asking for it? (ie "have my number...."), why would she go to the trouble of doing that if you were going to just break contact and go all silent anyway? Surely you just wouldn't give your number out, no reason to hand it out as I hadn't asked for it? Also after giving me the "number" she tried to video call me that same night, I couldn't take the call at the time though so never spoke to her. Why would someone do that if they had just handed the same guy a fake number?? Doesn't make sense to me. Although I confess I struggle to understand the female mind at times lol. To be fair everything snowballed quite quickly, didn't expect her to just ask me out so soon after we started texting and don't think it would have been appropriate to start mentioning my 'situation' earlier on when we were first texting unless it had naturally came up during conversation. I pretty much agree with everything else you said, it is certainly a messy situation and the timing is far from ideal, admittedly. And looking like a crazy stalker is the last thing I want lol. As I said I haven't pursued it, been over a month now. Also she mentioned as much about being a bit of a mess...Maybe she just needs time (maybe I do too!!). Anyway thanks for your input, appreciate it.
  13. Hi just after some advice, bit of an odd situation. Was in a 7-year relationship which ended a while ago due to various issues (posted about this last year). It was an amicable split, we are still getting on and are still living together until the house is sold as neither of us can afford to move out whilst still paying mortgage etc. We own the house together, not married, no children. Typically, a girl I have always liked got in touch not long after my ex and I agreed to part ways. Hadn’t seen her for about 18 months, or had any contact for around a year, so was a bit out of the blue. Always got on well, great chemistry etc. Think she just assumed I was single, which I guess I technically am but it’s a bit of a weird situation still living with my Ex. We got chatting via text, and was going well, flirty etc. Initially I didn’t tell her about my current situation. After a couple of weeks, she then asks me out on a date, at which point my hand is forced and I tell her that I am still living with my ex although we split up and need to do some work to the house before we can sell it, but that I’d really like to take her out and get to know her better when things settle down a bit. My ex and I had agreed not to start anything with anyone else whilst sorting everything out as it would be too awkward etc. New girl accepts this, and tells me in a drunken text conversation that she has recently also split up with her BF having been cheated on. New girl then of her own accord also gives me her mobile number (without me asking for it). That was a couple of months ago. I have text the new girl a couple of times since, just friendly/flirty stuff, she hasn’t replied. I also tried to call the new girl on her mobile but it said incorrect number (to confuse matters even more!!) That was about a month ago. I haven’t pursued it since then or tried to contact her. So I’m not naïve enough to think that the new girl might not have intentionally given me a fake number, it just seems strange that she would volunteer a fake number without me asking for it? On top of that she was drunk when she was texting me at the time and could have made a mistake typing the number out? In fact she went on a mini rant about being cheated on etc I suppose I was trying to contact her because I didn’t know at the time how long the house would take to sort, and didn’t want her to think I had forgotten about her or lost interest etc. I have held off asking her back out due to the agreement I made with my Ex and the fact we were busy doing the house up and I was still trying to process my split from my Ex in my head, which I have to some degree but won’t know for sure until I move out and get my own place etc. Hard to get closure when you are still living together!! Also I don’t think it would be very healthy to jump straight into something else. The house is now done up and has sold. My Ex and I have talked about dating other people, we sort of said lets wait until we have a definite move date and then go from there. I get the impression my Ex has been in contact with other interested guys, which is a bit weird while we are still living together but I can hardly complain can I lol. Like I said I know its not the best idea to jump straight into something else but the new girl I have always really liked but been unable to be in a position to do anything about it until now. I know there are plenty more fish in the sea etc but this girl is the only girl I currently know who I would consider starting something with. I only used to see her very sporadically at work, would go many months without seeing her etc, but I obviously must have made some kind of impression if she contacted me out of the blue after so long. I got the proper ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling every time I used to see her, which I have not felt for a very long time, don’t think I even got that with my Ex! Not sure where I stand at the moment. Maybe the new girl thinks I was just enjoying the attention without committing to meeting up with her. Or maybe she was embarrassed about her little drunken text rant. Maybe she isn’t sure that my relationship with my Ex has actually ended. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to get hurt again. I just don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to miss my ‘chance’ to take the new girl out. If I delay too long, she might lose interest. Maybe she already has. She could meet someone else, and by the time I am finally ready to start something new, she might have moved on. So bottom line, I want to take the new girl out. I guess I’m asking when people think the best time would be, strike whilst the iron is hot (or luke warm as it is now lol), throw caution to the wind, life’s too short etc……or alternatively just focus on me, get the house sold, move into my own place, properly process my last relationship ending and take as long as I need to get over it etc then when I am properly ready to ask the new girl out, hope she hasn’t moved on?? Thanks for any advice.
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