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Everything posted by AwkwardB

  1. I’m fragile. I’m so fragile that sometimes I hurt myself on purpose. I cut my hands open like they were in a need of a surgery when in reality they’re not. I like the pain the cuts make; I like the way the blood tribbles out of the wounds and runs down my arms; somehow it makes me feel safe again. Hurting myself makes me feel safer and calmer. I’m so fragile that I cry myself to sleep and hope to never wake up again. I cry in the shower and I cry in my room when my parents are in the living room watching TV-shows thinking I’m okay. They should think again because I’m way less than okay, I’m sinking and drowning into my own sadness but they don’t see it. I don’t want them to see it, they would only make it worse. I’m so fragile that I stay awake until it’s light again so I wont dream about that certain someone or about things I can’t never have. I’m so fragile that I smile and laugh as if I was the happiest human on Earth. They don’t know that I hurt myself, cry everytime I’m alone, feel like I want to die. They don’t know and they wont know because I plan to stay fake-smiling and laughing as long as they believe it.
  2. Hey again! It's been three weeks since my last post. Some of you recommended to go all out and not waste time. Well, the very next day I tried to connect with him a little more. I guess on some levels it worked, we talked a little bit more than usual; he slept beside me again but this time we were so close to eachother that our hands touched. He took my pillow away in his sleep and that's why I had to get closer to him. He offered me his joint and when I told him to wait my friend, too, he started to stutter and said that she wouldn't get high with us and I'm so disappointed in myself because I then told him that we should still wait for her when in reality I would have gotten a chance to be with him alone. Stupid me! I had to come home early though. They had a party yesterday and my friend told me that K - my crush - wanted to say hi to me and then she video-chatted me. He took her phone with him and went into another room. He asked: "When are you coming back?" I told him that I don't really know. He told me that it isn't a nice answer because he needed to know when I was coming. We laughed. I told him that I will go in August and then he asked me: "How are you after all? I heard you have problems?" I told him that it's going fine. Then he told me that when I go there again I have to tell him so he would be sober when I come and we could make a party (It may seem like there's a lot of parties all the time but in reality there isn't My question is: What should I do now? I have told him that I like him but I'm sure that he doesn't remember it. Three weeks more and then I will go and visit my home country but until then?
  3. I think you're right. I'll try it tomorrow.
  4. He's the first guy in three years towards who I am feeling something. At the beginning of the summer I still had feelings for a boy who broke me 2 years ago and I still cried over him. When I met K (the guy I have fallen in love with) these feelings remained silent. I feel like because of him I don't cry so much anymore...
  5. I don't know either if he's a relationship material but you can't never know before you try, can you? I don't know what I'm looking for him, I haven't really given it a thought yet.
  6. Hi, guys, it's my first time to write here. Why should I even write on a place like this, you may ask? Well, the answer is simple: I feel completely and utterly lost with my own feelings. I don't know what to do and I was hoping that maybe you could help me. *** I don’t live in the country that I was born in, so I came here for summer holidays to work and be with my friends. There's this old friend from school and I started to hang out with her a lot. She introduced me to her group of friends and now I am one of them. We go out every day and they make me feel like I have always been one of them. Anyways, that's a whole different story... She also introduced me to one of her guyfriends who immediately caught my eye. At the beginning I thought that he is the kind of boy who likes to play around but soon I realized that he isn't one of them. He is totally different. It's been a month and I think I have fallen in love with him. We have been partying together. We have been sleeping in the same bed but we have never done anything else. We hug everytime we meet up. When the party was at his house I went to bed and he came and gave me a plushie to hug when asleep. When he came into this bed with me, he whispered to me many times: "Hey, are you asleep?" He asked me to go and smoke with him, just the two of us. When we were on a balcony with him and his friend he mostly talked to me only. Asked me how I felt about the things he was talking about. His friend only stood by and listened. He whispered to me: "Good night, *insert my name here*!" and I found it completely and utterly adorable. Before I stayed asleep, he told me: "Sleep well." He sits beside me everytime we are together. He gave me his drink and told me to take a sip out of it, just like that. He does all those little things and it makes me feel like I'm falling in love with him even more every single day. It makes me feel as though I was in a deep hole full of love and I can't do anything else but to fall even deeper. He always looks at me and sometimes when I look at him too - I have been told that I look at him way too much - he smiles at me. What should I do? In a month I have to go away. Should I tell him that I like him? Should I make hints? What would be the best way to show him just a little bit that I like him but keep it that way that if he doesn't like me back, it wouldn't be awkward? I know he's the one I want to be with but how can I get to know if he likes me back? I don't want to tell him straight into his face, because otherwise it would be really awkward to be his friend. Can you please help me?
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