Wow. I found this last night, as yesterday was a particularly trying day, and it helps to see everyone's different experiences. I hope everyone is doing well.
I signed up here thinking I wanted to share, but I don't know if I even have the energy to share everything right now. That, and also I feel like it would be selfish of me since it wasn't my blood family member who passed. But I just wanted to get some stuff out, I guess.
I wanted to say that I feel so guilty because it seems like everything I do for my former partner/now best friend? is not the right thing. She lost her 20 year old son in an accident, and I've been by her side since then, as she asked of me as we were driving to the town. I was there through the whole preparation, services, the nights at the hotel, the days running around. When we left, we came back together but since then it's just been...rough, to say the least. And understandably so. I am in no way ignorant that this loss is one that can't even really be compared to anything else. I'm just at a loss as of what to do. Because now we are distant, but I thought that was what she wanted because of how she talked and acted. But then she says she doesn't like the fact that we seem distant, but when we talk, she says I say all the wrong things. Or that it's not what I say, it's just my tone. And that I need to look up how to speak...I just don't know.
We've been in each other's lives for almost 10 years. Her kids literally became like my own (words she said several times, not words I ever presumed to say). I have made life decisions that moved in a direction of us spending the rest of our lives together. We had just moved to another state together with plans to start several businesses. But now...you know what. I guess maybe that's the point. I guess maybe it is selfish of me to think that how life was set up before could continue the same, no matter how much I want it to be. And I guess it's just really, really hard to accept that because I really do love her. Even just as a best friend, I love her so much.
It's kind of word vomit, but I just needed to say something and get it out. Thanks for whoever reads this.
