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LHGirl

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Everything posted by LHGirl

  1. I'm in the big, shiny ring camp, but I'm not her. I've been engaged many times (yes, many lol), and I've always chosen the ring, except once when it was a family heirloom (beautiful, and yes, I returned it to him). My point is, I had involvement in each one, which I really appreciated. So I'd get her involvement, and since you two have children, agree on a budget. Get some ideas from her via some screenshots, shapes, etc., and then you take it from there, within that budget. I've always worked within whatever budget my then-fiancé set and was always a happy customer. Oh, and I love your Paris idea!
  2. It sounds like you both just wanted casual sex. It also sounds like he went to the bathroom to "take care" of himself. He may not have wanted to risk STD's with you. Again, shows at least some decency of character. Just keep swiping right on Tinder, and you'll find your sex somewhere else.
  3. She can only "hoover" you back if you allow her. Keep your communications extremely brief, and to written email communication only. Block her from your phone so she cannot text. If she emails you with some sob story, simply respond with the answer to her question, only. "I'll send payment on the 23rd". Period!!! The fact that you are still allowing her to do this shows that you haven't gotten to the reason you allow it. Without typing my entire other post again, please, find a therapist who is well-versed in this stuff and can help you get to the root of it.....your childhood.....as to why you're allowing it.
  4. He knows this. He knows you would've done it. You were trying to touch him "there", and he stopped it. Shows he has some character. You left him nothing to work towards. No challenge. Just, invite her over, get her into bed, and......she's just like a zillion other girls out there who'll have sex with me on the first meet. Next. Nothing to be confused about here.
  5. So, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'll be a little blunt here: making sushi at his house and going into his bedroom to "watch a film" was all code for him wanting sex. That's 3rd date or later kind of stuff. First time meeting? Always a public place, always a coffee, a glass of wine, maybe some appetizers. Maybe dinner if it feels right. But never, never, never go into someone's home that you haven't already met. I know, you probably googled the heck out of him, you felt safe, yada yada. It's still not a good idea. Let's say he's the safest guy in the world.....you still left very little for him to work towards, and you didn't give him the one thing he really wanted. If you want to text him, go ahead. But be prepared for more of this: he invites you over for a glass of wine so he can "teach" you a cooking skill, you end up in the bedroom, and sooner or later, you're either going to give inn and have sex, or he's just going to stop responding to the texts. Sorry to be so blunt. I know this is hurtful. Ask me how I know.
  6. Contact a suicide hotline and explain the situation. If they feel it a necessity, they will work with the proper authorities for his protection. Any suicide threat should be taken very seriously, and you will have done the right thing. And oh yeah, block him right now.
  7. The only way to heal from this is to figure out the root cause of why you've accepted all of this: the blocking, unblocking, hoovering, lovebombing..... No, it's not possible to diagnose someone via the internet, but you've uncovered some completely unacceptable, disgracious behavior that others would have walked away from the first time it happened. Yet you came back, time after time, because each time, he made it seem like things would be so wonderful, now. Until it happened again, and again, and again. I'm not bashing you. I've been you. I have pages of a thread here about my own story. Block, unblock, devalue, love me so much, flowers, I'm so wonderful, block again. Garbage, really. So I'm not picking on you, I promise. Here's the golden key in healing: Work with a therapist to get to the root cause of the why. Not the "why" of his actions, but of yours. Why are you allowing this? It's likely due to something from childhood, a parent perhaps, who withheld affection, or gave affection and took it away, repeatedly. Somehow you may have felt unworthy, unlovable, or on eggshells. Work out that part, and you'll heal, and you'll realize what garbage this is, and you'll never look back.
  8. OP, I think this is great insight from smJackson, given that she has been diagnosed with BPD herself. It is highly rare for a person who has been actually diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder to have the insight to not only admit it, but to openly talk about it, and from such a place of understanding. smJackson isn't the focus of this thread, but I want to point out how much this post resonated with me, as I hope it will with you, OP. She is giving you great insight as to the mind of your ex, and the "jump through hoops" games that they play. As I had said earlier, think back into your childhood, as to who exhibited these characteristics, which will lead you to your why. Understanding this is the key that will unlock the why, which will help move you to your next place, which is recognizing the signs so that you can stay where you are, instead of becoming wrapped up in another web of this, with someone else. With smJackson saying she has a lot of narcissistic exes, I completely relate. It wasn't until I got some good therapy and understanding that I realized just why I was so attracted to narcs/BPD's, and what was keeping me stuck there. There is so much info out there on the internet, plus so many great therapists, that can help you with this, and you feel this sense of peace.....this balloon floating away, when you finally find the key that opens up your understanding. Yes, the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot, as does "BPD", but there is so much new understanding with these disorders, as Cluster B stuff is being rewritten, as we speak. It's the understanding, figuring out your "why", that will move you to a new, sane place.
  9. People match with their exes all the time on Tinder and all other "matching" type sites, which is basically......all of them. It's basically just age, location, gender, and.....voila.....a match. I joked that on one site, there was no one left to whom I hadn't already been married, lol. Just unmatch from him and move on. Yes, he's keeping you as an option. You're better than an option.
  10. Here's the thing about diagnosing her disorder, and how it's relevant for you, and what you should be discovering in therapy: Who in your life (parent, etc.) does this remind you of? Is there anyone else in your life for whom you have walked on eggshells, or been impossible to please? The thing about trying to figure out the disorder of the person you're with is that very often, we stay with them to try and fix what was broken from childhood. So if you don't get to the root of that childhood issue, you'll just find another "eggshell" woman, and you'll go through this for the rest of your life. I am actually in the camp of yes, it IS important to figure out what was broken in them, but only when we can then use that road to lead us to what's broken in us. Does that make sense? So, getting a diagnosis, for her, of BPD, is useful only when we can say, oh wait.....my (dad, mom, uncle, aunt, teacher, etc.) had similar characteristics, and I always felt (useless, helpless, hopeless), which made me feel, as an adult (impossible to please someone, too eager to please, always afraid of that person), which will lead me to (recognizing those characteristics sooner in my next partner, not accepting someone's cr*p, etc.). A great therapist can, and should, guide you through this. Otherwise, you're just spinning wheels, trying to figure her out, when it should come back to, figuring yourself out. This isn't just "why on earth did you stay this long??? What's wrong with you!!!???". That's an easy statement to make, but it's such a more complicated process, and I do hope your therapist helps you through this.
  11. People like this are....like this. No amount of talking to her is going to make a difference. She needs an outlet to whom she can gloat, and you provide her with that ear, so you fulfill her need. I have a “friend” exactly like this. Exactly. I’ve had to back way, way off on our friendship, so now I only see her in group settings, very infrequently, and I edit what I tell her. She has now moved to the periphery of my life, rather than being a major presence, so I’m not affected by it anymore. And yes, she does have all the money/men/looks that she claims to have, but she uses it to elevate herself. She’s lost other friendships over this, and she just moves on to find new outlets, new people for whom she can brag. So, I completely understand your frustration here, and I’m sorry to say that there is no easy solution. Join meetup groups, explore new interests, find new friends. Move this one to the outskirts of your life, and you’ll be happier.
  12. I understand your feelings here. I'd tell her that you aren't fond of this, and that you hope she respects your wishes to stop wearing it. Additionally, I'd offer her this option: let's sell it, and use the money towards another ring that I'll help with so that that ring comes from me. Not another wedding band, but a nice ring that she can wear on that finger.
  13. Texas is a community property state. All assets acquired during the marriage are equally split. You should/could also expect to get a 50% custody agreement. Texas is a no-alimony state, so no, you would not be entitled to spousal support, or alimony. Which is why it's really important for you to have a job if/when this dissolves.
  14. Just because you're related by blood to someone does not obligate you to feel anything. If he didn't step up in the last 26 years, of course you'd feel nothing for him. There's no shame in this. As for your half-sister, you can express your sympathies to her. Not that I think you would do this, but keep your own feelings about him private. If others have sad feelings about his passing, let them grieve.
  15. This makes sense. It's natural that you don't want to see your wife being hurt by her own sister. Remember, they have a lifetime of sibling rivalry to contend with. Two children from the exact same parents can have very different experiences, very different personalities, very different lives. So my advice to you is to just be there to listen to your wife, be a shoulder for her to cry on, but other than that, stay as out of it as you can. In my family situation, we've all learned to tiptoe around the difficult person; we've all instinctively "gray rocked" her. So over the years, no one is close to her, except the one family member to whom she is married, and even then......In any event, I feel sorry for her, as she's isolated herself with all her hysterics. In time, I think if you can do this, you'll be able to pull back and see the forest for the trees, and you can watch this SIL from afar. I have a hunch she'll go down much the same path as my family member, as this type of behavior isolates.
  16. I have a family member like this, so I completely understand your situation. The only thing you can do is to adopt a "Gray Rock" mentality about it. Google it....it's how therapists often suggest one deals with difficult, or drama-creating people with whom they have to maintain some sort of contact. Basically, "gray rock" means that you treat every conversation or situation surrounding your SIL with the excitement of a gray rock.....blaaaah. In other words, she starts some dramatics about something, and you shrug and say, "I'm really enjoying this weather". "These potatoes are delicious". This way, you give her zero ammunition with which to continue her dramatics. People who crave drama like her only do it because they are "allowed" to by the people they do it to. Your wife's parents enable her, not only financially, but emotionally as well, so she is "allowed" a space in which to play drama queen. Your wife does too, by accepting these texts from her about her love life, or whatever she decides to dump on your wife. That's your wife's prerogative, and since this bothers you, the only action for you is to simply ask your wife not to share these texts with you, nor any other information about her other than basic, boring, "gray" stuff. My life surrounding my own family member is so much better because of this. I used to drive myself crazy over her hysterics, and then I realized....it makes me upset, and she gets what she wants: to drive someone else crazy. But by simply keeping conversations only to a conversational sort of professionalism, she doesn't "do" her dramatics with me anymore, as I simply don't participate. You'll have to figure out why you allow this drama in your life. Think of all the other things you don't allow into your life, and why do you allow this to consume so much brain space? I'm not beating you up; I promise you. In my situation, this person has been part of our family for decades, and I used to expend so much energy talking about her, to anyone who would listen. These days, I can go weeks without even thinking of her. You'll have to figure out, for you, why you're allowing this to take up brain space. An easy way to think of this is to treat your SIL as a professional, business acquaintance. Someone you don't know very well. How would you converse with them? Simple pleasantries, and then move on to the appetizers.
  17. Sounds like you have more than "friendship" feelings for this girl......am I right?
  18. First of all, you did the exact right thing, the entire way through. You met a guy you thought you'd like from an app, in public places, for both dates. When you went for the walk, that was cool. When he tried to get you to go into the "hotel", you did the exact right thing by going outside and getting to a more populated area. I cannot think of one thing, in all of that situation, that you could have done better. It seems, from your story, that you went outside with him for a walk, and that you exited that "hotel" as quickly as you entered. It also seems that you were hoping to go to a wine bar or similar, which would have been fine. So I don't see that you did anything wrong by going with him to a second place. You could have told him you wanted to remain a virgin until marriage; it did not matter what you said to him, or what your conversations about future goals and dreams were. His motive was to take you to the "hotel". So don't worry about what he was thinking, as we all know, it was one thing. Is he a predator? We don't know. All we do know is, had you gone in with him, he could have said you were complicit and willing. And it doesn't appear that he spiked your drink, as you willingly walked in. There are probably cameras everywhere that he could use later to prove this. You could say in court that you had no idea, but a good attorney would have pictures of the outside of the place, showing how clearly marked the hourly rates are, and that you willingly entered. Fact is, you turned around, and you got out, so good for you. You are both moving on from this, and that's all you should do for now. He didn't force anything on you, he didn't put anything in your drink, and he texted and said "see ya later". So I'm not sure if this qualifies as a predator. What this does qualify for is, the unfortunate lesson that we need to be on guard all the time, which it appears you were. I'm sorry this happened.
  19. You said you told your girlfriend about your "pen pal". Did you tell her that you dated her, kissed her, etc.? Or did that conveniently get omitted? Why would she be jealous, if this girl was really just a friend? And why put the onus on her, re: jealousy, rather than yourself, re: inappropriate contact. Agree with the others. This is inappropriate, and you know it. You tell your girlfriend the truth about who this is. That you kissed, you dated, and that you've never told this "penpal" about your girlfriend. Then come back and tell us how it is.
  20. Why are you asking? Just curious your motivation for the question.
  21. Bingo. A need to be needed + loneliness = hanging onto one of the only people who feels comfortable. So, you give her your Netflix password and pay her taxes, because those are needs that she has, so it fulfills your need to be needed. She needs you to keep doing all these things for you. And you have such an intense fear of loneliness (I get it, it's a human fear) that you allow it. I'm so sorry, but I do think it's time to change your password and keep your own money. Tell you what.....it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ask her to see a horror movie playing nearby, and see what she says. Tell her what the ticket price is, and see if she hems and haws about not having enough money to buy a ticket. If she does, say nothing. Do not buy her a ticket. If you go, and she "suddenly" has left her wallet at home, say that it's been a really nice time, but that you'll both have to skip the movie as you only brought enough money for your own ticket. And then......you'll know.
  22. This isn't about horror movies or the fact that you both have autistic children. I feel we're getting lost in the details here. This is about the fact that you give 90%, she gives nothing. So, you really end up giving 100%. This is about fear. Fear that if you remove her from your life, your social circle will shrink to almost nothing. Know what? It just might. You have to decide which is worse: a friend who constantly uses you, or no friend at all. We advise this to people who come here in unbalanced relationships all the time, when they have a fear of being single: Leave him/her, and be alone, or stay, and be used.
  23. One question: What do you get out of this "friendship"? She gets netflix, a job, you paying her taxes (did I read that right???), a shoulder..... But dear Seraphim.....what do YOU get?
  24. I read an interesting story about how there's not an equivalent word to "guy" for females. "Girl" can sound young, as would the word "boy". So, for males, there's "guy", which can really refer to any age over puberty. But the word "gal", its counterpart, is outdated. The word "woman" sounds old. The word "lady" sounds too.....prissy. So, we use the word "girl", to refer to women as we would a "guy". Interesting discussion. I don't care what word people use.
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