LaHermes

8 hours ago, JimStewart said:

my feelings were real so its just a matter of time to heal and move on. Time for my heart to come back in line with my brain.

Of course, Jim. And realisation is very painful too.  There are all kinds out there.  Prudence and caution are the key. Very best of luck going forward. 

11 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sadly this is yet another case (we see more and more of this almost on a daily basis) where people are in a dysfunctional relationship where the writing has been on the wall for years and yet the OP continues to choose to stay. They ask for help/advice for years, get huge responses with very helpful and constructive advice, yet will find every excuse in the book as to why they won't or can't leave. It all boils down to 'can't means don't want to'. And then in the same breath keep saying "I don't know what to do". 

You are so right, Capri.  At times it is puzzling to those of us who can see so clearly.  For sure "the source of the pain is definitely not the cure for the pain". Yet the enmeshed and abused person refuses to see that.

It can be disheartening to see so many posters give excellent advice (and time) and yet the person seeking the advice will not engage. 

18 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

I am of the school of thought that many people don’t need up with whom they thought.  Most relationships don’t end up permanent, as I sorely discovered, so I choose to live in the moment.  If they person makes me happy, albeit nervous, I am good.  I try not to analyze what may happen in the future.

Many people do not end up with the right person for the simple reason that they did not look too deeply, or did not WISH to look too deeply at what they were getting into. A "thinking" person will make the right choice.

Your relationships did not end up "permanent". How do you know that most relationships do not end up "permanent".

No one can read the future.  The future isn't here yet! But you would do well to analyze and look more deeply into the present, YOUR present. You will be aware that our present configures our future.

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$. Sure finish my course, then take another, then come back and keep fixing yourself when the real problem is your abusive relationship.

You asked for advice Nat, and that is what you are getting. Please, leave now. 

What Kwothe says is the pure truth.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its an abuser cycle. He wont leave you, he is enjoying his emotional abuse of you. If you would leave he would probably beg you to come back and tell you what you want to hear. Only to do it again. From what I see he has done it before.

So straight question. When are you leaving?  Please do not waste any more years of your life. 

I would suggest you find a good qualified psychologist privately.  The NHS cannot provide the ongoing and frequent sessions you need. They have huge waiting lists as you and I well know.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've sunk 3 years into this and money into a house.  So you're determined to fix and change him into someone who does and says all the right things all the time every time.

Such a pity you have wasted three years, OP. 

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think it's clear why you are still single, at least. 

Very astute MissC. L. 

5 hours ago, natalie123 said:

I don't think I can carry on much longer.

Then don't OP. I take it this is the same individual you spoke of here in 2018?

And this is the sort of tripe he is throwing at you.  There should not be any question in your mind OP. Just get rid of him. You deserve better. 

4 hours ago, natalie123 said:

He thinks that by me saying that I think he should be more physically and mentally attracted to me over anyone else is a 'fairy tale' and it's 'not realistic' ..

He's a liar and from what you say a very unpleasant individual. 

13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe it's time to really focus on what this toxic/dysfunctional environment is doing to your child.  He seems to be an after-thought in all of this.  How about making your son your main focus right now and  doing what is right for your child. ??

I fully agree with you Capri, and the rest of your post is spot on!

OP. It is vital that you get this individual out of your home, now. Please have your brothers come and stay a few days/nights, and get them to crowd him out. Otherwise he will NOT go.   He is cunning enough to know that you will weaken. You alone do not seem to have what it takes to put him out the door. There is no need for any conversation, written plans or any other dilatory tactics. 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

don't think there's anything to "work out".  Except the exact day he's moving out.

I totally agree Bolt.  Mical. This individual is living off her, is a freeloader, occupying her property.  He doesn't care for her, never did and never will. He's got a real sweet deal, living off a woman!

You are not the YMCA OP, and less so an NGO. 

49 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

storming out of the room, sleeping on the couch, and not saying anything else to me when I try to talk to him is definitely throwing a tantrum in my eyes.

That is abuse OP. However you look at it. 

Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

I never in a million years thought that I would be in this predicament.

Glad the realisation is dawning on you Mona.  You are probably not the first or the last to find herself in such a distasteful situation. And it is a painful lesson not to let anyone ever again into your space.  You will have much to think about when he is gone,and lots of work to do in order to get back to yourself, and get yourself back!

1 minute ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I have brothers that wouldn’t hesitate to assist. But I truly don’t want to get them involved. It wouldn’t probably get pretty messy

Well, get them involved and soon.  No need for it to get "messy".  Get your brothers around there, get them to stay a few nights,and their presence alone and the expression on their faces should steer him towards that door.

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You don't know who you are anymore- . That's why you need friends. He sleeps on the couch same day of breaking up. A friend stays with you same day until he leaves and insures you don't go back on your decision. How about that?

Totally agree Choco. Like the vampire he is he has taken away your personality OP. Your strength. 

6 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I just feel like anytime I try to end things he’ll just bring up everything I did and tell me that it’s my fault that things are bad so why try to end it

There you go again, ML! Stop talking about "trying" and just do it.  Do not engage with him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him. Get him out the door. What could be simpler. And get help doing it. 

He doesn't love you OP. Get that idea out of your head.  He is using you, big time. 

Do NOT, repeat not, give him a month's notice. You need him out now, as otherwise he will weasel his way to guilting you again. 

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have to find your own backbone. 

Exactly. 

And this is more than just a "problem" OP. This is a serious matter. You have an individual living on your property and my reading is that basically you are scared to actually put him out the door. Have you no family, relatives, friends to come around and support you in this eviction endeavour?

This is not a real man. He is pathetic.  

5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

So I feel bad for trying to leave because he always makes it seem like it’s my fault that things are the way they are so why am I trying to end things??

Here we go again!  Is there some way on this earth, OP, that I can stop you from saying this over and over. L.

He is manipulating you because he has a sweet deal, living off a woman!  He really has done a number on you. 

Will you please, please, get help and get him out.  No discussion. 

I would advise against any conversation with him OP, because he will box you yet again into a corner. This will have to be done rough and ready.

SS says:

"He can't be that stupid.. or just avoiding/denying?"

Of course he isn't stupid. He's clever like a rat. Good accommodation, kept by a woman, comfort, why would he leave and go out into the harsh world where he might have to work and pay for his own upkeep. 

4 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

he does help around the house with things. Household items, food, he makes sure my car has gas in it, etc

I am beginning to worry about you, OP! Will you PLEASE stop making excuses for him.  And please stop arguing with yourself inside your head!  What you've got there is a "kept man". Where is the dignity? 

I want to hear you say that you are taking measures NOW to get him off your property.  You do realise that you cannot go on like this.  

So you need help getting rid of him. Well, go and get that help if he hasn't got the dignity to leave when asked. You are going to have to get help to put him out, you do realise that don't you.  

5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

And nothing’s changed! It’s the same exact way right now. 

So WHY are you still allowing this parasite to live on your property?

Now a straight question. When are you going to put him out the door?  Be careful too. Get help with this "eviction". 

And remember, no conversation, none. Just do it.  Don't even ask him where he is going or where he is going to sleep or anything else. 

I honestly do not understand you,OP. You said this a few months ago. Do you realise at all how crazy that sounds to an outsider? If he had any dignity whatsoever, any basic sense of decency, he would have gone himself long ago.  Why on earth would you be drawn to this type of individual. 

"But it would have been a homeless shelter or living in his car. I’m a single parent with a three bedroom apartment. My son is gone every other week, so I had the space and he knew it. And I would have felt really bad if I didn’t allow him to at least stay for a month. I know this might be a form of manipulation"

And as someone asked you before. How could you love a parasite? 

He is an adult man. What is there to be guilty about?  And where is YOUR self-respect, OP?  He'll manage, never fear, by hustling and very likely finding some other woman needy enough to want to keep him. 

5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

And I just give in, I guess. Sadly.

Why are you so scared of him ML?. You let him in "for a month" and he is still there, on YOUR property. 

There is no "trying to end things" here. Just do it!  Get him out.  And get help doing so if necessary, if he refuses to go. Do not enter into conversation with him, where he can manipulate you and play mind games.

Get help and get rid of him now.   You are keeping a freeloader, and the serious question here is why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you doing this to yourself?

He will HAVE to accept it, ML.  Whether he likes it or not. The property is yours!

Remember this (only a few months ago!):

"but I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job! So that makes me even more bitter about him being here. I planned to let him stay here rent free for a couple of months so that he could save. But here we are several months later and he hasn’t even offered to pay the WiFi bill at the very least, which is $60 a month. I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out..."

Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

but I’ve had more wrongs that he has in this relationship so I know that plays a key role in why I’ve stayed.

That makes absolutely no sense, ML, and you know it. 

17 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I wanted to think about all the variables before giving him an answer.

I cannot even imagine why you would have anything to think over.  

Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

I’m honestly tired of it.

So, ML, why stay? 

Don't waste any more days of your life. Life is short, far too short. 

1 hour ago, bajolas said:

What can one say in this situation to avoid into too much detail?

As little as possible is the answer. 

And what makes you think you won't find someone?  Being alone is good, and you need that alone time to get yourself together.

I agree with Cher's remark here:

58 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Your self confidence will grow over time.  The stronger and tougher you grow, the more you can afford to become very picky and choosy.

You are STILL with this individual you posted about in June! You were given good advice then on that particular issue.

7 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

we argue and fight over the smallest things sometimes and it happens pretty often.

There is no basis here for any kind of a relationship.  WHY would you even consider spending the rest of your life with someone like this?

On 9/13/2021 at 8:58 PM, abitbroken said:

The problem now is that people jump on every fashion choice or interest and say "oh that means you are really a boy!"

Sigh! That is unfortunately so true, Abit.