LaHermes

An important article. No wonder so many women seek out and are further damaged by abusive and dysfunctional relationships. About shame. "In the court of public opinion, when the mother-daughter relationship is damaged beyond repair, it’s always the daughter who’s on trial. The cultural myths about motherhood—that all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual not learned, and that all mothers love their children unconditionally—both shape and inform people’s responses to the daughter who either cuts her mother out of her life entirely or maintains so little contact that her position is clear to both intimates and strangers alike. The culture sides with the parent—a view bolstered by the authority of a Biblical Commandment—regardless of the circumstances. Most tellingly, when a parent cuts a child off, there’s a sympathetic murmur, an acknowledgement that parenting is hard and that adult children can be difficult" "Cultural disapproval often impedes a daughter’s road to both recovery and reclaiming her life by creating another kind of inner conflict, as one daughter wrote: “How do I explain exactly how toxic my mother’s behavior is without sounding whiny and ungrateful? Every time I broach the subject, even with close friends, I see nothing but disapproval. But is filial duty supposed to be painful? Am I supposed to see her when she’s actively out to get me?”" From an article by Peg Streep, titled Unloved Daughters and the Culture of Shame Taking a close look at the elephant hidden in plain sight.

Clichés. and general stupidity

"I do think that with any kind of infidelity, on some level - unless you're dealing with a sociopath - there's always a reason". Jessica Capshaw "In my experience, I think there's must ado about fidelity and infidelity. I think sometimes true emotional relationships can go beyond those". Karan Johar "Infidelity has always existed, but I feel like it was brushed under the carpet, behind the scenes. Now everyone is at it - and they've stopped pretending they're not." Karan Johar

Something to ponder: An article: Only a minority of British people think infidelity should put a strain on a relationship - while disputes over the dishes rival sex among threats to domestic harmony Anxieties about paying bills and tensions over long working hours outrank adultery on the list of possible threats to stable family life, according to new figures published as part of the UK’s official happiness index. More here: / "In contrast, it has to be said that adulterous sex is often a consequence of marriage troubles, rather than the cause of them. In other words, many men and women who are in unhappy marital relationships respond by deciding to go to bed with someone else, who they find more understanding or pleasant or attractive than their current spouse." "There are various reasons for the probable increase in adultery in recent decades. The availability of almost 100 per cent effective contraception has made it less risky for people to 'have a fling'. The man who has had a vasectomy, or the woman who has been sterilised, may well feel that it's fairly safe to 'play the field'. Without doubt, the Pill gave many women the chance to try a little dalliance. Society is more tolerant of sexual behaviour, than it was. People travel much more in their work, and it's common for someone to decide that a trip to Paris or New York provides the justification for a night of passion. Wives are much more likely to have high-powered jobs that enable them to travel around or involves going out for drinks or dinner with business contacts."

The Mask of Sanity: An Attempt to Clarify Some Issues About the So Called Psychopathic Personality by Dr. Hervey M. Cleckley Dr. Hervey Milton Cleckley (1903 - January 28, 1984) was an American psychiatrist and pioneer in the field of psychopathy. His book, The Mask of Sanity, originally published in 1941, provided the most influential clinical description of psychopathy in the 20th Century. The term "mask of sanity" derived from Cleckley's observations that, unlike people with major mental disorders, a "psychopath" can appear to be normal and even engaging, while typically not suffering overtly from hallucinations or delusions. However, the "mask" covered a concealed psychosis. "Cleckley doesn't deal in his book with hardened criminals or serial killers, but rather the kinds of psychopaths that wandered into his practice. For this reason, there are no heinous crimes to distract or any anger to make us turn away, but rather we can observe with a more detached curiosity and learn a lot about the nature of psychopaths." "Hervey Checkley's gives a great understanding of how these people function and also how come even professional people can be taken in by them. Like the book says they carry a mask of sanity and only careful observation over time gives the clues that something is amiss."

Recently saw this (probably for the third time). Excellent, made back in 1981. "Das Boot" (the Boat). and - similar environment Ghostboat (made 2006) The HMS Scorpion........

"And don’t forget that thoughts are not facts – even those that say they are. As you develop perspective on your thoughts and emotions, including repetitive undermining thoughts and feelings, can you let go of being so caught up in them? Vidyamala Burch & Danny Penman, Mindfulness for Health"

Book: Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema Review: "Practically everyone agonizes over decisions or situations from time to time, but overthinkers carry analysis and introspection to unhealthy extremes, "getting caught in torrents of negative thoughts and emotions,"according to this book. Even minor events can trigger a chain of second-guessing in which negative emotions are "amplified instead of managed." Kneading damaging thoughts like dough, overthinkers fall victim to a "yeast effect" that causes negativity to grow and take control of their lives, distort their perspectives and damage relationships, careers and emotional (and perhaps physical) health. Nolen-Hoeksema, a University of Michigan psychology professor and author of five professional books, explores why people overthink, contends and explains why too much thinking is predominantly a woman’s disease and prescribes a three-step program to overcome overthinking."

The Wild Bunch. After many years saw it again a day or so ago.

A book: "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman "Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling" The Four Horsemen. Review: "Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty", he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply". Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --"

Dance the Night Away Raul Malo. That man can SING.

Enigma. Take me back to the rivers of belief. All their tracks are so good.

Let there never be "walls".

"There are none so blind as those who will not see" John Heywood. The most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know.

So much desperation....... A good article here: http://www.psychalive.org/toxic-relationship/ "A toxic relationship is often characterized by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between a couple. These patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection. However, one common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another. This is apparent with a couple who have entered into a “Fantasy Bond,” a term developed by psychologist and author Dr. Robert Firestone to describe an illusion of connection created between two people that helps alleviate their individual fears by forging a false sense of connection. A fantasy bond is toxic to a relationship because it replaces real feelings of love and support with a desire to fuse identities and operate as a unit. As the couple relates as a “we” instead of a “you” and “me,” their relationship becomes more about form (based on appearances and roles) than substance (based on genuine feeling and authenticity" "There are specific behaviors that have a toxic effect on relationships: Being selfish or demanding, behaving as if you have power over your partner. Acting out the role of parent or child, by showing submission or dominance. Using emotional coercion or manipulation to get what you want. Denying your own or your partner’s separateness or individuality, instead seeking a merged identity. Confusing real love with desperation or emotional hunger. Refusing to act in kind ways with actions your partner would perceive as loving."

The Rum Diary (again)

"Girl with the Faraway Eyes" sung by Mick Jagger

Yes. J. Fahrenheit 451 and Something Wicked This Way Comes. Besides he writes uncommonly well...... and "It's a Good Life" is a short story by American writer Jerome Bixby (Science Fiction Writers of America selected it for The Science Fiction Hall of Fame, Volume One, as one of the 20 best short stories in science fiction) It was dramatised for T.V. A disquieting story you can't get out of your mind, heh heh.

"Prisoners". Switched on last night to see the news and saw that this film had started, and I was drawn in. Yeh. Read some S. King when I was a kid. But for the real deal read Ray Bradbury.

Given that this porn topic so often comes up on many threads in ENA I thought I'd mention this book: David J. Ley, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of a book: Insatiable Wives, Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them.Dr. Ley wrote Insatiable Wives following two years of interviews with couples around the country. His new book: Ethical Porn for D**k s, A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure came out in Summer/Fall 2016 (I love that title lol!) "Our media is filled with confusing, polarizing messages about the dangers of porn, while at the same time sexually explicit images are pronounced in advertising and entertainment. Using a natural question/answer format for people feeling fear and shame about porn use, this accessible, funny, and well-informed book is the first one to offer men a nonjudgmental way to discover how to view and use pornography responsibly. David J. Ley, PhD, is an internationally recognized expert on issues related to sexuality and mental health. " And in an article "Women Watching Porn? Not in My Town!" he remarks: "And after all, women don't really like porn! Do they? In fact, studies by Meredith Chivers show that women react as strongly to porn as men do. In some cases, it seems that women actually react more strongly to porn than do men, as women respond with physiological arousal to visual depictions of almost any sexual activity, whereas men seem to be much more rigid and limited in what they respond to. But, whereas men respond with both physical and psychological arousal, women more frequently show physical arousal, at the same time they deny being turned on. So, women react to porn, they may just be unwilling or unable to acknowledge it - after all, they are taught from childhood that "good girls don't do that!"

Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery by Zari L. Ballard "an intuitive workbook designed to help you distance yourself from the spinning mindset that prevents a narcissist's victim from ever getting to a place where feeling better - let alone feeling normal - seems even remotely possible. A person who has never experienced this type of relationship first-hand will simply never understand! " and: From Charm to Harm by Gregory Zafutto "You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a hideous manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken, and disabled. What did you do wrong, why did this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON?"

"La Vie en Rose" sung by Grace Jones.

Not a book, but a great article: The 6 Talks a Couple Needs to Have Before Marriage Tackling the hard stuff ahead of time may save your marriage in the end Ironically, before romantic love became the basis for marriage—a game-changer that historian Stephanie Coontz dates to the 1700s—marriage was based on talk because it was a contractual binding of individuals, property, and families. (And marriage is still a contract, as anyone who has ever gone through a divorce knows.) "You and your partner should know about these, be vigilant should they appear, and be prepared to fix them: Criticism, or attacking someone on the basis of their personality or character, rather than a specific behavior; contempt, or consciously intending to abuse or insult your partner; defensiveness, which can include refusal to take responsibility, withdrawal, or talking over the person or repeating yourself; and stonewalling, which is a component of demand/withdraw." "Marriage is a partnership that can take many different forms depending on the emotional needs of the people in it. The important thing is to articulate and define how you and your soon-to-be spouse see your marriage: Will it be drawn along traditional lines, with one partner focused on finances and the other on running the household, even if you’re both working? Or are you looking for a more egalitarian relationship? How will you balance your or your partner’s need for autonomy while maintaining intimacy? Some people marry and make few shifts from their former single lives—they still socialize with their own friends and keep their money separate from their spouses—and are content to live on parallel tracks that sometimes connect. Other people want to function as a couple by melding interests, friends, and assets into a single, shared pool. Being clear about your own needs"

Thank you Rainy!

Yes, Días. Excellent acting.