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Everything posted by figureitout23

  1. I think the fact that so many responders have been gaslit ‘many’ times shows how much of a buzzword it’s truly become. Often times a person likes to jump on the label when someone their dating doing view things the way they do, that’s not gaslighting it’s simply a difference in perspectives. Anyone who has truly been gaslit ‘many times’ needs a definite dating break because it’s a serious abusive thing and if it keeps happening well... Perceived victimhood does not alleviate on of personal responsibility. Actual victimhood doesn’t either, if I walk up to you and punch you in the gut and say, well I was abused as a child, does that somehow make it ok? Of course not! It’s the same concept here, you want to lay down the icky feelings left from this guy by labeling him negatively as if that somehow fixes everything... it doesn’t people who act in such a manner just go through a slew of failed relationships never taking ownership for themselves, chipping away at themselves. He is going to be who he is, you are responsible for you. Him losing interest is no ones fault, it naturally happens, everyday, learn to be able to cope with basic rejection without having to create elaborate scenarios to soothe yourself. If every guy you date is crazy does that say more about you or them? See what I mean?
  2. I was thinking the same thing pippy! Seems to be a control tug of war. And honestly any mother who thinks it’s ok to take a child leaving the parent no ability to reach them is down right insane. You may have shared bodily fluids but you haven’t even known this woman for a full year! You absolutely CAN contact her to cancel and you know it. Get your kids phone, call her, tell her this is ridiculous, the kids can FaceTime and text, once time has passed and were both better maybe they can have play dates but it’s down right ridiculous to do this and I won’t. I’m sorry and good bye, hang up walk away.
  3. ‘Still learning things I should have learned in my teens’ Like birth control? Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but you claim arrested development while you had a live in boyfriend who knocked you up even though apparently the both of you barely took care of yourselves. Those are adult choices, grandmas control must not have been that dang strong. You chose her over your boyfriend because she had the money. Let’s not tip toe around that fact. You made choices. Your grandmother is going to be who she is, that doesn’t excuse you from being who you’ve been. If you don’t recognize that, you will forever be in this cycle where you view yourself as a helpless victim. YOU have to choose to cut ties.
  4. What do they perceive is your disability? ETA - do you mean disability for your child? If so while I’m sure they are trying to help you’re right, it’s not actual income to live off of. It’s to help with raising him. I had an abusive parent too. I slept in my car rather than went back. I refused to go back, people do get it, childhood scars have a ripple affect. But the reality is you accepted her help then resented her. Justified or not, I’m not saying you aren’t but she did help you, she is currently helping you. You are 28, you are capable of caring for yourself. Capable of walking away from toxicity, it’s actually not that hard. You’re dramatizing it way more than necessary, simply walk away, you have to be independent first. You aren’t an angsty 14 year old, you’re a grown woman with a child. Make a plan, execute it. I wish you luck. One day at a time, it will be hard but worth it.
  5. A lot actually, I guess mainly why you view yourself as Ted Mosby? It sounds more like you’re simply a guy who takes his baggage from relationship to relationship while telling yourself it’s ok because you’re a hopeless romantic . The self deprecation thing rings very false. You’re fully capable of succeeding, you’re standing in your own way it kinda seems. Very complicated and messy indeed, and yet dating is your focus? Cause you’re lonely? How cruel to do that to a potential partner, this is what I mean by standing in your own way. You’re not whole so you’re offering a potential partner something broken... essentially a burden for them to take on... You can absolutely find someone, with everything going on, you can still find someone this is true, but that person isn’t going to be whole either. So you’re just itching for a three-peat
  6. The bold is absolutely true. I will never forget the look of horror on my ex husbands face the first time he hit me, like he couldn’t believe he did it either. But he did and it became easier and easier until it was simply his go to reaction. With that being said, I am not in the he absolutely cannot change camp either, you’re in a very complex situation, if he knows he’s not at risk of losing you, his desire to get help may not be as strong to be blunt, but if he knows what he risks losing if he acts in this manner again it may help him seek help. Agree with this as well. He needs to heal from his past and unlearn all this toxicity. I yell. I was yelled at, that’s what I learned so I yell. I try so hard to break the cycle and I’ve come a long way, but my mind still tries to go back to default. It is something I am currently unlearning. I know the damage it does and the repercussions so I must make conscious choices, redirect myself, walk away, all my responsibility, no one else’s.
  7. Tormented you for months? You didn’t overcome cancer, you broke up with a girl, expecting it to be a power move, instead she starts dating someone else so then you chased after her. I wasn’t asking because I didn’t know, I read your other posts, I was asking to drive home a point, one you clearly would rather ignore. Your prerogative, your life, but you don’t get to argue you’re avoiding drama when you’re wallowing in it.
  8. Yep. I often say, not every poster is the innocent party, perpetrators ask for advice too.
  9. So is it just me who noticed he skipped over the are you divorced question
  10. The only ‘joke’ here is the overinflated egotism going on right now. Step off the ledge. You’re projecting, big time. You are seeing things through a foggy lens right now. Try to recognize that, as hard as it is, especially given your ages, instead of acting aloof or whatever, simply be cordial, surely given your ages you’re in college so your classes together can’t be that much longer. Tough it out, let go.
  11. I was going to say the same. Seems deep down you have a case of want what you can’t haves. You left her... but the second she finds someone else you become a desperate wounded bird? Doesn’t that at all seem just a bit illogical? You mention you’re both getting too old, I agree, but for your age. I don’t know, it seems you’d be a bit more in tune with your own actions. Why did you break you with her? How is it rectified?
  12. I think he was saying he was having a bad day and you breaking things off kinda added to it, not that he’s glad you ended things. I don’t know, that’s my impression at least.
  13. I agree with this. Especially if your actually are afraid of rejection, despite what you convinced yourself. You let it be known the door is open. The ball ia in his court now, let him come to you, you can’t force this.
  14. Better than what? Im old, I dont know slang, which is what I thought she was using, lol Youre putting words into our mouths, and the OPers....yeesh. I could google or the OPer could say, 'I have a defibrillator and he touched it...' Now that I know whats being referenced, he could have been afraid to ask, you see the reaction I got when I asked!!!!
  15. Yes, you don’t date people with unresolved baggage. He’s essentially making you pay the price for other women in his life because he doesn’t respect himself or you enough to have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship. You are doing a disservice to yourself unfortunately by proving yourself to him
  16. Man, you got a lot going on. Issues with mom, disobedient child, trouble with sex life. You can attempt to solve every problem you have at the same time, but I think it would be beneficial as well as more productive to work on one issue at a time. I think the issues with your daughter take precedence. Then your sex life. Then your mom You know the saying, take care of home first. But seriously one issue at a time girl, Im overwhelmed just reading everything going on.
  17. I agree with you. I don’t agree with the conclusion that you were a bad husband. And honestly we constantly tell people ‘They gave you no choice but to break up’ As well as “ You teach people how to treat you” So I must say I wholly disagree with the assessment that you are in the wrong for standing up for yourself and not being a doormat. TRUST me had you stayed and were crying to us ‘what do I do?’ You’d be told more than once, you have to do what’s best for you. With that being said the others are right, you kicked her out. That is a big deal. Don’t play relationship chicken. If kicking her out was your choice you must stand by it. Flowers won’t fix anything, nothing short of communication will. She’s 29. She’s probably not the most mature when it comes to handling all this in an adult way. You marrying such a young woman well no offense, I’m gonna guess neither are you. I think this marriage failed because of stubbornness, pride, age and lack of communication. The age gap can’t be changed, but the others... until someone well... grows up... unfortunately this divorce is happening I’m sorry. This isn’t dating, this is a marriage, with children, If you want to fight for your marriage, fight for it, but stop with the gifts, talk to her.
  18. Timeout. the fact that you refused to go to your daughters birthday dinner when you found out it wasn’t an intimate just you your wife and daughter event is all I need to know to recognize your head is still in your a**. You may not think all this is affecting her, but it is. You may not recognize you have laser focus on your wife and that’s it but it’s true. Please try to get through the fog so you can be there for your daughter
  19. This makes me sad to read. Sweety stop having sex with strangers. Just because a guy is willing to have sex with you doesn’t mean much of anything. Please stop, work on your self esteem.
  20. I’m not saying your main ego boost goal is this forum, it’s simply a byproduct. Jane is the ego boost. The woman you are still ‘saving’ while you wallow about how much you don’t want her anymore. We dont do things we don’t get something out of. So which is it? sh*tty boundaries or not being able to stop being the white knight? Cause she’s not the issue. She’s going to be who you allow her to be. The issue is what’s the core reason you’re allowing it. ETA: you are absolutely right your candid honesty is awesome, I agree you are self aware... to an extent... which most people who are self aware don’t recognize EVERY toxic thing they’re doing. Being so candid, I’d have to ignore all your other posts and pretend they don’t fill in the holes of this story. Did that make sense? I hope so I’m in a hurry this morning.
  21. I was thinking this too. Did you have a white knight thing going during this relationship? I ask because I’m kinda sensing it now. My reaction would be jmans personally but you know I can see it being an ego boost. Kinda reminds me of social media, the super sexy girl taking a picture with glasses and captioning it, “ oh my gawd, I’m so nerdy” or like the Kardashians complaining they have so many shoes they just aren’t sure which one to wear. It’s like is it really a problem? Really? Or is it a bit of a subconscious ‘look at me’ moment? I’m being serious. Unless you just have the worlds sh*ttiest boundaries I can’t imagine anything less than, ‘ are you insane? Do not come here we are broken up’ being your response Just... this post and everything else.. There’s a lot going on and well I must say, at least to me, you aren’t hiding it all that well.
  22. So I actually have a different take than most. I don’t think she was using you. I think her reason ‘ your jealousy’ and her ‘ fear of leaving her home’ were both very valid. You’re defending giving her money saying she’s not a gold digger. I agree! But the way you worded it, the bitterness flowed through and did not paint her in a very good light, but I kinda saw through it. I really don’t think she was using you for money I think everything was just too much and I think you got blocked because you wouldn’t back off and give her space. You tried to guilt her into reconciling. My ex husband use to so that, it’s very heart wrenching and a little manipulative to be honest. Give her space. Mourn the relationship. One day at a time. No one can say what her unblocking means, so play it safe. Leave it be, if she wants to reach out she will.
  23. Apologies for confusion. Yes now that the breakup is final you did the right thing telling him you can’t be friends at this time. I know it’s hard. There’s a post here, write here instead of contacting your ex, please utilize when you feel weak, or text it al out but don’t send. Take things one day at a time to heal.
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